“You have to be quiet. Kayleigh’s sleeping.”
Glancing over at her bed, I can just barely see her head peeking out of the oversized comforter. She looks so peaceful. I can’t help but admire her features while they’re not contorted in anger or disgust. She’s so beautiful.
The feeling of Bree grabbing my hand pulls my attention back where it needs to be. I turn around and press a quick kiss to her lips, hoping she didn’t notice my staring. If she did, she doesn’t mention it. She climbs onto her bed and pats the spot next to her. The two of us decide on watching Die Hard, playing it with the volume obnoxiously low to keep from waking Sleeping Beauty over there.
Fortunately, Bree doesn’t notice when I watch Kayleigh sleep more than I watch the movie.
Chapter Eight
Brianna’s head rests against my shoulder as the movie plays. Kayleigh is still sound asleep. I don’t know how she could be so tired at five thirty in the evening. Her eyes flutter as if she’s dreaming about something. I wonder what it could be about.
“Holden?” Bree whispers, getting my attention. “I love you.”
Upon hearing those three little words, a feeling washes over my entire body, but it’s not a good one. She loves me?! How could she possibly love me?! We’ve only been together a little over a month. It can’t be that simple. What do I even say?! My internal panic creates a silence that can’t be ignored. Say something.
“You do?”
She nods, still not removing her eyes from the movie. “Yeah.”
Fuck. Do I tell her what she wants to hear and say it back? No. I can’t. I wouldn’t mean it and it could only make things worse. I’d be expected to say it for the rest of the time we’re together.
“I… don’t know what to say.”
“Oh.” Her response is laced with disappointment.
“I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t like you, I just don’t think I’m there yet.”
“Okay.” She says bitterly.
“You’re mad?”
“No.”
The level of my voice gets higher. “You are. How can you be mad about that? At least I was honest.”
“Quiet, Holden.” She scoffs. “Can’t you see she’s sleeping?”
A loud groan comes from the back of my throat, feeling increasingly frustrated. “Bree, it’s six o’clock. Who the hell…” She places a hand over my mouth but I finish my sentence. “…sleeps at six o’clock?”
Kayleigh rolls onto her back and sleepily rubs her eyes. When she’s done, she turns toward Brianna and me. She looks so innocent when she first wakes up.
“Good Morning, Sleepyhead.” Bree greets her, acting like we weren’t just fighting two seconds ago.
“Morning.” She answers, and oh my god, that groggy sounding voice goes straight to my groin. She clears her throat as she sits up. “How long have I been out for?”
“Forever.” I murmur. Bree’s elbow connects with my stomach. “Ow! What was that for?”
“Being rude.” She replies. Whenever she has a backbone, it’s amusing to me. I roll my eyes playfully and kiss her forehead – hoping our little disagreement has long been forgotten. Her attention goes back to Kayleigh. “We’re going to get dinner soon. Do you want anything?”
She shakes her head. “No thanks. I’m not really hungry.”
This makes me laugh. “Yeah, okay. We could hear your stomach growling in your sleep.”
Bree narrows her eyes at me and Kayleigh places a pillow over her stomach. Why would she lie about not being hungry? I don’t understand.
“It’s okay, really.” She murmurs. “I’m not feeling too well, hence why I was sleeping.”
I feel like she’s hiding something but I don’t know what. “Is that why you ran out of class earlier?”
“You ran out of class? Are you okay?” Bree asks, surprised by this new information.
“I’m fine. I promise. It was just an anxiety attack. I get them all the time. No reason to worry.”
As my girlfriend gets up and walks over to her roommate’s bed, I can’t help but focus on what she just said. I suffered from panic attacks for years after my parents’ accident. Around the anniversary of their death, they come back but otherwise I’ve got it under control.
“Are you sure?” Bree sounds concerned. “Aren’t anxiety attacks serious?”
She plays it off as if it’s nothing. “Some can be, yeah. That one wasn’t though. I have medicine for it, it just makes me tired. I’ll probably just end up going back to sleep.”
While Brianna clearly isn’t convinced, Kayleigh glances at me. The way her eyes bore into mine has me feeling like I’m spiraling out of control. She looks so vulnerable and it’s so different from the normal glare she shoots in my direction. The words Bree used just minutes earlier pop into my mind. I love you.
No. I can’t let this happen. I absolutely cannot fall in love with someone who would rather eat glass than be around me. My defense mechanisms kick in on overdrive. I quickly mask my expression and turn back to the computer screen.
“Come on babe. Leave Crybaby Kayleigh alone and come watch this.”
Kayleigh makes a noise of disgust and lays back down, pulling the blanket up to her neck and trying to doze off again. Regret flows through me, but I mentally push it away. I won’t allow myself to fall for the one girl who can’t stand the sight of me. I just hope it’s not too late.
I GET BACK TO my place shortly after having dinner with Bree. Surprisingly enough, it’s quiet. The only sign of anyone home is Caleb sitting at the kitchen island. I come in and grab a beer from the fridge before sitting beside him.
“Where is everyone?” I ask.
“Jason is being a wingman for Jesse. I have no idea about everyone else.”
