“Oh, shit!” she said as she quickly reached for her aching head. Where was he? She got up and walked to the living room. The apartment was deathly quiet. He must’ve left without even saying good-bye. She made it to the kitchen to get a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and the Tylenol from the cupboard. On the counter, she saw a fifty-dollar bill and a note. She read the note and looked at the money. Damn. She actually started to laugh.
This was her first one-night stand, so she wasn’t exactly sure, although she didn’t think you were supposed to get paid for it. Were you? Did he think I was a hooker? Oh well, she certainly could use the money although she was certain she’d behaved like a wanton woman since she’d drank more than her usual one drink, so she didn’t actually care. She didn’t want to see him ever again. Not that the sex wasn’t good. Because from what she recalled, it was pretty damned good. They definitely had chemistry! Besides, she would be far too embarrassed to see him again.
Vaguely she remembered him saying he had a flight to catch in the morning and he would be gone for a week. That would work out just fine, because she’d given him her business card. The card for the job she didn’t have anymore, so he wouldn’t be able to get ahold of her there. Thankfully, she’d already given her one-month notice on her apartment because she would be moving to her mother’s small apartment this weekend for the time being anyway. At least until she found a new job and figured out what she was going to do with her life now.
Chapter Two
“Last box!” Shana said as she put the label on the box in front of her. She sat back and looked at the stack of boxes lined up against the wall in the bedroom. She’d been living in her mom’s apartment for three months now and still had to dodge boxes to get from room to room. Finally, she had all of her mother’s things sorted out. Throwing her mom’s things away had been extremely difficult because she hated to throw perfectly good things away. You never knew when you might need the stuff, like when you were completely flat broke. Which would be right now.
She had sat on the floor, gone through drawers and boxes, and cried. It was almost like watching a movie of her life, as the memories of her childhood in vivid color pictures flashed in front of her eyes. Pictures of her and her mother. Then the tears would flow freely and she had to put every ounce of energy into focusing so she could finish the box or drawer. One per day was all she’d been able to manage. Which was why she was finally done, three months later.
There were three stacks of boxes. One to throw away, one to sell at the area garage sale and one to keep. They were all stacked in her mother’s bedroom. She slept in the guest room, because she couldn’t bring herself to sleep in her mother’s room. It felt too weird. At least not for now anyway.
There were also a couple of rows of Shana’s boxes stacked alongside of her mother’s. She’d only unpacked her clothes and the necessities, because she wasn’t sure how long she’d be staying. The rent was low compared to what else was out there, but she still hadn’t found a job. Granted she hadn’t been looking too hard. She didn’t have any drive left. After everything she’d been through recently, she was depressed. Under the circumstances, who wouldn’t be? She wasn’t too worried about it, except it sure did zap your energy. She did manage to send out or email five resumes per week. That was her goal and she’d stuck to it. Out of all the ones she sent out, she’d only received about five interviews. None of them seemed right for her. Of course, nothing seemed right anymore at all. Thank God for unemployment checks! People were always complaining about how the government just gave money away. Well, that’s probably because they’d never needed to use it. Well, she sure needed it. About all it covered was the rent, utilities, her car payment and car insurance. Good thing she didn’t eat much because there was very little left over for groceries. Actually, she hadn’t been feeling so great lately. Besides feeling depressed, she wasn’t hungry and the thought of food, made her feel nauseous. Unfortunately, she hadn’t been able to pay the Cobra payments to keep up her medical insurance, so she couldn’t afford to go see the doctor. Besides, with everything she’d been through, she was sure it was only depression.
She heard knocking and got up to answer the door. She looked through the peephole. It was her neighbor. She opened the door and said, “Hi, Sam.”
“Shana, how are you doing?” he asked.
“Okay, I guess.”
“Still going through boxes, huh?”
“It’s a slow, sad process, unfortunately,” she stated, looking back towards the last box sitting on the floor.
“I know ...” he paused, “I know all too well. It took me awhile to get going after my Ellie passed on.” He handed her a container.
“What is it?”
“I made my special recipe chili. It makes a lot, so I thought maybe you might like some.”
“Thank you, Sam. That’s very kind of you.”
“Thought maybe you could use some. I know when you’ve lost someone special, you don’t feel much like cooking or eating. Right?”
“As a matter of fact, I haven’t felt much like eating at all lately. Hadn’t really thought about it though as to why.”
“I know it’s hard, yet you have to go on with your life without her. You’re still young, and you’re here. God has a purpose for you.” He paused. “Sorry. You don’t need to be lectured by some old man. Promise me you’ll try my special recipe chili. I’m quite proud of it.”
“Actually, I haven’t eaten today. I promise to taste it. Thank you.”
Sam started walking away, but stopped and turned back. “Let me know what you think of it.”
Shana shut the door and walked into the kitchen. The minute she took the cover off, she could smell the rich tomato base. She loved chili and it smelled great. Her stomach lurched and she went running for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet. She didn’t throw up much because she hadn’t eaten anything. What was that all about? It certainly wasn’t the chili because she hadn’t even gotten to take a bite.
