by Terry Bisson
I wasn’t even tempted to click on I Agree. It wasn’t what I wanted.
I clicked BACK until I found her putting on her lipstick.
Deep Rose.
I left it there. What I wanted was to read her lips with mine. * * *
“What’s with the hard candy,” I said. “Are you trying to quit smoking?”
“Hardly.” She reached for my Camels, tapping the pack on the bar. “A girl likes to have something to suck.”
“Sorry, guys,” said Lou. “I got a complaint. You’ll have to take the cigarettes outside.”
“We have to talk,” I said, outside. “I’m thinking of quitting my job.”
“I’ve been thinking too,” she said, in the elevator, looking up at me. I leaned over to kiss her but she stepped back, just one step.
The elevator door opened.
“Don’t do anything rash,” she said, glancing at my Fauxlex. “You still have one client left.”
I was feeling rash. “I’m feeling rash,” I said.
“It’s a sort of new feeling, isn’t it,” she said, hanging the Burberry carefully over its chair. “For such as us.”
I nodded. She was wearing little pink panties, and the not-so-little pink bra. The original again. I sat down on the rug and checked the TV. 9865.
“You could make them go away,” I said.
“Too soon,” she said. She pointed at the TV: 9904. “My XLinteL99 is not quite paid for.”
“I can help,” I said. “How much do you owe?”
“You’re already helping,” she said, sitting down on the couch across from me. She opened her thighs to show me her little silk road.
“I want to be alone with you,” I said. “Is that too much to ask?”
“What about your cyberhosting job? You still have one client left.”
“I know how get rid of him,” I said. I reached for her hand but she pulled it back. Teasing me?
“Not so fast,” she said. “Look.”
We both looked. 10007.
“Now we can talk alone.”
She reached behind her back to unhook her bra, the most intimate of moves. It would be ungentlemanly to say just what she showed me; and more ungentlemanly still to deny the glow they gave me.
The light on the TV was green at 10011, 10012, then suddenly red. 00000.
“Alone at last,” she said. “My XLinteL99 is finally paid off. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?”
“Read my lips,” I said, getting up from the rug. “I still have one client to get rid of. And I know how to do it.”
I reached for her hand but she pulled it back. “Not so fast,” she said. “I have something to show your last client. A little farewell gift. I want you to feel the glow.”
She slipped her fingertips under the waistband of her panties, just like in the still, and pulled them off. She lay back on the couch with her eyes closed. “You always said you were sort of a looker.”
I sat back down. Her very white thighs were opened, very wide.
“You’re something of a looker too,” I said. It was only one client, but the glow was strong.
“I suppose I am,” she said. She reached out to take my hand and the glow was gone as my last client was bounced. Replaced by a stronger, more intimate glow.
“I like this glow better,” I said, and I kissed her.
And she kissed me. Our tongues played chase in her mouth and then in mine, and then—
“What’s this?” I said. Mumbled.
She spit it out, delicately, into her hand.
It was a chip. Why was I not surprised?
“Double the pleasure,” she said, tossing it onto the rug. “And double the fun. Now come here.”
I came there.
Five o’clock came and went. She put on her lipstick, a touch-up, and that was all. Deep Rose.
“It’s Rose,” I said. “Your name. I finally got it.”
“I was beginning to wonder,” she said, pulling on her panties and lighting a Camel, our last one. It was also white. She left off the little pink brassiere.
Her not so little nipples were also pink. Wet pink now.
“I guess we’re both out of a job,” she said. “What now?”
“You mean forever, or this evening?” I asked. I took the cigarette from her fingers, being careful to touch them as I did.
“Both,” she said. “Let’s start with this evening.”
“For that, my sweet Rose,” I said, “there are Protocols.” For once she looked worried. “Protocols?” “Chinese or Thai?” I said. “Eat out or order in?” “Thai,” she said, smiling. “And I’d hate to have to dress for dinner.”
“I Agree,” I said, picking up the phone.
Pirates of the Somali Coast
From: [email protected]
Subject: CRUISE
Date: July 20, 2007 9:54 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Yo ho ho from your son on the High Sea at last. Aunt Bea says HLO. The cabin is so small but thats OK because the ship is so big. There aren’t many other kids aboard, mostly old folks like Unc and Aunt Bea. The ship doesn’t have any masts or sails but there are 2 swimming pools, one on deck and one inside that’s not so nice. The sailors don’t dress like sailers. They dress like waiters in a restraunt. Hope we see Pirates or have a big storm soon.
PS, thanks for the Pirate hat, Unc says it makes me look fearfull.
From: [email protected]
Subject: FRIGATE
Date: July 20, 2007 10:14 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Yo ho ho, its me, ahoy from the High Sea. I am sailing on the frigate African Princess. Its not really a frigate but a cruise ship filled with old people, but they have a Game Room where I can send email. Its send-only tho so I cant get any back. Mom and dad sent me on a cruise with my uncle and aunt (ugh). Well be gone a week. The games here suck but they have a kids version of Grand Theft Auto (duh). Maybe there will be sharks and Pirates. Or Rogue Waves like on that TV special.
