by Jessie Olson
“Yes, it does,” Lizzie looked down. She was doing a great job towards retaining his interest and sympathy. “That isn’t my only indiscretion. There have been a lot of indiscretions…” Lizzie faded off and found a question forming in her mind. Maybe she would ask it to cut to the chase and end it before her hopes got the better of her. “You know that I’m promiscuous. Is that why you are here?”
“What?” Ben shook his head as he switched lanes.
“Are you just taking me out tonight so you can get laid?”
“Well, I’m not going to deny that I have hopes for the end of this evening. I enjoy being with you, Elizabeth. In your bed. And sitting in this car right now. I …” he faded his conversation off to another gaze. “I think you are beautiful and funny and smart. I think you are good. We all make mistakes. We all do things to hurt other people – most often because we feel hurt. I certainly can’t point my finger at you. I don’t think less of you for what you’ve done. I don’t think any less of your ultimate goodness. You spend every day helping to raise money for a hospital. You are a devoted friend. You show appreciation to those who help you... and you obviously care enough to let it bother you enough to confess it to me.”
Lizzie looked at Ben, who kept his gaze at the left lane of the highway. She felt the anger and apprehension she had about his character dissolve. “You really think I’m good?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Even when half of the time we’ve spent together has been in a bedroom?” Lizzie couldn’t believe she said it.
“You are good in the bedroom,” he turned his attention away from the road long enough to smile. Lizzie met his smile and breathed in deeply and confidently. He looked back to the road, still grinning mischievously.
She let silence slip into the car between the next two exits. It wasn’t that uncomfortable silence of uncertainty. It was a mutual comfort with one another’s company. Like she had known him for a long time and such silences were perfectly acceptable parts of the routine. She had known him for a long while, much longer than she knew Nora and Meg. And yet there was still so much mystery.
“I don’t remember you being an athlete,” she broke the silence after fifteen minutes. Her thoughts didn’t venture far from his last comment.
“In high school? I wasn’t,” he laughed.
“But… you look like an athlete. Even in the yearbook pictures, you have the same… well I didn’t really notice it then. But…”
“You were looking at our yearbook?”
“A few months back – at Sara’s… she had an awful spiral perm. I was really unattractive,” Lizzie wanted to eat her words again, wondering if she hit a sore spot with mention of Sara.
“You weren’t unattractive,” he answered without a pause at Sara’s name.
“Your hair was longer… but not much else,” Lizzie looked at him without fear. “But I don’t remember you being athletic.”
“I told you, I wasn’t.”
“Then where does the muscle come from? Heavy duty mouse clicking?”
“We did a lot of work around the house back then. I guess that’s…” he let his eyes look at her and then back to the road. “Now I go to the gym.”
“That’s not fair. I work so hard to …”
“Females have to work harder.”
“I know a few men who would hate you, too.”
“They probably have a better appreciation for beer than I do,” Ben started switching lanes towards the exit. “You don’t hate me?”
“I’ve thought about it,” Lizzie said lightly, albeit very honestly.
“You like running though,” he showed a little confusion.
“I do. It took me a while, but once I discovered that runner’s high, it got a whole lot easier to drag myself out of bed every morning.”
“Endorphins,” Ben smiled a different grin.
“You’re not an athlete and you grin over endorphins?”
“I wouldn’t know what to do with a baseball if it was flying straight toward me.”
“Your brother was on the baseball team, wasn’t he?”
“Oliver?”
“Yeah, I thought I remember that… or maybe that was someone else’s brother.”
“I don’t think Oliver played sports either.”
“Too busy working around the house?”
“I guess so. I don’t remember,” he turned off the ramp onto the main road.
“It’s just after the next light,” Lizzie offered. “Not a bad place. Pretty decent crowds – and far enough from the colleges so it isn’t a bunch of frat boys.”