It took two more weeks of the queasy stomach before Shana realized what should’ve been obvious. She knew she’d missed her period the last two months, but had discounted it to the stress of losing her mother, job and apartment. Stress can do that. However, she had conveniently chosen to forget her one-night stand with unprotected sex. When the reality of her situation sunk in, she practically ran to her car and drove like a maniac to Walgreen’s to buy a pregnancy test. She hoped it wasn’t a waste of money, although on the other hand, she wished it were. How crazy is that?
Not sure if she truly wanted to know one way or the other, she still rushed home. In the bathroom she read the instructions twice to make sure she did it right. The minutes passed slowly in the silent bathroom as she reminded herself to breathe. Several moments later, Shana stared at the results, not believing what she saw. She was pregnant!
“Shit!” was all she could say as she slid to the floor slowly and hung her head over the edge of the bathtub. She cried and cried and cried until there wasn’t a drop left in her. She finally managed to walk to the bedroom. She laid down on her big, king-sized bed and curled in a ball with her knees against her chest. The last thing she remembered before falling asleep was pulling the comforter over her traitorous body.
Shana couldn’t force herself to get up. She just lay in the bed as her body kept reminding her mind she was pregnant. The queasiness of her stomach was definitely a reminder. She knew she had to eat something except how was she supposed to do that when the mere thought of eating made her feel like vomiting? She struggled to get up and made it to the kitchen to find some saltine crackers.
Thankfully, she had some Sprite on hand, because she always had some for flu emergencies. A few hours later, she was feeling a little better, so she decided to try some chicken noodle soup. She kept a few cans on hand for just this type of occasion—when she came down with the flu. It was a good thing she got some food down because she was feeling light headed too. She grabbed a quilt and sat
down on the couch to watch TV. She needed to get her mind off the whole pregnancy thing.
It worked for a while, however then her thoughts drifted back to the pregnancy. Her mind raced. She thought about Kal and their one-night stand. What were the odds you could get pregnant from doing it once? Pretty slim, she’d guess. Then if it were going to happen to anyone, it would be her because she certainly wasn’t lucky. She wondered if he’d even given her a second thought after he left that morning, or if he had called her old work number or gone to her work.
She hadn’t talked to anyone from work since she left that day. It’s strange but when you work with people every day, talk to them, eat with them, share details of your lives; you think they’re your friends, although they really aren’t. You don’t do things with them outside of work hours except for work functions. That should be a sign they aren’t real friends. However, you have to work together and get along so everyone is nice to each other. It’s kind of like being fake friends. Not one called her after she’d been laid off. Not one! Some had known her situation. Her money problems. About her mom. Yet, not one called to see how she was doing or if she’d gotten a new job.
Of course, she hadn’t made it easy for anyone to be her friend, either. Not because she didn’t want to be friends, merely because she had been over extended with her time between the long hours at work and spending every free moment with her mom. There hadn’t been any time left for her, let alone for friends. So now, there was no one she could call to talk to. No one to tell about the pregnancy. No one to talk to about what she should do.
And Kal. She hadn’t even gotten his phone number or business card. Of course, she hadn’t planned to ever talk to him again so what would she have needed it for. He seemed like a nice person except for the small fact that he got her pregnant.
They should’ve used protection. They should’ve used a condom. No. He should’ve used a condom. It’s the guy’s responsibility. Never mind the fact that she’d been the one to basically sit on his penis. Well, he could've stopped her. Right? Of course, he could’ve. He could certainly have stopped before he came anyway. That would’ve helped and then she wouldn’t be in this mess.
Well, it wasn’t his problem, it was hers. She had no idea where he lived or worked. Hell, she didn’t even know what his last name was. So there was no way he was ever going to know what happened. That she had gotten pregnant from their one-night stand. Life just plain sucked. And for her, it hadn’t only not gotten better; it had gotten really bad. There was no one to help her, either. No one!
Six hours after Shana got out of bed, she headed to the bedroom and crawled back into bed. There wasn’t anything she could do except feel sorry for herself. She cried until she fell asleep because her body was drained, both physically and emotionally. Sleep offered peace. A time when her mind shut down and she no longer had to think about all her problems.
Shana woke the next morning and pretty much went through the same routine. This went on for weeks. She only went out once to buy some groceries and mail some bills.
A month later, she decided to go to a free women’s health clinic, Lake Nokomis Health Center. Shana had never been to a free clinic, but then, she’d always had insurance. It wasn’t in the best area of the city, however, that was probably because it was in an area people lived in who didn’t have insurance or money. The women in the lobby were not dressed well. It was obvious they didn’t have money. The kids were dressed in torn clothes or clothes that were either too big or too small. The kids had runny noses and coughs. She was actually afraid to sit down on the chair because she was sure the germs were running rampart in the waiting room.
They were a sorry bunch of people seated in the waiting room. Probably all on public assistance and here she was. What did that say? Shana wanted nothing more than to get up and walk out the door. Only she was just as bad off as the rest of them. She couldn’t afford to go anywhere else so she waited her turn.
