I will!
I will!
Epilogue One
Friday morning, twenty minutes before class.
The schoolyard was filled with boys in leotards. I was beginning to see what Jenah had meant about going big. There were girls in athletic clothes, too—some of them in dance costumes, but many of them in baggy clothes—big, saggy basketball shorts and loose T-shirts. The boys were the ones Jenah had specifically asked to wear form-fitting leggings and midriff shirts, and they had come through handsomely. The senior class vice president, a six-foot-tall boy with a beard, went leaping past me in a tutu and pink leg warmers. “I’m never taking this off,” he hollered at Jenah as he jetéd past.
“You see?” she said. “We’re showing the administration that gender-specific clothing policies aren’t going to fly here. They’ll have to outlaw yoga pants for everyone—which they might—or no one. Either way, it has to be consistent. That’s all I want.”
“All?” I said.
“Well. And a scene. Who wouldn’t want to make a scene, given half an excuse? And this was the perfect excuse.” She pulled out a real, live megaphone from somewhere—well, probably from Sparkle—and shouted, “Listen up, everyone! The dance-off begins on the quad in three minutes, right after the one and only Devon performs for us! Come show us your stuff! The Kit Kat troupe will get us started.” Right on cue, the Kit Kat kids flowed past, every one in more-outlandish dance gear than the last. Henny and that cute Kit Kat boy were arm in arm, and so were Bobby and Bryan. Olivia was carrying Jenah’s ballet bag for her.
Everyone was working together, and down on the quad I heard no hesitation as Devon started into his song. It was the same one he had been singing on the beach video with Hudzeth, but with no partly naked gimmicks now. Well, as far as I knew. He sang with conviction:
A single rose can feed a bee
Each drop of rain will raise the sea
Every forest starts with a tree
The first step is up to you
Voices rose as people joined in the chorus with him. Each individual. Each together.
If there was one thing I had learned this week, it was that everyone had their own story. Jenah’s story was not mine this week. She was the hero of her own personal journey, which had started with an unfair ruling and ended with a climactic dance-off on the high school quad. I was the smallest of small parts in her story this week, the minorest of side characters. My journey had been … well, maybe a little more epic, and involved new allies, new worlds to explore. It didn’t matter. One did not trump the other, and did not need to. We were still best friends, and that never needed to change. When I needed her, she helped me. And when she needed me, well …
I had told Sparkle to magic me up the fanciest of dance costumes. The most dramatically sequined. The most showstopping, attention-calling, frankly embarrassing getup of getups.
As I pulled it from its duffel bag, I saw that she had come through splendidly.
There was an enormous hot-pink tutu flocked with bows and stars. I put it on. A silver-sequined short cape. I put it on. A four-foot feathered headdress that should have weighed fifty pounds but clearly had been imbued with some sort of Sparkle magic and was light as one of its own hot-pink feathers. I put it on, too. I did not look in a mirror. There were limits.
“Jenah,” I said with dignity, as a thousand leotarded teenagers ran gleefully past us, “I am ready to help you save the day.”
She turned from her megaphone to see me. She did not laugh, because she is a True Friend. But she beamed from ear to ear as she squeezed my hands. “Thank you,” she said.
Epilogue Two
Saturday morning, surprisingly late in the morning.
It was good to be back in my own familiar bedroom, with a familiar puppy dog–shaped boy curled at my feet. Well, there was one change to the room. I had taped up Friday’s American history quiz next to my bed. After all, it isn’t every day you get an A-plus on something. Maybe right now Jenah was taping the new gender-neutral dress code ruling up in her own room, so she could be reminded of her success. Poppy was right. It was very bolstery to look back at what your past self had achieved … with the help of some friends.
There was another change, too. Dad had put his foot down and said I deserved a real phone, like normal teenagers had. Right now it had a pile of texts with Devon about a date. A real date, tonight, with pizza and a movie and no witches.
Except for me, of course.
Dad was downstairs flipping pancakes and singing old pop songs. I had never heard anyone downstairs singing old pop songs. Come to that, I had never gotten to sleep in until nine a.m. There were changes coming to the house. Maybe even kindergarten, in a couple years, for Wulfie, using those collars Ingrid had developed. I rubbed his belly, considering it, and he pawed the air in his sleep, content.
I also considered the brochure in my hands.
Picture yourself at beautiful Larkspur College!