From: [email protected]
Subject: CRUISE
Date: July 21, 2007 9:06 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
HI MOM
Aunt Bea says HLO. She wont go out much because she is sea sick almost every day even if the water is smooth. I am hoping for a Rogue Wave but so far everything is smooth. I saw a dolphin yesterday. They swim along the bow of the ship like they are racing it. That’s the front. Tell dad HLO. Unc is in the Casino all day. He doesnt like the ocean much. He told me to muse my self so I am in the Game Room where there are 6 computers. The food is xcelent and we can have all the desert we want. There are 2 pools.
From: [email protected]
Subject: KNOTS
Date: July 21, 2007 10:34 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bugg
The ship is 22 thousand tons. I have a friend in the crew, his name is Curtis and hes from Cape Town like us. Hes Coloured but very cool. He has heard of Rogue Waves but never seen one. Hes not xactly an Old Salt! Yesterday we made 194 knots which is more than 200 miles. I wish the African Princess had sails instead of big engines you can’t even see. We saw a sail yesterday but it was just a yacht from Durban with a topless girl. Ugh. No Pirates yet! We are heading up the coast and will go through Suez next week. Curtis says its like driving through the desert. Maybe I will see a camel like the one we saw pissing on the school trip last year. And Arabs too! Its a canal.
From: [email protected]
Subject: CRUISE NEWS
Date: July 23, 2007 5:06 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
There is lots to do for kids but not many kids, only 6. Two of the boys are super stupid but one has a Gameboy. There is a movie theater xpecialy for us. Today they showed Pirates of the Caribbean with Johnny Depp. I sat next to a girl named Estelle from Johannesburg. She calls it Joeburg. I never herd t
hat before. Curtis my sailer friend, says there arent Pirates anymore and he’s glad but I am not. I am wearing the Pirate hat you gave me everyday. Curtis and the crew dress like people in restraunts. Unc says HLO. He is in the Casino all day and Aunt Bea is sea sick in the cabin so it smells super bad. They dont have any friends. wish you and Dad were here.
From: [email protected]
Subject: JOHNNY DEPP NOT
Date: July 24, 2007 10:34 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bugg
Saw a Pirate yesterday! NOT. It was just a crew sailer named Curtis in a Johnny Depp mask. They had a Pirate Day for the kids and they gave us all Pirate hats but theres were just paper. Mine was the only real one. Curtis made us all walk the plank at the pool. His cutlass was plastic. The girls wore there bathing suits (ugh). Then we had songs and Estelle tried to kiss me. She is crazy. Tomorrow we are crossing the Equator. It is an invisible line. Whats so hot about that? I wish there were real Pirates. The ocean is BO RING!
From: [email protected]
Subject: CRUISE
Date: July 25, 2007 5:06 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Unc lost a thousand Rand in the casino and said not to tell Aunt Bea, like I would. Aunt Bea is still sea sick even tho there are no waves at all. The sea is like a big pond. I wish we had a Rogue Wave. The cabin smells like vomit. Im sorry but it does. She says the whiskey helps but you wouldnt think so. It’s the same kind you took from her at Christmas, Cutty Sark. That was a clipper ship. This is not a real ship. There was an equator ceremony today and the captain was King Neptune. He is fat! I miss you and dad to.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 26, 2007 10:34 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Yohoho, guess what, today was Real Pirate day! They were in a speedboat without any sails. They raced along side the Princess and shot at us with machine guns. It was cool. They were standing up in the speedboat and firing like crazy. They hit one old man and took off the side of his head, just like in the Viking Raid game only that was an ax. The captain made the ship zig zag. We have no cannons or cutlasses whatso ever. They made all the kids hide in the Game Room. That’s where we are now. Estelle and I tried to sneak out to see the Pirates but they made us go back. She’s not so bad. We can hear the shooting tho.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 26, 2007 4:19 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Dude
The Pirates were all gone when they let us out. The old people are all crying even tho only one is dead. They all ready cleaned up all the blood. Estelle looked under the sheet and saw his half head. She likes Pirate stuff. Old people donlt like Pirates or adventure at all. Whats the point of a cruise then? More later
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 27, 2007 10:19 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Guess what, there were Pirates yesterday, but we got away with zig zags. I wanted to see them but the crew made us stay in the Game Room. One old man was killed. I have one friend, her name is Estelle. She’s the one from Joeburg. Aunt Bea wants to go home. Not me, tho. Things are Looking Up as Dad likes to say. Curtis says maybe more Pirates today. I have my fingers crossed. He is my Coloured sailer friend. You would like him. He doesnt say there arent any Pirates any more. Yo ho ho!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 27, 2007 10:19 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Big news! We have been captured by Pirates for real. Im not kidding. They are the same ones in the speedboat, but this time they had a little cannon. It was cool. They blew out all the windows out of the Bridge with one shot. That’s where the captain mans the wheel. Talk about glass every where. Then they boarded the ship, climbing up ropes just like in the movies. Nobody fought them. At first I thought they were fake because they all wore Johnny Depp masks but that was just to scare people. They are real Pirates, about twenty, all
