by Piper Rayne
He laughs. “Are you kidding me? I left a career in baseball to come raise you and the rest of our siblings. I then decided again to forego my dream to live here with Holly. And parenthood? I’m shittin’ my pants every damn day. But guess what? I did it.”
“What if I give up everything for her and she just runs away again?”
This is the first time I’ve said out loud what I’m really afraid of. It feels scary as hell and yet somehow freeing.
He raises his eyebrows. “That’s why it’s scary—because of the unknown. But think about it. Do you honestly think if she didn’t feel for you the way you do for her, that your relationship would still be so back and forth? Maybe this so-called break the two of you are taking is good. It’ll let each of you take a time-out and see what you really want.”
I sit for a second and think it over. When I dropped her off, I was prepared to remove her from my daily life. Now I come here and I’m second-guessing my decision. Great.
“But you have to find out how much you love her. How willing are you to bend? And how important to you is her being in your life? Those are the big questions, and I never really understood them until I was older than you.”
“I really wish I wouldn’t have come to talk to you,” I grumble, now more confused than ever.
He laughs. “Love’s a bitch. It can make you a little crazy, that’s for damn sure.”
The school bell rings. “I should go.”
“You know where to find me if you need an AA meeting again.”
I raise my eyebrows at him.
“You know… Austin advice, AA get it?” He laughs at his own joke. God, he’s already turning into a dad with corny jokes.
“Thanks, and good luck with the second kid thing.”
He nods. “Be careful and keep your head on straight.”
I smirk, opening the door and leaving my big brother with a mass of teenagers filing toward his door. They have to be harder than dealing with me, right?
Twenty-Three
Stella
“Stella?” my mom calls from the front door of the house.
I pry myself up off the snow-covered grass and walk toward the door.
She secures her cardigan around her middle and meets me halfway up the driveway, putting her arm around my shoulders. “What happened?”
“Kingston.” I wipe a tear. “He… he… ended it.”
“The two of you were dating?”
I shake my head. “No, but he’s going to remove himself from my life completely.”
Her hand grips my shoulder tighter and she opens the door for me to go in first. The worst part about your mom owning a B & B is that guests get to see and hear everything going on in your life. The young couple sitting in the living room, playing checkers, looks up at me.
“This is my daughter, Stella. I’ll just be in my art room if you need me,” my mom says.
The couple nods, but the woman’s lips are tipped down.
My mom guides me into her art room and sits me down on a stool. “I don’t understand. How exactly will Kingston remove you from his life? That doesn’t sound like something he would say or do at all.”
I swipe a tear off my cheek. “You understand why I can’t be with him, right?” I need to know that someone understands me in this moment.
“I’m not sure I do. This can’t still be about Owen, is it?”
I shake my head. “No. The way Kingston lives his life.”
She’s still looking at me as though I’m speaking a different language. “I thought you liked Kingston. The whole reason you told him not to follow you to New York was to get some space from him so he and Owen could rebuild their friendship. I know you dodged returning home because seeing him was too hard, but you must have prepared yourself before you returned.”
She says that because she would have done that. Prepared herself. Weighed the pros and cons of returning. Know how she was going to handle it, and nothing would change her mind. For some reason, I wasn’t blessed with that gene. My mom said she was sick, so I changed my entire life to be here. As usual, I pushed anything negative or uncomfortable out of mind. Kingston was one of those things.
“He jumps out of planes into fires, Mom.”
“Admirable. Someone has to do it.”
I stand from the stool and glare at her. “And as if that’s not bad enough, in his free time, he does other crazy stuff. Like this past weekend, he took a helicopter, landed it on top a mountain, and skied down unexplored terrain.”
“He can fly a helicopter?”
“Mom!” I scream and throw my hands in the air.
She gives me that look. The one that suggests I watch my tone with her.
So I sit back down. “He hired a guide. Him and a few others.”
“That’s not crazy.”
“I skied the greens and blues.”
“I don’t know what that means.” My mom was never a skier.
“The easy hills. The safe ones.”
She nods. “So he likes a little more thrill than you do. That’s not a reason not to be together.”
“He’s going to kill himself. That’s a reason.”
She looks off in the distance as though she’s thinking and purses her lips. “Is this about your father?”
“Yes. No… I don’t know.”
“You’re afraid you’re going to love him and lose him?” She laughs.
I whip my head in her direction. “What’s so funny about this?”
She covers her mouth, trying not to laugh again. I pick up a nearby dry paintbrush, running the bristles over my thumb.
“Because I can’t believe it took me this long to get it,” she says.
“Get what?”
She holds up her hand for me to stop talking. “I’ve always told you that you can’t stop your feelings for someone. This entire time you’ve been back, you’ve pushed Kingston away because he’s a smoke jumper and likes to do some heart-pounding things?”
“That’s what I just said.” I’m irritated that she’s laughing. Does she not see this as a legit fear?
“So by your logic, I should’ve never loved your father. Never married him or had you.”
