‘Oh yes, yes, he pull his Kalashnikov out from under his pattu and point it at them. He tell them he will kill them all, if they cut you. They want to call the guards, the camp police, but Nazeer, he is in the door of the tent, with his gun. They cannot go past him. And I am on his other side, looking for his back. So they fix you.’
‘That’s a hell of a health plan—an Afghan with a Kalashnikov pointed at your doctor.’
‘Yes,’ he agreed without irony. ‘And after, they fix Nazeer. And then, after two days with no sleep, and many wounds, Nazeer sleep.’
‘They didn’t call the guards, when he went to sleep?’
‘No. They are all Afghans here. Doctors, wounded men, guards, everybody is Afghan. But not the camp police. They are Pakistani. The Afghans, they don’t like the Pakistan police. They have big trouble with Pakistan police. Everybody has trouble with Pakistan police. So they give a permission to me, and I take Nazeer’s guns when he sleep. And I look after him. And I look after you. Wait—I think our friends are here!’
The long flaps of the tent’s doorway opened all the way back, stunning us with the yellow light of a warm day. Four men entered. They were Afghans, veteran fighters; hard men, with eyes that stared at me as if they were looking along the decorated barrel of a jezail rifle. Mahmoud rose to greet them, and whispered a few words. Two of the men woke Nazeer. He’d been in a deep sleep, and spun round at the first touch, grasping at the men and ready to fight. Reassured by their gentle expressions, he then turned his head to check on me. Seeing me awake and sitting up, he grinned so broadly that it was a little alarming in a face so seldom struck with a smile.
The two men helped him to his feet. There was a wad of bandage strapped to his right thigh. Supporting himself on their shoulders, he limped out into the sunlight. The other men helped me to my feet. I tried to walk, but my wounded shins refused to obey me, and the best I could manage was a tottering shuffle. After a few seconds of that embarrassingly feeble scuffling, the men formed a chair with their arms and swept me up effortlessly between them.
For the next six weeks, that was the pattern of our recovery: a few days, perhaps as long as a week, in one location before an abrupt shift to a new tent or slum hut or hidden room. The Pakistan secret service, the ISI, had a malign interest in every foreigner who entered Afghanistan without their sanction during the war. The problem for Mahmoud Melbaaf, who was our guardian in those vulnerable weeks, was the fascination our story held for the refugees and exiles who harboured us. I’d darkened my blonde hair, and I wore sunglasses almost all the time. But, no matter how careful and secretive we were in the slums and camps where we stayed, there was always someone who knew who I was. The temptation to talk about the American gunrunner who was wounded in battle, fighting with the mujaheddin, was irresistible. Talk like that would’ve been enough to pique the curiosity of any intelligence agent from any agency. And had the secret police found me, they would’ve discovered that the American was in fact an escaped convict from Australia. That would’ve meant promotions for some, and a special thrill for the torturers who would get to work on me before they handed me over to the Australian authorities. So we moved often and we moved quickly, and we spoke to none but the few we trusted with our wounded lives.
Little by little, the details emerged: the more complete story of the battle we’d run into, and our rescue after it. The Russian and Afghan soldiers who’d surrounded our mountain comprised the best part of a company and, as such, were probably led by a captain. Their sole purpose in operating among the Shar-i-Safa Mountains was to catch and kill Habib Abdur Rahman. A huge reward had been posted for his arrest, but the terror and the horror that his atrocities had forced into their minds made the hunt for him a much more personal operation for the searchers. So mesmerised were they by his savage hatred, and so obsessed were they with his capture, that they failed to detect the stealthy advance of Ahmed Shah Massoud’s forces. When we made our break for freedom, acting on Habib’s information that most of the Russians and the Afghans were busy laying mines and other traps on the far side of the mountain, the startled sentries in the deserted enemy camp had opened fire. They’d thought, perhaps, that Habib himself was coming for them, because their fire was wild and undisciplined. That action had precipitated the attack that was being planned by Massoud’s mujaheddin, who must’ve seen the firing as a pre-emptive strike by the Russians. The explosions I’d seen and heard as I ran toward the enemy—they blew up their own mortar shells, the idiots—were actually direct hits on the Russian positions by Massoud’s mortars. The wider mortar strikes that tore into our line were mere accidents: friendly fire, as they say.
