“Thank you, sir!” I squeaked along with the other victims.
“Kick it!” Coach Tomlin called once we were in our lanes. “Show me your kicking action!”
I kicked as if my life depended on it. For all I knew, it might.
Coach bent over the edge with his mouth in my ear. “That all you got, swimmer? How’d you make it on this team with those weak legs? I could snap you like a toothpick!” No matter how hard we kicked, he insisted we were slacking.
And for some reason, he seemed to especially have it in for me. “Iron Lung!” he barked. “Swim as long as you can, NO breath. Let’s separate the men from the boys!” I took the biggest breath I could and dove under the water. By halfway down the second lap my lungs were on fire and my head was about to explode. I managed to make it all the way to the edge, though, before I shot out of the water, gasping. Maybe all of those swirlies had conditioned me, but I made it longer than anyone else.
“What’s your name, swimmer?” he demanded. Whatever I panted must’ve sounded to him like “Buttrock,” Max’s charming nickname for me, because that’s what he decided to call me. “All right, everybody out but Buttrock here.” The other five WAVES hoisted themselves, heaving, out of the pool. They looked as relieved as lobsters who’d escaped the pot. And what did that make me?
I was too exhausted to even be scared. But I did hope he wouldn’t humiliate me in front of Charity. Swimming was my one skill. “Dead-man drag!” he announced, crossing his arms.
That did not sound good. “You there!” He picked out the biggest eighth grade guy and made him get in the water with me, clasping my ankles. “Now down and back, Buttrock, fast as you can. NO kicking, dead man. Make him work his upper body.”
Whoever said water made you weightless was outta their mind. I was pretty sure I’d shredded every muscle in my arms and torso by the time I hauled that kid to the wall and back. My back burned, my arms burned, my abs felt like flaming fireplace pokers were running up and down them. I finally reached the wall and shook that guy off me.
“Hmmm,” Coach Tomlin growled. “Better than I thought you’d do, but you’re still not living up to your full potential. You have to want it! You’re gonna thank me for this. Get out!”
“Thank you, sir,” I breathed, dragging my quivering body from the pool. He told us to line up again. Charity came and stood next to me, giving my hand a quick squeeze when Coach Tomlin wasn’t looking. That put a little spark back into me.
“Listen up, swimmers. That pitiful display of unpreparedness I just witnessed proves that you are unworthy of water. The pool is for closers! No one gets back in the water until you have strong quads, pecs, glutes …” Tomlin flexed each muscle group as he spoke. “And most of all, you have to prove to me that you have heart!” He slammed his fist against his chest hard enough to break an average breastbone, and looked at me. “You have to want to win more than you want your next breath. You’re gonna thank me for kicking your keisters when we bring home that team trophy.”
“Thank you, sir,” Blaine blurted by himself.
Coach Tomlin flicked a glance at him and muttered, “No one likes a suck-up, kid.” Then he pointed to the locker rooms. “Now go get rid of those ridiculous swimsuits. You have exactly two minutes point seven seconds to meet me back here in your sneakers. Go!”
Everyone gawped at each other in confusion. He wanted us to do what? Blaine raised his hand and asked, “Do you want us to wear anything besides our sneakers?”
The coach rubbed his buzz and blinked at Blaine. “Are you sassing me, boy? Because I’d hate to have to hang you by your toes off the high dive.”
“N-n-no, s-s-sir,” Blaine said, backing toward the locker room.
“Good,” Coach Tomlin boomed. “Sassypants here has just cost you all thirteen seconds.” He clicked his stopwatch. “You now have exactly one minute fifty-four seconds to meet me back here. Extra chuck-ups to whoever’s late! Now go!”
“THANK YOU, SIR!” we screamed as we scrambled to the locker rooms.
Clothes flew in all directions as we raced against the clock. One of the older guys urged us to hurry. He’d evidently once paid the piggyback push-up price for being late once. “The golden age of WAVES is over, boys,” he sighed, shoving his T-shirt over his head. I had no idea what that meant, but I mentally kissed those crêpes goodbye.
As I went to pull on my pants I realized I’d put my tighty-whities on inside out and backward. There was no time to fix the situation. I just prayed Coach Tomlin didn’t have some kind of wedgie torture in his arsenal of cruel and unusual punishment.
