by Donna Fasano
He exhaled, closed his eyes and dragged his fingers through his hair. “Look, if you’re not ready to deal with reality, that’s fine with me. You and Ginny can use the cabin as long as you like. You won’t see me. I won’t come around. You won’t even know I live on the same mountain.”
He turned then and walked down the steps. Laurel directed her gaze at the thick stand of trees, not wanting to watch him leave. She listened as the truck’s door opened and closed, the engine revved and the tires crunched on the gravel as he drove out of her life.
Engulfed by empty silence, she glanced over her shoulder. The empty lane, engulfed by the chilly black night, mirrored her perception of what life would be like for her now. She had succeeded on putting an end to any chance that she and Michael would spend any of her remaining vacation time together. She eased herself down on the porch rocker and looked out into the dark forest, tears slipping unchecked down her cheeks.
“Why couldn’t you understand?” she whispered. “Satisfying the wanting isn’t enough without the loving. I couldn’t give you just a piece of me. It was all or nothing.”
Chapter Ten
Winded from her trek up the steep mountain trail, Laurel stopped to catch her breath. The valley looked as colorful as a vibrant abstract painting, and blue-gray clouds billowed high in the sky above. She remembered Michael telling her that when the “blue smoke” rolled in, snow was sure to follow.
She shivered, not knowing whether her shaking was caused by thoughts of snow or the fact that merely thinking Michael’s name brought his face, sharp and clear, to her mind. Defiantly pushing his image aside, she zipped up her jacket and continued her hike.
She crossed the meadow at the top of the mountain and was standing under the huge, lone oak tree before she realized that she’d arrived at the spot where she and Michael had shared their picnic.
What had brought her here? She had purposefully avoided all the places they had visited togetherâuntil today. Today every place she went to brought thoughts of him. Was her subconscious deliberately leading her along a poignant path?
It had been five long, empty days since she and Michael had so unpleasantly parted. She’d spent most of them tramping through the forests, trying to keep herself busy, trying to think of anything but Michael. However, she’d found it impossible. The harder she tried not to think of him, the more he filled her thoughts.
The nights were even worse. Endless, sleepless nights spent staring at the moon through the window. What little sleep she did get was riddled with horrible, gut-wrenching dreams, dreams of Michael coming to her only to tender a scathing laugh and turn away, leaving her alone to fret and pine and wait for him again.
She looked up through the branches of the huge tree and wished she could shed these thoughts of Michael as easily as the oak sloughed off its leaves each autumn. Lowering herself to the ground, she leaned against the rough bark and sighed. A tear slid down her face and dropped onto the back of her hand.
“Stop it!” she muttered, dashing the moisture away. “It’s over. It’s all over.”
In the days since he’d said goodbye, Michael had been true to his word. Laurel hadn’t seen hide or hair of him. Not that she was hoping toâin fact, she’d been relieved not to have to face him.
She couldn’t get things straight in her mind. She thought that knowing Michael wanted her purely on a physical basis would diminish her desire for him, but her feelings were just as strong as ever.
“This is crazy!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. Two blackbirds bolted from the branches overhead. She sat still as her words were carried away by the greedy breeze.
I can’t do this anymore, she thought. This is absolute torture. I’ll go insane if I stay in these mountains a moment longer.
She closed her eyes and tried to think of home. Ocean City. The shops, the crowds of vacationers, the beach, the dunes, the seagulls. Everything she knew so well. But her thoughts kept turning back to the lush woods, the gurgling streams, the wildflowers, the critters, the craggy cliffs, the awe-inspiring beauty of Maryland’s mountains.
In a little over a week she’d be returning to the city, and she was uneasy about what she might find. Things would certainly be different. With Jim managing the old store and Ginny having her own shop, her father at home and her mother happy to have him there, Laurel couldn’t help wondering where she would fit in. Oh, she was sure they wouldn’t shut her out; she’d been the center of everyone’s world for far too long. But things wouldn’t be the same. She wasn’t the same. And neither was anyone else.