Choose from our wide variety of interesting courses, such as:
• Hexes: A Fascinating Study of Witch Retaliation!
• Demons & Their Summoning: A Practical Lab!
• Shifters: Allies or Ingredients? An Exploration of Ethics!
Sarmine came in to say “Pancakes,” then saw what I was flipping through. She sat down next to the bed, pushing salt-and-pepper strands of hair back into her bob. “I suppose you want to go to Larkspur now,” she said.
“I’ve got a whole year to come up with a grand magical act,” I said.
“You don’t think rescuing your parents from the demon plane cuts it?” she said. “Or installing a bunch of Sentient Magicals in a witch coven—an innovation I’m not entirely sure about.”
“Oh, we’ve only just begun!” I said. “Shifters and werewolves and so on are just the beginning. The elementals need their say, too—demons, dragons, phoenixes. I think Hudzeth could end up being a useful member of the coven, don’t you? Poppy says she can rig up a projection holo so his tiny size on the phone screen won’t hold him back. And then I contact Moonfire, invite the dragons on board—maybe even get Jenah to be their spokesperson.…”
Sarmine looked dazed. “This new generation,” she murmured.
“Seriously, Mom, I’ve got a whole year to plan,” I said. “Just see what I come up with next.”
CAM & POPPY’S
POPPY & CAM’S
OUR APPENDIX OF SPELLS AND OTHER EPHEMERA
Cam’s Incredible Invisible Spell
• Crushed watermelon seeds
• Saffron
• Unicorn spritzer
• MYSTERY INGREDIENT
Take the exact right amount of all these ingredients and combine. Sprinkle on item you wish to make invisible. (Note: Does not work on witches.) (Also note: Do not get on a regular human.) Invisibility spell is basically permanent. If you manage to work this spell, and need something un-invisibled, please contact Poppy at [email protected] for the antidote.
Poppy’s Astounding Re-visible Spell
• Peeled banana skins
• Cinnamon
• Unicorn spritzer
• MYSTERY INGREDIENT
Take the exact right amount of all these ingredients and combine. Sprinkle on item you wish to make visible again. (Note: Only works on objects—cloaks, sweaters, cars, etc. If you have turned a regular human invisible using Cam’s Incredible Invisible Spell, then you will need to contact a demon. Good luck.)
Final Hex List
1. Sarmine Scarabouche—Vanished.
2. V. Valda Velda—House tried to destroy her.
3. Esmerelda Danela—Old and ugly.
4. Ingrid Ahlgren—House exploded.
5. Ulrich Grey—Cameras in bathroom.
6. Fiona Laraque—Grizzly chased her.
7. Jen Smith—Lion chased her.
8. Penny Patel—Tiger chased her.
&nbs
p; 9. Rimelda Danela—Vanished.
10. Hikari Tanaka—food poisoning, murder, idk nope! fingernail pulled out.
11. Lily Jones—Vanished.
12. Claudette Dupuy—Twenty nails pulled out.
13. Camellia Hexar—backfiring hex? Vanished! On purpose!! To SAVE THE DAY!!!
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book’s thanks start with Caroline M. Yoachim and Stephanie Denise Brown for their invaluable help reading drafts of the book. To Tinatsu Wallace, who explained to me how chapters work. To Meghan Sinoff, who explained to me how puppies work. To Melissa Connolly, who explained to me how parliamentary procedure works, and then watched as I let the witches trample all over parliamentary procedure.
To Derek Künsken, thanks for checking Claudette’s French. You get your own paragraph because the above paragraph is funnier the way it is and I couldn’t fit you into it.
I couldn’t do this without the help of Ginger Clark, Holly Frederick, and Nick Beudert at Curtis Brown, who steered me through many adventures this year.
I am incredibly grateful for all the support I’ve gotten at Tor/Tor Teen, including but not limited to: Melissa Frain, Desirae Friesen, Patty Garcia, Amy Stapp, Amy Sefton, Todd Manza, and Marco Palmieri. Many thanks to Emma Goulder and everyone in the Tor art department for the wonderfully wicked covers of Cam.
(While we’re on that subject, if you want to know more about the disastrous pool party at Rimelda’s house, where Cam first met Pink, go find “That Seriously Obnoxious Time I Was Stuck at Witch Rimelda’s One Hundredth Birthday Party” on Tor.com. It’s a prequel to all the books, and has amazing cover art by Chris Buzelli of Pink facing a giant inflatable kraken.)
