Without even really realizing he was doing it, Caine started to pick the label off of the bottle in his hands. He couldn’t look up. He couldn’t look Ben in the face and do this. “It was okay when Mamere was alive. Ruben was always strict, probably far too strict by today’s standards, but Mamere, she took the edge off. When she died, Ruben went off the deep end. He took to the drink bad, and any little thing I did would get me a beating. I don’t know which I hated worse, him or that belt. It was always a belt. There were days I could barely get through school I hurt so bad. I think there were years when my back and ass and legs stayed pretty much permanently black and blue. It was a miracle if I could go for a few days without getting a whuppin’, much less a week.”
“And that’s what you were remembering?” Ben asked gently. “You overheard someone getting spanked with a belt, and that set you off, remembering what Ruben had done to you as a boy.”
Caine nodded. “Do you see now why I can’t do this? Do you get why this thing with Norah is a lost cause? Yes, she’s beautiful, and yes, I’m attracted to her, but I could never do that to her. I could never hurt her like that. I know y’all are into it around here, and that makes it different and all, but I can’t do that. I can’t.”
There was a long moment of silence. Benjamin studied him carefully. Caine could practically see the wheels turning in his head. He hoped desperately that he had not offended his friend. He knew Benjamin and Jonathon lived this lifestyle too. He had never quite been able to wrap his head around that, not for them or for Jerry and Elly either really. He couldn’t imagine either man punishing his partner the way that Ruben had done him. He knew it happened, but he had never seen or even felt the slightest evidence of such a thing. How they kept it so quiet was beyond him. Caine was pretty sure the whole neighborhood had known when Ruben had been going at him, not that anyone had ever done anything about it.
“Is that what you think discipline relationships are about?” Ben asked finally. “Is that what you think goes on around here? I’ve never made a secret of Jon’s and my relationship. Is that what you’ve been thinking all this time, that I beat him the way that Ruben did you?”
“You do, don’t you?” Cain asked, confused. “I mean, I know you don’t go to that sort of extreme. I’d have noticed the signs of that, but you do whup him sometimes. It’s all the same, isn’t it?”
“God, no!” Ben shoved back from the table and stood up. Clearly agitated, every muscle in his body rigid, he began to pace around the room.
Caine felt himself tensing up in response. He was still nervous enough that even the slightest suggestion of anger set him on edge. “If I said something wrong...” he said, “wasn’t trying to upset you, mon ami.”
Ben stopped pacing then. He breathed deeply several times and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know. You don’t understand, and that’s not your fault.” He moved slowly back over to the table and sat back down. “What we do, Jon and I, is the furthest thing possible from what your grandfather did to you. I know you didn’t mean it, but even the idea that I might be hurting him in that way upsets me. The only thing even vaguely similar between what he did to you and a consensual DD relationship like what Jon and I have is that we occasionally make use of the same tools. It’s like saying someone who uses a hammer to bash a person’s head in and one who uses it to build a house are doing the same thing simply because they both use a hammer. It’s not even close.”
“How can that be?” Caine asked. It was true that he had known for a long time that the people here were far different than what he expected, given the lifestyle they purported to practice, but how could it possibly be that different?
“For one, I’ve never disciplined Jonathon if I couldn’t be calm and in control of myself,” Benjamin told him. “For another, I’ve never beaten Jonathon. I never will, and God help anyone else who was stupid enough to try. Have I spanked him? Absolutely. I’ve even occasionally used a belt, but never like that. Never even close. He’s never once been black and blue and battered after a spanking from me. He’ll have a red, sore ass, but that’s it.”
“Yeah, of course,” Caine agreed. “I know you don’t go to Ruben’s extreme. I told you that. I get that.”
Ben shook his head. “No, you don’t. You don’t get it at all. It’s not just about the degree of damage. It’s about that there is no damage, not for us. In fact, if I’m doing my job right, I’m making it better, not worse.”
Yeah right. Caine wasn’t about to call Benjamin a liar, not to his face in his own home. He had better manners than that, but he didn’t believe it. Not for a second. There was no way in hell getting your ass beat could ever make the situation better. Okay, he knew there were people who were into pain. He didn’t get it personally, but he understood the concept of it being a sexual thing. That clearly wasn’t what Ben was talking about, and what he was talking about made no damn sense.
“Let me ask you this,” Ben said, “have you ever once felt guilty or upset about something and not been able to let it go?”
“Of course,” Caine replied. “Who hasn’t?”
“Have you ever wished there was some way you can make it better or make it go away?”
Of course he had, Caine thought irritably. What did that have to do with anything? “Yeah, sure.”
“That’s what being disciplined does for Jon,” Benjamin explained. “It lets him let it go. It helps him settle, and occasionally reminds him that he is important and, as such, I expect him to take care of himself and respect himself, not to run himself ragged or tear himself down. Does that sound like your experience with Ruben?”
“Hell no,” Caine replied. It was a lifetime away. Ruben was usually the one tearing him down and telling him how stupid and worthless he was the whole time he was whaling on his ass.
“Growing up, did you know what the rules were? Did you know what would get you punished?” Benjamin asked.
