by Jessie Olson
It was just before five when she saw the numbers of her clock again. She wanted to stay in her bed but the thoughts irritated her. She turned on her computer so she could play some music and offer her brain a distraction. Her eyes felt heavy but she decided to check messages she neglected from Sunday and Monday. A lot of birthday wishes and pictures from the party.
Lizzie looked at the happy images. It was a really wonderful night, when she realized how lucky she was to have such good friends and such an amazing, thoughtful boyfriend. She let those images warm and divert her. She switched to her wall and read through all the birthday wishes, including one from Oliver.
She went back to his page and clicked on his photographs. There was one of him in an Adidas biking shirt. It showed his tall muscular physique. He was very attractive, much more than Ben. He looked like one of the vampires from Meg’s novels, with his dark thick hair and mischievous dark eyes. Lizzie felt her cheeks burn suddenly as she realized he had features very similar to Will.
She switched immediately over to Ben’s page and looked at his few photos, including the ones Nora tagged from her wedding. Her tired eyes didn’t resist the emotion. He wasn’t as handsome as Oliver or Will. He was strong, but had an average height not much more than her own. His freckles dotted over the bridge of his nose. His reddish brown hair curled slightly but not like a great mane. She loved him. Those green eyes always looked at her with appreciation and concern… and love. She felt the bruises above her elbows, but knew he was trying to protect her at the cost of his own satisfaction. He had wisdom and kindness and a thoughtfulness she thought was imaginary for many years. Why would she let a few historic details allow her to question that? Why did she tempt herself with the doubt of his true feelings? She wasn’t destined to go to California and be with Oliver. She made the choice to be with Ben. She made the choice to go running and seek him along the river to ask him out. She chose to offer her blood when he dared to tell her the truth. She made that choice, knowing what she felt and what she wanted in her heart. As Lizzie Watson. Lily had nothing to do with that. Lily and her heart’s desires were in the past, faded away like the wallpaper in the Fulton House.
Chapter Twenty
Lizzie looked at the display of DVDs, wondering if any would appeal to impulse. She shifted the items in her arms to pick up a copy and read the short description. The words blurred as she caught sight of another customer walking swiftly by. She gasped on a lost breath and mindlessly returned the DVD to the shelf.
The man stopped to pull a CD from the shelf. It was much more vivid in reality than her glance at Facebook pictures. It was as if she was standing a few feet from Oliver in his Adidas biking shirt. “Will,” she was startled by the sound of her voice interrupting her stare.
“Hey Liz,” he turned around slowly. “It’s been ages.”
“A year or two,” Lizzie shook her head, readjusting the package of paper towels and sweater in her hand. She looked at the big package of diapers Will was carrying. “A lot has happened.”
“I’ll say so. A baby boy in June,” he beamed proudly.
“I saw your pictures on Facebook,” Lizzie realized that smile didn’t warm her as it once did. “What’s his name?”
“Brian.”
“You and Lindsey must be happy.”
“Yeah, I think we are. You look great.”
“Thanks,” Lizzie darted her eyes away from his gaze. She felt uncomfortable and guilty acknowledging the admiration she once craved from that face.
“How’s Davis?”
“Pretty good. He and Andrew just got back from P-Town.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry to have missed their last parties.”
“I imagine you’ve been a little occupied,” Lizzie looked towards another customer walking in her direction. She stepped out of his way and closer to Will.
“Indeed,” Will nodded blankly.
Lizzie shifted her paper towels again and mimicked his nod. “Well, maybe we’ll see you at the next party,” she said quickly, stealing one last glance at his dark eyes. It really was uncanny… that two people who never met could look so similar.
“Yeah. Well, it was great to see you,” Will retreated to his original direction.
“Great,” Lizzie accepted the loose embrace he offered before turning away.
Lizzie watched until he disappeared into the crowd by the registers. It wasn’t that long ago… really… when the mere sight of him made her day. When she hung on his every word. When she wished and hoped that he would look at her with the admiration he just did. Only it wasn’t… it was just applause for her achievement. A little lascivious… but nothing… really serious. And she didn’t care. Only she did. Not because it was Will looking at her that way. Because it was like someone else looking at her that way.
Is that why she liked Will? The struggle for their ten or so lines of conversation made her wonder why her heart was so crazy for him. Was it just a resemblance to someone…
“Hey!” Ben came up beside her.
“Hey,” she mouthed, still staring after the shadow of Will.
“Why did you get so many paper towels?” he set down a long heavy box on the floor.
“I need to contribute to my apartment, even if I’m not there all the time,” she shook her head and saw the box. “What is that?”
“Some shelves to put in my closet. To give you some space to leave your things, if you want.”
Lizzie warmed. She wondered if that was just an impulse buy because he agreed to follow her into Target. Or if it was something he had been thinking about for a while.
“Do you want to pick out another design?” he asked when she didn’t respond.
“Weren’t you a carpenter in one of your lives?”
“No,” he laughed as he wrapped his arm around her waist. “Even if I were, I doubt I would have the time… are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lizzie straightened herself. “I just saw… I just saw Will.”
“The guy you had a thing for?”