I notice the way something is off about him. “Everything alright?”
He shrugs. “Yes... No… I don’t know.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I think I might break up with Taylor.”
“Hallelujah.” I mumble under my breath. Caleb hears and gives me a look. “Sorry, sorry. Did something happen?”
“Not exactly. We’ve just been fighting more often than not lately. Our relationship has just run its course, I guess.”
“I’m sorry man.” I pat his back before taking another large swig of my beer.
My friend eyes me carefully. “What about you? You seem just as down as I am.”
A small laugh leaves my mouth. “Yeah, you could say that.”
“Are you and Bree having problems?”
“No. Bree is great.”
He looks confused. “Then what is it?”
“More of a who than a what.”
Caleb is one of the closest people to me, second only to Brandon. Both him and Jason are my best friends at this place. I met Jason through hockey and Caleb at rush week. The three of us connected and have been friends since. We may bicker like brothers sometimes, but I’d trust both of them with my life.
“Someone else has you this messed up? Damn, H. You’re becoming soft on me. First that girl from the dorms, now this one?”
I shake my head. “Nope, same person.”
His eyes widen. “You’re still hung up on dorm chick?!” I nod, causing him to exhale in disbelief. “Must be quite the girl.”
“You have no idea.”
IM SITTING ON BRIANNA’S bed, waiting for her to get done braiding Kayleigh’s hair. When I first got here, they were talking about something on Instagram. I managed to find Kayleigh in Bree’s followers, so now I’m scrolling through her page – secretly admiring her pictures.
“Ow!” Kayleigh shouts.
I startle and look up as Bree releases her hair. “Oh my gosh, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry.”
Jokingly bouncing up and down, I smile. “Do it again! Do it again!”
“Shut up, Holden!” They both shout, causing me to puff out my lower lip.
A few minutes later, they’re finally finished. Bree gets up and goes i
nto the bathroom to change. I use the time to check the camera bag and make sure I’m not forgetting anything. Surprisingly enough, Kayleigh comes toward me.
“I have the notebook and pen. Do you have everything we need for the video camera?”
“Yup.” I answer. “Just double checking.”
“Are both batteries charged?”
I roll my eyes. Why does she always think I’m incompetent? “Yes, Kayleigh. I think I know better than to bring dead batteries.”
“Holden, please don’t be rude. Not today. Let’s just get through this project without fighting with each other.”
Her words shock me and when my eyes meet hers, I can’t help but melt a little inside. She’s being sincere and, for once, not completely hating my guts – or at least hiding the fact that she does.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” I tell her honestly.
She inhales a small, practically inaudible, gasp. The moment is killed quickly though as my girlfriend comes out of the bathroom. I look away and cough to cover up what just happened. Bree comes over to both of us.
“Ready to go?”
We both nod, and just as Kayleigh reaches for a sweatshirt, Bree stops her. She offers her one of her jackets, a white jean one. The moment she puts it on, I have to physically refrain from groaning. Today is going to be so much more difficult with her looking like that.
THE DINER IS CROWDED with patrons having lunch. Bree fakes a smile as we sit down at the table. After Kayleigh went inside to set up, Brianna and I got into an argument about why I won’t let her touch my phone. It’s not that I’m hiding anything, per say. There isn’t another girl I’m texting. It’s just that I’ve been talking to Brandon all morning about spending the day with Kayleigh, and I can’t risk her seeing that.
I give Kay the signal to start recording and the show begins. I must admit; Bree’s acting skills aren’t bad. She plays the part of a verbally abused girlfriend rather well. However, I can’t help but feel bad about how I speak to her. I know it’s all fake, but that doesn’t change the fact that some women really go through this. While I may not be the best boyfriend, I would never be like any of the men who do that kind of stuff.
On the drive back to the dorms, Brianna seems distant. I can’t be sure if it’s because of our argument prior to going into the diner or because of the things I had to say to her. I quietly assure her that it was all fake, but she still feels miles away.
Once she gets out of the car, Kayleigh climbs into the front seat. I take off for the grocery store, trying to keep my excitement in check. This is the part of the day I’ve been waiting for – to finally be alone with her. Maybe after these next few hours, she won’t despise me so much.
The two of us discuss how we’re going to do this section of the project. We come up with a plan to make sure we’re not paying for people who can afford their own groceries. It’s rather clever of her to think of that. I’d hate to waste the money on those who don’t need it.
A couple miles away from our destination, Shape of You by Ed Sheeran comes through the speaker. Kayleigh perks up, raising volume with a big smile. It’s obvious how this song makes her feel and I’d do anything to keep that look on her face.
“Sorry.” She mumbles. “I just love this song.”
A small laugh bubbles out of my mouth. “You’re fine.”
For the first time, she’s actually happy around me, and I’m going to embrace every single minute of it.
THE FIRST PERSON WE choose is a mother with a young girl. I approach them carefully, trying to mask my nervousness. The child is pouting after being told she can’t get a toy she wanted. However, when her mother says they don’t have the money for it, she doesn’t ask again.
“Excuse me, I’d like to pay for your groceries, and I’d like your daughter to add the toy as well, if that’s okay.” I tell the mom.
