by Rose Marini
The server nodded, responding, “I’d be happy to. Chef Taylor always likes to speak to our guests.”
Allison smiled and thanked him. As she’d gotten to know Ben, she’d come to value his quiet wisdom and perceptive nature. She explained this to Emma, relieved that she didn’t bat an eye at the fact that Ben and Devon were in a relationship.
“So, you don’t have a roommate here? I hope Sammy’s a good guard dog since you’re living alone.”
Allison laughed, “Well, if by guarding you mean attacking everyone who comes to the door with kisses, then yes! I’m sure he would defend me if I needed it, but I’ve actually only seen him growl at one person. He was absolutely right, something I unfortunately didn’t realize until much later.”
“Really? Who was it?”
“Well, it was someone I was dating. I introduced Sammy and the fur on the back of his neck stood straight up, he planted himself right in front of me and growled. Nothing I said would get him to back down. I eventually had to take him home. He was spot on though—she turned out to be a huge mistake.” She stuttered a moment, realizing she had just unwittingly revealed that she had dated women in the past. I doubt she’s that surprised, a voice in the back of her head snickered, given that you kissed her and asked her on a date.
Emma sensed her nervousness and assumed that Allison was worried about Emma’s reaction to her expression of her sexuality. Careful to keep her voice free of surprise—although obviously she had wondered about Allison’s sexuality during the last few days, it was still unexpected to hear such a revelation from someone who had been a close friend—Emma probed, “Now you have to tell the story, what did she do?”
Relieved at Emma’s nonresponse, Allison exclaimed, “Oh my god, I don’t even know where to start with her… I should’ve listened to Sammy and run for the hills. By the end of the relationship she had pawned off half my belongings to buy heroin, slept with her dealer in my apartment while I was out of town, and tried to cut off my hair while I was asleep after I broke up with her.”
Emma goggled at her. “Where in the world did you meet this woman?!”
“Um… It might’ve been in a parking lot… She might’ve honked at me as she drove by…”
“And that wasn’t a warning sign?!” Emma questioned incredulously.
“Well… she was really cute and she seemed normal at first! Quirky, outgoing, smart… She had a stable job, supportive family, no red flags at all. I had no idea she would start using drugs. Things were great for the first year, it was all rainbows and picnics and laughter...”
Her voice trailed off. The tortured look in her eyes tugged at Emma’s heart. Allison traced a pattern on the table with her thumb, memories holding her mind hostage.
She swallowed and continued, “She was a great distraction from med school, I was in my second year at the time. We were inseparable. Then she started spending time with some new friends from work, which is when she started using drugs. She didn’t tell me for a while; she knew I wouldn’t approve. At first it was just occasionally, when she went out with them on the weekends. Over the course of a few months—it happened so fast, looking back—she started using every day. She graduated from coke to heroin, and that’s when she lost her job. It turned out that she had some pretty significant childhood trauma that she really struggled to cope with.
“Even after I found out she was using, I stuck around for a while. I mean, I really loved her, and she seemed serious about getting clean. It’s such a cruel disease, addiction. She went to rehab and I think she really was sober for a few months, but it didn’t last long. Honestly, it wasn’t the drugs that made me end it—it was the cruel, manipulative person that she turned into when she was trying to get drugs. In the end, she wasn’t the woman I fell in love with, and our relationship became toxic for both of us. Anyways, last I heard she had checked herself back into rehab. I hope it works this time. It just became too much for me to try to love her through. I do wonder if I should’ve stayed… but I don’t think I was helping her in the end. That’s what she said, at least.”
Emma spoke gently. “It’s a good sign that she’s voluntarily seeking help, and even better that she has a good support system around her. It sounds like it was a really tough situation, and you did your best to be there for her. You can’t fix everyone, Ally, and you deserve to have a relationship that is healthy and happy all around.”
Allison gave her a hesitant smile. “Thank you. You’re right, it really took a toll on me. I actually haven’t dated anyone since. It was just such a complete personality change; she started out as such a sweet and down to earth person, and by the end she was mean and deceitful.”
Emma nodded. “I’m not surprised it still affects you. It must be so unnerving to watch someone you know and love turn into a completely different person than who you thought they were.”
“Exactly. It’s made me really nervous about new relationships because I’m always questioning my judgment. I was wrong about her, so what if I’m wrong about this person too? Plus, my grades absolutely tanked. I was trying to take care of her, keep her safe, keep her out of jail, get her into therapy… And studying just kind of fell by the wayside. I would have failed out of med school if it wasn’t for the help of my professors and an incredibly kind administrator who went above and beyond for me. I was lucky. After that, I resolved to never let my dating life interfere with my career. It was just easier to not be involved with anyone.”
Allison suddenly realized that it was their first date and she was already revealing her deepest insecurities to Emma. Odd, given that she didn’t share deeply personal details easily. Emma’s warm blue eyes were simply too kind and understanding, melting away Allison’s defenses. Reddening slightly, she rushed to change the subject.
“Well, what about you? Are you seeing anyone? Any terrible dating stories? Bet you can’t top mine,” she laughed.
