by Lara Wynter
It’s Wes’s turn to look flustered. “Do you?”
“I know some of them now.”
Wes lifts one eyebrow. It’s so adorable. “So, you’ve been listening to our stuff?”
I look at the floor. “Sometimes.”
“Hey, I like that you’re not a huge fan. It’s refreshing to talk to someone that doesn’t know all about me already.”
Okay, so I’m definitely not going to tell him about the google search I did a few weeks ago. We follow everyone downstairs to the music studio. Wes sits at the piano bench and pats the seat next to him. I sit beside him, hyperaware of all the places our bodies brush against each other on the narrow bench seat.
Autumn leaves Finn’s side to join Sophie and the other girls on one of the leather sofas. Finn straps on his guitar and gives it a quick tune. “So birthday girl. What do you want us to play for you?”
“How about, When the Stars Fall?”
Finn clutches at his chest comically. “That’s not even one of ours.”
Several of the girls giggle. Sophie pouts. “I know, but it’s amazing. And besides, Finn, I’m sure you could sing it even better than Andy Sherwin.”
The other girls shout out in agreement.
Finn turns our way. “Wes?”
“Yeah, I can play it. Soph has that song on repeat at least once a day at the moment. I swear I could play it in my sleep.”
The girls giggle again. I really like the song. I can’t wait to hear how their version sounds. Wes hits the opening chords on the piano and Finn comes in seamlessly. When they get to the chorus, Wes nudges me, so I join in. I look at Wes beside me. He’s grinning broadly, and it makes me gain more confidence. Finn raises his eyebrows at me as he steps his own performance up a notch. By the time we get to the chorus again, everyone has joined in.
It sounds fantastic, the guy’s loud rock voices and the sweet high sounds of the young teens. This is so fun I wish we could stay here all night.
Chapter 6
Wes
The darkness envelops me as I silently pad down the stairs. I tried to sleep, but all I could think of were the words to the music I wrote before the tour started. After all this time, the words were suddenly there to go with the music. I turn on the lamp, rather than the bright overhead lights, and sit at the piano. This room has been sufficiently soundproofed to ensure it won’t disturb the rest of the household. And I know it works from all the times Finn came down here at odd hours to compose songs for the band. Finn and Autumn decided to stay the night even though they don’t live that far away. They have a room upstairs and are always welcome here.
I had briefly considered waking up Finn to help me work on the song, but I didn’t want to disturb him. Or maybe I’m jealous of the love they’ve found together. At least I haven’t thought about Autumn as more than Finn’s wife lately. Not since she came…Jemma.
My fingers dance lightly over the keys. When I play, the keys just feel like an extension of myself. More than any other instrument, this is the one I love. The feel, the sound, the mood. Here I can be free. I sing, quietly at first, like a lullaby.
One day I opened my door
And there you were, you were there
You came into my life
And somehow I’m changed, I’m changed
Still can’t sleep, the darkness holds doubt
In my dreams I’m lost, it’s better to stay awake
I can’t let you in
The love that’s trapped within me can’t be released
Can you find me? Can you see beneath the guilt?
Free me from within, let me love again
Do you feel it, do you feel it?
Fly away and be free
Don’t become trapped here with me
Listen to the hope that sings
Let it fill you up
And fly away, far away from me
Can I let you in?
The love that’s trapped within me, can it be released?
Can you find me? Can you see beneath the guilt?
Free me from within, let me love again
Oh free me from within, let me love again
As I’m lost in the song the soft strains of the guitar join in. My eyes stay shut. I don’t need to look to know Finn has joined me. As he adds to the melody, I can feel the song take on a new life. His voice softly harmonizes with my own as he picks up the words. Finn can hear a song once and know it perfectly. It’s one of the reasons he’s so good at this. We work so well together, after so many years spent making music. Infusion Deep has always been Finn and me. Other band members come and go. My songs become his and his songs become ours. I play through the song one more time before my fingers pause on the keys.
Finn’s hair is disheveled and he’s only wearing a pair of loose grey pants. “You’ve been holding out on me man. When did you write this?”
“The lyrics came to me tonight. The music came before…”
“It’s about her, isn’t it? Jemma.”
“Why would you say that?”
Finn looks at me with his penetrating stare. “Since when do we pretend with each other?”
I hang my head.
“Look, I should have noticed earlier. I’ve been a bit caught up in my own happiness. And you've always been my rock. Always seemed to have it all together. When did that change?”
I rub my palms against the rough stubble on my cheeks. “It’s the guilt, man. It eats away at you. You have no idea….”
Finn raises his arched brows. “Hey, it’s me you’re talking to. Mister guilt-ridden himself. What could you possibly have to feel guilty about?”
How can I look into the face of my best friend and tell him my terrible secret?
Finn stands and walks over to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You can tell me anything. You could tell me you’ve killed the pizza delivery boy, and I won’t hate you. Nothing you say could make me stop caring about you. You’re my family.”
“This would make you hate me…” My head bows, as if the light pressure of Finn’s hand is crushing me.
“You fell for her too?”
A sigh escapes me.
