by Sasha Winter
I want to apologize for not telling you in person, but for several reasons that I hope will become clear, I feel that putting my reasons in writing is the best for the sake of clarity and understanding.
To tell it straight – I have decided to take up the army’s offer to be part of a special shifter unit. We have not spoken of this since we re-established contact, so I am unsure as to whether you thought it was still happening or were hoping I would change my mind.
Again, I am sorry to not be informing you in person, or if this upsets you, and I guess I should explain why.
Almost five years ago, on the day I was involved in the very same operation that brought my knee to your attention, it also turned out to be the day that led, eventually, to my dishonorable discharge. This was because, in the middle of battle, I killed a civilian I took to be an enemy soldier. Partly I wish to return to the army to make up for this error, but there is another reason.
When I made this mistake I had been carried away by adrenaline and had transformed into my lion form. In this, there are obvious similarities with the incident at your workplace when I attacked Vince. On both occasions, I should have resisted shifting, and the fact that there was not severe consequences on this second occasion does nothing to save it from being a mistake.
You were right to be concerned about how all that happened, Ashley. Shifting was a step too far and showed that I am not quite the ‘gentle soul’ I would like to be. I feel wonderful in that you managed to forgive and understand my reaction – and do not consider me anything like your ex – but there is no escaping the fact that it should not have happened in the first place.
For this reason, above all, I feel you will be better off without me around. I can find my own way without ruining your life and I’m sure someone as terrific as you will find the love of your life just waiting around the corner.
I hope that I have helped you get over a difficult time in your life and want you to know that your wellbeing means the world to me. I will always cherish the time we have spent together and will think of you every day, wishing you nothing but joy and happiness.
Thanks also for the physiotherapy and waking my eyes up to the fact that old wounds can heal.
Take care
Love and best wishes - Marcus & Max
PS: Max is staying with Blake for a while and would love you to visit.
Finishing up, Marcus reflected on the amount of writing before him and hoped it managed to say something about his sincerity. Although he enjoyed a good book (a good fallback hobby for a soldier’s life) he was not much of a writer himself and realized he could not have written so much since the last time he had been made to sit an exam. Typically he had fit all his writing home onto one small postcard, or a short email when online access was available, but this time his words were too important.
When reading over them he found that the letter came across as more organized than he had imagined it would but, most of all, it summed up his reasons well enough, especially the part with the confession. A burden he had never used therapy, or even friendly discussion with Blake, to get off his chest, having only spoken of the matter with his superiors and at his military tribunal prior to its traumatic conclusion.
Ashley deserved to know the truth, and if she was to think less of him, then she would be one of the few people he was comfortable with thinking so, knowing she would judge sympathetically.
Happy with the content though he was, the sudden thought of not seeing her again hit home and he decided that one further sentence needed adding.
PPS: For the record, I am completely, wholly in love with you, but being with me is not only a danger to you, also to your career which I hope my leaving will make easier.
Only once this additional confession was applied was Marcus able to fold up the paper and place it in a sealed envelope. The letter was not heading for the post, however, but would be passed on via Blake and Veronica. He wrote only ‘Ashley’ upon the envelope then bid Max to follow as he made his way out to the car.
Leaving Max behind was another difficult part of the whole process, and the drive to Blake’s was a melancholic affair. Not wanting to cut short his last few moments for some time with his beloved companion, he drove deliberately slowly and annoyed his fellow motorists, not caring when they beeped their horns.
It might be that he would get the chance to send for Max at his base, or it might not. He would need to get a lay of the landscape first and an idea of the kind of operations and training that he would be on. Intuitive as his dog was, all soldiers have their own personal motivations for staying alive and Max was one of them. His dog was still young, and although unfinished business was taking him away, he knew it would not be indefinitely and hoped for a joyous reunion one day soon.
He had spoken with Blake the previous evening, as soon as his conversation with Captain Forrester was concluded, so his friend was well-prepped and expecting him. At the time Marcus had been so decisive about his return that his friend, although sounding surprised, had not collected his wits in time to question the choice, but Marcus was not going to get away so easily when he got there the next day. At first Blake’s attention was taken up by greeting Max, to whom he was also a fan, but there were big questions he needed to get off his chest before allowing the man he had risked his life alongside to jet off back into a warzone.
“Listen Marcus, take a seat for a moment, will you? The plane’s not leaving in the next five minutes, is it?” he asked.
“No, but being punctual is a skill I’d better start practicing,” Marcus replied.
“That’s wired into your DNA like mine anyway. What time’s the flight?”
“Three-thirty—but they ask you get there early…”
“Of course they do, airports always want everyone there two hours early so they can herd them about like sheep, because they like to do things slowly… but you’ve got ten minutes for me, right?”
Marcus gave in and sat down. Blake was right about the airport of course, only it had been his wish to get the separation from Max underway as soon as possible, not wanting to shed a tear in front of them. All good friends have the right to be insistent at certain times, however, and Blake was clearly taking no quarter.