Her mind went crazy and painted a horrible picture of what her life could be like if she had a baby and no money. That was the sad reality of her situation. No matter how bad her situation was, she had always wanted to have children someday. There simply wasn’t any way she could have a baby right now. She didn’t have any medical insurance. It cost money to go to the hospital and deliver a baby. She had neither money nor insurance. The baby would have no insurance either.
She had no job. She was too depressed to go look for a job. Hell, she looked depressed. Any Human Resources person would take one look at her depressed state and the interview would be over. She couldn’t even take care of herself anymore, so she certainly couldn’t take care of a baby.
There just wasn’t any way she could do this. She had never agreed with abortion nevertheless now she understood why women in dire circumstances did it. Not all were in dire circumstances though; some simply didn’t want to deal with it, regardless. No matter what her thoughts on abortion were, dire circumstances were going to be a huge factor in her case.
* * * *
About a week later, she received a call from the health center.
“Shana?”
“Yes,” Shana answered.
“I’m Jane, a nurse from Lake Nokomis Health Center. I’m calling to advise you there was a child in the office on the day of your appointment who was diagnosed with German measles a week later. So you may have come in contact with the virus. Since you are pregnant, it is very important to watch for any symptoms, as the German measles can be very harmful to your unborn baby.”
How could she be so unlucky? She knew that waiting room had been filled with germs, however, German measles she would not have expected.
The nurse continued, “Complications your baby could have, if you came down with the German measles, would be that the baby could be born blind, deaf, have heart defects or brain damage. The chances would be a 50/50 chance.”
She just wasn’t a lucky person, so if she got it, the baby would probably be born with one or all of those birth defects. There was no doubt in her mind.
“You need to watch closely for any symptoms,” the nurse said. “They may not show up right away. If you start running a mild fever or see any signs of a rash consisting of flat pink spots starting on the chest and then spreading to the face, arms and legs, you should call the health center immediately. The rash spots may merge together making the skin look flushed.”
Shana wasn’t sure what kind of measles she had when she was young and she couldn’t ask her mother, so she was just going to assume she’d already had the German measles and not worry about it. Right?
“The incubation period is 14-21 days,” the nurse said. “So you only have two weeks to go.”
She didn’t have a fever or any rash so far. Although there was still time for them to show up. Just what she needed, one more thing about which to be depressed.
For Shana, the next two weeks passed slowly. Each day she got up in the morning and checked for spots. Each day there were none. Finally, she reached the two-week mark. Could her luck be changing finally? She was actually excited about that chance. Little did she know how foolish she was to even entertain the thought.
Two days later, she was feeling a little bit under the weather and thought she might be coming down with a cold, not even giving the measles thing a second thought. Then one day later, she stepped out of the shower and while wiping off in front of the mirror saw a sprinkling of spots on her chest. Shana literally stared at herself in the mirror, dropping the towel to the floor. She knew at that moment she had come down with German measles. Now she remembered the nurse said during the first seven days, there would be little or no signs except maybe a mild fever. That was why she hadn’t felt up to par the last week. She had been focused on the spots. Forcing herself to put her robe on, she walked to the bed before she collapsed.
She lay on the bed staring at the ceiling fan. At that moment, she knew her life was over. She’d barely been making it through each day the way it was. She was dep
ressed and they couldn’t give her anything because she was pregnant. She spent her days crying mostly and had to literally force herself to eat. She wasn’t hungry because of her depression and the smell of food made her nauseous from the pregnancy. So who would want to eat?
The tears rolled slowly down her flushed cheeks and then ran freely as if a dam had broken loose. She cried for herself, and her and Kal’s unborn child. The thought of Kal made her anger rise. This was all his fault! First, he should never have had sex with her without using a condom! It’s the guy’s responsibility to bring the condom, put it on and use it. What kind of a guy was he anyway? She hadn’t a clue. Hell, she didn’t even know his last name much less who he was. What kind of guy goes home with a woman he just met in a bar? Who obviously was drunk and had unprotected sex with her. And, to top it all off, sneaks out in the morning, leaving a note with money as if he was paying her for sex. Did he think she was a hooker or what? Hell, she didn’t care. The pregnancy was her problem, her mess and she would take care of it.
Shana reached for the phone and called the nurse at the clinic. She knew she had to have someone look at her to confirm she indeed did have German measles. How that was going to happen she wasn’t quite sure. She knew she was contagious, so if she went anywhere, she was putting other people at risk. The nurse put her on hold to retrieve her file. When she came back on the line, she informed her a doctor would come to examine her today. She was not to go out or have any contact with anyone. Shana hung up the phone and stared out the window.
She finally got up and dressed. She made a piece of toast and barely managed to get it down with a glass of orange juice. Her life certainly hadn’t turned out the way she’d thought it would. She couldn’t even recall another time in her life when she’d been depressed. This just wasn’t her.
Taking Chances Page 2
