TO SAY I’M NERVOUS would be the understatement of the century. I’m sitting in my car outside the coffee house, bouncing my knee and trying to build up the courage to go inside. The weather matches my mood as the rain pounds down on my windshield. What if she still won’t talk to me? Or worse, what if she tells me she never wants to see me again? I’ll leave here even more broken than I am now. Maybe I should just go home. I could wait for her to come to me, though that time may never come.
My eyes catch sight of her walking by the oversized window and my heart lurches. Regardless of how scared I am, I know I can’t leave without saying something to her. It’s been far too long since I’ve heard her soft-spoken voice. I take the key out of the ignition and force myself out of the car, hurriedly running to the door. As I step inside, Kayleigh’s back is to me, but I can tell by the expression on Dawson’s face, she’s giving him a harsh glare. He raises his hands defensively.
“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you’re both completely miserable and I really think you need to talk.”
Time stands still as I wait for her to turn around, but after what feels like a lifetime, she does. Her eyes rack over me and she unconsciously takes her bottom lip between her teeth. I allow myself take to in her appearance as well. Dawson was right. She looks exhausted. I haven’t seen her like this since the time her mom came to visit unexpectedly. It breaks my heart.
“Hi.” She whispers.
Dawson mumbles something I don’t think either one of us pays any attention to and then disappears through the door he was just standing in front of. I motion towards the couch.
“Can we sit?” Thankfully, she nods and I follow her over – sitting next to her but still giving her space. “I’m so sorry. You have to know, I never meant for that to happen.”
“But it did happen.” She spits but not with as much venom as I deserve. “We had an agreement. No kissing other people. I mean, if you want to hook up with someone else, then that’s your choice. It’s not like we’re together, but…”
I can’t listen to any more. That’s not at all what I want. Why can’t she see that she’s the only person I want to kiss? Hell, she’s the only person I want to talk to most days.
“Don’t.” I cut her off. “Don’t downplay what we have. You and I both know it’s more than just friends with benefits.”
Her whole body relaxes a little and her voice becomes small. “Then why? Why her? I was in the next room. If you really needed to shove your tongue down someone’s throat you could have just come to me.”
My eyes drop down to my hands as I let her words sink in. I just need to be honest with her. Maybe she will understand. I take a deep breath before opening my mouth.
“I got really drunk.” I start. “I was upset about missing my parents. It happens every year around the holidays.” A lump builds in my throat but I swallow it down. “I sat down on the couch and waited for you. A girl jumped into my lap and kissed me, and in my drunken state I thought she was you.”
She gives me a knowing look and a dry laugh leaves her mouth. “Really Holden? Blaming it on the alcohol?”
I shake my head quickly. “No. I’m blaming no one and nothing but myself. I made a colossal mistake. I just want to make it better.” By the end, it sounds like I’m begging, but if that’s what it takes to get her back – I’ll do it without shame.
“And how are you going to do that?”
“By showing you how much you mean to me.” I pause. This is my shot – my one chance where she’s actually listening. “I’ve never felt anything close to the way I feel about you. You’re the one person I can spend every waking moment around and still feel like I need more. I can’t get close enough to you, no matter how hard I try. When I’m with you, I come alive – and when I’m not, my heart hurts.” I watch as she her expression turns to one of doubt instead of the smile I was hoping for. “I’m not asking for you to forgive and forget.” My lip starts to quiver. Fuck, stay calm. “I’m just asking for a chance to show you how serious I am about you.”
I finish my rant and all I can do is wait for her to respond. I poured my heart out and there’s nothing left to say. I can see her thinking it over. It feels like hours pass before she speaks.
“I can’t just jump into a relationship with you.” She replies softly, and my heart drops. “Not yet.”
“Yet?” Everything in me perks up at that one little word.
That smile I’ve been dying to see finally shows on her gorgeous face. “You have a lot of making up to do.”
Instantly, the weight of the world is taken off my shoulders. I know it’s not going to be easy to gain her trust back, but she’s giving me the opportunity to try and I refuse to fuck this up again. I laugh in relief and pull her into my arms, holding on tight in a way that shows I never want to let go. She molds against me and sighs as I kiss the top of her head. God, I missed her.
We spend the next couple of hours talking about everything we’ve missed in the last couple days. She tells me about how her and Bree are okay again, and I can see how happy that makes her. I apologize for almost ruining their friendship, but she shushes me and says she wouldn’t change it if she could. I may have blushed at that, but I’ll never admit to it.
When it starts to get late, I suggest moving our conversation to the diner for some late-night food. However, she declines and tells me she needs to be getting home. I’m a little disappointed she isn’t coming home with me, but I understand. It’s going to take some time to get back to how we were.