Caine shrugged. “Sometimes.”
“Only sometimes?” Ben pressed.
“I knew the things that were guaranteed to piss Ruben off,” Caine told him. “I usually tried to avoid them. It didn’t always work.”
“Was that the only time you were punished, when you did things you knew Ruben didn’t want you to?” Ben questioned.
Caine shook his head. “No matter how hard I tried, it seemed like there was always something that set him off.”
“In other words,” Ben summarized, “it was more about not pissing Ruben off than it was about anything you had actually done wrong?”
Caine nodded. “Most of the time, yeah.”
“That’s not how it works around here,” Benjamin told him. “Not at all. Jon and I have specific rules that we have discussed and agreed on together. We both know them. We both agreed to them, and they don’t change unless we decide together that one of them needs to change. I don’t just bust his ass anytime he pisses me off. That’s not discipline. That’s abuse.”
Caine couldn’t very well argue with that. He’d known for a long time that what Ruben had done to him was far beyond what could be considered normal and appropriate discipline. At the same time, much of what Benjamin was saying surprised him. It sounded a whole lot more civilized and structured than what he had imagined.
“Didn’t you tell me you went with Norah to some yard sales one Saturday a few weeks ago?” Benjamin asked.
Despite himself, Caine smiled. That had been a good day. She might have been hesitant about going at first, but they had enjoyed themselves. “Yeah, I did.”
“How did that happen?” Benjamin asked. “Did she invite you to come along?”
“Not exactly,” Caine replied hesitantly. “I was there checking on some things when she got ready to leave. When I realized she planned to go traipsing around on roads and in an area she wasn’t familiar with and hauling cartons of books around all day, I didn’t want her going by herself. She could have gotten lost or hurt, and no one would have ever known. It’s not as dangerous now
as in winter, but I still didn’t think wandering around in an unfamiliar area was a good idea.”
Benjamin grinned. “I don’t know what you’re so worried about. You’re already acting like her HOH, and you don’t even know it.”
“I am not,” Caine shot back, outraged. “I’ve never laid a hand on her.”
Benjamin sighed. “Have you heard a single word I’ve said? Have we not just been talking about there being more to this sort of relationship than punishment? Remember about boundaries and keeping them safe? Just what the hell do you think you were doing when you insisted on going with her so she didn’t get lost or have to haul heavy boxes by herself? Was that not all about protecting her and keeping her safe?”
“I suppose it was,” Caine conceded.
“That’s what being an HOH is all about,” Ben told him. “The only difference between being in a DD relationship and what you are already doing is that you have the right to insist and you have the right to enforce the rules if she chooses not to follow them. What would you have done if she had blown you off and not let you come with her?”
“I'd have been pissed,” Caine told him, “but there’s not much I could have done about it. It’s not like I can force her to let me come.”
“Not now,” Benjamin agreed, “but within a consensual DD relationship where you had both agreed that you as HOH had the right to set limits, you would have been absolutely within your rights to insist. Now, that doesn’t necessarily guarantee she’ll never do something you don’t want her to or that she might not have gone without you anyway, but in that case, you have the right to enforce the rules.”
Caine liked the idea of that, right up until it came to the enforcing the rules part. “But I can’t do that,” Caine insisted. “I can’t enforce the rules, as you say. I can’t hit her. I won’t. I’ve vowed a long time ago never to be like Ruben, and I’m not about to break that promise now.”
“Haven’t I just been explaining to you how a consensual spanking is entirely different from the abuse you suffered?” Benjamin asked. “Do you not believe me?”
“No, I believe you,” Caine told him. He did, at least mostly. “I just can’t do it. I can’t hurt her.”
“Of course you can’t,” Benjamin said. “Neither can I. I’d rather hurt myself than hurt Jon, but a spanking isn’t hurting him, not in the long run. Ultimately, it helps far more than it hurts. I’d be willing to bet Norah is just the same.”
“You might be right,” Caine agreed, “but I still can’t bring myself to hit her. I just honestly can’t.”
Benjamin ran his hands through his hair. “Okay, maybe we were going about this the wrong way. After all, spanking isn’t the only form of discipline.”
Caine raised a questioning eyebrow. “It isn’t?”
“No,” Ben replied. “Given the nature of our community it’s the most common one, but it certainly isn’t the only one. There are other options.”
“Like what?” Caine wanted to know.
“Having to stand in a corner seems to work particularly well for Jonathon,” Benjamin replied. “It is especially helpful if I really need him to calm down and think. I will usually use that if he got himself wound up about something or is giving me attitude.”
That was a surprising thought. Jonathon was quiet and good humored. He couldn’t imagine Jon ever giving anybody attitude, much less Benjamin.
“There are other things too,” Benjamin went on. “Things like grounding or removal of privileges. I have on occasion been known to ground Jon from going to work. That is really hard for him, but sometimes he needs it.”
Caine stared at him in complete shock. “You can do that. Isn’t that unprofessional?”