“Are you sure about this, Marcus?” his friend asked when he had his full attention.
“Of course, you know I’m a decisive person. It’s a chance to put that discharge behind me, you understand that…”
“Yeah, without a doubt I understand that side of things,” Blake said. “It’s just that other matters have moved on since then. I know it’s only recently you’ve met Ashley but…well, isn’t there a chance that you’ll be missing out on another life because of this?”
“I think it’s best for us both,” Marcus replied. “Ashley has been through a lot with her last boyfriend.”
“Yeah, I heard about that whole incident. Good timing.”
“And the last thing she needs is some guy like me carrying around violent demons from his army days.”
“But they’re not the same…”
“I know I’m not the same as that bastard, but I’m not completely uncomplicated either. I’ve got to get a grip of this shifter gene of mine; I couldn’t have it raising its ugly head at some unpredictable point in the future.”
Blake appeared to be about to say something in response to this, but closed his mouth again to reconsider, before saying, “Marcus, the reason I think this might be more complicated than you’re letting on is because of the impression I get from Ronnie about you two.”
“We haven’t been keeping it secret.”
“I know, but Ronnie has been talking with the distinct impression that what is going on between you has been far from casual.”
“You two have been dating longer than we have,” Marcus replied.
“I know, but Marcus…” Blake went on, looking for the right words (feelings towards women—outside of sexual attraction anyway—was probably the only subject they had neve
r discussed). “Look, Ronnie and I are casual. I’m not going to cheat on her or anything, but we know we’re both just having fun. Who knows, it might go somewhere, but different relationships have different stages.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying—well, I’m asking, isn’t yours very different? The impression I get from Ronnie is that Ashley had been on cloud nine about you two. Ronnie’s younger and enjoying male attention, after all, but Ashley’s different.”
“Yes, do tell me more about Ashley,” Marcus said stiffly.
“Oh, I’m not saying I know her better than you, man. It’s just, she’s not like Ronnie. Ashley would not be with you if she wasn’t serious, and Marcus, I do know you. You wouldn’t have been wasting your time just trying to expand your sex life, as much as I might have tried to get you to do so in the past. Isn’t there something a bit more serious going on that makes jetting off back to army life a bit more of a conundrum?”
“That’s exactly why I have to go—among other things,” Marcus replied.
“I don’t get that,” said Blake.
“Blake, I’ll level with you,” he continued. “Ashley is terrific. I think the world of her and couldn’t have hoped to meet a nicer person.”
“And yet you’re fucking off to the new shifter unit like a dickwad?”
“I owe it to her and to myself. I can’t hang around and wait for this thing to come back and hurt us both,” he explained. “I’ve got a chance now to figure out what went wrong. Who gets a second chance, Blake? I can’t turn this down.”
“Just so you know,” Blake replied, “I don’t think you need to do this. I know this shifter unit thing is new, but it means it will also be disorganized. Hit and miss, maybe. Something that sounds better than it actually is.”
“We know all about the army’s faults, Blake,” said Marcus. “I’m not deluded here.”
His friend nodded in response but there seemed nothing further to say. While it was obvious they both disagreed about the course he should be taking, neither of them were about to argue with each other too extensively.
“Listen,” Marcus added, holding out his letter. “Can you pass this on to her, via Ronnie when you get the chance?”
“Sure,” Blake replied, taking the letter but looking tentative.
“Thanks, buddy,” he said, then warned, “If you read it, you’re in a world of shit, though.”
“Yeah, yeah!”
“I mean it,” he insisted. “Whether it’s two, three or four years till I’m back, I’ll ask you and I’ll know by the look on your face whether you’re bullshitting me.”
“All right, I promise. I won’t read it.”
Having said his piece, all that was left was for Blake to wish his friend good luck. Marcus knew it would feel a little strange being back in the army without him, but he was the only one of them with unfinished business and he hoped to pass on some of his expertise to any young recruits.
Before leaving, Marcus said goodbye to Max one more time, and then he was on his way. After driving home, he headed straight for a cab to the airport, carrying the basic luggage he needed. Until the plane was in the air, he knew he would feel empty for having left both Ashley and Max behind, but once military life returned his brain would benefit from renewed focus and a chance to make up for the past.
Just as somewhere out there was a family missing its loved ones because of him, he hoped there would be others whose liberty and freedoms were to be protected because of the decision he had made to return. Doing his best to secure a smooth start for the country’s first shifter unit would also be a priority. Society had become more inclusive, but a shifter’s uniqueness remained something that many did not know what to do with.
It was no small amount of pride that drove him on into this lonely and perilous choice, but as he reached his destination there was something that niggled away and caused him to pause for a moment. Part of living with his guilt had been to think on the good he had also done as a soldier. Marcus had saved the lives of civilians too and had often looked to this factor to help him move on. That he had failed to do so might have been telling, but was it really the guilt that held him back, or was it the shame and anger he felt over the army’s treatment of him after all? Death would always be with him, as it would with all of the men and women he had fought beside. Would self-sacrifice really be a friend to him?
