Just her mention of the hockey team put a smile on my face.
“Perks of being a short girl.” I say.
“Ugh, sometimes it really is wonderful.”
“So Logan will be tonight’s ‘he who must not be named’. Let me just put on pajamas.”
“Good. And then you can tell me where you were and stop keeping yourself so locked up. Don’t make me go all Alohomora on you. I’ll go get my wand right now.”
“Okay, okay!” I yell from my room as I pull on my yoga pants and my giant Winter Park University tee-shirt. Out of habit, and possibly hope, I grab my phone from my bag and go into the living room, taking my seat on the couch next to her.
“I went to the ice rink.”
“Did you have an anxiety attack?”
“Yea.”
“Do you know what caused it?”
Do I tell her? Do I finally allow myself to open up? Maybe a little?
“It’s nothing. I just needed to get out.”
“I don’t buy it, and I’m offended you’re lying straight to my face.”
Now or never Elli. Baby steps. Maybe you’ll feel better if someone knows. I look down and see my thumbs are completely torn apart. Damn nervous habit. But the pain it causes brings relief, and i never had it in me to stop. Seeing the blood stain I have yet to clean off since Dylan pointed it out, a little piece of me cracks.
“Well, my dad called. He’s a little hard on me. My weight and all.”
“Elli, a little?! There’s got to be more. He gets to your head. You’ve lost so much weight since you’ve been here and you don’t even realize it. I never see you eat anything besides freaking chicken. What’s it all about?”
Biting the inside of my mouth, I think over what she’s saying. This is just all so confusing.
“I don’t know Tegan.”
“Elli, you need to be honest with me here. You don’t make yourself sick do you?"
“No, well, I haven’t in a while.”
There it is. The door has been cracked open. It’s not my secret anymore. Completely unexpected. Before I know it, I feel tears start streaming down my face, and as soon as they do, Tegan’s arms are around me. This was a breaking point. It just happened. I don’t know what snapped, but it did. Dammit. I really didn’t want to admit to this. I just wanted to escape my past. I just want better. My sobs start ripping through my chest, and I admit that I have never allowed myself to cry in front of anyone.
Anyone. Ever.
“Dammit Elli. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’ve never told anyone.”
Baby steps Elli. Baby steps. Deep breaths. As my heartbeat starts to slow down, Tegan lets go of me and looks me in the eyes.
“Elli, when did it start?”
“My junior year of high school is when I started making myself sick. But I’ve been dealing with my weight for as long as I can remember. I swear though, I haven’t made myself sick since I moved here.”
“But you still have the urge to do it, don’t you.”
It’s not a question. She states it as a fact. Silently, I nod my head.
“Elli, I’m going to help get you through this. But you can’t be closed off anymore, okay?”
How did I get so lucky to get a best friend like Tegan? She grabs the blanket at the end of the couch, and we curl up, laying our heads on each other, as she presses play to start Harry Potter. I love how she’s not pushing me to talk any further. It’s like she knows I can’t handle opening that door anymore. Wasn’t I supposed to be the one comforting her tonight?
“You still haven’t told me about the guy you were with.” And just like that, we're back to normal. With a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
“Wait, how did you know?!”
“I'm psychic. And your phone just went off with a text from someone named ‘Mr.Hockey’. So spill.”
My heart starts racing, in a good way, and I grab my phone to see that she’s right. And he did really text me. What a delightful change in the conversation.
“He walked in while I was skating tonight. Scared me half to death I might add. Then he started skating with me and we talked for a little bit before he walked me out to my car when you called. He overheard our conversation and said to tell you Logan is a player and to stay away from him.”
“WOAH! Wait a second! ELLI! You got his number! This is huge! No way am I believing this right now. Miss ‘my only other friends besides Tegan are fictional’ What’s his name?!”
“Dylan”
“Dylan? As in Dylan Rath? Captain of the Wolves Hockey team?”
“That’s the one.”
“ELLI! He’s hot! Score! I’m so happy for you! What’d he say?!”
“Woahh there. Slow down skippy! Its just a text!”
“Whatever! What did he say?!”
Opening up the text, it’s a picture of a large salt container and underneath he wrote ‘for next time’. A giant smile covers my face and Tegan looks over at the cause of joy running through my veins.
“Salt? What the hell? Y’all are weird.”
Sending back a reply I type ‘I can’t wait’, and not even a minute later, my phone goes off with another text from him.
Mr.Hockey: Me either. How’s your friend?
Tegan is still looking over my shoulder as she slaps my arm out of excitement.
Me: She’s better, thanks. She said she wished she took our advice sooner lol
“Liar!” Tegan yells next to me.
“Hey you know you were thinking it!”
“Yea you’re right…”
Mr. Hockey: Logan’s an ass. What movie you guys watching?
Me: Harry Potter. It’s our go-to.
Mr. Hockey: Who’s your favorite character?