What was she going to do with herself? In the past she’d filled so many voids for her family; parent for Ginny, caretaker for her mother, business manager at the shop for her father. But those holes seemed to be growing smaller and smaller, and she was left doubting where that left her. Dragging in a lungful of the cool mountain air, she felt a tremendous longing to stay in this wild, wonderful place, to see what the winter did to this mountain paradise. These hills would look magnificent coated by crystalline snow.
Stop! She shook her head, erasing the picture. Home was where she belonged. She had to return to the place where she used to be needed.
I’m going to cry again, she thought incredulously. She never cried. She’d always been the strong one. She needed something, anything, to divert her attention from all this sadness. Taking another deep breath, she stood and brushed off the back of her trousers. She’d go find Ginny. Then they’d pick up a pizza and have dinner with Darlene and the baby.
Darlene’s newborn son had a way of making everything seem bright and cheerful.
Her decision made, she started walking briskly toward the cabin.
~
“Laurel, why won’t you talk about it? Why do you keep changing the subject?” Ginny’s questions hung in the air, tense and awkward. “You’re dancing around like your life depended on it.”
The three of them, Laurel, Ginny and Darlene, sat sharing a pizza smothered with every topping the small take-out shop had to offer.
Laurel lowered the slice she was about to take a bite of and stared at her sister. “I don’t know what you mean. I haven’t moved from this spot since I arrived.”
Ginny just glared in response.
Finally, Laurel signed. “What is it you want me to talk about?” she challenged.
“You know exactly what I want to talk about,” Ginny said. “Michael.” She wiped her mouth with a paper napkin. “And you.”
“There’s nothing to discuss, Gin.” Laurel used a tone that would normally convey “Leave it alone,” but Ginny wouldn’t be put off.
“Give me a break.”
“Yeah, give us a break,” Darlene chimed in. “We’re all family here, right? So tell us what happened.”
Ginny jumped in again. “You’ve moped around here for days. Half the time you’ve had tears in your eyes. The other half you look like you’re sleepwalking.”
“I think I’ll go check on the baby.” Laurel started to rise but was thwarted as both Ginny and Darlene reached out to hold her arms, guiding her gently back down to her seat.
“The baby’s fine,” Darlene said.
“His belly’s full and he’s sleeping like a log. So,” Ginny coaxed, taking another slice of pizza from the box, “tell us.”
“Yes, tell us.” Darlene slid back on the couch, ready to listen.
Laurel looked from one to the other. “You guys are ganging up on me, and I don’t like it very much.”
“We decided that it was the only way we could get you to spill it,” Ginny explained.
“There’s nothing to tellâ”
“There is something to tell,” Darlene interrupted. “You’ve been miserable and we know it has something to do with my almost cousin-in-law.”
“Michael?” Laurel’s voice was sharp. “What’s he said to you?”
“Nothing.” Ginny shook her head, thoroughly disgusted. “We can’t get him to talk, either. You two were inseparab
le ever since we got here. Then all of a sudden you’re not even speaking to each other. And here I was sure you guys were getting serious. So? What happened?”
Laurel’s gaze passed from Ginny to Darlene and back to Ginny. What harm could it do to tell them the truth? she wondered. With all hope of Ginny attending college gone, what did it matter if Laurel fessed up to what she’d done? Besides, talking about it might make her feel better, might help her to sort things out in her own head.
“It was all a game,” Laurel blurted out.
Several seconds ticked by.
“A game?” Ginny asked. “What do you mean?”
“Our dating. It never meant anything. It was a game. An act. Michael and I were only acting.”
Ginny and Darlene exchanged looks of incredulity.
“But why?” Ginny looked totally confused.