“I can see how it might seem that way,” Benjamin replied. “It’s not something I would ever do lightly. It’s not the kind of thing you use for a minor infraction. It has to be something pretty major. It might not work in every situation, but fortunately we live, and Jonathon works, in Corbin’s Bend. Around here, people understand things like that. Brent has never questioned it. Frankly, he usually agrees with me. That is the advantage of living someplace where everyone shares our lifestyle.”
Caine was still having trouble wrapping his head around it. He saw Benjamin’s point, but it wasn’t anything he could ever see doing to Norah. Jonathon’s job with different. While he was unquestionably vital to the community, he wasn’t running his own business. Norah was. He couldn’t see ever doing anything that would potentially damage that. He told Benjamin as much.
“It doesn’t have to be work,” Benjamin told him. “It could be anything that she liked to do. At some point, it might even be something she enjoyed but you think she needs a break from. Another thing that I have done with Jonathon is to take away his favorite foods. You know we love food around here so not being able to eat something he loves is a real consequence for Jonathon.”
Though he didn’t doubt that Benjamin was sincerely trying to help, Caine felt himself growing increasingly incredulous. This was a completely bizarre conversation. Was Benjamin seriously telling him that he grounded his partner or sent him to bed without dessert like a child?
Caine bit back an urge to laugh that would have been neither kind nor respectful to his friend. “I’m sorry, man. I don’t mean to be disrespectful or judgmental. What you and Jonathon do in your relationship is your business, but is that not a little childish? Putting him n the corner, grounding him, taking away his favorite foods. That sounds like something a parent would do to a child, not the way two grown men or a couple who love each other should work things out between them. I’m not trying to offend you, really. I’m just trying to understand. I can’t imagine Norah would appreciate being treated like a child.”
“I’m not offended,” Ben assured him, “but I think you’re wrong about Norah. I think what she’s willing to accept might surprise you. I don’t discipline Jonathon like that for fun or as some kind of game. I do it because he needs it. From what you’ve told me, Norah is very clear that she needs a DD relationship. That tells me she needs boundaries and consequences too. Given that, I don’t see her not be being willing to accept them. She won’t see them the same way you do. It’s not going to be childish to her. I think she’ll see it more as you making an effort to try to give her what she needs, and I think you’ll be surprised at just what she will accept. After all, if you could do it—and I’m not suggesting you could or should—she would be perfectly willing to let you spank her, wouldn’t she? How is anything I’ve suggested any worse or any more childish than that?”
Caine had to admit he had a point. Before he learned about Corbin’s Bend, he would’ve thought the idea of someone spanking their partner was just as bizarre and childish as the things they were talking about now. That clearly wasn’t the way the people around here saw it. He never got the slightest impression that anyone here was being treated like a child.
“On the other hand,” Ben went on. “You shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with either. If what we do doesn’t work for or you don’t think it would work for Norah, you’re not limited to just that. Feel free to ask around for other suggestions. I’m sure Jerry would have a few ideas too. Maybe you should talk to him.”
“I might do that,” Caine told him. “It’s a lot to think about, but it is something to think about.” For the first time in months, it seemed like that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel and his relationship with Norah might not have to be confined strictly to the friendship realm. “Thanks, man, for everything.”
He broached the subject with Jerry when they met for lunch the following week. Jerry’s advice turned out to be much the same as Ben’s, and he too emphasized the protective and care taking aspects.
“It’s not all about anger or punishment or even control, it’s more about protection than anything,” Jerry told him. “I know it might sound strange to you. It’s a concept Elly really struggles with too sometimes, but that’s what it’s all about. I
mean, don’t get me wrong, I like being in control, but I don’t want to be in charge just for the sake of being in control. I want it so that I can take care of Elly in the way that she needs to be taken care of. “
Caine liked the sound of that. He still had no idea how he could even begin to reconcile that with spanking, but he was all for anything that allowed him to protect and take care of Norah. If giving her boundaries and consequences could do that, then that was an idea he could get behind, as long as he didn’t have to hurt her to do it.
Like Benjamin, Jerry insisted that a spanking wouldn’t hurt Norah, particularly not if it was something she wanted and was asking him for. That was the part of the argument Caine couldn’t buy. Maybe it was different for them, but he wasn’t wired like them. He never would be, but maybe that didn’t matter as much as he had assumed it did. After all, both of his friends also agreed that there were other methods of discipline that didn’t require physical punishment. In addition to the kind of grounding, corner time, and restrictions Benjamin had suggested, Jerry suggested having her write lines or essays.
“Sometimes that can really make her think through what’s going on,” Jerry explained. “Whether lines or essays work best really depends on the person. For some, the repetition of writing lines over and over really helps drive the point home. For others, it just becomes pointless monotony that they don’t really pay attention to and have to think about and writing out some sort of essay or journal works better.”
“How am I supposed to know which works better?” Caine asked.
“One way would simply be to try them both on different occasions and see which works better,” Jerry replied. “The other option would be just to ask. I don’t know how much experience Norah has had in the past with this sort of thing, but in my experience, a lot of people who are looking for this type of relationship are pretty self-aware about what they want and need, especially if it’s something they’ve been thinking about or looking for a long time.”
Corbin's Bend Homecoming Page 13