Me: Harry Potter fan?
Mr. Hockey: Pshhh. That’s like asking if Harry Potter is the chosen one.
Tegan excitedly squeals next to me. “Marry this man Elli! He’s like your soul mate.”
“Tegan!"
“What? It’s super obvious. And he’s hot.”
Yea, and extremely nice, and funny.
Me: Well ok then! Hands down Fred and George. Yours?
Mr. Hockey: Easy. Neville. Always root for the underdog.
Me: Gotta love Neville!
Mr. Hockey: Have you ever been to the Harry Potter park in Universal?
Me: No! I want to go so bad! Have you?
Mr. Hockey: Nope. It looks awesome. Maybe we can go one day when you don’t have class.
“I’m coming too! I don’t care if I’m third wheeling, I‘ve always wanted to go!”
“Tegan, these are just words. They don’t mean it’s actually going to happen!”
“Shut up and tell him yes!”
Me: I’d love too.
Mr. Hockey: I’m holding you to that!
Me: I’d never pass that up!
Mr. Hockey: Do you have class tomorrow?
"Woah, he wastes no time! That’s a good sign!”
“Tegan what do I say?!”
"Tell him you don’t! Our next class doesn’t start until Monday, and then we won’t have any free time for like a month!”
Me: Nope, no class. They’re giving us a breather before we start our next hell month.
Mr. Hockey: I have a game tomorrow. You want to come? Maybe catch a bite to eat after? You can bring your friend if you want.
I look over to Tegan and she’s violently shaking her head. “Okay, okay! relax!”
Me: I don’t know. There might be a huge party going on. Can’t pass that up you know.
All of a sudden pain erupts on my arm from Tegan slapping me.
“Owwww! What the hell Tegan?!”
“Don’t play hard to get! Tell him yes!”
Mr. Hockey: A party, huh? Is this your way of saying you’re not interested?;P
Me: Lol we’ll be there:D
Mr. Hockey: Good! I’ll be looking for you in the stands. Night Elli.
Me: Night Mr. Hockey
Out of no where, a pillow hits my stomach as Tegan is jumping up and down on the couch chanting ‘Elli and Dylan sitting in a tree! K, I, S, S, I , N ,G. First comes love, then comes marriage…"
Before she can even finish I throw a pillow at her face and she ducks while making kissy faces at me.
“Oh, shut up and watch the movie with me.”
“You’re excited! Just admit it.”
“Yea, I am. But Tegan I’m not his type. Guys like him go for the super skinny girls. Like you.”
“Elli, don’t psych yourself out! Any guy who’s not into you is crazy. You’re beautiful, and smart and funny. You have killer curves and boobs. You’re set for life.”
“Ughhh, please, lets not talk about my boobs. They’re a pain in the butt. And mostly my back.”
“If you got ’em flaunt em’!”
“I’ve been talking to my mom about the reduction surgery that my cousin had. I got approved by the doctor. I just need to wait for a break to go do it.”
“Elli are you sure you want to do that? You’re big chested, but make sure you’re doing it because you want to!”
“Yea, this one’s on me. My back is killing me, and I’m sick of wearing 3 bras.”
“What the hell Elli! You wear 3 bras? Since when?!”
“Middle school.”
“Geez. Why don’t you schedule it for winter break? That’s in a few months!”
“Yea that’s a good idea. My mom wants to fly down and be here when I get it so I’ll call her and talk about it.”
We fall back onto the couch and relax while we watch Harry and Ron break into the Chamber of Secrets. And I feel like I just opened my chamber of secrets too.
“Elli’s got a boyfriend, Elli’s got a boyfriend.”
“Tegannnnnnnnn!”
“Okay, okay! But what are we wearing to the game?!”
CHAPTER 8
Elli
Turn left, right. Don’t stop, keep going. You want to die?
“Elli! Elli wake up! Elli!”
Jumping up with extreme pain ripping through my chest, I look around and see a frightened Tegan. We must have fallen asleep on the couch.
“Tegan, what? What’s wrong?”
“Me?! YOU were having a nightmare!”
Rubbing my eyes, as Tegan looks at me with worry, I recall the nightmare I haven’t had in months.
“Do you get those a lot?” she asks.
“I haven’t gotten one in a while. It’s always the same one though. What time is it?”
“Five.”
I moan in the pillow as I lie back down.
“Start talking Elli.”
“I don’t really know how..."
Cutting me off, Tegan says “Try.”
“It’s stupid. You can’t make fun.”
“I promise I won’t.”
“I don’t know. I’m in my house and out of no where it turns into the jungle and I’m running from dinosaurs. Everybody else is already safe upstairs in some random building and they’re all looking down on me. I can’t see who’s in there, but all I know is no one is helping me and I just continue to run and get chased until I wake up."
Tegan looks like she’s thinking this over and finally comes to a conclusion.
