Carefully, I fold the paper into another plane. Across the wings I write my usual dedication.
I’LL NEVER GET OVER YOU GETTING OVER ME
Ruby
THURSDAY, APRIL 22
I’ve done everything in my power to avoid Jimmy all week. I’m not returning his calls. Every time he calls and I ask Dad to tell Jimmy I’m busy, he looks at me more and more suspiciously. The last thing I want to do is worry Dad with this. He has enough to stress about. Also, I’m a little worried what might happen to Jimmy if Dad knew who he turned out to be.
I avoid Jimmy’s usual route in the hallways. If Kamry, Gaby, or Valerie see him coming, they give me a heads up. They don’t know why, not for their lack of asking, but they can sense it. Without answers, they have my back. I’m reminded of why we remained friends for all these years, even though they can be difficult to be around sometimes. If one of us is scorned, the offender better watch out.
It’s hard to write to Brett after his letter about his parents. There’s so much to process. Not to mention, he wrote, “Love, Brett.” Why did he do that? Am I supposed to read into it? Or am I being an over-analyzing girl, and it meant nothing? It most likely meant nothing. We’re growing closer, I guess it makes sense to end on a more personal note.
When I get his letter about punching the kretyn, I can’t not write him back. I have to commend him for standing up to such a dirtbag.
Brett,
When I found out about Flight 397 I was dancing, hundreds of miles away from home. I was in the middle of a grand jeté (which is basically a leap), when Janet stopped the music and pulled me aside. I’ll never forget. Every time I do a grand jeté now, I flash back to the moment my life changed.
There is no way I could be upset with you for your parents being found before my mom. You kind of nailed my thoughts on the head. I like thinking about her living, breathing and free in her body, not . . .
I don’t want to finish that. If they never find her, I’ll accept it. I worry more about my dad. He may need the closure more than I do. It’s almost been a year. It’s amazing they were even able to find your parents.
There are so many other things I want to address with you, though. Let’s do some bullet points, shall we?
#1: Please tell me you didn’t actually break your hand. Though, I applaud you for punching that guy. I wish I could’ve been there to see it. He sounds like a real kretyn. You could even call him a dupa. It’s a little worse, but because I don’t swear I don’t want to tell you what it means. You’ll have to ask my nana someday.
#2: I read something the other day I thought was interesting. You are more likely to die falling down the stairs than die in a plane crash. I mean...I might not always be the most graceful. I have a tendency to trip UP stairs and maybe that’s why I’ve been lucky. I’m not falling DOWN them. I can’t believe that many people die from falling down stairs. That’s either got to be a lot of stairs or some rock solid steps.
#3: NYU really is tempting. There’s nothing more I want than to live out the dream my mom never got to. And I won’t lie...you being only 4 hours away does add a pro to my pros and cons list. But if you had to choose: leaving Amber behind for your dream or being there for her and going to a school that was good enough, what would you choose?
#4: I’d need to thoroughly research the tattoo parlor before you get any work done. I’ve heard horror stories about unsanitary needles and horrible artists messing up designs or misspelling words. So, at least if I can’t be there with you, I’d like to know you were getting something worth your money.
#5: Would you judge me if I said your dirty reference made me laugh?
#6: I’m embarrassed for even saying that.
#7: I sound like such a prude. Maybe I am.
~Ruby the Prude
P.S. What do ya think about the nose ring? Pretty bad A, huh? My dad was actually cooler about it than I thought he would be.
P.P.S. If you could be any animal what would you be? I’d be a sloth. They always seem to be so happy and relaxed, hanging from tree limbs and eating all day.
FRIDAY, APRIL 23
Sitting on the steps of the east lawn at lunch, I pull out a piece of my stationary with daisies on it to write to Brett. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I want to write something. Even though I wrote to him yesterday, I want to talk with him every day. Every letter is a safe place for me to write whatever I want without fear of judgement or humiliation. It’s the opposite actually. No matter what I say, Brett has a way of quieting my fears and bringing me peace.
When someone sits beside me, I startle and look up. “Mitchell.”
Under his mop of curly hair, his big brown eyes peer at me. “Hey, I’ve been worried about you.”
I look away and put my stationary back in my bag before he can see what I was doing. “You don’t need to be. I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Are you going to tell me what happened at Chad’s?”
I clear my throat. “There’s nothing to say. Jimmy and I got in a fight, and we broke up.”
Mitchell stops me, placing his hand over mine. It's weird being touched by this hand. Everything about it is familiar—his long slender fingers, his smooth uncalloused skin—and yet, I feel no comfort at all.
I pull my hand away and shove my binder inside my bag.
“Ruby, you forget we dated for three years. I can tell when you’re lying or avoiding answering honestly.”
“Look. You broke up with me, avoided me for seven—eight months, whatever it’s been. And now you’re concerned about what happened between me and some guy at a party? No, Mitchell. I’m sorry. That’s not how this works.”
I stand, ready to retreat back inside the school.
“I’m sorry.” He sighs. “Okay? Ruby, please, will you hear me out?”