By some miracle we all managed to make it back in line before time was up. Tomlin marched us all into the weight room, where we were saddled with ten-pound dumbbells.
“Your objective is to run circles around the pool until I tell you otherwise,” Coach Tomlin said. He deafened us with the whistle and roared, “RUN! KNEES UP! GO! GO! GO!”
We ran. After three laps, I had a massive side stitch that doubled me over. Suddenly an icy blast of water hammered me in the temple. I yelped and turned toward Tomlin, who was aiming the hose right at me. “This ought to cool you off, hot stuff! Now RUN! Thank me.”
“THANK YOU, SIR,” I yelled through gritted teeth. Where did this guy get off treating us like we were in boot camp? Summoning all my strength, I hefted the dumbbells onto my hips and started jogging again.
Behind me, I heard some smart-alecky seventh grader whispering that the huge laminated signs on the walls clearly stated, “absolutely no running allowed.”
“I MAKE THE RULES NOW, SASSYPANTS!” came Coach Tomlin’s reply.
As I rounded the far end of the pool I watched the poor dude get hosed at close range. The coach motioned to me. “Buttrock, come help Mr. Sassypants here learn a little lesson.”
I jogged over on jiggly legs. Coach ripped the weights out of my cramped hands. “Since Mr. Sassypants here has issues with running around the pool, we’re gonna let him run up and down these bleacher steps … with you on his back. Thank me.”
We thanked him. The kid looked at me with fear in his eyes. Fortunately, Tomlin had stomped over to terrorize someone else with the hose and missed it. The seventh grader was skinnier than me and looked like a strong wind would carry him away. How he was going to hold my weight and keep his balance was beyond me.
“Are you ready?” I asked once he’d bent over. He nodded, and I hopped onto his wet, bony back, looping my arms through his. We trotted up and down the stairs, and I wished with everything in me that I’d taken two extra seconds and turned my underwear around right.
We ran stairs until my human horse was wheezing so bad I knew we were going to both bash our brains out on the bleachers.
Coach Tomlin must’ve been thinking the same thing, because he whistled us down and hosed us off. The seventh grader collapsed into a little ball at his feet, and Tomlin decided that this was the time to officially call it quits. He blew his stupid whistle, lined us up, and told everybody to go home and “drink protein shakes. Especially Mr. Sassypants.”
I glanced down the lineup at Charity. She was sweaty and breathing hard but didn’t look damaged. Maybe she wouldn’t be too disappointed about not having me to hang with in music class or swim practice. Nothing Max could do to me in gym could compare to the brutal humiliation of The Ogre. I staggered into the locker room and changed with shaking hands, then hustled out to find Charity, who was waiting by the exit.
The coach was winding the hose around his arm as I skittered past. I could feel his steely eyes follow me as I talked to Charity. “Let’s get out of here,” I said, leading the way out of the pool building. “You okay?”
She flashed the dimpled grin that gave me goose bumps. “Yeah. That was intense, though. Coach Tomlin sure seemed to like you.”
Like me? Girls were so hard to read. I snorted. “If he liked me any more he’d have killed me. I’m ready to quit the swim team. Aren’t you?”
Charity sat on the be
nch under the big tree and played with her ponytail. “Oh, I’m not sure. It was definitely challenging, and Coach T is a little rough.”
“You think?”
“But I can see where he’s coming from, you know? We really have no business swimming until we’ve built up the stamina and muscle strength to go the distance. In the end, I think it’s going to help us be better swimmers. Wouldn’t that be cool?”
Cool was the very last thing I thought any of this was! “You … really think he knows what he’s doing?”
“Did you see his muscles? His legs looked like Sensei Nagee’s! Maybe we should trust him, Todd.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think I’d make it through another warm-up with Terrifying Coach Tomlin, much less an entire practice. I didn’t want to seem like a total wimp and quit, and I’d hate to give up spending Max-free time with Charity, but there was only so much a guy could take. “You’re not living up to your potential!” echoed in my ears.
“You want to come to my house and hang out? I’ve got the new Varusa action figure doll. She came with her own Fernsopian pool!”