Emma giggled, “Nope, I definitely can’t beat that story. No crazy exes in my past, I’m afraid. No serious relationships at all, honestly. I’ve dated a few guys over the years but none of them lasted very long. I just haven’t found anyone that I click with, I suppose. Besides, the rigor of med school and residency isn’t exactly conducive to meeting anyone besides your colleagues.”
Allison tried to ignore the adrenaline that rushed through her veins at the revelation that Emma was single. She had assumed so, given that she hadn’t heard otherwise through the grapevine at the hospital, but the confirmation sent waves of excitement through her body that countered the disappointment elicited by the fact that she hadn’t mentioned anything about dating women.
Ben appeared at their table, saving Allison from needing to craft a response.
“I didn’t know you’d be here tonight, Allison! And you must be Emma,” he commented sagely as he turned to the blonde woman. Emma raised her eyebrows and shot a glance at a blushing Allison, secretly thrilled that the other woman had clearly been talking about her. They chatted with Ben until he excused himself to return to the kitchen.
“I can see why you like him. He seems really great,” Emma commented.
“He absolutely is. I’m so glad I sat next to Devon at orientation! They’re some of the warmest, most welcoming people I’ve ever met.”
The rest of the evening passed in a blur of laughter and easy conversation. They made their way toward their respective cars, lingering at the corner where they were to part ways.
Nerves fizzled over Emma’s skin as she said shyly, “I had fun today. Thanks for…asking me, Ally.”
Allison gave a wide smile and stepped forward. “I had fun too. Thanks for coming with me.”
The breath caught in Emma’s throat. Allison was close—too close. They were in the middle of the street, in public! Allison saw her eyes dart nervously around them and commented in a husky voice, “It’s okay, there’s no one around. Just you and me.”
Her words sank through Emma’s core, sending ripples of desire through her body. She tr
ied to respond but couldn’t form words. Allison’s lips pressed against hers gently. This wasn’t the adrenaline-fueled, passionate kiss from their first encounter; it was cautious exploration, sweet and tender. Their bodies settled together like perfect puzzle pieces. When they finally broke apart, Allison was pleased to see that Emma’s breath was ragged too.
Holding her breath, Allison commented, “So… I’d like to do this again.”
Head foggy with desire, Emma responded immediately, words tumbling over each other, “Yes please. I mean, I would like that too.”
Allison leaned forward once more and pressed her lips to Emma’s cheek. Emma watched Allison’s hips sway away from her, frozen by the goodnight Allison had whispered in her ear. Goosebumps prickled over her skin; her heartbeat thudded in her ears. She felt disoriented, as though the earth’s axis had suddenly shifted. That was right, a voice echoed grandly in the back of her mind. Touching Allison, being touched by her… The words sank through her mind, clear as if they had been spoken. Of course, yes, of course, of course.
* * *
Emma was grateful that Sarah was already in bed when she returned home. She had enough on her mind without enduring her best friend’s all-too-knowing questions. Her head spun—obviously from the cocktail, not the mind-blowing kiss she had just experienced, she told herself. Feeling as though she was in a dream, she flopped onto her bed, stroking a purring Louie as he settled on her chest.
As a physician, she had sworn many years ago to treat her patients equally, regardless of their life choices or circumstances. Contrary to the way she was raised, she had stopped judging people for who they loved a long time ago. She had always figured it wasn’t any of her business. But it was much harder to ignore the teachings she had heard her whole life when it came to her own sexuality. Her stomach hurt; it was hard to breathe. Tears filled her eyes as voices swirled in her head unbidden.
“Being homosexual is an unacceptable sin….”
“God made one man and one woman…”
“Ew, gays are disgusting…”
“…deserves to be cast into the pits of Hell.”
The internal doubt that she had managed to bury for so many years bubbled to the surface. Was this why she never particularly liked the men she had dated, even when they were perfectly sweet and attractive? No, she decided, she just hadn’t met the right guy yet. She wasn’t into girls. Her attraction to Allison was simply a desire for friendship with an amazing person, nothing more. But still, that feeling of rightness haunted her. Her body clamored the truth as her mind warred against it.
Ignoring the sinking feeling in her stomach, she resolved to tell Allison just that the next time they met. She rehearsed her statement in her head. I had a great time, Ally, but I’m not interested in women in a romantic way and I don’t want to lead you on. I’m sorry. I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship. I would really like to stay friends, if you’re willing.
The words swirled around and around her head as she waited for sleep’s reprieve.
* * *
“Well, there’s the sleepyhead,” Sarah greeted her with a smirk the next morning. “Late night?”
“Not really,” Emma answered shortly.
“Sooo?” Sarah drew out the word in an expectant manner.
Emma rolled her eyes. “It was fine. The booths had some great art and we went to dinner at that new modern restaurant downtown.”
Sarah waved this information away. “Yes, but how was the date?”
“I said it was fine, okay?”
Sarah peered at her, noting the dark circles under her eyes. Emma sighed. “I’m sorry I’m being snappy. I’m just tired.”
“It’s okay, I’m sorry I’ve been prying. It’s really not any of my business anyways.” She paused, wanting to say more but deterred by the closed expression on Emma’s face. “Hey, I’ll see you after work, right? I shouldn’t be in the office for too long, hopefully, since it’s Saturday! Should we do our usual Thai food for dinner?”
