Quincy sat back in her chair. “So it’s like that, is it?” She picked up her cup and drank deeply, eyeing Norah over the rim of her cup.
“Like what?” Norah questioned.
“You love him,” Quincy said.
Norah stared at her. Had she said that? She must have. As much of a romantic as Quincy was, that wasn’t the kind of thing she would say out of the blue. Was it true? Somewhere along the way had she fallen in love with Caine? Oh God, she had. That wasn’t supposed to happen. This was just supposed to be about exploring mutual attraction, trying things out, seeing if they could even make a relationship work. She wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him.
“Do you love him?” Quincy asked again.
Norah nodded. “I do,” she admitted quietly.
“So how are you going to work this out?” Quincy wondered.
“Caine is trying really hard,” Norah said. “He is my HOH. He’s incredibly protective. He takes care of me, and he does discipline. He just can’t spank.”
“Why not?” Quincy wanted to know. “If it’s just a matter of him being apprehensive about it, that’s easy enough to fix. Any of the men around here could teach him. Brent’s been known to give lessons.”
“Caine would never agree to that,” Norah said. She wished it was something that could be fixed, but she knew better. She’d seen the nightmares and knew he had scars that went far deeper than the kind of apprehension that lessons could fix.
“It doesn’t have to be Brent,” Quincy went on. “There are any number of men who I’m sure would be willing to teach him. Who is he friends with?”
“He is closest to Jerry and Benjamin, I think,” Norah said, “but that’s not the problem.”
“That’s perfect,” Quincy said, going on as though Norah had never spoken. “Benjamin and Jonathon have been together forever. I’m sure Benjamin could teach him. He may not give formal lessons like Brent does, but he’s clearly experienced. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t,” Norah agreed, “but that’s not the problem. It’s not just a matter of not knowing how. I wish it were that simple.”
“Well, what is it then?” Quincy wanted to know.
Norah bit her lip, hesitating. It really wasn’t her story to tell. It had clearly pained Caine to even tell her. The things he had told her had been in confidence, and she knew he would not appreciate her repeating them. At the same time, she needed to make Quincy understand. She had to convince her it wasn’t such a simple matter. “Caine was abused as a child,” she said finally. “He can’t bring himself to lay a hand on me because of what he went through. It reminds him too much of his grandfather beating him.”
Quincy was quiet for a long moment. “That’s horrible. No one should ever have to go through that, but honey it’s not the same.”
“I know,” Norah told her. “We talked about that, more than once. It’s too much for him though.”
Quincy nodded. “I can see how it would be, but, honey, what about you?”
“What about me?” Norah asked. “We’re doing the best we can to compromise. After what he went through, what right do I have to ask him for more?”
“And that’s enough for you?” Quincy pressed. “You know I love to match make, and you know I was one encouraging the two of you to get together. There’s nothing I would like better than to see you get your happily ever after. Even so, I worry about you sacrificing that much. However Caine feels about spanking, it’s not going to make your need go away. Trust me, I know what it’s like to need it and live without it. You need to make very sure you’re prepared to do that.”
“I thought about it a lot,” Norah assured her. “We’re still working out how to make this work, but we’re working on it. We’ll be fine.”
Despite her assurances to Quincy, Norah wasn’t at all sure that things would be fine. She certainly didn’t feel fine. The restless irritable feeling didn’t go away throughout the afternoon or into the evening. If anything, it got worse.
By the time Caine stopped working in the shop and came upstairs, Norah felt like her head might explode. She was banging around in the kitchen when he came through the door. Maeve had long since given her a wide berth and taken off for safer territory hiding under the bed. Maverick bounded into the kitchen, eager for attention, bouncing around her in ecstatic circles that nearly knocked her over. “Get off, Mav,” she said irritably, pushing him away, “go away.” Maverick whined, looking up at her with wide confused eyes. Norah sighed. “Don’t start,” she told him. “Just because I don’t want you jumping all over me doesn’t make me an ogre.” She gave him a conciliatory pat on the head and slicked her fingers over his ears. “Okay okay, I petted you, now leave me be.” Maverick plopped down on his butt by her side and refused to move. Norah sighed again. “Come on, I like you, but I don’t need a shadow today. Go get on your rug.”
Caine, coming in from behind her, clicked his fingers. “Maverick, rug,” he said firmly, pointing in the direction of Maverick’s designated rug. Maverick gave them both an extremely wounded look but obeyed, settling on his rug and dropping his head on his paws. Sidling up behind Norah, Caine dropped his hands on her shoulders and rubbed gently. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Norah replied, twisting away. She knew he was trying to be comforting, but today it scraped on her raw nerves like sandpaper
Cane leaned against the counter, arms crossed. “Nope, not buying it. Something’s bothering you. Talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Norah snapped. She couldn’t have explained it if she’d had to. Quincy had known what was going on. That had made it possible to talk about, just barely. Trying to put it into words when she was barely holding on herself was impossible.
“Don’t give me that,” Caine told her. “Something is clearly bothering you. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Nothing is going on,” Norah bit out. “Just please leave me alone. I can’t deal with you all up under me right now.”