Arabs. They wear scarfs instead of Pirate hats, but they all have guns. Some are machine guns. Can you believe my luck? They are making all the kids stay in the Game Room. But we can hear them all ready Plundering outside.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 28, 2007 10:19 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Its official. The African Princess has been captured by Pirates, and it’s very xciteing. They are real Pirates. They boarded us yesterday with ropes. At first they wore Johnny Depp masks but they were just plastic so they they took them off and locked all the men in the Casino. Most of them were there already anyway. They dont have any cutlass’s but they have machine guns and revolvers, plus lots of cool knives and a chainsaw to. I guess Aunt Bea is still in the cabin. I have to stay in the Game Room with the other kids. It smells better here!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE WEEK
Date: July 28, 2007 3:14 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Guess what, I met the Pirate captain. His name is Ali and he is just like Jack Sparrow, for real! I told him about Pirate Day and he said its Pirate Week now. Cool! He is the almost only one that knows English. Ali let me help with the Pillaging. He likes my hat. They lined up all the ladies and took their rings and jewels. Sometimes they just cut their fingers right off. I helped pick them up like little wurms. They were all begging for mercy, not the Pirates of course, they were laughing. Then they raped some. Ugh. That was like sex fighting. Pirates like the fat ones best. Theres lots of blood, xspecially on the stairs and they dont clean it up. It makes it more realistic. Yo ho ho
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE WEEK
Date: July 29, 2007 10:19 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Hello from the pirate ship African Princess. I told Ali they should change the name but they are all Arabs. They are Plundering and Pillaging all the grown ups. They call them Jew Pigs. Today they poured out all the whiskey, you would like that! Two of the men were drunk so they cut there throats Pirate style. Ali says its Pirate Week! He’s my favorite. Aunt Bea is hiding in the cabin tho. Still sea sick I guess, plus she doesn’t like Pirate stuff.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 29, 2007 1:21 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
The Pirates are sailing the ship now. some of the crew has joined them. Curtis who was my friend, didnt want to so they cut off his nose and threw him over board. I tried to tell him! I still have his nose. It’s a souvenir of Pirate Week.
Its fun to look over the rail, there are sharks everywhere. They seem very happy with there big grins (joke). Estelle and I tried to count them but we gave up at 100. She likes Pirates to. The other kids are hope less. More later. Yr pal .
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: July 30, 2007 10:06 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
The trip through Suez has been called off, according to the Pirates. I guess well be heading home soon. The head Pirate is called Ali. He has lots of real tattoos. The other pirates have to do like he says. He wears a scarf around his head and even has gold teeth and a little beard. I call him Jack Sparrow and he laughs and called me matey. He’s the only Pirate that speaks English and its None Too Good as Dad would say. I think he likes my Pirate hat. I have a cutlass but its plastic. I wish I had a real one.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: July 30, 2007 2:10 PM ADT
/>
To: [email protected]
Yo Bugg
Pirates like to hang people. There are no yardarms on the African Princess so they hang them from the railings. Most of them are pretty fat so they dont kick long. The kicking is the best part. They also pee in there pants (ugh). Ali lets me tie all the knots. Can you believe Pirates don’t know any knots?! I just do a bowline and a loop. I know that from Scouts and it looks noosey. You just add some xtra turns. Ali calls me Matey. He gave me a Pirate necklace made out of fingers. They are all curled up. Creepy!! I have another Pirate friend named Claude. Wish you were here. PS The worse thing about hanging is to pee in your pants!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE WEEK
Date: August 1, 2007 5:12 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Today we crossed the Equator again. Its an invisible line. One Pirate who is very cruel, his name is Claude was dressed up like Neptune the King of the Sea. He used the chain saw to push people in to the pool. Ali made them all line up. The Pirates were all having fun. It was the nice pool, the other ones not as nice, but now the water is pink with stuff floating in it (ugh) and Estelle is mad because she says they ruined the pool. She is a good diver. Love—
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE DAY
Date: August 2, 2007 10:19 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Everyday the Pirates kill people in funny ways. Some times they use the chain saw but its not traditional. Best of all was when they killed the captain. Hes this fat old dude in his underwear. They put a rat in his mouth and taped it shut with duck tape, then we got to watch the rat eat his face from inside. It took awhile but it was cool. Estelle got sick. They are Plundering like crazy. One old lady hid her gold in her bosom so they set her on fire. She was hard to light so they used gasoline. They poured it out of the chain saw over her big hair do. They borrowed a lighter from her husband. She was spinning around and knocking stuff over, so they pushed her overboard with sticks because she was to hot to touch. She made a hissing sound like fireworks when she hit the water. You know, the one they call the Snake. I hollered Yo Ho Ho and Ali just laughed. Did I tell you about Claude? He let me wear his Johnny Depp mask. He was in the French Foreign Legion and he speaks English to. I like him better than the Arabs Xcept for Ali.