I’d had enough pools, but I might not get the chance to hang with Charity after I quit the swim team. She smiled wider, and I almost said yes. But I was probably more exhausted than I’d ever been in my entire life, and as much as I wanted to spend more time with her, I knew I just needed to go home, lie down in my room, and rest my already aching muscles. And feed the Toddlians. It would be responsible to actually take care of them for once, but also, I couldn’t deny, I could kind of use a couple of hours with a bunch of people who worshipped me.
“Not today,” I said, giving her the best smile I could muster. “I’m pretty tired.”
She looked disappointed for a second, but her smile came back. “Seeya, then!” She nodded and left.
I hurried home to see my little people, who at least thought I was all-powerful and full of awesomeness. Sometimes it felt good to be a god.
CHAPTER 14
LEWIS
I paced back and forth on a frond of a Fernsopian fern, staring at Saki as she hurled a screaming Boom Shroom across Todd’s Dragon Sensei bedspread. There was a time when I hadn’t appreciated the glaring colors of this comforter, but now they were dear to me. Here, I had talked with Great Todd about his hopes, fears, and dreams.
Was all that behind us now? Or could I convince my god to accept my people back into his good graces? If he persisted in rejecting us, the others would certainly vote to sail Herman’s repaired vessel into the vast unknown, searching for another divine leader.
I sighed and checked the digital clock on Todd’s desk: 4:37. Surely he would be home soon, and then our fate would be decided.
With a heavy heart I climbed upon the pillow. It contained a veritable feast of tasty Todd dirt for me to enjoy, but how could anyone eat in the depths of despair? Besides, my appetite had not returned since the unfortunate voyage of The Exodus.
I tried to picture my life without Todd to guide me, but I could not. I was Todd; from him I had sprung. There was no one else I wanted to worship with my unfailing friendship and devotion.
“Lewis,” I said to myself. “You must believe. Believe in your ability to convince Todd to summon that caring, loving god he once was and, deep within, still is!”
I forced myself to eat a few dandruff flakes so that I would have the strength I needed for the trial ahead. I scarcely tasted the crispy, delectable dead skin, so overwhelmed was my mind with what I wanted to say. Perhaps I should have accepted Persephone’s offer to help me create cue cards …
No! This time I had to speak straight from the heart.
At last Todd’s door swung open, and His Greatness trudged to his desk and dropped his backpack on it. He walked to the bed and nearly sat his posterior on my person. “Oh, Todd live forever, WAIT!” I screamed, diving out from under him just in time. “I beg a word with your worship!”
“Lewis?” Todd said, grabbing his micro-glasses from the desk and leaning over me. From the way his eyebrows arched, I assumed he was surprised to see me. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in Toddlandia with everybody else?”
I cleared my throat and tried to still my trembling voice. “Erm … could we talk?”
He shrugged, which I interpreted as a yes. I started to climb up his arm, as was our custom, but he plucked me from his sleeve and set me on the pillow. “I can see you better this way,” he explained. “What’s up?”
I paced back and forth on the pillow, trying to keep the words from tumbling out all at once. “I am not sure if I have ever expressed to you, Great One, just how much your friendship means to me.” I turned to face him and took a deep breath. “Being the Toddlian who is especially close to you is more important to me than I can express—”
The doorbell rang, and Todd jumped off the bed, threw off his glasses, and raced out of his room. He came back a moment later, put the glasses back on, and flopped down, bouncing me off balance.
“Uh … sorry,” he said. “I just thought that might be … someone.”
“Someone important?” I asked.
“Yeah. But it was just one of Mom’s little-kid piano students.” Todd yawned. “What were you saying?”
I couldn’t risk another interference; I cleared my throat and said quickly, “Lately my people and I can’t help feeling that we have lost your favor.”
“I don’t know what you mean by that,” he said with a frown.
Not a good beginning, Lewis. I swallowed and looked down at my feet. “We feel that you are no longer pleased with us.”
“What makes you think that?”