“Aw, shoot. How can I blame you for that? She’s the most beautiful soul that ever walked the earth. And you’ve never even tried anything with her.”
The lack of doubt in his voice makes me look up. Far from the hate in his eyes I was expecting, his expression radiates warmth and compassion.
“You really don’t hate me for falling in love with your wife?”
“No.”
“You really are as crazy as they say.”
Finn laughs, and I can’t help but respond in kind. My laughter continues until I’m shaking with it. Some of the steel bands around me seem to have loosened their hold.
Finn recovers first. “Besides, I think you have someone else on your mind now.”
I frown. “Yeah. It’s been different since she came. When did you figure it out?”
“Only today. I finally figured out something was wrong with you. That you weren’t the person I know anymore. I watched your eyes, how they followed Jemma around the room. You never spoke to her, just watched her.”
“You make me sound like some creepy stalker.”
“Nah, just a guy who thinks he isn’t good enough. You look just like I used to feel. It’s like looking into a mirror to the past.”
“So what do I do?”
“Is that all that’s bothering you?” Finn rests his elbow on top of the piano.
“Isn’t that enough?”
“C’mon, Wes, how many times do you have to listen to me whine and moan about stuff?”
“Yeah, but you have that whole tortured artist thing going for you. I’m no musical genius.”
“Did you not hear that music we were just playing?”
“So you mean I have to feel like this to make good songs?”
“No, but it helps. But seriously, feel like what?”
I run a hand roughly thr
ough my hair. “Like the world is painted in shades of grey, and I’m just a spectator in my own life. I can’t sleep. I forget to eat sometimes…”
“So it’s not just about Autumn and Jemma, is it?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Maybe you need to talk to someone who knows more than I do. Autumn really loves Dr. Mary, maybe you could talk to her?”
“Autumn still speaks to Dr. Mary?” I’m surprised. She seems so confident and happy now.
“Once a week without fail. She’s doing great, and she wants to make sure she stays that way.”
“Have you ever talked to someone…you know…a counselor or someone?”
Finn picks at a fleck of dust on top of the piano. “I’ve tried, but for me, the music is the therapy that works best. You wanna write some more songs?”
I’ve definitely had enough of this serious talk, although I do feel more positive. “Yeah, let’s make some music.”
Jemma
Wes is leaving to go back on tour today. Apart from a few brief chats, mainly about Sophie, we haven’t really talked. So I guess I have my answer as to whether he sees me as more than an employee. By tonight, he’ll be in San Francisco, and I won’t see him again for a month. Sophie tried to get him to relent and let us come with them but, he's adamant it’s better for her to remain here and stay in school. She’s very persuasive when she wants something, I almost felt sure he’d relent. Part of me is glad he didn’t. Being in the spotlight is not something I want, but a part of me would love to see him on stage playing the music I’ve come to love.
Only Autumn knows I’ve become an Infusion Deep fan. I listen to their albums with my earbuds firmly in place. I watch concert clips on YouTube when I should be studying. It’s sad really. The only thing missing are posters on my bedroom wall. I flop back on my bed and chuckle at the thought. A knock on my door startles me.
I prop myself up on my elbows. “Come in.”
Wes comes in and shuts the door. His brown wavy hair is tousled in that I-just-got-out-of-bed look. I sit up, embarrassed at where my thoughts are heading.
“Hey, Jem, I just wanted to discuss something with you, in private, before I have to leave.”
I stand up. It feels awkward to be on the bed with this gorgeous man in my room. “Sure, what’s up?”
He moves closer, and my heart beats in a wild frenzy. When he’s close enough to touch me, he leans toward my ear. “I want to surprise Soph with tickets to the New York show. Are you up for that? Or would you rather take that weekend off?”
My eyes flutter closed. The scent of his aftershave is intoxicating. I don’t think I could say no to anything he asks right now.
“Sure, I can bring her to New York.” I’m embarrassed at the breathy tone my voice has taken on. I give myself a hard pinch on the inside of my wrist where he can’t see.
His eyes lock on to mine. He must have caught on to my ridiculous reaction. But rather than laughter, his eyes are intense…serious… Without conscious thought, I move closer. My lips are within inches of his. His warm breath heats my skin. My eyes drift closed.
“Wes? Where are you?” Sophie’s voice sounds very close.
My eyes open, and I take a jerky step backward.
“In here, Soph.” I’m relieved Wes’s voice sounds as unsteady as I feel.
I take another step backward until I’m against the bed as Sophie comes into the room. “What are you guys doing in here?”
“Talking about you,” Wes responds, regaining his composure.
“Ooh, secrets. Don’t worry, I’ll get Jemma to spill them once you’ve gone.” She grins and flicks her long, high ponytail off her shoulder.
Wes grabs her in a loose headlock and pulls her against his body. “If you do, little sis, I’ll cancel the surprise.”
“Hey, no fair. I need to know.” She tickles his ribs until he has no choice but to release her.
Who knew he was so ticklish?
“Ha!” Sophie yells as she jumps back out of his reach.
Wes looks at me, my heart ignites. “You’ll tell me if she’s hassling you about it, won’t you Jemma?”