“For you, Gin. For you. And because of that stupid bet we made.” Laurel could see from her sister’s face that this was going to take a lot of explaining. “You see, it was important to me that you had some other choice besides being forced into working at the shop like I was. I wanted you to go to collegeâ”
“But I want to work in the shop,” Ginny said. “I always have.”
“I understand that now. I didn’t then.” Laurel slid to the edge of her chair. “Remember how you said you thought that being responsible would be tedious? Well, Michael agreed to help me show you that responsible people can have just as good a time as the next guy.”
Ginny just sat there shaking her head, her eyes wide. “Laurel! What a dumb thing to do!”
Falling back against the cushion, Laurel confessed miserably, “It does sound completely stupid when you say it out loud, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. It sure does,” Ginny said, her mouth quirking. She and Darlene fell into a fit of giggles.
Laurel sat up and glared at them. “Well, let me tell you, it sounded perfectly reasonable at the time. Even Michael thought so.”
“Jeez, Laurel, how did you talk Michael into doing something so lame?” Ginny squeaked.
“You must have done some really good fast-talking to persuade him,” Darlene added.
“I didn’t have to persuade him to do anything.” Laurel’s statement was filled to the brim with indignity. “It was his idea.”
“His idea?” The question echoed from both girls, and the laughing suddenly stopped.
“Yes. His idea.”
“Wow!” Darlene said, astonished.
“Anyway,” Laurel continued, wanting to get it over with, “we ended up really enjoying our time together. And even though I never meant to…I mean…even though I never wanted to…I…I’ve…”
“You fell in love with him,” Ginny finished for her. “I knew it! Didn’t I tell you that you were in love with him?”
At first, all Laurel could do was nod. Then she shook her head and admitted, “Yeah, well, you knew it before I did, smarty.”
“So, what’s the problem?” Darlene asked simply.
“The problem is that even though the whole thing turned into something meaningful to me, it didn’t to Michael.” Laurel tucked her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment before adding, “For him it started out as a game and it ended as a game.” Then she shook her head and mumbled, “A game he really didn’t want to stop playing.”
“So, does he know?” Ginny asked.
“Does he know what?” Laurel threw her napkin into the empty pizza box.
“How you feel about him!”
“Of course not! How could I tell him? He would laugh in my face if he knew I’d fallen for him.” Laurel’s throat constricted and the tears that welled up again stung her eyes.
“Laurel, I know Michael,” Darlene said softly. “I’ve known him all my life. He’s not like that. He wouldn’t laugh at you. And he wouldn’t go on playing some kind of game, no matter how silly it was, if there wasn’t something more to it.”
“And the whole thing was his idea,” Ginny added. “That says something right there.”
“I saw the way he looked at you the night Jimmy was born.” Darlene smiled wryly. “I may have been busy, but I still noticed.”
“And those kisses I saw!” Ginny smiled and raised her brows. “Laurel, nobody’s that good an actor.”
Laurel looked down at her tightly clenched hands. Could they be right? Could Michael really care about her? Thinking back over their times together, Laurel remembered the caresses and the kisses and the loving endearments Michael had bestowed on her, even when Ginny was nowhere near them. She had thought at the time it was only because he was enjoying himself, having a good time. But Darlene was right about Michael, Laurel thought. He wasn’t the kind of person who would take advantage of anyone.
“I think you should tell him,” Ginny called out.
“Me, too,” Darlene agreed. “What have you got to lose?”
Should she tell him? Laurel mulled it over. What did she have to lose?
Ginny stared at her intently. “I’d say you have more to lose if you don’t tell him.”
Her stomach began to churn with anxiety. No, it was excitement. They might be right! If there was a sliver of a chance that he might have feelings for her, she’d be foolish not to go for it.
“You’re right,” she exclaimed. “You’re absolutely right. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I need to tell him.” She stood and turned toward the door, then stopped short and turned back. “But I don’t know where he is.”
“Call him,” Darlene offered.
“No.” Laurel stood up. “I want to see him. Face to face.”