“Are you telling me you want me to leave?” Caine asked.
“Yes, no, of course not,” Norah stammered, struggling to get a hold of herself. “Just go watch TV or something.”
“Fine,” Caine said, retreating in the direction of the living room.
Even as he walked away, Norah wilted. He wasn’t supposed to go away. Sure, she had told him to, but he wasn’t supposed to buy that. He was supposed to be firm. He was supposed to insist that she talk, even if he had to spank it out of her. Only she knew Caine would never do that. He wouldn’t spank her. He couldn’t. She understood that. She had just spent the afternoon explaining that to Quincy, hadn’t she? It was ridiculous to expect him to do something she knew he couldn’t do, but she wanted it all the same. Besides, even if he couldn’t spank her, he could do something. He wasn’t supposed to just walk away no matter what she said. He was supposed to take charge, dammit.
In the distance, she heard the TV click on. Apparently, Caine had taken her suggestion. Somehow that frustrated her even more. That wasn’t really what she wanted. He was supposed to know that. She opened the refrigerator and stared blankly at it. Somehow, making even the simple decision of what to cook for dinner was just too much. Her brain just would not compute. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. All at the same time. She slammed the refrigerator door closed. He was supposed to make it better not just let it go.
Norah braced her hands on the counter, fighting tears. The worst part was she knew if she could just walk in the living room and explain to Caine what she needed, he would do his best to help. He couldn’t give her what she really needed, but he would try. If she could just say it, but the feelings were too jumbled. The words were a logjam in her throat. He was supposed to know.
As if conjured by her thoughts, Caine reappeared behind her. He laid a hand on her back and rubbed gently. Norah flinched away. “Go away,” she said irritably.
“No, I don’t think so,” Caine said. “In fact, I think you need some help calming down. I think you should go and find a corner.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she told him, even as a part of her was sighing in relief. “I don’t have time for this now. I’ve got to do something about dinner. We have to eat.”
“It will keep,” Caine countered. With a hand at her back, he turned around and guided her through the kitchen and into the open space in front of the laundry room, planting her in front of an empty corner there. “You stand here and work on calming down. I’ll let you know when you’re done.”
“What about dinner?” she protested.
Caine cupped a hand at the back of her neck, rubbing a thumb over the taut muscles. “Hush.”
“It’s not going to make itself,” she muttered.
“Hush,” he said again, bracing his arms on the walls on either side of her, fencing her in.
Rather than being constraining, which by all rights it should’ve been, that was absurdly comforting. Norah was acutely aware of something deep inside of her saying Thank God. At the same time, she couldn’t help but be just a little disappointed. This was what he was supposed to do. This was how he was supposed to react, except for one thing. It would’ve been so much better if she were standing here with her bottom stinging from his hand.
Norah let her head drop forward and her eyes closed. Caine apparently took this as a sign that she was calm enough to be left alone because he withdrew his arms and stepped away, crossing back into the kitchen and rummaging through the refrigerator. This left Norah feeling strangely alone and bereft. What little sense of calm she had managed to regain in those few moments fled. The sense of restlessness welled back up inside her like a crashing wave. She brought her arms up and crossed them over her chest, desperate to do something to relieve the feeling. It became almost impossible not to fidget. She began shifting back and forth from foot to foot.
“Be still,” Caine ordered sternly without even bothering to turn around.
“I can’t,” she snapped.
“Yes, you can,” Caine insisted.
“No, I really can’t,” Norah said in a small tremulous voice, absurdly close to tears. “This isn’t helping. It’s making things worse.” It was. She wasn’t entirely sure why. Corner time usually helped. Caine was right about that. However, today it wasn’t helping at all.
Caine abandoned his search through the kitchen and came to her, but she was already crying by the time he reached her. “Hey,” he said quietly. “There’s no need for all that. We can fix this.” He put an arm around her shoulders, leading her away from the corner and into the living room. Taking a seat on the sofa, he pulled her down beside him, drawing her close to his side.
“No we can’t,” she told him, doing her best to swallow the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her.
“How do you know that?” Caine asked. “You haven’t even let me try. You’re going to have to talk to me, sweetheart. I can’t even try to fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“It’s not something you can fix,” she insisted. Except that he could, if he would. He could turn her over his knee right now and spank her until it all went away. It wasn’t fair and she knew it. She knew there were good reasons why he couldn’t, but God help her she wanted him to. No, she needed him to. Quincy was right. Sometimes, she honestly truly needed a spanking, and this was one of them.
“Why not?” Caine asked. He was genuinely confused. She could hear it in his voice and somehow that just added to the whole welling mess of pain and frustration inside her. This was the problem. He just didn’t get it. He truly didn’t get how DD relationships worked. He tried. He tried so hard, and she loved him for it, but it was time to face reality. That wasn’t enough. Quincy was right about that. She couldn’t bury this need within herself anymore. After John died, she had sworn never to bury it again. That had been the whole point of moving to Corbin’s Bend yet she had managed to do it anyway. She’d convinced herself that loving him would be enough, that compromise would be enough, but it wasn’t. As much as she desperately wanted to believe that love conquered everything, she knew better. All the love in the world didn’t stop John from being killed, and it wasn’t going to make Caine an HOH. He just wasn’t wired the way she was, and that wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help being vanilla anymore than she could help being a spanko.