Ben followed her directions and parked the car in front of the restaurant. Lizzie decided to put her sweater on when she got out of the car. She felt an arm around her waist turn her. Ben pulled her close and kissed her suddenly and passionately. Lizzie had to pull herself back to get some air. “We have to go in,” she looked away from his eyes so he wouldn’t continue and tempt her to go back into the car. He slipped his arm around her back and led her into the restaurant.
*****
“So what gives, Lizzie? Are you dating Ben?” Jack muttered the moment Ben got up to buy the next round.
“I don’t know,” Lizzie saw Ben’s gaze as he waited for the bartender. “I don’t know what’s happening.”
“He’s cute,” Jen smiled. “Jack said he’s an engineer or something.”
“Computers,” Lizzie forced herself to look at Jen.
“Isn’t he the one that followed Sara around all the time?” Jen asked. “I always imagined some nerdy, scrawny kid with broken glasses.”
“He wasn’t scrawny. And I think I wore the broken glasses,” Lizzie laughed. “Besides, everyone liked Sara. Even this one.”
Jack finished his glass of whiskey. “I was 14 and hormonal.”
“It’s okay, Jack,” Jen laughed. “I liked Drew Armstrong. He was a beautiful boy, but cocky as shit. Turned out he was gay.”
“I’ve often wondered if Sara was a repressed lesbian,” Lizzie said flippantly. “It might explain all the Jesus love.”
“Don’t give him any ideas, Lizzie. You know he’s imagining very bad things right now,” Jen laughed.
“It might give you something to look forward to,” Jack pinched his wife’s side.
“Isn’t your break over?” Jen sniveled and then kissed him on the lips. Lizzie glanced back up at Ben’s constant gaze. She felt her own smile creep across her cheeks.
“I’m going to hit the loo before you start,” Lizzie excused herself, but Jen decided to follow her.
“He is really nice, Lizzie,” Jen stood over the sink in the bathroom, dodging the crowded line behind them. “It’s obvious he is really into you.”
“You think?”
“Yeah… you don’t?”
“I… we’ve had a couple great nights. Then weeks go by without… anything.”
“I imagine he’s a little scared. If he was in love with your best friend as a teenager that might bring some stuff up.”
“Great,” Lizzie peered into the reflection of the mirror. “I don’t want… I don’t want to be his choice because he’s been carrying a torch for Sara all these years.”
“I don’t think that’s the case,” Jen looked at her own reflection. “Didn’t you like someone in high school?”
“Yeah… but I never really thought I had a chance. You know, Jen. I have a self-defeating attitude towards men. I don’t ever pick the ones who like me back as much as I like them.”
“I think he likes you back, Lizzie,” Jen sighed. “Maybe you are the one who is still hung up on Sara.”
“I didn’t say she was a lesbian because I had a crush on her.”
“No… but you were in her shadow. Her pretty, perfect shadow. That’s a tough shadow to leave. Even after running for two years.”
“I’ve been in a lot of those shadows.”
“Did you ever think that maybe he liked you?” Jen turned away from the mirror. “Maybe the Sara t
hing was just an excuse to be around you.”
“Not likely,” Lizzie could still see the reflection of her frumpier self in the mirror.
“Would you have given him the time of day if he did?” Jen had a direct approach much like Nora’s.
“You know what’s funny? I used to be in a club with his brother,” Lizzie remembered the thought as she spoke it. “We had a lot of fun together. Oliver made me laugh. I thought for a little while that he liked me. But he was two years ahead of us… and he had a girlfriend. I decided it was just my imagination.”
“Maybe Oliver paid attention to you because he knew his brother was secretly pining for you,” Jen winked as the bass vibrated through the bathroom door.
“Secretly pining?” Lizzie laughed as they edged towards the door. “For Sara’s less attractive friend?”
“You know Lizzie, you didn’t just suddenly become beautiful,” Jen paused before opening the door. “You lost weight, but you have always had beauty. It’s just when you got thinner, you decided to believe it.”
Lizzie looked at Jen but lacked the wit to retaliate. She pulled open the door and went back out to where Ben was waiting for her.