Doubt still lingered, but there was only one way to find out.
Blake had been right about the airport. It was a slow and laborious process designed to patronize idiots, but Marcus let it all wash over him. Waiting on orders was part of his life, so once his luggage had been taken away, he purchased one of the bestsellers he saw advertised at the airport book store and started to flick through some pages. Patience and a good book while he awaited instruction; in a way army life had begun already. Very soon he would look the part too, back in uniform and standing to attention with a rifle by his side.
Would he write to Ashley? A part of him liked the idea, but it would probably not be wise. At some point she would need to move on and he didn’t want to go about his operations with the false hope that a sweetheart might be waiting on his return.
He’d seen enough heartbreak in a warzone to know that it was not a good companion.
Chapter 16
A nice day for an afternoon walk and being slightly late back for lunch saw Ashley making her way through the park towards Marcus’s house. Although such activities were supposed to be relaxing, any observers would have noticed that her legs moved at quite a brisk pace, but they would not know that she secretly thought to give her lover time to screw her up against the wall before making her way back to the office.
There was another reason for visiting him on her lunch break, in that she wanted to give him the details about his new physiotherapist in person, but it helped to have an added incentive sometimes. She was addicted now and any excuse to get her hands on him just for a few minutes was welcome.
Luckily she had her wits about her, however, otherwise she might have made a spectacle of herself if she took advantage of an open front door and propositioned Blake by accident. Fortunately she had noticed that Marcus’ car was not the one on the driveway, and thanks to a good memory, she guessed whose it was—though remained confused as to why.
Perhaps Blake was helping him with some refurbishments, Ashley thought, but then when she caught sight of him loading boxes into the boot of his car her heart sank.
“Is Marcus moving out or something?” she asked, not even having the peace of mind to say ‘hello’ first.
“Ashley!” Blake said, surprised. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I came with a message for Marcus, but…”
Lost for words, she tailed off in the hope that Blake would give her some good news.
“I’m sorry, Ashley,” he said. “I’m sure he didn’t want you to find out like this, but Marcus has accepted the mission and he’s going back to the army to be in that special new shifter unit.”
She stared at him, mouth agape. “He’s… you mean he’s gone?”
“He left me this letter to pass on to you,” Blake said, holding out the envelope. All Ashley could do was stare at it open-mouthed, completely failing to disguise how much of a bombshell this news was.
“I’m sorry,” Blake said again. “I’m not sure how much you should know but basically that incident with your ex brought back a lot of bad memories for him. He was afraid of having a negative influence on your life, as he still has a few demons from his army days, I’m afraid. Not that he ever talks about them.”
“So he’s just gone without saying goodbye?” Ashley said in disbelief, looking glumly at the fragile slip of sealed paper she had been given in his place.
“He’ll be at the airport right now, I’d imagine,” Blake replied.
“You mean he hasn’t long gone?”
“He left a couple of hours ago.”
As if responding to
an army summons herself then, Ashley was suddenly running back down the drive and up the street where, if she was lucky, a few cabs would be parked.
“Oh, he told me you should only read that letter after he’s gone,” Blake shouted after her, but right then the time and place for reading the letter was not a factor Ashley cared about. Air travel involved a lengthy boarding process and often delays, although it didn’t look like the kind of stormy weather that could help her, but there had to be a chance. All kinds of emotions were running through her there and then; she was angry for sure, upset that he could go without an explanation, but mostly she just wanted to stop him, even if her hands wanted to slap him around the face for his actions.
Finding a cab was thankfully easy, though her driver took a frustratingly long time to have a conversation with someone on his radio and only got going once she had threatened to jump in the one behind instead.
Assertiveness firmly in place, they were then on their way with Ashley caring not that she had a grumpy cab driver as a result. It was time to act like an important person for a change, though she feared her efforts would not be enough anyway and Marcus would be thousands of feet up in the air by the time she had paid her fare. She had to do all in her power though, or else become another soul that could not forgive their mistakes.
Only once they had hit the road and the speed of her arrival was out of her hands, did Ashley allow herself the time to focus on the envelope Blake had given her and its contents. In truth, they could have been just about anything and she would still have rushed off after him: ‘I can’t stand you. You stink, so I’m off’; ‘I’m a psychotic murderer, you’re better off without me’. She would not have believed those words and persisted but, when she read them, they of course turned out to be far more heartfelt and tragic.
Ashley felt pity for what he had been through, dreadfully sorry for him that he had to live with such a mistake—but that was still not good enough. Not good enough a reason for not saying ‘goodbye’ in person and giving her the chance to talk him out of it; giving her the chance to put her true feelings on the line without being distracted by physical desire as they had been since the day she surprised him by turning up naked in his bed.
