by Emily Giffin
Her lower lip protrudes. "C'mon, just a little longer. I can't do this without you!" And then she says to our salesgirl, "No offense to you."
The girl smiles as if she totally understands, no offense taken. She recognizes the truth of what Darcy is saying and is probably wondering what kind of a maid of honor leaves the bride during such a pivotal moment.
I take a deep breath and tell her that I can stay a few more minutes. She samples more tubes, wiping her lips with a makeup-removing lotion between hues of pink.
"How about this one?"
"Nice." I smile earnestly.
"Well, nice doesn't cut it!" she snaps. "It has to be perfect. I have to look perfect!"
As I study her pouty, berry-stained, bee-stung lips, any trace of remorse is gone. All I feel is solid, full-blown resentment.
Why does everything have to be perfect for you? Why does it all have to be handed to you in a perfect package all wrapped up with a Martha Stewart bow? What did you do to deserve Dex? I met him first. I introduced him to you. I should have gone for him. Why didn't I, again? Oh, right, because I thought I wasn't good enough for him. Well, I was mistaken. I obviously misjudged the situation. It can happen… especially when one has a friend like you, a friend who assumes that she has a right to the best of everything, a friend who is so relentless in her quest to outshine you that you even begin to underestimate yourself, set your sights low. This is your fault, Darcy, for taking what should have been mine in the first place.
I am keyed up and absolutely desperate to get away from her. I look at my watch and sigh, almost believing that I really do have to go to work and that Darcy is being inconsiderate, as usual, taking advantage of my time. I think my job is a little more important than your lipstick for an event that is still months away1.
"I'm sorry. Darce-it's not my fault that I have to work."
"Fine."
"It's not my fault," I say again.
Not my fault.
My feelings for Dex are not my fault.
And his feelings for me-and I know they are real-are not his fault.
Before I can escape, Darcy calls Claire on her cell. Has she tried Bobbi Brown? I can hear Claire inquire, and then state with the authority of Bride's magazine that they have a beautiful bridal line and their lipstick has plenty of moisture but not too much shine.
"Will you come meet me now?" Darcy pleads into the phone. Her sense of entitlement knows no bounds.
She hangs up the phone and tells me that I am free to go, that Claire will be straight over. She waves at me; I am being dismissed.
"Good-bye," I say. "I'll speak to you later?"
"Sure. Whatever. Bye."
As I turn to leave, she issues a final warning. "If you're not careful, I'm going to have to demote you to lowly bridesmaid and give Claire your honored position."
So much for just like sisters.
I call Dexter's cell phone the second I am out of sight. It is a low move, making the call while Darcy does wedding errands, but I am running off the steam of indignation. That's what she gets for being so demanding, domineering, and self-centered.
"Where are you?" I ask Dex after we exchange hellos.
"Home."
"Oh."
"Where are you? I thought you were shopping.'
"I was. But I said I had to work."
I notice that we are both dancing around any direct mention of Darcy.
"Well, do you have to work?" he asks tentatively.
"Not really."
"Good. Me either. Can I see you?"
"I'll be home in twenty minutes."
Dex beats me to my apartment and is waiting in my lobby making small talk with Jose about the Mets. I am so happy to see him, relieved to be away from Darcy. I smile and say hello, wondering if Jose recognizes Dex from past visits with Darcy. I hope he doesn't. It's not just my parents from whom I want approval. I even want it from my doorman.
Dex and I ride the elevator and walk down the hall to my apartment. I am jittery with anticipation, eager for his touch. We sit on my couch. He takes my hands and we start kissing with an urgency that feels like an affair. It is a serious word-a scary word. It conjures images of Sunday school and the Ten Commandments. But it is not adultery. Nobody is married. Yet. I push it all out of my mind as I kiss Dex. There will be no more guilt, not for this next parcel of time.