“Because you won’t spank me,” she told him, tears starting to run despite her efforts. “Because when I feel like this and act like this, you’re supposed to turn me over your knee and spank it out of me, not walk away and leave me alone.”
“I’m sorry I walked away. I was trying to take care of dinner,” he said quietly. “As for spanking you, you know I can’t, and you know why, but I’ll do anything else I can to help you. We’ll work it out.”
Every word lanced through her like a laser. His kindness cut deeper than any knife. He didn’t understand. There was no working this out. She took several deep breaths and forced herself to get her emotions under control. “You can’t fix this,” she said again. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never meant to lead you on. I honestly thought you taking charge would be enough. I really thought as long as we had the other consequences it would be okay, but it’s not. It’s not enough. I wish it were. You have no idea what I would give for it to be enough, but the fact is sometimes I need to be spanked. I denied that about myself for years. John never knew, and as much as I loved him, he would have never understood. I knew that so I hid it. When I moved out here, I swore I would never do that to myself again. I swore I would be honest about myself and my needs, but I haven’t been. For weeks now, I’ve known what I really needed but I’ve been denying it in the name of compromising with you. I can’t do that anymore.”
“You know I can’t do what you’re asking me,” Caine replied. “Every cell of my body wants to tell you that it will be okay, and I can give you what you need, but even the thought of putting my hands on you that way makes my blood run cold. I can’t, cher. I just can’t.”
“I know,” Norah said softly, swallowing hard against the flood of emotion that threatened to choke her.
“So what now?” Caine asked, looking nearly as bereft as she felt.
Norah took a deep breath and forced out the last words she wanted to say. “I think it’s time we admit the obvious and deal with what is instead of what we wish it were. This isn’t working, and it’s not going to. It was a fool’s errand from the beginning. I need the kind of lifestyle we live here in Corbin’s Bend, and you can never do that. It’s time we stop fooling ourselves and deal with reality.”
If that’s how you feel, I don’t have much choice, do I?” Caine said.
“Neither of us do.” Norah said quietly. “I think it’s best if you go.”
Caine was already on his feet. “If that’s what you want.”
It was the last thing in the world that Norah wanted, but she forced herself to nod.
Caine gave her a short sharp nod in return, clicked his fingers to the dog, and disappeared down the stairs.
Norah sat frozen until she heard the door close behind him downstairs. Then, and only then, did she allow herself to dissolve into tears, sobbing like she hadn’t done since those first desperate days after John’s death.
Caine had no real recollection of how he made it down the stairs and into his truck. It was as if he had suddenly been thrown into one of those old black and white Twilight Zone episodes that used to come on television late at night when he was a kid. What the hell had just happened? One minute he was rummaging in the refrigerator looking for dinner and the next Norah was breaking up with him. Where had that come from? He’d thought they were happy. He was happier than he had been in a long time. At least he had been until Norah ripped his heart out. He hadn’t even managed to make it out of the parking lot yet and already he felt the loss acutely, like a ragged wound in his chest.
Forcing himself to move, he d
rove away, turning aimlessly onto Main Street. If he wasn’t staying with Norah, he should probably head home. Except his apartment in Denver no longer felt like home. He’d been practically living with Norah for weeks now. He crashed at her place most nights because it was easier than driving back and forth every day when he was working here. Hell, he’d been thinking of formally applying to the community so they could move in together permanently. He supposed that was out of the question now.
Wait a minute. What was he thinking? He couldn’t just walk away with his tail between his legs. He had to find some way to fix this. That was his job. That was exactly what Norah had said to him. She needed him to fix it, to help find some way for her to feel better. The question was how could he possibly do that?
On the one hand, the answer was obvious. He could go back and do just what she had asked him to do. He had spanked her before. Sure, it had been a few times during sex and little more than a bit of slap and tickle, but he knew the procedure well enough
Except he knew that wasn’t the kind of spanking she needed. She needed it to be real, the kind that really, actually hurt. The thought of hurting her, even knowing it was what she wanted, had him breaking out into a cold sweat. He very nearly had to pull the truck over before he lost his lunch. He couldn’t do it. He wished he could. God knew he did. Gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white, he cursed Ruben to the depths of hell and beyond. Damn his black soul. The old bastard had been dead for more than a decade, and yet was somehow still managing to ruin Caine’s life. Norah was right. He couldn’t ever be the kind of man she needed. Dammit. He had loved two women in his life, and Ruben had managed to take them both away. First Mamere when the strain of living with him had driven her into the grave, and now there was Norah, and even from beyond the grave the old man had managed to take her away too by leaving scars on his soul too deep to let him be the man she needed him to be.
Corbin's Bend Homecoming Page 18