I don’t owe him anything. I’m not sure he deserves the chance to rid himself of his guilt, but I’m curious. What could he have to say that would make a difference?
Begrudgingly, I sit back down and encourage him to continue with my eyes.
“Thank you.” Mitchell takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. You were never the problem. . . I was. You were so quiet and melancholy, and I didn’t know how to make you feel better. I was a coward, and I ran because I didn’t know how to fix it. You know me. You know I have an answer for everything, but I didn’t have an answer for your loss. Nothing I said made a difference. There wasn’t anything I could do that was going to make you feel better. I figured you were better off without me. All you needed was to work through what you were going through.”
“So, you made me believe it was my fault? Like I wasn’t good enough for you anymore because I’d changed?”
He reaches out his hands, but stops before touching me when I give him a look. “In hindsight, I see I was wrong. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just . . . after seeing you go into that bedroom with Jimmy, I knew something was off. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you. It made me realize you’re still important to me.”
“Well. Thank you for telling me.” What can I say to get him off my case? I don’t feel comfortable opening up to him anymore. And it’s useless rehashing old feelings. It’s over and done. “I’m grateful for what you did at Chad’s. You can stop feeling guilty now. I’ve moved on from us. I’m doing much better.”
“I know. I’ve noticed.”
The bell ending lunch rings.
“Okay. Well. I’m going to head to English Lit now.” I stand.
“Lisabeth and I broke up.”
I’m not sure what he wants from me. “I’m sorry to hear that. You were really cute together.”
Mitchell grabs my hand. Our hands don’t fit together the way they used to. “Do you think you could ever give me a chance again?”
Wait, what? “I have to go to class.”
“Will you think about it, Roo? Please? I miss you. I’ve missed you so much. I know I did a horrible job of showing it, but I want to make
it right. Let me make it right?”
I can’t listen to him. This can’t be happening. Why is he doing this? He misses me? I pull my hand away. “I have to go to class, Mitchell.”
“Okay,” he answers softly, yielding.
SHE DON’T KNOW SHE’S BEAUTIFUL
Brett
FRIDAY, APRIL 27
Ruby,
You have NO idea how much I like your nose ring. You cannot be a prude and have a nose ring. Those things don’t go together. Not that I’m saying having a nose ring makes you...fast, or loose, or whatever word you would use. But prudes don’t get nose rings. Cool chicks do. You’re a cool chick, Ruby. Never doubt it.
By the way, #1 Our letters keep crossing in the mail. Maybe we should get on a schedule?
#2 You’re a dancer and you have a tendency to fall UP the stairs? I’m thinking maybe those statistics are heavily tilted by the amount of elderly who fall down staircases. My Gram slipped down the steps years ago and broke her hip. She’s never been the same. The cold makes her bones ache. That’s why she lives in Florida year round.
#3 Does your dad want you to settle for ‘just good enough’? I don’t think you should settle. Ever.
#4 I’ll let you research the tattoo parlor. Will you come with me and hold my hand? It’s gonna hurt like a mother. Or so I’ve heard.
#5 If I could be an animal, I’d want to be Zeke! The mutt lies in bed all day. He gets treats and tummy rubs and his ears scratched for him. He’s spoiled and thinks he’s the king of this house. I suppose he is.
#6 I’ll make more dirty references then!
#7 and 8 I covered that in the letter above and the ps too.
—Brett
P.S.
P.P.S.
P.P.P.S. I put those above so I could get to this one. You have $100, what do you do with it?
KEEP ON WALKIN’
Ruby
TUESDAY, APRIL 27
“Ruby.” I know it’s Jimmy before I turn around. I don’t want to turn around, but I’ve been dodging him for a week and a half. He was bound to track me down at some point.
It’s the end of the day and all I want to do is go home. If I keep walking will he make a scene? That’s the last thing I want, so I turn and smile, as much as it pains me. Let’s get this over with. “Hi.”
He looks horrible. Has he slept at all this week? His blond hair is pointing in every direction. His polo is wrinkled, and he’s wearing rubber flip-flops with khakis. Yet, his stupid face is still flawless. “Why won’t you call me back? I’ve been trying to apologize to you for a week.”
“Sorry.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. If he knew me better he’d know I only fuss with my hair when I’m anxious. “I’ve been really busy.”
He sighs and his shoulders slump forward. “Things got out of hand at Chad’s. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hate the things I said to you. Just . . . in the heat of the moment, I was so frustrated. You make me crazy, Ruby. I don’t know how you do it. We were together for two months, and I couldn’t figure you out. You were always surprising me, getting under my skin.” He rests his hand against my cheek, and for some senseless reason I let him. “The thought of you walking out on me frightened me. I didn’t want to lose you.”
What is it with boys lately? I couldn’t get a guy to look my way for months and now two are trying to crawl back. Is it all about the challenge because I never let Jimmy go very far?
Jimmy’s piercing eyes soften. His lips curve up into an apologetic smile. Everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like a bunch of lines. Did Danica put up with this? I might have been blinded by his charm and good looks because of a stupid, lifelong crush, but I see him for what he truly is. An egotistical loser.
