by N. R. Walker
“Okay,” he agreed.
I knew exactly what he was about to say. “Don’t apologise. Last time you saw my parents, at Ryan’s birthday, you had to pretend we weren’t together. The next time you see them, I want them to know exactly who you are.”
“Oh, they’ll love me,” he said casually. “Everybody does. I’m more worried how they’ll be with you.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed loudly. “Go get on your plane. Before you take off, do me a favour and Google the word ‘cranter’.”
I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t know what the word meant. I smiled and kissed him lightly. “Bye.”
I hadn’t even got the car out of the parking lot before my phone beeped with a message.
Your use of the Urban Dictionary is outstanding, smartass.
When I pulled up at traffic lights, I typed out my response. Your proper nouns could use some work.
From chivalry to insolent in twenty minutes.
I replied with his earlier comment to me. It’s a talent.
I’m putting in my earphones and ignoring your insolent, gorgeous smartass.
I smiled as I typed out my response. I love you too.
* * * *
I smiled all the way home, packed my bag, and by the time I’d driven up the coast to my mom and dad’s house, I was even more determined to tell them.
I wanted them to know about the person who challenged me, who drove me crazy, who made me laugh. Who loved me.
I wanted them to know. I knew they wouldn’t take the news very well, but Cooper was worth it.
The closer I got to my parents’ house, the more determined I was. But as I pulled into their street, everything changed. Because there were blue and red flashing lights, and an ambulance in their drive.
Chapter Twelve
I pulled up and raced out of the car to the back of the ambulance. My father was lying on the gurney, with an oxygen mask on his face marred by pale puffs of breath. He looked asleep as they loaded him in the back of the vehicle.
Despite my father obviously being unwell, I knew things really weren’t good from the look on my mother’s face. Her soft, ever-smiling face was etched with worry and stained with tears. There was a female paramedic standing beside her.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked, almost running to her. “What happened to Dad?”
Her eyes darted to her husband, then the paramedic gave me a sad smile. “You’re Tom?” the woman asked. “Your mother said you’d be here soon.”
“Yes,” I answered. “Can you tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong with my father?”
“Your father has suffered what we suspect is a massive stroke,” she answered. “We’re taking him to hospital.”
“Okay,” I said rather stupidly, trying to process everything. “Which one?”
“South Hampton,” the paramedic said, and she moved to the back of the ambulance. Another paramedic got out from the back of the ambulance and got into the driver’s side. She looked pointedly at Mom. “We need to go.”
“Mom, you go with Dad in the ambulance,” I said, ushering her towards the van. She seemed unable to move. “I’ll lock the house up and meet you there. You go.”
Mom blinked a few times. The paramedic kindly helped her into the back of the ambulance, the lights started to flash and they left.
And I stood there, staring at where they’d just been.
That wasn’t how it was supposed to go at all.
I stood, lost, stuck, until my mind finally told my body to move. I ran inside, closed and locked windows and doors, grabbed my mother’s handbag and keys and locked the front door behind me.
I don’t remember the drive to the hospital.
When I got to the emergency room, after telling them who I was there to see, I was ushered through the double white doors and found my mother, sitting, waiting, alone.
“They’re working on him now,” she said quietly. “He had another turn in the ambulance.”
Fuck.
I took her hand and held it as tight as I dared.
“He said he was feeling funny this morning,” she whispered. “Said he thought he should have a lie down. I took a cup of tea in to him not long after,” she said, starting to cry. “But he couldn’t move. He just stared at me.”
I pulled my mom against me and held her while she sobbed quietly in my arms. And then a man in scrubs walked out to stand in front of us. “Mrs Elkin,” he said. “We’re taking your husband in for surgery. He’s had scans. There’s considerable swelling on his brain and a blockage. We’ll do everything we can…” His words trailed off.
“But?” I asked.
“But it doesn’t look good,” he replied gently.
My blood ran cold and my stomach knotted. I squeezed my mom’s hand.
“If there’s any other family you need to call…” he suggested, then turned and walked down the hall.
I let his words sink in for a long moment before I took my phone from my pocket. I scrolled through my contacts and hit call.
He picked up on the third ring. “Dad?”
“Yeah, Ryan, it’s me,” I said softly.
* * * *
It was a long, anxious wait sitting beside Mom in the waiting room, waiting for word, waiting for anything.
I was hoping Ryan would get there before the doctors came out to speak to us, but it didn’t work out that way.
The same doctor as before walked out and I knew from the look on his face that the news wasn’t good. He looked at me first, then to Mom, and he frowned. “I’m sorry,” he started. “Your husband suffered a heart attack and with the blockage in the brain… We did everything we could.”
Mom’s hand went to her mouth and she started to cry, saying, “No, no, no,” over and over. The doctor offered quiet condolences and as he left, Mom surprised me and stood up. “I want to see him.”
The doctor looked at me, then back to the heartbroken woman in front of him. “Come with me,” he said quietly. They disappeared through the doors he’d just came through, and again, I was left not knowing what to do.
My father was gone.
Forever.
He was only sixty-seven.