“Let’s see,” Ginny said, looking at her watch. “It’s half past one.”
“He’ll be working,” Darlene said. “Try the ranger station.”
Second thoughts seeped into Laurel’s brain. “Maybe I should wait till he’s finished work.”
“Don’t wait,” Darlene said emphatically.
“Go now!” Ginny ordered.
Laurel grabbed her purse and keys and stormed out the door, leaving Darlene and Ginny grinning like two idiots.
~
Laurel pushed her thumbnail against the pin nestled inside the air intake stem of the tire until all the air hissed out.
I can’t believe I’m doing this, she thought for the thousandth time. How can a sane, rational person do something so rash? He’s going to think I’m nuts. A raving lunatic! As she’d driven by the ranger station and seen Michael’s truck there, a crazy plan had taken shape in her mind. She might be uncertain as to how Michael felt about her, but she was sure he would never refuse a plea for help.
She’d parked the car on the side of the road a few hundred yards beyond the station and let all the air out of the new tire Michael had had put on her car. When the wheel’s rim was sitting on the ground, the tire a flabby black blob on the gravel shoulder, she rubbed her index finger against the grimy hubcap and wiped a stripe of dirt down her right cheek, just for effect.
She glanced into the side mirror at her reflection and then back down at the flat tire. Pleased with her job, she stood up and wiped the dirt from her hands onto the rear of her cream-colored slacks.
Purposefully she strode toward the cedar-clad building, ignoring the concentric waves of tension radiating inside her. She breathed in deeply when she reached the station door, running a hand through her hair.
“Oh, what the hell,” she muttered and fluffed her hair in all directions.
She opened the door and was met by a petite blond receptionist whose eyes widened at the sight of her.
“Can I help you?”
Laurel looked down the short hall and saw two offices. The doors of both were open, the lights on.
“I need help,” she said loudly, hoping Michael would appear.
“Would you like to sit…”
Her eyes darting back to the receptionist, Laurel frantically shook her head. “No, no, thank you.”
A green uniformed figure stepped out of one
of the offices and Laurel’s heart caught in her throat. But when she turned her eyes on him, her heart sank. The ranger had flaming red hair and a sprinkling of freckles across his nose.
Then the man was joined by another and Laurel’s knees nearly buckled. It was Michael! And he’d never looked so good.
“I think this lady needs some help,” the receptionist said.
Laurel gave a jerky nod of her head and swallowed, trying to relieve the sudden dryness that had her tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth. She hadn’t planned on having an audience. As a matter of fact, she hadn’t planned at all! All she’d wanted to do was get Michael alone to talk to him, tell him how she felt, but now she had to go on with her helpless act.
Locking her gaze on Michael’s face, she said, “I have a flat tire.”
Michael’s eyebrows rose.
“On my car,” she added, vaguely pointing her thumb over her shoulder.
The knots in her stomach tightened as she waited for his reaction. Oh, God, this was worse than she’d ever expected. What if he embarrassed her right here in front of these people? She held her breath as she watched him lean back against the doorjamb and tuck his hand into his pocket.
“I’m sure you’re capable of changing that tire yourself,” he said easily.
They both ignored the distressed sound that came from the other ranger.
“Oh, yes, I am,” she assured him. “But…” Her mind went momentarily blank. She had never considered the possibility that he might refuse to help her. Indecision, mixed with confusion, built in her chest, rising up in her throat until she could almost taste the panic.
Then she saw it: an impish gleam twinkling in his eyes. He was teasing her! A rush of joyous relief filled her, washing away all her doubts and confusion.
“I need you, Michael.”
The teasing glint in his eyes was suddenly gone.
“I don’t like being an actress. I’ve discovered that I have no talent for it. Every time my real emotions start to show, I remember that I’m supposed to be acting, and I have to hide my true feelings.” Her words came in such a rush, she hoped he understood what she was trying to say.