And that was the elated moment I’d called glorious, in my mind, as I ran into the guns: that stupid waste of lives, that friendly fire. There wasn’t any glory in it. There never is. There’s only courage and fear and love. And war kills them all, one by one. Glory belongs to God, of course; that’s what the word really means. And you can’t serve God with a gun.
When we fell, Massoud’s men pursued the fleeing enemy all the way around the mountain and into the returning company of minelayers. The battle that followed was a massacre. Not one man of the force sent to catch and kill Habib Abdur Rahman survived. He would’ve liked that, the madman, had he been alive to hear it. I know exactly how he would’ve grinned, with his wide mouth gaping soundless and his grief-crazed eyes bulging on swollen hatreds.
All that cold day, and into the sudden evening, Nazeer and I had remained on the battleground. As we shivered in the swiftly falling shadows of sunset, the mujaheddin and the survivors from our own unit returned from the fighting to find us. Mahmoud and Ala-ud-Din brought the dead—Suleiman and Jalalaad—from the barren mountain.
Massoud’s men had combined with independent Achakzai fighters to claim the Chaman highway from the Pass all the way to the Russian defensive perimeter of besieged Kandahar, less than fifty kilometres from the city. The evacuation to Chaman, and through the Pass to Pakistan, was rapid and without incident. We rode in a truck, carrying our dead friends with us, and reached the checkpoint in hours—the journey that had taken us a month of mountains on Khader’s horses.
Nazeer healed rapidly and began to regain weight. The wounds in his arm and the back of his shoulder closed over well, and gave him little trouble. But the larger and deeper wound to his right thigh seemed to have damaged the ligamentary relationship between muscle, bone, and tendons, from his hip to his knee. The upper leg was stiff, and he still walked with a limp as he swung his right step around the hip, instead of through it.
His spirits were relatively high, however, and he was anxious to return to Bombay—so anxious, in fact, that his fretting attention to my slower recovery became irritating. I snapped at him a couple of times when his solicitous urging—You better? You come now? We go now?—became unendurably annoying. I didn’t know then that he had a mission, Khader’s last mission, waiting for him in Bombay. The mission was all that held his grief and his shame at surviving Abdel Khader in check. And every day, as our health improved, the obligations of Khader’s last command to him grew more suffocating; and his dereliction, as he saw it, more profane.
I had preoccupations of my own. The wounds on my legs were healing readily enough, and the skin on my forehead closed safely over a small, lumpy ridge of bone, but my ruptured eardrum became infected, and it was the source of a constant and almost unbearable pain. Every mouthful of food, every sip of water, every word I spoke, and every loud noise that I heard sent piercing little scorpion stings along the nerves of my face and throat, and deep into my fevered brain. Every movement of my body, or turn of the head, stabbed into that sweating excruciation. Every inward breath, and sneeze or cough, magnified the torment. Shifting accidentally in my sleep and bumping the damaged ear sent me starting up from the cot with a shout that woke every man for fifty metres around.
And then, after three weeks of that maddening, torturous pain and massive, self-medicated doses of penicillin a
nd hot antibiotic washes, the wound healed and the pain receded from me just as memories do, like landmarks on a distant, foggy shore.
My hands healed around the deadened tissue on the knuckle joints. Truly frozen tissue never really heals, of course, and the injury was one of many that settled in my flesh in those exile years. I took the suffering from Khader’s mountain into my hands, and every cold day sends me back there with my hands aching, just as they did when I clutched at the gun before the battle. Nevertheless, in the warmer air of Pakistan my fingers flexed and moved and obeyed me. My hands were ready for the work I had waiting; the little matter of revenge in Bombay. Although my body was thinner after the ordeal, it was harder and tougher than it had been all those plump months before, when we’d first set out for Khader’s war.
