by Lucy Gordon
‘What’s the matter with you?’ she demanded. ‘Are you ill? Do you want a doctor?’
‘No,’ he managed to say. ‘Not a doctor.’
He knew who he wanted, but it took all his strength to reach the telephone and dial the number of the one person in the world who could help him.
Dear God, let her be there! Please, please let her be there.
The phone on the other end began to ring.
She’s always been there for me before. Make her there now.
The ringing went on and on.
She’s not there. But she must be. She has to be because I need her. Please, please, please, please, please…
‘Hello?’ Kelly answered.
The relief was so great that he almost passed out. ‘Kelly,’ he said in a croak that sounded nothing like his usual voice.
‘Who is this?’
‘It’s me-Jake-’
‘Jake, whatever’s the matter? Are you ill?’
‘I don’t know,’ he gasped. ‘I’m at Olympia’s apartment-can you come here-please come-I want to get home and I can’t-’ He was heaving for breath again.
‘Of course I’ll come,’ she said at once. ‘But, Jake, can you tell me what’s happened?’
‘I don’t know what’s happened,’ he whispered. ‘But get here quickly.’
He dropped the phone and leaned back against the wall, shaking in every limb. Olympia had followed the conversation with outrage.
‘Whatever’s come over you?’ she asked, taking him by the shoulders and giving him a shake.
‘I have to go home. Sorry, Olympia. I’m not-very good company-tonight-’
‘It’s not your fault,’ she said in a voice of concern. ‘You tried to do too much too soon.’
‘Right,’ he muttered, hardly knowing what he said.
‘You’re still worse than we thought.’
‘Right.’ He would agree to anything if only Kelly would arrive soon.
‘I think you should go back to the hospital,’ she said firmly.
‘Not-hospital-Kelly.’ He gasped the words out, one by one.
‘Come and sit down.’ She steered him to the sofa, where he almost collapsed.
Olympia left him for a moment while she collected her scattered clothes and vanished into her bedroom. While there she made a phone call.
Jake stared at something on the floor, wondering what it was and what he was supposed to do with it. At last it registered as his shirt, which he must have discarded some time before. He couldn’t remember it. Using all his concentration he lifted it and put it back on. The effort exhausted him and he slumped on the sofa, fixing his attention on the wall opposite. If he watched the pattern hard enough he could avoid thinking about the monster that was fighting to break out of its cage in his mind.
It was strange how perfectly regular the pattern was-one, two, three-how long would it take her to get here?-four, five, six-when had he phoned her? He’d lost track of time-seven, eight, nine-but, please God, let her be here soon?
He reached the end of the row and started again. One, two, three-how would she come? In a cab?-four, five, six-it was such a distance-such a vast distance from Kelly to Olympia-an unbridgeable distance-why did he think of that now? Seven, eight, nine-
He kept his eyes closed, trying to shield his inner self from Olympia’s curious gaze. There was only one person he trusted to see deeply into his heart and soul, but she wasn’t here. She had promised to come to him, but where was she? The monster was growing stronger, smashing against the bars, threatening him with unspeakable horrors. If she didn’t get here in time…
The doorbell broke into his terrors. His forehead was damp with relief. Now everything would be all right.
But it wasn’t Kelly. It was two men in grey sweaters and trousers.
‘Are you the lady who called the ambulance?’ one of them asked Olympia.
‘That’s right.’
‘What the devil have you done?’ Jake demanded harshly. ‘Who asked you to call anyone?’
‘Darling, you need help.’
‘And I’ll get it when Kelly arrives.’
‘I mean real professional help.’
Jake turned on the two men, gasping. ‘Who are you and where do you come from?’
‘Forest Glades,’ one of them said. ‘The best private rest home in the business.’
‘Be damned to you and your “rest home”. I know what that means.’
‘It’s all right,’ Olympia soothed. ‘The company will pay the bills.’