Take courage, Lewis, it’s now or never. “Ahem, well … there was the rotten Red Thing—the apple you left by your Refuse Dome. It grew a terrifying worm and then bore two fearsome winged creatures that reeked chaos on Toddlandia.” I shuddered at the memory. “The destruction was extensive; have you not noticed the damage done to our community center roof and the collapse of several huts? But the emotional toll was the heaviest upon us, especially since we believe it to be some sort of sign from you …”
Todd rubbed his hands through his hair in an agitated manner. “Crud, no, I hadn’t noticed. Look, I’m sorry. You just can’t imagine the stress I’m under trying to keep track of all of you, trying to keep from getting killed by Max, trying to keep you from getting killed by Max … and now I’ve got The Ogre on my case … it’s just a lot, okay?”
He punched the bed, nearly knocking me over again. I steadied myself and walked to the edge of the pillow, looking up into his micro-glasses. I wasn’t sure what an ogre was, but I knew the terrors of Max firsthand. Poor Todd.
“Would you like to talk about it, Great One?”
He sighed. “It wouldn’t do any good.”
“We were confidants once … compadres, I thought. Could we just … go back to the way it used to be? The way you used to be?” I lifted my blurry eyes to his and said with all my soul, “Please?”
Todd peeled off the glasses and tossed them aside. “I’m not a good god now, is that what you’re saying?” He studied the ceiling. “I give you dirty clothes to eat, I hide you from Max. I change your water, most of the time …” He looked at me then. “Remember, I told you in the beginning I wasn’t good at this sort of thing!” Todd threw in his hands in the air and sunk onto the bed. “I just don’t know what else you want from me.”
I tried not to sound as desperate as I felt. “We only want your guidance and … friendship.”
“OK, then,” he said glumly. “I’ll try to live up to my full potential. How about that?” He stood, pulled off the glasses, and plodded to his desk, where he threw them down. “Sorry, Lewis. It’s just that I’ve got stuff to do.”
Todd plopped into his desk chair. He opened his laptop and plugged in his headphones, cutting off all communication.
I slid off the pillow and lay prostrate on the bed, too soul-weary to move. I don’t know how long I had lain there whe
n the doorbell rang again. And rang. And rang.
Finally Todd groaned, flung his headphones onto his desk, and yelled to no one in particular, “DON’T WORRY, I’LL GET IT!” He stomped out of the room, slamming the door with terrific force.
The tears that had been begging to be released now threatened to spill out, and I blinked to stop myself from having what Persephone called a “sissified fit.” As if I had summoned her, Persephone appeared from under Todd’s pillow. She had been there, silently supporting me, all along.
It was nice to have a true friend.
Persephone walked over and patted my back. “I could jest drag that Todd through a cactus patch for treatin’ you like this, Lew. You deserve better. All of us do.”
I could not answer her. My voice was being choked by the grief of losing my god … my friend.
“I reckon this is it, then—I’ll tell Herman and the others to commence packin’. I know this is hard for you, bein’ Todd’s partic’lar friend and all.” Her eyes shone, and her voice swelled with excitement. “But just think, Lew! We’ll ride the waves aboard The Exodus into the wild blue yonder and a brand-new life!”
A whimper escaped me, and I ran away from Persephone. The sissified fit had come.
CHAPTER 15
Stop ringing the stupid doorbell already,” I muttered, opening the door to see what the emergency was.
“Why hello, Little Butty!”
Max? Seriously? Could this day possibly get any worse? He advanced toward me.
“Sorry, Max. You must have gotten the day wrong.” I started slowly closing the door. “Remember, you already had your piano lesson this week, on Wednesday.” I’d hoped by some miracle I was right and he was just confused. But I forgot that some unseen force had declared it national “Terrorize Todd Day.”
Max used his massive arm to hold the door open. “Oh, I’m not confused. I know exactly what I’m doing.”
He pushed past me and strolled into the kitchen, cramming his hand into the jack-o’-lantern candy jar Mom kept on the bar for her students. “It’s like this,” he said, ripping open a Snickers package with his teeth. “Somehow my parents found out I got kicked off the swim team because of that stupid misunderstanding.” He shoved the candy into his mouth and kept talking. “So now I’m back to being short on extracurriculars. I decided to double up on piano lessons and become one of those protégés that plays in Carnegie Hall by the time they’re thirteen or whatever. That would show my parents!”
In Todd We Trust Page 11