I went on a remarkable number of book-related adventures for Seriously Shifted. Thank you so much to Rosanne Parry for connecting me to fab Portland store Annie Bloom’s (you can now order signed/inscribed copies of my books through them!), Kate Ristau for connecting me to the wonderful store that is Another Read Through, and Jason Gurley for connecting me to the Barnes & Noble Bridgeport.
I had an amazing time at BEA, Norwescon, Westercon, WorldCon, PNBA, OCTE, Orycon, and Wordstock, and am deeply appreciative of the hard work that went into running those conventions.
I had a remarkably good time dancing onstage at the Nebulas in Chicago, and I have to say a special thank-you to the security guard at Chicago Midway airport who, upon hearing that I had lost my driver’s license, waved me through after studying my picture on the jacket of Seriously Wicked. (True story.)
I had an extra fabulous time at Houston Teen Book Con, and I want to give a shout-out to all the students I met there: those who helped run it, those who attended, and those who came up to say hi. You all made it seriously awesome.
Thanks as always to everyone who had me out for a reading/signing/general hootenanny, including Peter and Renee at Powell’s, Duane at U Books, Maryelizabeth at Mysterious Galaxy, Kristy at Corvallis Library, Mary at Grass Roots Books, Marchelle at B&N Bridgeport, and Elisa and Cal at Another Read Through. (Whew!)
A special thank-you to Matt Haynes and everyone with the Pulp Stage (Kaia! Racheal!) for both supporting my books and producing/performing in my plays for so many years now. It has been a wonderful journey.
Thank you to Cynthia for the delectable supply of baked goods, and Jenna, Kim, Tracy, Jill, Dale, and everyone else for the photos and social-media support. (As I type this I have finally acquired a real phone, guys!)
A random but heartfelt thank-you to a nice man named John I met on the train during last November’s book tour, who showed me that there were people working for good in the world, at a time when I was very grateful to hear it.
An extra-special thank-you to my dad, who, besides reading drafts and listening to me brainstorm, had strong opinions about what should happen with Cam’s dad.
As always, a sincere thank-you to Eric and the rest of my marvelous family, who are always there for me, who help me (so! much!), and who believe in me that I can do the thing.
To all of you who have read this far, I want to tell you, very sincerely, that I, too, believe in you. You can make a difference. You can do the thing.
Portland, Oregon
January 2017
Tor Books by Tina Connolly
Ironskin
Copperhead
Silverblind
Seriously Wicked
Seriously Shifted
Seriously Hexed
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TINA CONNOLLY lives with her family in Portland, Oregon, in a house that came with a dragon in the basement and blackberry vines in the attic. Her stories have appeared all over, including in Strange Horizons, Lightspeed, and Beneath Ceaseless Skies. She is a frequent reader for PodCastle and narrates the Parsec-winning flash fiction podcast Toasted Cake. In the summer, she works as a face painter, which means a glitter-filled house is an occupational hazard. Learn more at www.tinaconnolly.com, or sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
1. Just a Regular Saturday Night, Except for All the Witches
2. A Seriously Bad Hex
3. Vanished, of Course, Never Thinks of Anyone but Herself
4. Two Mothers Minus Two Mothers
5. Hurtling Doom
6. Full Moon
7. Adventures in Babysitting a Werewolf
8. Out of the Frying Pan, into the Terrible Teleportation Spell
9. Witches Are Positively Ungrateful
10. Lily Puts Her Foot Down
11. I Am Not a Fan of Poppy’s Four A.M. Ideas
12. The First Recording
13. Superior Witch Is Superior
14. Some Boys Have No Sense, That’s All
15. A Phone Call from Sparkle
16. A Bargain with a Demon
17. Apps, Allies, and Turning Points in History
18. N-space
Epilogue One
Epilogue Two
Appendix of Spells and Other Ephemera
Acknowledgments
Tor Books by Tina Connolly
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
SERIOUSLY HEXED
Copyright © 2017 by Tina Connolly
All rights reserved.
Cover art by Emma Goulter/Trevillion Images
A Tor Teen Book
Published by Tom Doherty Associates
175 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10010
www.tor-forge.com
Tor® is a registered trademark of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC.
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-7653-8377-8 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-4668-9323-8 (ebook)
eISBN 9781466893238
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at [email protected].
First Edition: November 2017
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