With a tremendous effort he pulled himself together. The next words came out sounding strange to his own ears, harsh and dead, like a robot. But they made a sort of sense.
‘I’m going home with my wife. She’ll be here in a moment.’
The two men looked at Olympia, who gave an awkward laugh.
‘Darling, you don’t have a wife. You’re divorced.’ An ominous concern shaded her voice. ‘Surely you remember? Of course I know you’ve been a bit forgetful recently-’
‘I haven’t forgotten the important things,’ he said, still in the same harsh voice. ‘Divorce or no divorce, Kelly is still my wife, and she always will be.’
‘Jake, really-’
‘And if you want proof of that, she’s having my baby.’
The paramedics looked at him, then at Olympia. Jake was alive to the nuances but he was beyond caring. Every fibre of his being was concentrated on seeming normal until Kelly arrived. He could feel his control slipping, but if he could just hang on a little longer…she could handle everything…she was strong…she had always been strong…
‘Excuse me,’ came a voice from the doorway. The paramedics had left it open and Kelly was standing there, smiling and apparently at ease.
‘Jake, dear,’ she said, coming forward to him, ‘I got here as soon as I could. Are you ready to come home now?’
‘Yes,’ he said hoarsely.
‘Excuse me, miss-ma’am-’ it was one of the paramedics ‘-can you confirm that you’re his wife?’
Eyes wide with apparent naivety, Kelly declared, ‘Of course I am. But you already knew that. He told you.’
So she’d heard, Jake thought. Everything was reaching him from a distance, but he registered that Kelly was totally in control.
The other paramedic was a puritanical young man. Eyeing Kelly’s very obvious pregnancy with outrage he said stiffly, ‘I’m sorry to tell you, ma’am, but we found your husband with this-lady.’
Her disconcerting response was a ripple of laughter. ‘Haven’t you given up yet, Olympia? I suppose you thought your best chance was to pounce now, while I’m pregnant. It doesn’t seem to have worked, does it? Never mind, better luck next time.’
‘You mean you don’t mind?’ the young man asked, gaping.
‘Mind about her? What for? She’s no threat to my marriage. Sorry, Olympia, but the truth is the truth, even when it hurts.’
‘I think you’d better leave,’ Olympia said through clenched teeth.
‘Glad to,’ Kelly said promptly, slipping her hand through Jake’s arm. ‘I’m sorry you two gentlemen were called out for no reason. Ready, darling?’
‘One moment before you go,’ Olympia said acidly, vanishing into the bedroom. She returned a moment later and held out her hand, bearing Jake’s cufflinks. ‘Don’t forget these.’
‘Thank you,’ Kelly said, taking them. She met her gaze. ‘Poor Olympia,’ she said softly.
The murderous look in the other woman’s eyes provided one of the great moments of her life.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
A FTERWARDS Jake had very little memory of leaving Olympia’s apartment, or of getting home. The ride down in the lift blended into the cab Kelly had left waiting outside the building, getting into the back, taking refuge in Kelly’s arms. She held him close, rocking him gently, murmuring words of comfort to ease an agony that she didn’t understand. When they reached the flat she thrust money at the driver, still holding Jake’s hand
in her own, and drew him quickly into the building. When they were safely home she enfolded him again in a passion of protectiveness.
‘You’re shivering,’ she said.
‘I can’t stop,’ he said through chattering teeth.
‘I’ll put the heating on.’
‘No, it’s not that kind of shivering.’
‘Jake, can you tell me what happened?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I don’t know. Suddenly everything was dark and there was nothing in the world but fear and despair. But then I remembered there was you, and I knew if I reached you I’d be safe. Hold me. Hold me!’
‘Yes, darling, yes-’ The word slipped out without her knowing. ‘I’m here. Hold onto me.’
She too was in a kind of shock, stunned by the suddenness with which the world had turned on its head. She’d sent him off to Olympia, telling herself that she was doing the best thing for both of them. In her mind she’d followed every step of his evening: the romantic candlelit dinner, the journey back to Olympia’s apartment, the soft music as they undressed and went to bed.