Suddenly, perching on the couch seems ridiculous. My bed would be so much more comfortable. Nothing more has to happen just because we're on a bed. That is a teenager's perception. I am a grown woman with life experience (albeit limited), and I can control myself on my own bed. I stand up and lead him over to the other side of my studio. He follows me, still holding my hand. We sit on the foot of the bed. Dex slips his feet out of his loafers. He is not wearing socks. He moves his big toes up and down and then rubs his feet together. He has high, graceful arches and slender ankles.
"Come here," he says, pulling me against him and both of us up toward my pillows. He is strong, his skin warm. We are now on our sides, our bodies against each other. He kisses me more, and we topple over in his direction. He stops kissing me suddenly, clears his throat, and says, "It's so strange. Being with you like this. And yet it also feels so natural. Maybe because we've been friends for so long."
I tell him I know exactly what he means. I think back to law school. We weren't best friends in those days, but we were close enough to learn a lot about each other, stuff that comes out even when your focus is on contributory negligence and ways to rescind a contract. I mentally catalog all that I learned about Dex in the pre-Darcy days. That he grew up in Westchester. That he is Catholic. That he played basketball in high school and considered walking on at Georgetown. That he has an older sister named Tessa who went to Cornell and now teaches high school English in Buffalo. That his parents divorced when he was very young. That his father remarried. That his mother beat breast cancer.
And then there was all that I learned via Darcy, details of his personal life that I've found myself conjuring and pondering in recent days. Like that Dex is grouchy in the morning. That he does at least fifty push-ups before bed every night and that he never leaves dirty dishes on the counter. That he broke down when his grandfather died, the only time she has ever seen him cry. That he had two serious girlfriends before Darcy and that the one named Suzanne Cohen, who worked as a research analyst at Goldman Sachs, dumped him and broke his heart.
When I add it all up, I know a lot. But I want more. "Tell me everything about yourself," I say, sounding eighteen.
Dex touches my face and then draws an imaginary line along my nose and around my mouth, resting his finger on my chin. "You first. You're the mysterious one."
I laugh. "Hardly," I say, thinking that he is confusing being shy with being mysterious.
"You are. You were a closed book in law school. All quiet, not wanting to date anyone-despite plenty of guys trying… I could never get much out of you."
I laugh again. "What's that supposed to mean? I told you plenty in law school."
"Like what?"
I rattle off some autobiographical details.
"I'm not talking about stuff like that," he says. "I'm talking about the important things. How you feel about things."
"I hated Zigman," I offer weakly.
"I know. Your fear was all-consuming. And then you did a great job when he finally called on you."
"I did not," I say, remembering how I stumbled my way through a long, painful line of questioning.
"Yes you did. You just didn't think you did. You don't see yourself the way you are."
I avert my eyes, focus on a spot of ink on my comforter.
He continues. "You see yourself as very average, ordinary. And there is nothing ordinary about you, Rachel."
I can't look back at him. My face burns.
"And I know that you blush when you're embarrassed." He smiles.
"No I don't!" I cover my face with one hand and roll my eyes.
"
Yes you do. You're adorable. And yet you have no idea, which is the most adorable part."
Nobody, not even my mother, has ever called me adorable.
"And you are beautiful. Absolutely, stunningly beautiful in the freshest, most natural way. You look like one of those Ivory girls. Remember those commercials?… You're probably too young. You're like a J.Crew model. All natural."
I tell him to please stop. Even though I love what he has just told me.
"It's true."
I want to believe him.
He kisses my neck, his left hand resting on my hip.
"Dex."
"Hmmm?"
"Who ever said I didn't want to date in law school?"
"Well, you didn't, did you? You were there to learn, not date. That was clear."
"I went out with Nate."
"Not until the very end."
"He didn't ask me out until the very end."
"Brave guy."
I roll my eyes.
"I almost asked you out, you know that?"
I laugh at this.
"It's true," he says, sounding a little bit hurt.
I give him a dubious look.
"Do you remember that time when we were studying for our Torts final?"