I heard a familiar voice and turned to see Ryan come down the hall. He was almost running, and his mother was behind him. Sofia must have driven him here. “Dad?” Ryan asked. “How is he?”
I stood up and I was pretty sure I didn’t have to say. The look on my face must have said enough. I shook my head and said the hardest words I’d ever said to him. “He’s gone.”
Ryan’s whole body sagged. “He what?”
“Your grandfather’s gone,” I said again. “It was a massive stroke.”
Ryan shook his head, and looked disbelievingly from me to Sofia. His eyes welled with tears. “No.”
I put my arms around him and held him while he cried. I looked at Sofia, who had fresh tears running down her cheeks. “Thank you for bringing him,” I said softly. “Thank you.”
She put her hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, Tom?”
“I’ll be fine,” I answered, nodding weakly. I had to be fine. I needed to be strong. My mother and my son needed me and I had to be the strong one. I pulled back from Ryan and let him wipe his eyes with the back of his hands.
“Mom’s just gone with the doctor,” I told them, as we sat down in the waiting room chairs. “She wanted to see him before…she wanted to see him.”
Ryan nodded. “Where’s Cooper?”
“He’s in Philadelphia,” I told him in a whisper. “He left this morning for the green energy convention he’s been working on.”
Ryan wiped at his nose and nodded. “That’s right. I forgot.” Then he said, “What do we do now? With Grandpa? And Grandma? What happens?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’ll see what Mom wants to do. I might suggest she comes home with me, but knowing her she’ll want to go home.”
“If you need me to do anything,” So
fia said softly. “Please, just ask.”
I gave her a nod. Sofia always loved my parents, and they loved her, so it really wasn’t surprising that she’d offered to help. It wasn’t surprising that she was here. She would take the loss of my father similar to the loss of her own.
My mom walked through the door, strangely composed though she looked like she’d aged a decade.
Ryan, Sofia and I all stood to meet her, and it was Ryan who was the first to hug her, then Sofia and then me. I knew my mom would probably just like to go home, but I didn’t want her to be alone. “Mom,” I said gently. “How about you stay with me tonight? You can have Ryan’s room. I don’t think you should be alone tonight.”
Her bottom lip trembled, and all she did was nod. She didn’t want to leave Dad, she didn’t want to go home without him. I understood that, and I was helpless to do anything about it.
I put my arm around her and led her out to my car. The drive to the city, to my place was quiet, the both of us lost in our own thoughts. Through all of this, with my grieving mother in the seat next to me, all I could think about was Cooper.
I needed him.
I felt selfish for wanting him. I wanted to call him, I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to hear his voice. I just needed him.
But I couldn’t.
He couldn’t do anything by being here. He just had one day away for work, and he’d be back tomorrow.
I could hold out until then.
I got Mom inside my apartment and Ryan and Sofia followed us in. Mom didn’t want anyone to fuss, she didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want anything.
Just my dad.
I’d never felt more helpless.
Everyone was hurting and I couldn’t do anything. I ordered food that no one ate, I only seemed to say the wrong thing, or not enough, or too much.
Mom said the doctor had given her a few pills to help her sleep tonight. I couldn’t protest, I couldn’t tell her she hadn’t eaten all day, I couldn’t say anything. I just gave her a hug, tucked her into bed and told her we’d deal with tomorrow together.
When I walked back into the kitchen, Sofia and Ryan both stood up and looked at me. “How is she?” Ryan asked.
“I think she’s in shock,” I told them. “Dad was fine at breakfast, and now he’s gone. That has to be hard for anyone.”
Ryan walked over to me. “You okay, Dad?”
No. No, I wasn’t. “Yeah, I’m okay.” I looked at both Ryan and Sofia. “You don’t have to stay…” My words trailed off. I was fighting to keep it together, swallowing back tears.
Then Sofia, who had been relatively quiet the entire day, came over to me and put her arms around me. It was kind and familiar, and it should have comforted me.
But it felt wrong.
She was soft and gentle, smelt floral and womanly, when all I wanted was firm and hard and the smell of cologne.
I pulled out of her embrace and took a step away. I swallowed hard, and took a shaky breath.
“Tom, do you want us to stay?” she asked, looking a little concerned.
“No,” I answered, trying not to cry. “I mean, you can if you want, but I’ll be fine.”
I didn’t want to be rude. Sofia had been very gracious today, very kind and supportive.
But she wasn’t who I needed.
I walked around my ex-wife towards the sofa when there was a familiar sound of jingling keys in the lock of the front door.
I looked at Ryan.
“I called him,” he said. “For you.”
I turned back to the door as Cooper walked in. He looked worried, urgent, like he’d run all the way from Philly. He didn’t look at anyone else, he put his bag on the floor and never took his eyes off me.
I’d never needed someone so fucking much.
There was a burning in my eyes and a heavy relief in my chest. I couldn’t fight the tears, and a quiet sob escaped me.
Cooper crossed the floor and pulled me against him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his neck. He had one hand around my back and the other holding my head. I’d never held anyone so tight. My hands fisted the back of his suit jacket and he held me while I cried.
He fit against me perfectly. He felt right—his arms, his smell. Everything. He was…everything.