Nazeer and Mahmoud organised our return trip by a series of connecting trains. They’d acquired a small arsenal of weapons in Pakistan, and were intent on smuggling them into Bombay. They concealed the guns in bales of fabric, and shipped them in the care of three Afghans who were fluent in Hindi. We rode in different carriages, and never acknowledged the men, but the illicit cargo was always on our minds. The irony of it—we’d set off to smuggle guns into Afghanistan, and we were returning to smuggle guns into Bombay—made me laugh, when it occurred to me, as I sat in my first-class carriage. But the laughter was bitter, and the expression it left on my face turned the eyes of my fellow passengers away.
It took us a little over two days to get back to Bombay. I was travelling on my false British book, the one I’d used to enter Pakistan. According to the entries in the book, I’d overstayed on my visa. Using the little smiling charm I could muster and the last of the money Khader had paid me, the last American dollars, I bribed the officials on both the Pakistani and Indian sides of the border without raising so much as the flicker of an eye. And an hour after dawn, eight months after we left her, we walked into the deep heat and frantic, toiling fervency of my beloved Bombay.
From a discreet distance, Nazeer and Mahmoud Melbaaf supervised the unloading and transport of their military cargo. Promising Nazeer that I would meet up with him that night at Leopold’s, I left them at the station.
I took a cab. I felt drunk on the sound and colour and gorgeous flowing kinesis of the island city. But I had to concentrate. I was almost out of money. I directed the driver to the black-market currency-collection centre in the Fort area. With the taxi waiting below, I ran up the three narrow wooden flights to the counting room. A memory of Khaled wrung out my heart—I used to run up these stairs with Khaled, with Khaled, with Khaled—and I clenched my jaw against it, just as I bit down on the pain in my wounded shins. The two big men, loitering with intent on the landing outside the room, recognised me. We shook hands, all of us smiling widely.
‘What’s the news of Khaderbhai?’ one of the men asked.
I looked into his tough young face. His name was Amir. I knew him to be brave and reliable and devoted to the Khan. For the blink of an eye it seemed, incredibly, that he was making a joke about Khader’s death, and I felt a quick, angry impulse to stiffen him. Then I realised that he simply didn’t know. How is that possible? Why don’t they know? Instinct told me not to answer his question. I held my eyes and my mouth in a hard, impassive little smile, and brushed past him to knock at the door.
A short, fat, balding man in a white singlet and dhoti opened the door and thrust out his hands at once in a double handshake. It was Rajubhai, controller of the currency collections for Abdel Khader Khan’s mafia council. He pulled me into the room, and closed the door. The counting room was the core of his personal and business universe, and he spent twenty out of every twenty-four hours there. The thin, faded, pink-white cord across his shoulder, under his singlet, declared that he was a devout Hindu, one of many who worked within Abdel Khader’s largely Muslim empire.
‘Linbaba! So good to see you!’ he said with a happy grin. ‘Khaderbhai kahan hain?’ Where is Khaderbhai?
I struggled to keep the surprise from my face. Rajubhai was a senior man. He held a seat at the council meetings. If he didn’t know that Khader was dead, then nobody in the city would know. And if Khader’s death was still a secret, then Mahmoud and Nazeer must’ve insisted on the suppression of the news. They hadn’t said anything to me about it. I couldn’t understand it. Whatever their reasons, I decided to support them and to keep my silence on the matter.
‘Hum akela hain,’ I replied, returning his smile. I’m alone.
It wasn’t an answer to his question, and his eyes narrowed on the word.
‘Akela …’ he repeated. Alone …
‘Yes, Rajubhai, and I need some money, fast. I’ve got a taxi waiting.’
‘You need dollars, Lin?’
‘Dollars nahin. Sirf rupia.’ Not dollars. Only rupees.
‘How much you need?’
‘Do-do-teen hazaar,’ I answered, using the slang phrase two-two-three thousand, which always means three.
‘Teen hazaar!’ he huffed, more from habit than any real concern. Three thousand rupees was a considerable sum to the street runners, or in the slums, but it was a trifling amount in the context of the black-market currency trade. Rajubhai’s office collected a hundred times that much and more every day, and he’d often paid me sixty thousand rupees at a time as my wage and my share of commissions.
‘Abi, bhai-ya, abi!’ Now, brother, now!