The two of us hold hands during the drive to her dorm. It’s as if neither one of us can get enough of the other. When I pull up to the building, I place the car in park and watch her unbuckle.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” I ask, feeling a little daring, yet still afraid of her answer.
She smiles sadly. “I have to study all day.” Ugh, I have to go another day without her? “But, text me around five and we’ll see about hanging out.” Butterflies erupt in my stomach, making me feel like a teenage girl. I nod happily and just before she steps out of the car, she turns back to me. “Holden?” I hum, keeping my eyes trained on her. “I’m really glad we’re talking again.”
Her words give me a little bit of confidence. It may not have been the heartfelt speech I gave her earlier, but it’s enough to tell me she cares. I place my hand on her cheek and lean in, giving her every opportunity to stop me – she doesn’t. Our lips connect for the first time in days and it feels like she breathes every ounce of life back into me. It doesn’t last anywhere close to what I was hoping, but I’m not about to rush her. She bites her lip one last time and gets out of the car. I don’t drive away until she’s safely inside. When she is, my hand finds its way up to my lips, where the feeling of her kiss still lingers.
THE SOUND OF MY rowdy housemates wakes me from my deep slumber. Falling asleep was still difficult from being alone in my bed, but it was easier knowing Kayleigh and I are one step closer to being okay. I pull on a pair of sweats and head downstairs, finding Jesse, Caleb, Riley, and Jason in the kitchen. Riley is doing some of the chores while Jesse obnoxiously barks orders at him.
“Don’t you have freshman to do that to?” I quip, knowing Riley is a sophomore. He did his time last year.
“They’re all studying for finals and after four failed last year, we can’t have that happening again. Dean said we need to take it easy on them this week.”
I chuckle and nod. “Sorry Ry. I tried.”
He waves me off and goes back to cleaning. Jesse shares a look with Jason and Caleb before focusing back on me.
“Did you get laid or something?”
“What?” I almost choke on air. “No.”
He narrows his eyes on me. “Something is different about you today. You’re… happier.”
I shrug, trying to mask my smile, when Caleb finally catches on. “Oh my god. You talked to her?!”
“Talked to who?” Jesse sounds confused, then it hits him. “Kayleigh!”
Grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge, I laugh softly at their excitement. “Yeah, we talked. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that she’s the first girl who has managed to make you swoon like a loved up romantic.” Jason quips. “You looked like someone killed your dog while you two weren’t speaking.”
“Was I really that bad?”
“Yes.” The four of them answer in unison.
I had thought I was hiding my emotions decently well, or at least hiding myself in general. Then again, they all knew what happened – thanks to Caleb’s big mouth – so I guess I should have expected them to notice how I was acting. I can’t even deny it. I’m completely aware how distraught I was without her.
“So, what’s going on with you two?” Caleb questions.
I bite my lip to try and conceal my smile but a dimple manages to show anyway. “I want to be with her.” I answer simply. “Christ, it’s crazy but I want her – just her and no one else.”
“Holy shit.” Jesse balks. “Holden Rivers fell in love. I’ve officially seen everything.”
I grab an apple from the bowl in the middle of the island and throw it at him. “No one said anything about love.”
“The look in your eyes begs to differ.”
Caleb and Jason snicker as I grin and shake my head. “I have shit to do.” I start to walk out of the kitchen when I hear Jesse shout from behind me.
“You’re going to sit in your room and wait for her to call, aren’t you?”
An involuntary laugh leaves my mouth. “Shut up, dick.”
THE HOURS CRAWL BY so slowly that I feel like this day is never going to end. I don’t want to seem too desperate by reaching out exactly at five. Finally, when it’s almost 5:30, I give in and send her a text. I type out a few messages then delete them, not finding anything good enough. In the end, I settle on being forward.
Me: I’d like to take you to dinner.
It only takes a couple minutes for my phone to vibrate. I pick it up faster than necessary.
Kayleigh: Sorry. Already ate.
Disappointment builds in the pit of my stomach but I’m not going to back down that easily.
Me: Ice cream then.
A part of me starts to wonder if she fell back into her eating disorder in the time we’ve been apart. The only person here who knows about it is me, and I haven’t been around to keep track of her eating. However, before I can think too far into it, a new message comes in.
Kayleigh: I want something in my mouth,
but it’s not food.
Me: I’m on my way.
The thought of getting my hands on her again has me out the door in seconds. It’s as if I’m an addict and she’s my drug of choice. My body literally yearns for her touch. Something about her makes my every nerve ending come alive and I can’t get enough. Nothing compares to it.
I’m thankful for the lack of police near campus, being as I probably break every traffic law on the way to her dorm. As soon as I pull up, I see her standing in the cold wearing only a T-shirt. She gets into my car and rubs her arms.
“Are you crazy?” I pull my sweatshirt off and hand it to her. “You’re going to get sick.”