I didn’t want to let go, but eventually pulled back and wiped at my face. “I’m sorry you had to leave work. I’m sorry you had to come back,” I said quietly. “But I’m so glad you’re here.”
Cooper nodded and wiped my face with his hands. “Tom, I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you for being here,” I whispered.
He held my face and kissed my cheek then my forehead. He replied softly in my ear, “I couldn’t be anywhere else.”
I looked around then, at Ryan and Sofia, who were looking at Cooper and me. Cooper looked at Ryan, and didn’t hesitate. He took a few quick strides to him and hugged him too. “Thank you for calling me,” he told him. “I’m really sorry, Ry.”
Ryan hugged him back and Cooper looked at Sofia. He walked slowly over to her. “Mrs Elkin,” he said gently. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
Sofia gave him a small, kind, but genuine smile. “Thank you, Cooper.”
Then Cooper came back to me. He slid one hand around my jaw and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. He wiped my face dry with his thumbs. “Have you eaten? Can I get you a drink of wine? A coffee?”
I smiled, despite my tears, and put my hand on his chest. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
Cooper took my hand and led me to the sofa. “You guys sit down. I’m sure you have a lot of things to discuss,” he said to us. “I’ll make some hot tea.”
He just took charge. He tidied up, put the leftover, uneaten dinner in the fridge and came back with a tray of herbal tea and cups.
“When my grandma died,” he explained softly, “my mom served a lot of chamomile and peppermint tea. It’s supposed to be calming and good for the soul.” He sat down next to me and started to pour some of the hot brew into one of the four cups, then he stopped and looked up. “I think that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever said.”
Ryan snorted out a laugh, which made me chuckle. Even Sofia smiled. It was a much-needed release from the tears and the grief.
Cooper finished pouring the tea and I told him my mom was asleep in the spare room. We weren’t sure what tomorrow would bring, but we’d deal with it the best we could.
He sat particularly close to me, with one leg tucked up underneath him, a part of him always touching me. Just having him there was a relief, like I could somehow bear the loss of my father if Cooper was with me.
The weight of the day, the irreparable loss, finally settled over me. I was suddenly exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. When I stifled a yawn, Cooper suggested I go to bed.
He gave my leg a squeeze, got up from the sofa, and cleared away the tray and the tea. Cooper disappeared down the hall, came back with linen and kicked us off the sofa so Ryan and Sofia would have somewhere to sleep. I think his insistence might have surprised Sofia, but Ryan and I weren’t surprised at all.
I offered to help, but he shooed me away. “You go in and have a hot shower,” he said gently. “It will make you feel better. I’ll get this all sorted.”
I loved his ability to just take charge, to know I needed someone to take care of things, to take care of me. And he just did it. He just knew.
I stood under the stream of the hot water and the realisation that I’d lost my father hit me again. My own mortality hit me. How quickly life could change, how it could be changed forever in a heartbeat. I worried about my mother, how she would cope, how she would get through this.
Selfishly, I wondered how my life would change after today. Would my mom need to live with me? What would that mean for me and Cooper?
I shut off the water, and as I got dressed into sleep pants and a T-shirt, I could hear someone was in the other shower in the main bathroom. Then I could hear two voices com
ing from the living room.
Soft voices, and at first I assumed it was Cooper and Ryan. But as I got to the hallway, I realised it was Cooper and Sofia.
I knew I shouldn’t have been listening. It was a private conversation. But it sounded amicable, so I stood there, where they couldn’t see me, and listened.
“Did he really ask you to move in with him?” Sofia asked.
“Yes,” Cooper answered honestly. “Several times.”
“Why did you say no?”
Cooper laughed. “I like to keep him on his toes.”
“But you want to move in with him?” Sofia asked.
I thought about moving, walking out so they’d hear me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer. I didn’t think I could cope with hearing why. But then he spoke.
“Of course I do,” he said quietly. “I love him.”
My heart swelled in my chest at his words, my eyes filled with tears and I smiled.
“You know,” Sofia started, “I’ve known Tom for a long time. Since we were kids ourselves. We’ve been through a lot,” she said. “I’ve been with him through everything—the highs and lows of his career, parenthood…”
I wondered where she was going with this, and I almost interrupted them.
But then she let out a nervous breath. “But tonight, when you walked into this apartment, when he saw you…the way he looked at you…” She paused for a moment and her voice was quiet. “In all the years we were together, not once did he ever look at me like that.”
“Sofia…” Cooper started to speak.
“It’s okay, Cooper,” she said. “Really, it is. In a way, I’m glad.”
“Glad?”
Sofia sighed again. “When I first learnt that he and you were… Well, I thought it was just some fling. I thought it was something he’d get over,” she admitted. “But I can see now that it’s not.”
“No, it’s not,” he replied. His tone was soft and agreeable.
“So I’m glad,” she repeated. “I’m glad he has you.”
The water from Ryan’s shower cut off, and so I wasn’t caught eavesdropping in the hallway, I had to move. I walked out into the living room. Cooper and Sofia were sitting at the dining table, and he stood up when I walked in. “Feel a bit better?”