She’d tried to shut her thoughts off at this stage but it had been impossible. She knew Jake’s body as nobody else would ever know it. She knew how he made love, the little caresses that excited him. She’d known him both as a tender, considerate lover, and a fiercely thrilling one. Which would he be with Olympia?
And then, when her torment was at its height, he’d called her, imploring her help.
Now she sat beside him on the sofa, feeling his trembling abate, wondering what terrors had invaded him, and why suddenly at this moment? She didn’t press him to talk; he wasn’t ready. It was enough that he was in her arms, needing her as never before.
He had said she was his wife, as though their marriage was an unbroken continuum. And he had claimed her child as his, as though in his heart he had always guessed. But he had not said these things to her, only to others, and perhaps they’d been only the desperate words of a desperate man. She would know nothing until he repeated them to her.
She, in her turn, had called him her darling, and she knew that it had always been true. Her love had never died. She’d merely buried it, hoping to forget how to find it again. Now she knew that had been a vain hope. While Jake retained even a shadow of his old cocky self she could fence with him, bicker with him, defend herself from him. But his vulnerability broke her heart. As long as he needed her, she was his.
‘You’re cold,’ she said at last. ‘You should be in bed.’
He seemed unable to move, as though he was drained of will, but he let her urge him to his feet and into the bedroom. She was shocked at the sight of him. His face had the muddy pallor of an old man’s and there were black smudges beneath his eyes.
‘Stay with me,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t want to be alone. Please, Kelly.’
‘Of course I will, my dear. I’ll do whatever you want. Just let me get my things.’
She slipped away. She was gone just a couple of minutes, but when she returned, dressed for bed, Jake was standing at his door, watching for her with something in his eyes that it hurt her to see.
‘I’m coming,’ she said quickly, taking his hand.
As they lay together in bed he told her about the evening, keeping back nothing.
‘I was going to take her to bed,’ he said bluntly, ‘but I couldn’t. There was nothing there for her. Nothing. Just like last time.’
‘Last time?’
‘In Paris. I always told you the truth about that. I backed off at the last minute. You seemed to be there, and you wouldn’t let me do anything that would destroy our love. So I made excuses and got drunk. And then the joke was that you wouldn’t believe me. But it was true all the time.’
‘I believe you now,’ she whispered. ‘I wish I’d believed you then, but I didn’t know you in those days as I do now.’
He fell silent and she just held him, knowing that he must take his own time. Inwardly she was weeping for him.
‘It was like sliding down into the pit of hell,’ he said at last. ‘As though my mind has been holding all the bad things behind bars and now they’ve got out. I don’t know what to do.’ He tried to force himself to speak sensibly. ‘Of course it’s only temporary. I’m all right now.’
But his voice shook even as he said it, and she tightened her arms.
‘It will be all right,’ she promised. ‘I’ll call the doctor tomorrow-’
Some old reflex action made him bristle at the word. ‘I don’t need a doctor-’
‘Yes, you do,’ she said firmly. ‘No argument. I’ve decided.’
At that he even managed a shaky laugh. ‘Yes, dear.’
She picked up the echo, as he’d intended, and smiled into the darkness. But her heart was heavy because she knew they’d just embarked on the dreadful road that Dr Ainsley had warned her about. It was sharp and thorny, and the end of it was hidden from her.
When she called the doctor next morning she was half afraid Jake would protest again, but he was too deep in his own private agony to say anything.
The local doctor was a brisk, well-meaning man with little imagination. To him, clinical depression was something to be treated with drugs, and time would do the rest. The medication he prescribed was strong and usually effective. Kelly learned that much from a talk with a fellow student who was doing medical research. But she felt the doctor had looked at only one side of the problem. Jake needed more. From the way he’d reached out to her she guessed it was something only she could give, but as yet she wasn’t certain what it was. She could only watch and wait, and hope that the moment would find her ready.