“That’s different. Dad wasn’t jumping out of planes and parachuting down mountains. He didn’t want to trek the Alaskan terrain for seven days through ice-covered mountains, raging rapids, and over glaciers.”
She smiles and pats my knee. “When you were little, I thought I was so lucky because you were so easy. You liked a clean room. You liked your toys organized in specific bins. Even all your stuffed animals were lined up according to height.” She laughs again. “I used to tell your dad that you were way more him than me.” She looks around her messy art studio as if to prove her point. The way all the different sizes of paintbrushes are in one bin always annoyed me. Her paints aren’t arranged according to color. They’re just huddled together in one big group. “Your father agreed. I’m not laughing at you, sweetheart. I’m laughing because if your father was alive, he would’ve already seen what I didn’t. Kingston is a risk and you don’t take risks.”
“I’ve never thought of Kingston as a risk. I know how he feels about me. He’s never been shy about communicating that, at least after Owen and I started dating.”
She huffs. “That boy has always worn his heart on the outside for all to see. It’s what I always found sweet about him. But he’s a risk to you. You value control and you can’t control a man like that. It’s a risk to let yourself love someone fully because what if you lose them? A risk because he thrives in areas that are outside of your comfort zone.”
I pick up another paintbrush and run it along my palm. My med school peers used to get a kick out of all my highlighting and notecards, the color-coding process I used to help me organize my thoughts, how I had to study my notes in a particular order. Even for a med student, I was neurotic.
“If someone would’ve told me that your dad was going to die so young, do you think I would’ve said ‘oh, forget hi
m’? Forget the brilliant daughter we’d make?” She pats my knee. “Because that’s what you’re doing. There’s no way of knowing what will ever happen. I can see how Kingston’s way of living is scary to someone who lost her father much too young. I always hated that you bore that loss. But he might land on both feet time and time again.” She raises her hands. “I’m just your mom, but do you think that it’s not the big stuff Kingston does, but more how he lives his life with the small decisions? That he won’t fit in that perfect box you’ve designated for your husband?”
“What? No.” I shake my head, but she tilts hers with a “think about it” expression.
“You two will face a lot of challenges. Not just because you value control and he likes a little bit of chaos, but because you’d be an interracial couple.”
I give her a ‘duh’ look. “I know, Mom.”
“I know you know, Stella, but it’s going to mean that you both need to be stronger than most if you’re in it for the long haul. Not everyone will be as accepting of your relationship as you want them to be.”
I shake my head at her. “I can deal with all that.”
“Then it’s the fact that a man like Kingston isn’t going to let you sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by. He’s going to push you to live life to its fullest. I think that’s what you’re most afraid of. But another thing I know about you is that you love a challenge. Kingston is the first challenge I’ve ever seen you run away from.” My mom stands, patting my knee one more time. “Think it over, and remember, you can respect Kingston’s wishes, but you don’t have to agree with them. You can make an argument back.” She smiles and leaves the room.
Yeah, she’s still the smartest woman I’ve ever met. I see why my dad snatched her off the market.
My phone dings in my pocket.
Allie: Okay, I’m in downtown Lake Starlight. Where do I find Grandma Dori?
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Me: Why are you in Lake Starlight?
Allie: Last night Lou was razzing me about how great she is, and I want to meet her so I figured I could spot her downtown. I went to Bailey Timber but they wouldn’t let me in the offices.
She’s certifiably crazy.
Me: I’ll meet you at Lard Have Mercy. It’s a diner at Main and Chestnut. I need your help with something.
Allie: Okay but if I help you, you help me, right?
I laugh, my thumbs poised over the screen.
Me: Sure, you help me and I’ll introduce you to Grandma Dori.
Allie: I’ll grab a booth!
I pocket my phone and walk out of my mom’s studio. She’s busy making tea and putting cookies out for the guests.
“I’ll be back. Love you.” I kiss her cheek.
“What have you decided?” she asks.
“I’m gonna go get my man.”
She puts her arm around me and kisses my temple. “That’s my girl. I know it’s hard, but your dad once took a chance on a head-in-the-clouds art student who messed up his perfectly precise existence.”
I laugh. “And I bet he never had any regrets.” I squeeze her hand and walk out of the house, determined to get my man.
Allie is already in a booth with a huge smile on her face, talking to Karen, who works at the diner. I walk in and Allie waves and points, explaining who I am to Karen.
Karen smiles and opens her arms. “Stella. How are you?”
I nod. “I’m good. Love the pin.”
She looks down at the circle photo of her grandson Easton, Holly and Austin’s son. “I want to retire and watch him, but I don’t want to be his caregiver because then I can’t spoil him.” She laughs. “You know Holly, everything has to be done a certain way.” She pulls out her pad. “Your friend Allie wants a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake. What are you up for?”
“And a cookie,” Allie says, raising her finger.
“I’ll just have fries and a Coke.”
“Great. I’ll be right back.”
Karen leaves, and Allie looks out the window toward the gazebo. “It’s so cute. I just love it here.”