Rajubhai turned his head and gestured, with a twitch of his eyebrows, to one of his clerks. The man handed over three thousand rupees in used but clean hundred-rupee notes. Riffling the small bundle first, from habit, as a double check, Rajubhai handed the notes across. I peeled off two notes to put in my shirt pocket, and pushed the rest inside a deeper pocket in my long vest.
‘Shukria, chacha,’ I smiled. ‘Mainjata hu.’ Thanks, uncle. I’m going.
‘Lin!’ he cried, stopping me by grasping at my sleeve. ‘Hamara beta Khaled, kaisa hain?’ How is our son, Khaled?
‘Khaled is not with us,’ I said, struggling to keep my voice and my expression neutral. ‘He went on a journey, a yatra, and I don’t know when we’ll see him.’
I took the steps two at a time on the way down to the cab, feeling the shock of each jump shudder into my shins. The driver swung out into the traffic at once, and I directed him to a clothing shop that I knew on the Colaba Causeway. One of the sybaritic splendours of Bombay is the limitless variety of relatively inexpensive, well-made clothes constantly changing to reflect the newest Indian and foreign trends. In the refugee camp, Mahmoud Melbaaf had given me a long, blue-serge vest, a white shirt, and coarse brown trousers. The clothes had served for the trip from Quetta, but in Bombay they were too hot and too strange: they drew curious attention to me when I needed the camouflage of current fashion. I chose a pair of black jeans with strong, deep pockets, a new pair of joggers to replace my ruined boots, and a loose, white silk shirt to wear over the jeans. I changed in the dressing room, sliding my knife in its scabbard under the belt of my jeans and concealing it with the shirt.
While waiting at the cashier’s desk, I caught sight of myself unexpectedly in an angled mirror that showed my face in three-quarter profile. It was a face so hard and unfamiliar that it startled me to recognise it as my own. I remembered the photograph taken by shy Kishmishi, and looked again into the mirror. There was a cold impassiveness in my face—and a determination, perhaps—which hadn’t even begun to gleam in the eyes that had stared so confidently into the lens of Khaled’s camera. I snatched up my sunglasses and put them on. Have I changed so much? I hoped that a hot shower, and shaving off my thick beard, would soften some of the hard edges. But the real hardness was inside me, and I wasn’t sure if it was simply tough and tenacious or if it was something much more cruel.
The cab driver followed my instructions and pulled up near the entrance to Leopold’s. I paid him, and stood on the busy Causeway for a minute, staring at the wide doorway of the restaurant where my fated connection to Karla and Khad
erbhai had really begun. Every door is a portal leading through time as well as space. The same doorway that leads us into and out of a room also leads us into the past of the room and its ceaselessly unfolding future. People knew that once, deep within the ur-mind, the ur-imagination. You can still find those who decorate doorways, and reverently salute them, in every culture, from Ireland to Japan. I stepped up one, two steps, and reached out with my right hand to touch the doorjamb and then touch my chest, over the heart, in a salaam to fate and a homage to the dead friends and enemies who entered with me.
Didier Levy was sitting in his usual chair, commanding a view of the patrons and of the busy street beyond. He was talking to Kavita Singh. Her eyes were averted, but he looked up and saw me as I approached the table. Our eyes met and held for a second, each of us reading the other’s shifting expressions like diviners finding meanings in the magic of scattered bones.
‘Lin!’ he shouted, hurling himself forward, flinging his arms around me, and kissing me on both cheeks.
‘It’s good to see you, Didier.’
‘Bah!’ he spat, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. ‘If this beard is the fashion for holy warriors, I thank whatever powers protect me that I am an atheist, and a coward!’
There was a little more grey, I thought, in the mop of dark curls that brushed the collar of his jacket. The pale blue eyes were a little more tired, a little more bloodshot. Yet the wicked, leering mischief still arched his eyebrow, and the playful sneer I knew so well, and loved, was still there, curling his upper lip. He was the same man, in the same city, and it was good to be home.
‘Hello, Lin,’ Kavita greeted me, pushing Didier aside to give me a hug.
She was beautiful. Her thick, dark brown hair was tousled and awry. Her back was straight. Her eyes were clear. And, as she held me, the casual, friendly touch of her fingers on my neck seemed like such a tender ravishment—after the blood and snow of Afghanistan—that I can still feel it, through all the years since.
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