Jake had never before suffered clinical depression. He’d thought he had, when he was first in the hospital. Now he knew that experience had been nothing, just a bout of being down in the dumps-bad enough, but not to be compared with this bleak hell.
The medication was only partly effective. It dulled the edge of his consciousness, so that instead of the darkness being full of sharp weapons to taunt him it was a place of diffuse misery.
By day he slumped into coma-like sleep, by night he lay awake tormented by demons. They came from inside him, and had names like futility, guilt, hopelessness. From this perspective his entire past life seemed empty, his future non-existent.
His body seemed to be made of lead so that dragging one foot in front of another was an almighty effort. He understood nothing that was happening to him. Faces came and went. Voices echoed in his head. There was Kelly telling him that all would soon be well because Dr Ainsley had predicted this.
‘He thought it would happen sooner…and then you recovered…you were so strong, it was like you’d got away with it…’
You were so strong…
He tried to remember when he’d ever really been strong. What had his strength ever been but an illusion, depending on one crucial prop? Then the prop had been removed and he’d seen himself with awful clarity. While Kelly was there, Jack the lad, a bouncing fire-cracker who could enthral the world. Without her, nothing.
Day after day his misery blotted out almost everything else and the world reached him through a fog. The only reality was Kelly, who had quietly moved her things back into his room, and spent each night with him in the double bed. When the fog was heaviest her face was still there, tense with anxiety, watching him with fearful eyes. She took several days off, making various unconvincing excuses, and gradually it dawned on him that she was afraid to leave him alone.
That brought the darkness down again. Her chance was slipping away because of him. History was repeating itself, and it mustn’t be allowed to happen.
‘It’s all right,’ he told her, concentrating hard on the words. ‘I’ll still be here when you get back. I’m not-going anywhere.’
At last he persuaded her to leave, and endured several hellish hours when the walls seemed to be closing in on him. But when she returned at the end of the day he managed a smile.
‘The kettl
e’s on,’ he said with a fair pretence of cheerfulness. ‘Sit down while I make you some tea.’
‘How have you been?’ she asked, looking anxiously into his face.
‘It’s getting easier,’ he lied.
He knew she doubted him, and he managed to keep smiling until he was in the kitchen. There his control slipped and he stood clinging onto a shelf, heaving with distress while sweat poured down his face. But a movement behind him made him pull himself together and hoist the bright mask into place before she saw his face again.
He had his reward next morning, when she left the apartment with an easier mind. He gave her a cheery wave through the window before turning away as the waves of blackness engulfed him again.
Once he called Dr Ainsley. ‘Kelly said you knew this was going to happen.’
‘You took two bullets, and that’s enough to traumatise any man,’ Ainsley said cheerfully. ‘Inside, you never did recover quite as well as you made out, and pretending just makes things worse. What medication are you taking?’ When he heard he grunted. ‘That’s all right. It’s good stuff. Give it time to do its work and leave the rest to Kelly.’
As days passed the fog lifted a little but the world still reached him at a distance. He read his mail, only half taking it in, but stray words and phrases clung, worrying him. Somewhere out there were things he should be thinking about, taking seriously, but they were muffled, and what could he do about them anyway?
One night he managed to sleep for a few minutes, then awoke sharply. There was a light under the door. He forced himself up and went out, to find Kelly lying on the sofa, frowning as she read a book. Something about her struck him forcibly.
‘You’re going to have a baby,’ he whispered.
She jumped up, full of alarm. ‘Jake-’
‘It’s all right, I’m not crazy.’ He let her draw him down until he was sitting beside her. ‘I knew you were pregnant-I did, didn’t I?’
‘Yes,’ she said gently, ‘you knew.’
‘I remember now.’ He shook his head as though trying to free it of a swarm of bees. ‘There’s something I can’t quite-why are you sitting here alone?’