“Elli, you’re scared to let people in. You think nobody is going to be there for you. I have no idea where the hell the dinosaurs came from, but all the other stuff is extremely symbolic.”
I just shake my head. There’s nothing to say. She’s right.
“I just don’t know what caused it to happen tonight.”
“It could be Dylan.”
I look up to her face and realize she’s right.
“But why?” I ask.
"Elli, all you do is go to school, work and go to the gym. The fact that you're letting someone else besides me into your world makes you scared. You haven’t really been living. You're just going through everyday, just to make it to the next one."
Looking at me with sadness, I wonder if I’m revealing too much. I don’t want her to feel weird around me now.
“Tegan, please don’t treat me any differently.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean don’t look at me like that. I’m not a mental case who needs pity.”
“No, you’re not. You’re a girl who has emotions and feelings and hasn’t had anyone to talk to about them. I can promise you the last thing I’m going to do is treat you like someone who is broken. But I’m sure as hell going to help put you back together.”
I slowly nod my head and throw my arms around her.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me Elli. That’s what a best friend is for. Now lets catch some sleep so we don’t have bags under our eyes all day.”
Wiping a stray tear from my eye, I agree and we stay on the couch and fall asleep again.
A few hours later we’re up and decide to stay in our pajamas all day until we go to the game. I called my brother and told him I was going and he said when he comes down and visits he wants me to take him to one. Tegan decided to make egg white omelets for breakfast. I love how she’s not forcing me to eat anything and she’s sticking with our healthy diet.
I’m not thinking too much about my nightmare. I’m now wondering if it was a good idea to open up to Tegan about all my issues. I know in the long run it was, but staying quiet for so long just makes me hesitant on who to let in. Which is why it’s totally crazy that I’m going to the game tonight. I wouldn’t be going if Tegan wasn’t coming with me. I couldn't go through that alone in case anything happened. An ice rink is like my home away from home and I feel comfortable there which helps a lot, but still, these aren’t my brother and his friends. I’m excited to go though. I haven’t been to a game since I got to college.
After taking it easy all day, Tegan and I decide to get ready and as I’m in the shower, I hear her in my closet, probably picking out an outfit for me to wear.
“Elli, do you have anything that actually fits you? And By fits you I mean isn’t two sizes too big?”
“Ummm.”
“That’s it! We're going shopping tomorrow.”
“Ughhh I hate shopping Tegan!”
“No, you hate the way you think you look. You have a killer body El. Yea, you don’t strut around in a bikini, but that's not your style. Stop hiding behind giant tees and sweatshirts.”
“Okay, okay. But what am I going to wear tonight?”
“Hmm, you have skinny jeans right?”
“Yea, in the back of my closet. But last time I checked they don’t fit.”
“I’ll be the judge of that. Put them on.”
Taking the jeans she dug out of my closet, I put them on while I keep my towel fully in tact around me. My jeans go up without having to do that little dance to get into them, and I’m surprised when there is even a little room to spare.
“Perfect! Elli, when was the last time you tried these on?”
“I don’t know. I kind of forgot they were in there until you mentioned it.”
“Then it’s settled. You’ll wear these jeans, your black boots and your black v-neck. I want you to be comfortable.”
“Can I at least bring a zip up? It is an ice rink.”
“Why don’t we run past the school store and we can both get Wolves sweatshirts. We can match!”
Laughing to myself, I agree and I wait for her to get ready as I do my hair. I don’t wear makeup, but I throw a tiny bit of cover up on to make it feel like I actually did something. I spray a tiny bit of perfume on my wrists, and take an extra second to look down at my hands. My fingers in particular. They’re horrid. I can’t help that I pick my skin until I bleed. Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it. How can you stop something you don’t realize you’re doing?
Just then, Tegan appears in the doorway. “Ready?!”
“Yep.”
“I’ll drive!”
Just like that we’re off, making a pit stop
to buy Wolves hoodies. They’re Dark Blue, and in the middle is the Wolves logo. A wolf, baring its teeth, ripping out of a net, and underneath it says Winter Park Wolves. Tegan grabs the zip up, and I get the pullover. We leave the store and make our way over the the rink. As we find some empty spots on the bleachers, the rink starts filling up with students, faculty and families of the players who live local.
Then the teams come out for warmups. I spot him as soon as he gets on the ice. Wearing the captain's jersey, Rath, #8. When he looks up to the stands, he scans the crowd until he finds me, and smiles. He points to his chest, and tugs at his jersey, and then points to me. I guess he likes my hoodie. Just then I realize Tegan is too quiet, and I look over to see her watching me very intently.
“Just saying, the sweatshirts were my idea.”
“Have I thanked you for that yet?”
“Nope, but I’m guessing by the end of the night you will be.”
CHAPTER 9
Dylan
Don't blink they won't even miss you at all,
And don't think that I'll always be gone,
You know I've got you like a puppet in the palm of my hand,
Thin Ice Page 4