I picture his thumb on my face, wiping away my tear. So it had meant something.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?"
My face feels hot as I nod. "I think so. Yeah."
"And when I asked to walk you home, you said no. Shot me down."
"I didn't shoot you down!"
"You were all business."
"I wasn't. I just didn't think at the time…" My voice trails off.
"Yeah, and then you introduced me to Darcy. I knew then that you had zero interest."
"I just didn't think… I didn't know you saw me that way."
"I loved spending time with you," Dex says. "Still do." He stares at me, unblinking.
I tell him that he blinks less than anyone I have ever met. He smiles, says he has never lost a staring contest. I challenge him, making my eyes as wide as his. I notice that he has a dark speck in his left iris, like an eye freckle.
Seconds later, I blink. He flashes a quick, jubilant smile and then kisses me more. He changes the intensity and pressure and amount of tongue, the kissing ideals that are all too often abandoned once in a long-term relationship. Kissing Dex would never become stale. He would never stop kissing me like this.
"Tell me about Suzanne," I say when we finally separate. "And your high school girlfriend."
"Alice?" He laughs, sweeps a piece of my hair behind my ear. "What about her? Ancient history."
Everyone knows that you don't discuss exes when you're in a fledgling relationship. Even though you are dying to know those details from the very beginning, that is something you bring up much later in the game. You don't have to be a Rules Girl like Claire to have that concept down. Dating someone new is a fresh start for both of you. No good can come from rehashing past-and by definition failed-relationships. But compared to the fact that he is engaged, ex-girlfriends are an innocuous topic. There is no need to strategize here in my safe studio. The rules don't apply. It might be the only advantage to our situation.
"Were you in love with them?" For some reason I need to know.
He rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling, concentrating. I like that he thinks about my questions, just as he did during law-school exams. I remember him staring into space for the first forty-five minutes of an exam. Not writing a word on his blue book until he thought through his entire answer.
He clears his throat. "Not with Alice. But yes with Suzanne."
No wonder Suzanne has always bothered Darcy so much. She wants to be the only one he has ever loved. I remember how she used to beat down Blaine in high school: "You didn't love Cassandra, did you? Did you?" Until he finally just said no. Only you, Darcy.
"Why not with Alice?" I ask. I'd rather hear about the one he didn't love first.
"I don't know. She was a sweet girl. As sweet as they come. I don't know why I didn't love her. It's something you can't really control."
Dex is right. It has nothing to do with the other person's inherent worth, the sum of their fine attributes. It is something you can't will yourself to feel. Or not feel. Although I have done a pretty good job of it over the years. Just look at Joey. I dated him for two years and never felt even a fraction of what I'm feeling now.
"Of course, it was just high school," he continues. "How serious can you really be at that age?"
I nod, thinking of sweet little Brandon. Then I ask Dex about Suzanne. "So you loved her?"
"Yeah. But that wasn't going to work in the long run. She's Jewish and was very up-front about her expectations of me. She wanted me to convert, raise our kids Jewish, the whole nine yards. And maybe I would have been okay with that… I'm not very religious… but I wasn't okay with the fact that she made it a bright-line rule. I saw a life of her browbeating me into shit. Just like her mother does to her father. Besides, we were too young to commit… It still killed me when she walked, though."
"Is she married now?"
"Funny you ask that. I actually just heard from a mutual friend that she got engaged. About a month after-" He stops, looks uncomfortable.
"After you did?"
"Yeah," he whispers. He pulls me against him and kisses me hard, erasing any thoughts of Darcy. We undress and slide under the covers.
"You're cold," he says.
"I'm always cold when I'm nervous."
"Why are you nervous? Don't be nervous."
"Dex," I say into his neck.
"Yeah, Rach?"
"Nothing."
His body covers mine. I am not cold anymore.
We kiss for a long time, touching everywhere.
I don't know the time, but it is just getting dark.