She’s so smiley and happy. I’m not sure I ever looked at Lake Starlight like that, but then again, I arrived a year after my dad died. And once I left after college, I had a love-hate relationship with the town because Kingston was here.
“Can we talk?” I ask.
“Of course.” She turns back to me, but then her eyes widen, and she leans closer to me over the table. “Oh my God. Did you call her? She’s here.”
I glance over my shoulder, and sure enough, Grandma Dori is talking to Karen at the end of the counter. Both of them glance my way. I slide down into my booth. I love Grandma Dori, and I was going to introduce Allie, but I want it to be after I fix things with Kingston.
“Stella!”
“She just called you by name.” Allie’s mouth hangs open.
“Yes, she knows my name. I broke her grandson’s heart.” I slide farther down.
Grandma Dori steps up to the edge of our table. “Stella, why are you slouching? You know that’s terrible for your posture.”
I sit up straight. “Hi, Dori,” I say in my sweet voice. The one I use when I introduce myself to patients. Not fake, but sweeter than I use with anyone in my personal life.
“I just left Sedona. She told me you were there earlier. Thanks for looking out for her.”
Allie rests her chin in her palm, staring up at Grandma Dori. Dori catches her look and scrunches her gray eyebrows at me, wanting to know who this girl is.
“Oh, Dori, this is my friend, Allie.”
Dori nods. “Nice to meet you.”
“You’re the cutest thing. Can I shrink you down and put you in my purse?” Allie says, and Dori’s gaze whips to me again as I purse my lips. “Was that too much? I’m sorry. I’m just so excited to meet you.”
“Allie likes to read Buzz Wheel,” I explain.
Dori nods slowly and looks over to Allie with a calculating look. “That thing can’t be trusted.” She slides in next to me. “Now, Sedona says things were tense with you and Kingston and that the two of you went on a walk and neither of you came back.” She pats my hand.
“Um…”
“Oh, and Stella just asked me to help her with something.” Allie leans forward as if she’s Grandma Dori’s sidekick.
Remind me to “thank” Allie later. There’s no point in trying to get out of explaining what’s happening with Kingston now. Dori does not take no for an answer.
“Kingston wants to remove me from his life, even as a friend. He’s sick of the back and forth, all the games,” I say.
“Games?” Dori screeches.
“He punched Lou last weekend,” Allie says.
I slide my finger across my throat.
“He what?” Dori asks.
Allie ignores me—because apparently there isn’t a lot of reasoning when it comes to her infatuation with Grandma Dori. She spills everything that happened last weekend, including the part about Samantha and Tank having sex nonstop.
Dori turns to me as though she needs me to verbally vouch for Allie’s story. I bite my lip and nod.
“And you. Is this what you want?” Dori asks.
I shake my head, ignoring Allie’s wide eyes once more. I haven’t had the chance to tell her anything yet.
“Well then, tough nuts. Kingston isn’t just going to throw in the towel after all this time.” She places her hand over mine and squeezes. “Let’s figure out how to get you two together.”
Allie wiggles in her seat with excitement.
For the next hour, we go through all the possible scenarios, but there’s only one I like. Still, my heart clenches with the thought that it might not be enough.
Twenty-Four
Kingston
I drive up to the cabin, alone. It’s just me and Lou all weekend. We’re the only ones off, according to the spreadsheet Tank made up for all of us. Stella’s not coming until Wednesday and Thursday with Allie
and Stump. Now that we’re all here at different times, some people are bringing others up with them. I might have decided to steer clear of Stella, but every time I think about Stella bringing some guy up here, it’s like someone throat-punched me.
Pulling into the driveway, I park in the best spot since I’m here first. Lou had a last-minute errand to run and he was heading to his parents’ afterward, so we planned to drive separately. I didn’t mind the quiet on the way up. Austin’s advice has been on repeat in my head and I’m slowly understanding what he said.
I grab my bag and the case of the beer I brought out of the bed of my truck then walk up the stairs to the cabin. After setting the beer on the porch, I insert my key. My whole plan this weekend is to talk to Tim about the speed riding and coordinate a time with him. We could practice a few times before heading all the way up. In four weeks, the schedule has me, Tank, and Samantha up here. My plan is to leave right after speed riding, so they can break shit in the house with their sexcapades without me having to listen—or worse, witness.
The door opens and I bend down to pick up the case of beer. It almost slips out of my hands when I see a line of rose petals and small battery-operated candles leading to the main living area. I place all my shit down in the foyer. Did I screw up the schedule? Am I messing up someone else’s romantic time?
On the hallway door hangs a suit with a note pinned to it.
Change into me.
I tiptoe around the petals and peek around the corner. Stella’s standing in the family room, her teeth biting her bottom lip. She’s staring at the floor, her chest rising and falling. This better be for me—otherwise I’ll be spending the night in a jail cell.
I go back and take the suit off the door handle, relieved to see it’s my own suit from home. Shredding my clothes in record time and putting on my suit, relief washes over me. All the self-talk from last week about getting on with my life fades into background noise. She’s finally seen the light, seen what we can be, how good we can be.