“Yes,” she looked for any hint of jealousy. What would Ben have said if he saw Will and his resemblance to Oliver? He just looked back at her with those green eyes and a smile itching the sides of his mouth. She shook her head. “I like those shelves. Let’s go.”
“Let’s go,” he repeated and broadened his smile to hide another twitch. Lizzie glanced one more time to see if she would find Will. But he was gone.
*****
“You don’t have to tell me,” Ben said as he came into the kitchen with her dinner.
Lizzie took the plastic bag with the Chinese food. She pulled a plate out of the cupboard and started taking the food from the cartons. She looked at him, knowing perfectly well to what he was referring. She didn’t know if she wanted to answer him. “What would happen if you ate this?” she stared at a stack of plates piled in the open cupboard.
“My digestive system no longer works.”
“Yeah… but I don’t really need to eat this Chinese food to survive. I eat it anyway.”
“You use some of it,” Ben closed cupboard door. She could tell this wasn’t the conversation he wanted to have. “If you go running in the morning, you’ll use more of it.”
“Thanks, Coach,” Lizzie muttered.
“Elizabeth, I didn’t mean anything by that.”
“No,” Lizzie shook her head. “But… what happens if I put this in your mouth? Does it just sit in your body? Have you really NOT eaten for two and a half centuries? Don’t you miss… chewing? Do your teeth even work?”
“The ones that matter do,” Ben said blankly.
Lizzie pulled the beef teriyaki off the skewer. “I would miss food,” she looked at her plate full of greasy vegetables, meats, and noodles. “What do you do for comfort food? Is there a type of blood that is bad for you but just tastes so good?”
“When I ate food, Elizabeth, I ate what the earth provided. I knew many winters with a few salty meats and moldy bread,” he looked at
her. “I never had affection for pizza or ice cream… I never knew.”
“Wow,” Lizzie felt sad and suddenly disinterested in her low mein and appetizer sampler.
“But the smell of bread baking is still… I sometimes get a phantom rumble in my stomach.”
“Food is such an important part of my family,” Lizzie pushed her plate aside. “How do you… do you miss having family?”
“I have you.”
“Yes, but… there will be… at some point if this is really… you will have to meet all the crazy aunts, uncles, and cousins. Oh God,” Lizzie really started to feel her stomach swim and moved away from the kitchen.
“Your parents?”
“My parents,” Lizzie muttered and brought herself to the brown leather chair in the living room. She watched Ben follow her and settle on the couch.
“You aren’t eating?”
“Do you ever wish you had a family, Ben?”
“Do you?”
She met his eyes. “Sometimes,” she cast her eyes down, away from his gaze. “Will had a baby.”
“Oh,” he let out a heavy breath.
“When I had that stupid crush… I used to imagine having a child with him, a little girl with brown curls and green eyes.”
“And now?”
“I don’t want… his child,” Lizzie left the chair, wanting to go back to her Chinese food. “But I don’t know that I don’t want any child… ever.”
“This is an important conversation,” Ben reached his hand in her direction.
“This is surreal,” Lizzie shook her head. “I mean… I’m not going to have this conversation. You don’t need to have children. You are forever young. You don’t need someone to … take care of you when you’re old.”
“But there is more to having children than…”
“What do they say when they start to age passed thirty and it’s evident that you will exist on this planet longer than them?” Lizzie said abruptly, realizing he probably had this debate with himself before… with Maria.
“Do you want children?”
“I want… I want my disgusting dinner,” Lizzie moved towards the doorway.
“Elizabeth,” he followed her.
“Maybe, I don’t know,” she paused. “It doesn’t matter, if in the end, I choose you, does it?”
“It matters if you choose me and decide to give up something that is important to you.”
“Haven’t I already… Ben I chose you,” she sighed, thinking of Lily. She managed to push those thoughts aside for nearly three weeks. She hadn’t forgotten them, but was able to hide them in a neglected corner of her mind. Seeing Will knocked a lot of things out of neglected corners.
*****
Lizzie was lost in the ninth chapter of Tom Jones when Ben startled her from her concentration. “All done?” she watched him turn on the computer.
“Pretty much,” he sat at his desk. “I should get some storage boxes for the things I cleared out of that closet.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“There are clothes that have been in there for decades.”
“Are you going to keep them?” Lizzie was surprised he had any packrat tendencies.
“Maybe not,” he laughed at her reaction. She recognized the hunger behind his amused response. He saw her apprehension and looked at his computer screen.
Lizzie glanced back at her book. She went for a healthy run along the river that morning. She was tired but still felt the invigoration of oxygen coursing through her body. Did it tempt him? It had been ten weeks. They hadn’t spoken of it since the night in her bedroom. She knew he was worried after she cut her hand… but the stitches had long since fallen out. She thought of her Chinese food and all the lipids working through her bloodstream. Maybe the run didn’t matter so much when her blood wasn’t as clean.
She resumed concentration on the book as he read his messages and typed a few things. After she finished the next chapter, she looked up and saw his eyes on her. She saw the burn that excited her hide behind the smile he quickly offered. “I have to run a few errands.” Lizzie knew one of those errands. It was Saturday afternoon. “Do you want anything? I can stop at Starbucks on the way back.”