Tears spring to her eyes and she places her hands over her mouth. “Are you serious?” I nod, smiling at her reaction. “Thank you so much.” She envelops me in a tight hug.
If I had known that this felt so good, I would have done it years ago. The little girl picks out her toy and thanks me by wrapping her arms around my leg. After I pay for the groceries, I help them out to the car, distracting the young one while her mother puts the bags in the trunk.
“Is that your girlfriend?” The woman asks, gesturing towards Kayleigh watching from the window.
“O-oh, no. She’s just my partner on the project.”
She hums. “That’s strange. The way you look at her says something completely different.”
I look down at the ground and try to play it off. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Well, maybe you should figure it out then. You two would look good together. She’s obviously something special to you.”
Christ, am I that obvious? Perhaps that’s why Bree was acting differently after lunch. Maybe being around Kayleigh and I today, she was able to see what this lady can. I really need to work on my poker face.
She gives me one last hug before getting into her car. I wave goodbye to the little girl and make my way back into the store. A tear manages to escape my eye, from both joy and fear. I’m so glad I was able to help that family but I’m wondering if I’ll ever have children of my own. If I never find someone else to make me feel the way Kayleigh does, I’m not sure I will.
“Are you crying?” She asks as soon as I get close.
I lightly push on her arm. “Shut up. It was emotional.”
We both laugh together and the sound of hers makes me wish I could play it on a loop for hours. I’m so fucked.
Chapter Nine
It takes everything in me to stay away from Kayleigh. I don’t want to, but it’s the best way I know to avoid dealing with my feelings for her. There is no part of me that’s ready to face what went through my mind the other day. She will barely smile at me, let alone feel anything close to the same way I do. Maybe Brandon was right – my karma will be getting my heart broken.
Unfortunately, I’m not able to keep myself from her for long. The time when I can no longer procrastinate this project comes sooner than expected. I need to make sure that her notes align with the video we captured, and if more details need to be added.
I get over to campus shortly after 3 PM, well aware of the fact that Bree isn’t here. She’s been at Taylor’s for the past few days. I think the bitch finally realized that Caleb is on the verge of ending things, because she hasn’t come around. In the process, she’s also hogged my girlfriend for ‘emotional support’. My eyes roll just thinking about it.
When I scroll through my phone, I realize that I still don’t have Kayleigh’s number. That probably would have made this a lot easier - being able to alert her of my arrival - but it is what it is. I get to the dorm and knock on the door. There’s no answer. I fiddle with the knob and find it’s unlocked.
The second I step inside, the sound of someone getting sick brings my attention to the bathroom. The door is shut and locked, but there’s only one person it could be.
“Kayleigh?” I ask.
“What do you want Holden?” She’s annoyed that I’m here, but I don’t focus on that.
“You okay?”
It takes a second before she answers. “I’m fine, now what is it?” Alright, liar.
I gag a little as she continues to vomit into the toilet – the sound echoing out of the room. I place my fist over my mouth to keep myself from hurling too. “I need the notes from the other day.”
“They’re in my notebook. Just take it.”
Walking over to her desk, I don’t see a notebook anywhere in sight. My eyes glance over to her bed. There is a small journal lying there – the same one she was writing in the first night I met her. This doesn’t look like the same notebook she had with her the other day, but I check it anyway.
Breakfast – 50 calories – Apple
Lunch – 0 calories – Nothing
Dinner – 152 calorie
s – ½ a sandwich.
My eyes narrow as I try to figure out what I’m looking at. Why is she writing all of this down? And why is she noting 202 calories for the day a ‘good day’. I flip through the book, seeing almost the same thing on every page.
Breakfast – 130 calories – bowl of cereal.
Lunch – 250 calories - ¼ of a sub
Dinner – 314 calories – pasta
Total – 694 – This is why you’ll always be gross, you fat bitch.
Just as I finish reading the little note she wrote, the door swings open quickly.
“Holden!” My head whips over to look at her, seeing the panicked look on her face when she realizes what’s in my hand. “Holden.” She repeats as if I’m standing on a ledge. “Give that to me, please.”
She comes towards me, but I move backwards. “What is this, Kayleigh?”
“None of your business. Give it back.” She lunges to grab the book but I keep it out of reach.
“Not until you explain!” My frustration is evident but I can’t help it. I’m concerned.
She realizes she isn’t getting anywhere with trying to take it from me, so she sits on her bed and sighs. “What do you think it is?”
“I don’t know what to think. That’s why I’m asking you.”
She motions to Bree’s bed and I sit down, still holding it tightly. “I don’t eat.” She breathes. “And what I do eat, I keep record of inside that book.”
My breath hitches, not really knowing what to say. Why would she do this? Doesn’t she see how perfect she is? No matter how much I rack my brain, it makes no sense.
“Why?”
She shrugs. “I don’t like the way I look.”
“I don’t understand. You’re beautiful.” Her eyes double in size and I realize what I said. “I mean, you look fine.”
She clearly doesn’t want to hear it, because she shakes her head. “Please don’t start, Holden. I’ve heard all of this before.”
Awakened in September Page 6