Emma gave her a small smile. “That sounds great. Thanks, Sarah.”
Sarah grabbed her laptop bag and headed for the door. She was reaching for the handle when Emma called after her, a pained note sounding through her hesitancy.
“Sarah? Do you think… do you think what they taught us about being homosexual in church was right?
Sarah’s normally abrupt voice softened as she looked at Emma with concern. She had long wondered about her friend’s sexuality but, not wanting to pry into a sensitive topic, had taken her lead from Emma and never brought it up.
“No, I don’t. Maybe we never talked about this, but it’s actually one of the reasons I left the church. I didn’t like how cruel the leadership was towards people who didn’t identify as straight. Even in high school it didn’t feel right to me—how could it be wrong when it just meant that there was more love in the world? And then I went to college and met so many wonderful queer people, people who were kind and generous. And they had some of the most selfless, healthy relationships I had ever seen; they didn’t look like the twisted, horrifying relationships we had been told about in church. So I started to do my own research and interpretation instead of relying on others’ opinions. The more I read, the more convinced I became that many people have misinterpreted the Bible about the issue. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay, morally or otherwise. As long as it isn’t hurting anyone, if people are healthy and happy, then I have no qualms supporting it.”
Emma’s lip quivered; a flicker of warmth lit underneath her ribs. Maybe she had been wrong; maybe she could be attracted to Allison without hating herself. Sarah watched her, heart aching at the obvious war going on inside her best friend’s mind. Impulsively, she stepped forward and pulled Emma into a hug.
“It’ll be okay, Emma. And I’ve got your back no matter what.”
Touched—Sarah wasn’t usually the affectionate type—Emma squeezed her for a second and murmured her thanks.
Sarah walked out the door, yelling, “Thai food, don’t forget!”
Emma stood in the kitchen a moment longer, marveling at how easily Sarah accepted her question and its implied meaning. The warm glow in her chest grew. It felt like healing.
5
Allison resisted the urge to reach out to Emma for almost thirty-six hours after their date. Knowing that this was a new situation for the other woman, she held off, not wanting to seem too pushy. Her impatience won out, however; when Sunday arrived with still no word from Emma, Allison caved and dialed Emma’s number. She held her breath as it rang, then sighed when she reached the automated voicemail. Panicked—she hadn’t planned what she would say in a voicemail!—she hung up and tossed the phone on the couch. Not ten seconds later, a medley of bells chimed. She snatched the phone, a wide grin spreading across her face at the name on the screen.
“Hey, Em!”
“Hi, sorry I missed your call! What’s up? How’re you?”
“No worries. I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out today. I know it’s last minute so you’re probably busy and I’m probably interrupting whatever you’ve got going on…” Allison’s voice trailed away uncertainly.
Emma rapidly responded, “No, no, I’m not busy at all! I’d love to see you.”
Sarah, who was listening to Emma’s side of the conversation, looked at the crime show they had just paused and rolled her eyes.
Allison’s enthusiasm practically shone through the phone. “Okay, great! Do you want to grab coffee or dinner or something else?”
Emma eyed the wispy clouds scattered across blue sky out the window. “It’s so nice out today—let’s do something outside.” She thought for a moment. “Actually, I know the perfect place! Wear some tennis shoes and clothes you don’t mind getting dirty, text me your address, and I’ll pick you up in thirty minutes.”
They said their goodbyes; Allison hung up and danced around the kitchen as Sammy wagged his tail ferociously at her antics. Meanwhile, Emma jumped up from
the couch, looking at Sarah apologetically. “Oh, go on then,” Sarah sighed dramatically. “I see how it is—you start dating someone and suddenly I’m chopped liver. Just don’t forget I was the one who convinced you to go out with her in the first place, so you owe me!”
Emma laughed and kissed Sarah’s cheek. “You are the best friend ever. Thank you, thank you!” Grinning, she raced to change clothes.
“You better get me a really, really good birthday present!” Sarah called to her.
“A trip to that fancy new spa you keep talking about, I know, I know,” Emma yelled back to her as she tugged a light blue t-shirt over her head.
* * *
Emma’s red SUV pulled up to Allison’s house a few minutes later. She rang the bell, admiring the inviting pink and yellow flowers framing the front step. Sammy’s ecstatic face greeted her, his tongue covering the window next to the door with slobber.
Allison opened the door; Sammy launched himself at the blonde woman.
“Well, he obviously adores you,” Allison laughed.
“The feeling is mutual!” Emma exclaimed, scratching the dog behind the ear as he enthusiastically licked her hand and arm. “He can come with us, right? The place we’re going is dog friendly.”
“I’m sure he’d love that. Let me just grab his leash and some water.”
They settled into the car that Emma had frantically cleaned minutes before. “Thanks for picking me up,” Allison commented.
“Sure, it’s no problem,” Emma replied. The silence stretched between them. Suddenly nervous, Emma wracked her brain for something to say. Her ability to form rational thoughts always seemed to slip away when she was near Ally. Fortunately, Allison didn’t seem to have the same problem.