*****
Lizzie looked down at Ben as her heart rhythm slowed. She breathed in deeply and dropped her chest onto his. She kissed him passionately once more and slid down against the mattress, not removing her glance from the green gray eyes that followed her movement. Her heart was still accelerated and her every nerve enlivened. She felt her limbs itch with the energy to run several miles, but she had no desire to leave the spot where she lay opposite him, staring into those gray green eyes.
He moved a hair that fell from her temple across her nose. The touch of his fingers against her face thrilled her smile to a broader width. She didn’t know when the last time was that she felt so content, so elated, so glad to be in a moment. She wanted to hold onto it… but not by herself. She felt the hope and adrenalin of risk rise to her throat. She kissed him again and narrowed her eyes as she pulled away. “Ben.”
He rested his palm against her scalp and slowly caressed down the length of her hair. “Elizabeth,” the breath of his voice was still close to her lips.
She rolled onto her back to leave the temptation of another kiss and excuse to abandon what she was daring herself to say. “What I said about being good before,” she looked up at the stripes of her blinds silhouetted by the street light. “I was telling the truth. I have been a pretty heartless whore the past several months.”
“Elizabeth,” he said her name again as he draped an affectionate arm across her breasts and rested his chin inside the curve of her shoulder.
“I…” she felt his kiss against her neck. It made her nerves tingle, as though each one were an electric charge. She instinctively arched her head, making it easier for his seduction. He eased his arm back so one palm landed on her exposed breast. Lizzie leaned into him but moved her motivation back into her head. “Ben,” she whispered. He moved away from her neck and lifted his eyes that burned with an intensity she never saw before. He kissed her lips briefly until she closed her mouth and stopped reacting. She lifted her hands and held them against his temples.
“I don’t think you are a whore,” his concentrated stare said with determination.
“I know,” she smoothed along his hair and cupped her hands at the base of his skull. “I know what I did and why I made the choices I made. I was running away from something. From myself. When I’m with you, I’m not running away. I feel like I am running to something I want. I want to be here. I want to be myself here.”
Lizzie took in a deep breath and felt the weight of his hand as her chest rose and fell. She dropped her hands from the back of his head and let him relax back onto his elbow. He moved his hand from her breast and gently traced down the length of her torso with his finger. He stopped at her pelvic bone and retraced his finger back between her breasts, all the way along her neck to the base of her chin. He paused, turning his fiery eyes back to her neck. Then he fell back against the pillow and let silence fill the room.
Lizzie heard a car pass on the street below. She didn’t want to be distracted by the outside world. It was as if the spell were breaking. The longer the pause after her confession, the less warmth she felt inside and out. She didn’t want to lose that warmth. She didn’t want to lose that chance to be with someone now that she had finally decided to be honest. “I want you to stay, Ben,” she made one last attempt. “Stay with me through the morning.”
He shifted his position again and leaned over to kiss her. “I want to stay,” he looked at her. “I want to be the one you run to. I want you, more than you know.”
Lizzie let her next breath plunge all the way to where he dragged his finger. As her chest rose, his palm found her breast again, followed soon after by his mouth. She let the conversation fade as he revitalized the sensation of her nerves and skin. She allowed the hope to enter her mind that he would be there through the morning. That he wanted her more than she knew.
When she woke up the next morning, he was gone.
Chapter Ten
She resisted the crushing sorrow that started to work its way into her mind and strangle the hope that sweetly lulled her to sleep. It was a challenge to distract her thoughts. Meg hadn’t returned from where she disappeared for the evening. Jackie was already out of the house by the time Lizzie brought herself down to the kitchen. Not that Jackie was the company she sought… but any conversation… even an aggravation was better than the empty pillow that haunted her.
She didn’t understand. Why did he say he would stay? She was already lying naked next to him. He could have stayed silent and had the two more hours of sex she gave him readily before falling asleep. She wouldn’t have refused him, even if her heart was disappointed. It wouldn’t have been half so disappointing as the waking.