I gulp. “Uh, sure…I promise.”
Sophie puts her hands on her hips. “Aw, come on, Jemma. Don’t promise him. Now I’ll feel bad about trying to make you break your promise.”
“Sophie!” Wes doesn’t look amused anymore.
“Yeah, yeah, whatevs.” She gives Wes a hug. “Bye then. Bring me back something good.” She practically skips back out of the room, leaving the door open.
Wes grins at me, showing his perfect smile. “Well, I guess that was all the farewell I’m getting. Walk me out, so I don’t feel like a total loser?”
I smile. “Sure. Hard to believe we were like that only a few years ago.”
Wes grins. “I’m pretty sure I was never like that.”
“No, you couldn’t pull off that ponytail flick.”
We both laugh as we walk down the stairs.
Chapter 7
Wes
Today the world seems blurry again. The edges are indistinct. It’s as if they’ve been smudged somehow. I take my place behind the keyboard as the lights go on. The crowd is like a huge pit of white noise. At least my hands know what to do. It’s as if they have a separate life of their own as they flawlessly play the first song in the set. Finn has the crowd focused on him. His husky voice floods the arena.
Only one more show and then New York. I’m hoping that it will be enough to bring some clarity back. If Sophie and Jemma can’t bring me back, can anything? Jemma has been distant, yet professional during our nightly calls. I can’t believe I almost kissed her before I left. It hadn’t been planned. Just being that close to her was intoxicating. Like a drug that once sampled was completely addictive. Thoughts of Jemma had kept me present for weeks until the grey fog began to descend again. What city is this? One stadium is much like the last. A never-ending parade of sameness.
Play. Stop for the applause. Repeat.
Finn is talking. We must be near the end. “Thanks for being a great crowd, Philadelphia. Would you like to hear a special new song?”
The crowd roars their approval. What new song? What the heck is he talking about? Hopefully, this is some solo acoustic gem he’s cooked up. Probably mentioned it at the last band meeting. I don’t remember.
“This song is amazing. You’re going to love it. It was written by my best friend and bandmate Wes Bowman!”
The cheering ratchets up a few decibels. Me? They’re going that crazy for me? A spotlight spreads a golden halo over me as the other stage lights dim. My thoughts turn to her and the music flows.
One day I opened my door
And there you were, you were there
There’s a girl in the front row clutching her hands to her heart as if she can’t get enough. Finn’s voice blends seamlessly with mine as we reach the chorus.
I can’t let you in
The love that’s trapped within me can’t be released
Can you find me? Can you see beneath the guilt?
Free me from within, let me love again
A tear slides slowly down my cheek, but I have to ignore it. The ivory keys come into sharper focus. The feelings the song evokes slam into me. Finn strides across the stage unhampered by his guitar for this song. He stands beside me and sings into my mike.
My hands pound the keys as we sing together. My voice soars. I can feel it. I can feel her. This is the feeling, the one that’s been missing. Trust Finn to figure it out, to know what I need.
The applause is deafening. I can’t believe they loved something I wrote so much. Finn pulls me out from behind the keyboard to the front of the stage. He lifts my hand high and then we both bow low as he lets our entwined hands fall. Ryan and Zane join us and we all place our arms around each other’s shoulders in a line facing the crowd. We take one final bow before waving to the crowd as we head backstage.
We huddle together, energized by the night’s
performance.
Finn takes the lead as always. “Great job, guys. You all totally rocked it tonight. And that song Wes—Magic! There was one thing though…you looked a bit surprised when I announced it. Did you forget we were debuting it tonight?”
I grimace, before the grin returns. “Yeah, must have slipped my mind.” I’m not going to admit I don’t even remember deciding to include the song. Who knows what the response to that would be?
“Well the crowd sure lapped it up,” Ryan says. “We definitely need to add it to the regular set list.”
“Agreed.” Zane stands, and we all break apart from our post-show huddle. “We’d better get back out there before the crowd tears the place apart.”
I’m first back on stage. An energy courses through my veins I haven’t felt in a long time. For once I actually feel like I’m still young.
Jemma
My foot taps nervously against the shiny white speckled floor. “Are you sure having your brother meet us at the airport is a good idea?”
“Stop stressing, Jem, he’ll probably have some lame-o disguise.” Sophie tugs on the straps of her backpack as she searches the sea of faces around us. “Look, there he is!”
I look the way she’s pointing, but I can’t see Wes anywhere. “I can’t see him.”
“See that guy with the Knicks Jacket and the bad hair?” Sophie laughs.
Now that he’s closer, I can see it’s Wes hiding under the bad wig and wearing a pair of sunglasses. “Eww, no wonder no one noticed him. That wig looks like it could be hiding all sorts of vermin.”
“Yep, Finn wears it too, it always works.” Sophie runs the last few meters and flies into Wes’s arms.
I stand awkwardly while they finish hugging. I still never know how I should greet Wes. A hug, a handshake? Where are we at now that we almost kissed? I let Wes take the lead and he wraps his arms around me in a brief hug.
His smile looks brighter and less forced than the last time I saw him. “Hey, Jemma, how was your flight?”