“No, I went running this morning,” she knew it was wicked to tease him like that. “I don’t need caffeine.”
“Okay,” he got up from the desk and stopped to kiss the top of her head on his way out. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“See you,” she pretended to read, but couldn’t concentrate as the prick of disappointment overcame her. She heard him get his keys and walk through the door. She sat still, staring at page 116 for nearly twenty minutes, wrestling with the logic in her mind. The logic that told her to stop asking Ben every weekend since he held her so tightly above her elbows. She knew it was for her health and safety. She knew exactly what Ben would say if she did ask him.
Lizzie left the book on the couch and went to the computer. The screen saver danced from side to side, never bouncing into a corner. She moved the mouse and returned to his desktop. She opened the internet browser and habitually went into her email. She went up to the address bar to look for her Facebook link and saw a bookmark for cambridgeblood.org. Lizzie took a breath and decided to go to the page. The login screen she found in a Google search months before loaded. Ben’s name was automatically filled in, as well as his encoded password. Lizzie clicked to try it. The screen paused for a few seconds and redirected her to the site.
The home page had several photos of healthy looking individuals representing both genders and a number of ethnicities. She honestly couldn’t tell if they were supposed to be the donor or the vampire. She skimmed quickly over the welcome message. “Since 1948, the Cambridge Blood Clinic has been offering vampire humans a safe alternative for blood acquisition. All of our sources are screened to ensure healthy, relaxing, and satisfactory nourishment. Vampires are carefully matched to sources based on health requirements, preference, and history. To begin your match process, please click here.
“If you are a source, please click here.
Lizzie clicked on the source link and was redirected to a menu. She selected frequently asked questions:
What is the screening process? – The health and safety of vampires is our mission. All sources are required to come in for regular checkups between contributions. You will be tested for drug use, diseases, and cell count. For tips on keeping your blood healthy, please click here. To review the compensation policy, please click here.
Does it hurt? - Most vampire/source transfusions are no different than giving blood to a donor bank. You will feel the prick of a needle and a little swelling after, but no pain. Like donating blood at a hospital, you may feel light-headed. The clinic provides beverages and snacks before you leave.
Will I get bit? – Most sources and vampires exchange through a needle. We have some vampire clients who prefer a traditional method of feeding. You can make the choice on your match questionnaire as to which method you wish to give.
How long does the blood exchange take? – Expect to spend 90 minutes at the clinic for each appointment. This includes a screening, cleaning, transfer, and recovery time. All sources are welcome to stay in the lounge during recovery.
Is this anonymous? – Discretion is important to everyone at the clinic. We guarantee your anonymity. If you wish to use an alias, please click here to have one assigned to you.
Can I become a vampire? – The clinic is strictly a feeding service. We do not condone the transfiguration to vampire.
The last sentence made Lizzie’s heart beat in panic. In spite of a curiosity to go back and click on all those links, she logged off of the site and switched the screen over to Facebook. She knew Ben was gone – and would likely still be gone for another hour or two. She didn’t know why that last question more than any other rattled her. She never thought to ask him that question. She never wanted to ask that question. The fact it was something a source would ask dis
turbed her greatly.
The Facebook homepage showed a series of trivia about which she didn’t care and didn’t want to see. She scrolled all the way down to the end, about to log off when she caught the status update from Oliver – Oliver Cottingham is on sabbatical.
There were close to thirty comments beneath the status. Most of them were students bemoaning the fact that Professor Ol wasn’t teaching for the fall semester. There were one or two colleagues wishing him luck on his research project and travel. Lizzie swallowed hard. Travel? She scanned back up the screen and noticed that Oliver had posted a note with the same title, “Oliver Cottingham is On Sabbatical.”
To My Devoted Students:
It is with great regret that another semester begins at North California College and I shall not be teaching. As many of you know, I have been busy researching the environmental impact of tourism. In cooperation with the Museum of Science and many enthusiastic students, we have been visiting campgrounds and parking lots and amusement parks to measure… well, trash and a lot of, lot of smog. I intend to spend this semester finishing my research in California, as well as comparing results with colleagues in other regions of the country. In the spring, I hope to put all this random information into some form of writing. But, as you can probably tell from this rambling paragraph, that is not my strong suit. I will be back next fall teaching Environ Science 100 – 500 again. Have a great year. And seniors, I’ll see you in May at graduation.
Professor Ol
Lizzie felt really stupid. Really stupid for thinking poorly of Oliver. He had changed. And not just because she knew the story of Lily and his unrequited love for her. She let herself smile fondly as she thought about his care for the planet. That was an impressive and noble pursuit for someone who saw two centuries of Earth’s decline. Almost as impressive as creating a blood clinic.
She clicked out of Facebook and decided to leave his office. Her mind wouldn’t settle back on Fielding. She wanted to look back on the clinic website. She couldn’t… do that to herself. She made herself a turkey sandwich and sat in front of the television, but found that as compelling as the novel. She finished a half of her sandwich and fidgeted about the room. She took another perusal of his movie and music collection. Nothing settled her mind enough to keep her thoughts from the temptation to go back to Ben’s computer.