Lizzie tried to eat some toast, but lost her appetite before swallowing her first bite. She drank some juice before dressing herself for a run. She ran for eight miles, twice her average. Eight miles to lose her mind to the music of her headphones and the determination to each benchmark. Eight miles to avoid going back home to her empty home to figure out what to do next.
The run exhausted her. It was after dawn when she closed her eyes on Ben. It was only two hours later when she opened them and found him gone. She took her water bottle and sat herself on the couch, where she sat mindlessly in front of the television for six straight hours.
She heard the key in the lock, but didn’t bother to prop herself up when she heard footsteps on the stairs. “So, how did it go?” Meg poked her head around the door frame.
Lizzie leaned her head away from the television. She saw the tall frame of Alec shadowing behind Meg and decided a simple answer was best. “It went.”
“We have pizza,” Meg indicated her confusion. “Do you want any?”
“I’m not hungry,” Lizzie muttered, even though her stomach ached and she still felt the drain from her run.
Lizzie didn’t say anything as Meg and Alec brought their pizza and beer into the living room. She didn’t protest when they put in a DVD. She didn’t offer up the couch, forcing them to sit close together on the loveseat. She could have gone upstairs and avoided them. But for some strange reason, she decided to stay there and observe Meg and her boyfriend.
Lizzie had known Alec for three years, but she was still startled at the obvious age difference between him and her friend. It almost made her uncomfortable to see Alec touch Meg with affection. She knew they had sex. She knew that Meg enjoyed the sex. But Alec – mostly because of the aging of his smoking habit – looked old enough to be her father. It didn’t stop the sight of them together from stinging. To see them whisper and laugh together or find some reference Meg could use for her thesis was more than a little irritating.
At some point during the second movie, Lizzie fell asleep. She woke in the darkened living room. Someone slammed the front door and was walking up the stairs
. Lizzie smelled Jackie’s perfume as she looked in to see who was on the couch. Lizzie breathed in slowly, pretending to be asleep. She waited for a quiet half hour until Jackie left the bathroom and closed the door to her bedroom.
Lizzie pried herself off the sofa, her joints stiff from not properly stretching and lying on the couch for so many hours. She went to the kitchen and refilled her water bottle, quickly swallowing it before filling it again. She found a few remaining pieces of Meg’s pizza in the refrigerator. She stood by the window, picking off the anchovies and doing her best to not swallow it in one bite.
There was a full moon. Her silly small talk wasn’t completely off base. Full moons made people do foolish things. Like confess feelings. Or lie about them. Lizzie forced her eyes shut. She didn’t want to hurt like that. Not again. No. This was a lot worse. It was worse because this time she actually believed that it might be.
She heard something drop on the ceiling. Meg and Alec apparently stayed at the apartment… and weren’t asleep. They probably weren’t going to sleep any time soon. That made the idea of going upstairs even less appealing.
Lizzie went back to the couch and altered her position from her thirteen hour sloth. She turned on the television to shield her ears from any reminders of upstairs. She mindlessly surfed through all the channels, finally settling on a documentary about the American Revolution. She drifted in and out of concentration, mixing up the details of the show with her tour at the Fulton house and Meg’s latest thesis description and the echo of Ben’s empty promises. Her semi-conscious wandered to Harriet’s chair and fell against the cushions as someone bit into her neck. She opened her eyes and saw Ben watching from the doorway.
In the quiet of early dawn, she returned to her room and the bed she left untouched since the day before. She ripped up the sheets and removed the smell of him from her pillows and then went back to sleep.
She checked her email after waking in the afternoon. She knew there wouldn’t be anything from Ben, but looked anyway. She logged onto Facebook just to make sure no feed indicated where he went. She knew her phone was somewhere… in a pocket… or her purse. She could check to see if anyone called on Saturday, but the effort to sift through the pile of clothes on her floor was too depressing. She tried to read a book but just drifted back to a vacant stare towards her window. The constant inactivity slowed her mind, allowing the time to pass with surreal speed. There was nothing accomplished as her weekend drew to a close. Merely, she managed to stop thinking.