It’s funny how, when someone shows who they truly are, it changes their appearance. I look at Jimmy, and his fiercely green eyes that once imprisoned me turn to nothing but lumps of arrogance. His suave, charismatic smile forms into one full of lies and narcissism. He thinks if he flashes me a pretty smile and holds me tenderly that I’ll take him back, but Dad taught me better than that. I have more self-respect. No one gets to treat me the way Jimmy did.
“I meant what I said at Chad’s, Jimmy. We’re not right for each other. It’s over.”
“You don’t mean that, baby. You’re letting your anger cloud your judgment.” His hand slides down the side of my face, and he takes my shoulder. I form fists. If he tightens his grip, I will punch him. Brett would be so proud. I don’t know how to throw a good punch, but I researched boxing before for a school project. All I have to do is put my weight behind it. Should be simple enough.
“I do mean it.” I step back, shrugging him off. I don’t want to cause a scene, but I’m not above it. I don’t care about saving his pride anymore. “It’s more than what you said, Jimmy. It’s the way you acted, the way you treated me. How you didn’t defend me or listen to me when I wanted you to stop—”
“If you weren’t being so uptight, we could’ve had some fun. All you needed to do was have a beer, relax.”
This is ridiculous. Why am I even having this argument with him? He’s never going to see he’s wrong.
“Get lost, Hoffman,” Kamry says, appearing at my side.
“We’re just talking, Kamry,” he disregards her.
“I don’t care.” She slips in between Jimmy and me. With her height, she doesn’t block me. I watch Jimmy above her head. He rolls back his shoulders, like he brushing off her words.
“Fine. Don’t say I never tried, Ruby. Your loss.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Hoffman. You’ll never know how good you had it with Ruby.”
He snorts and turns, walking away like we won. “Whatever.”
I heave a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Kam.”
“It was nothing. More importantly, are you okay?”
I wave her off. “I’m fine. Really.”
Her lips purse like she doesn’t believe me. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened with you two?”
“He pushed boundaries I wasn’t ready to cross and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
Kamry’s eyes narrow and she steps closer. “Did he hurt you? I’ll kill him.” She makes like she’s about to chase him down.
“No, no. He didn’t hurt me. I think he could have, but he didn’t.”
She wants to push more, but she thinks better of it and backs off. “What are you going to do about your dress? Weren’t you two planning on going to prom together?”
I get an idea. “Do you have a date?”
“Not since Eddie took Jimmy’s side.”
“You broke up with Eddie?”
“If he was okay with the way Jimmy made you feel, I knew he wasn’t good enough for me.”
Wow. I didn’t know Kamry had it in her, that she would do that for me. “You wanna be my date?”
A smile spreads on Kamry’s face. “Heck yeah! Gaby and Valerie are still going stag. Let’s all go together.”
“That’s the best idea you’ve had in a long time.”
***
Oh no. This is not the kind of paper plane I wanted to get back from Brett. When I wrote to him about Jimmy, my intention was not to make him angry. All I needed was someone to talk to about it. Why did I tell him?
My gosh, Brett. I’m so sorry. I should never have written to you about Jimmy. It was awful of me to make you worry and get you so worked up over something so stupid. I’ve handled it. He’s not going to bother me anymore. Please don’t be mad. I’m okay, really. I have good friends who back me up. I promise you, no more parties for me.
It just sucks, you know? I haven’t told you much about Jimmy. He’s the guy all the girls at school have crushes on. I’ve had a crush on him since kindergarten, so him finally noticing me was surreal. It blinded me from his true personality. I should’ve seen what a jerk he is.
Yes, Mitchell is my ex. The other day he tried telling me he broke up with me because he didn’t know how to fix me after I lost my mom.
Whatever. I can’t bother being angry with him anymore. I’m so tired of boys who are jerks. At least I have you to give me hope in the male race. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. One can dream.
I’ve thought more about NYU, but it’s almost May and May 15th is the cut off for acceptance. Do you know the statistic for those who move to NYC and make it on Broadway? I actually don’t have the answer for this one, but I know it’s not high. Is it worth the risk? Maybe. I’d like to think so. But I’m constantly reminded I have more to think about than myself.
In other news, I’ve decided to go to prom stag with a group of my friends and afterward we’re going to run on the beach in our dresses. It’s something we’ve always talked about doing and this is our last chance. I know it will be so much better than going with Jimmy.
Also, I’ve got to know. What is your biggest pet peeve? For me, it’s when people say, “no offense” as if that makes their statement any less insulting. The other day when I was at dance this girl, Renee, was walking out with Kamry and me. I’m not sure why the topic of books came up, but she said, “I don’t understand people who like to read. They’re so boring.” She saw me with a book in my hand and said, “No offense.” Obviously, that made everything all better. “None taken?”
~Ruby
P.S. It would take you 40 hours if you drove straight from Palmer to Fremonton. Just for future reference. I mean, a reference.
P.P.S. I love ska music! Mitchell and his buddies introduced it to me a couple years ago. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are my favorite. Though, I also love The Sundays and The Cranberries. (But, obviously, they aren’t ska.)
Paper Planes and Other Things We Lost Page 14