I almost stop him, for all of the obvious reasons. But also because I'm thinking we should wait until we can spend a night together. Then again, that might never happen. And likely I will never shower with him, watch him shave in the morning. Or read the Sunday Times over coffee, whiling away the hours. We'll never hold hands in Central Park or cuddle on a blanket in Sheep's Meadow. But I can have him now. Nothing is stopping us from this moment.
I can see just a fraction of Dexter as we move together-his sideburn with a trace of gray, his strong shoulder, his seashell of an ear. My fingertips graze his collarbone, then hold on more tightly.
Chapter 10
I can't stop thinking about Dex. I know that we won't end up togethei, that he will marry Darcy in September. But I am content to live in the moment, and allow myself the daily pleasure of obsessing. Nothing lasts forever, I tell myself. Especially the good stuff. Although typically you aren't faced with a hard deadline. I think of a few other examples of concrete, predetermined endings. Take college, for example. I knew that I would go away for four years, accumulate friends and memories and knowledge, and that it would all come to an abrupt end on a set date. I knew that on this day, I would collect my diploma and pile my belongings into a U-Haul bound for Indiana, and the Duke experience would be done. A chapter closed forever. But that awareness didn't stop me from enjoying myself, sucking all of the joy out of the deal.
So that is what I am doing with Dex. I am not going to dwell on the end at the expense of the here and now.
Tonight I am home when Dex phones from work to say a quick hello and tell me that he misses me. It is the sort of call a boyfriend makes to his girlfriend. Nothing covert or complicated about it. I pretend that we are together for real. The phone rings again a second after we hang up.
"Hey," I say, in the same hushed tone, thinking that it is only a follow-up call from Dex.
"What's that voice?" Darcy asks, yanking me back to reality.
"What voice?" I ask. "I'm just tired. What's going on?"
She launches into the details of her latest work crisis, which typically amounts to no more than a pa
per jam at the copier. This one is no exception. A typo on a flyer for a club opening. I resist the urge to tell her that the target audience won't notice a misspelling, and instead ask her who is going to the Hamptons this weekend. I feel my senses heighten, anticipating Dexter's name. He already told me that he was going, convincing me that I had to go too. It will be awkward, but worth it, he said. He has to see me.
"Not sure. Claire might be having friends in town. Dex is in."
"Oh, really? He doesn't have to work?" I ask, sounding a bit too surprised. I feel a stab of worry, but Darcy doesn't notice my false tone.
"No, he just finished with some big deal," she says.
"Which deal?"
"I don't know. Some deal."
Dexter's job bores Darcy. I have observed the way she can shut him down, interrupting him in the middle of a story, transitioning back to her own petty concerns. Am I fat? Does this look good on me? Will you come there with me? Do that for me. Reassure me. Me. Me. Me.
As if on cue, she tells me that she is considering sending in a tape to
Big Brother, that it would be fun to be on the show. Fun for an exhibi-tionist. I can think of few things more horrifying than being on national television, out there for the world to judge, assess, tear apart.
"Do you think I'd get picked?" she asks.
"You'd have a good chance."
She is pretty enough to get picked, and she has a vivid personality-exactly what they look for on reality television. I study my own face in the mirror, think of Dex telling me that I look like a J.Crew model. Maybe I am attractive. But I am nowhere near as pretty as Darcy, with her precise features, incredible cheekbones, bow-shaped lips.
Now she is laughing loudly into the phone, telling me another story about her day. She hurts my ears. The word "strident" comes to mind, and as I study my reflection again, I decide that although I'm far from beautiful, perhaps I have a softness that she lacks.
It is Thursday, the day before we leave for the Hamptons. Dex is over. We had planned on waiting until next week to see each other alone, but we both finished work early. And well, here we are, together again. We have already made love once. Now I am resting my head on his chest. As he breathes, his chest lifts my face slightly. Neither of us speaks for a long time, then he asks suddenly, "What are we doing?"