She eyes it carefully but doesn’t grab it. “Well, now you’re going to get sick.”
“Better me than you. Take it.”
She rolls her eyes but I can tell she isn’t angry as she pulls the hoodie on. “Bossy.”
I wink at her and pull out of the spot. The whole ride back to my place, I keep glancing at her – loving the way she looks in my clothes. I never thought I would see her like this again, so I’m going to appreciate every second of it.
The drive is quiet but not uncomfortable. When we get to my place, I run inside to shield myself from the bitter cold. I leave the door open so she can follow me in. The second she steps in the house, Caleb’s eyes light up.
“Kayleigh!” He yells.
She giggles in a way that I wish only I could make her do. “Hey.”
“We’ve missed you around here.” I bet you have, dick.
As they talk about a few casual topics, I try to ignore the jealousy coursing through my veins. I gently grab her hand and play with it while I wait for her to finish her conversation. The whole time, I’m reminding myself that I get to touch her and he doesn’t. When they’re done, we go upstairs and into my room.
“You two seem close.” I murmur as I close the door and lock it. She gives me a look and while I try to play it off as a joke, I fail miserably.
“We’re just friends.” She breathes. I try to calm myself down as I sit on my dresser. She notices and comes to stand in between my legs. She rests her hands on my face, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “Seriously, we’re friends. That’s it.”
She’s gazing at me with such softness and sincerity that it makes my heart jump. How is it that in the very short time I’ve known her, she’s managed to have me this captivated? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk away from her, and that absolutely terrifies me.
“Tell me I’m not alone in this.” I whisper.
“Alone in what?”
“This.” I gesture between her and I. “Feeling like the stars shine a little brighter now that you’re in my life. Like fate, destiny, and divine intervention all aligned perfectly to put you and I together. Like I’m finally seeing clearly for the first time in my life.” Fuck, this may be too much for her but the answer is so important. “I need to know that this isn’t one sided. I know you need time, and I’m not rushing you. I just need to know that you feel the same way.”
Without any hesitation, she closes the distance between us and kisses me softly. A part of me starts to wonder if this is her way of avoiding answering me, but then she breaks the kiss to speak.
“You’re not alone. Not even a little, I promise.”
My hand moves to her back and I pull her into me, reconnecting our lips passionately as my other hand sinks into her hair. I suck her bottom lip into my mouth and relish in the moan that emits from her throat. Pushing her back just slightly, I get down from my dresser and spin us around, picking her up by her waist and placing her where I just was. Her legs wrap around me and my already hardened length rubs softly against her clothed sex. I’ve need this. I need her.
WE SPEND TWO DAYS wrapped up in each other, not being able to be in the same room without part of us touching. She still hasn’t slept over and I haven’t tried pressuring her into it. This is way too important to risk going too fast. All I want is to make her mine, and if that takes some time, then so be it.
“Do you have to leave?” I groan, holding her close.
“Yeah.” She sighs. “I’m going to dinner with Bree.”
“Does she know? About us I mean.”
“Mhm. She kind of expected it. Said something about knowing your charm is hard to resist.”
“So, she doesn’t hate me?”
Her head tilts to the side and she smiles. “Well, I don’t think she plans on being your best friend any time soon, but she doesn’t hate me for being with you.”
“Good enough. I’ll take it.”
We cuddle for a little while longer until she reluctantly gets up and heads out the door. I offered to drive her, but she insisted on walking – claiming that the restaurant isn’t far from here and she needs some time to herself.
AN HOUR LATER, I walk into the deli to pick up subs for the guys when I see something that has me on high alert. Bree is standing at the counter, waiting for her order to be done. When she looks up from her phone, her eyes meet mine and widen.
“Oh, hey Holden.”
“Hey. What are you doing here?”
She looks slightly confused as she glances around the room. “Uh, just getting some dinner before I head back to my dorm.”
“I thought you were going to a restaurant with Kayleigh.”
“No.” She drags out the word like I’ve lost my mind. “Is that what she told you?”
&nb
sp; My heart sinks as I realize what’s going on. I run my fingers through my hair and try to play it off. “You know what, she may have said Dawson. I was a little distracted. My mistake, sorry.”
Bree doesn’t look convinced but thankfully doesn’t question it. Her name is called and she takes the bag from the woman behind the counter, giving me one last half smile before leaving. I take out my phone and compose a text, praying that I’m wrong.
Me: How’s dinner with Bree?
Kayleigh: It’s delicious. I miss you though.
As soon as I read her response, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting the realization sink in.
Kayleigh isn’t eating.
Chapter Twenty Four
It seems like any time I start to get some sleep again, something happens that throws me back into nights spent tossing and turning until the sun comes up. The alarm on my phone blares, though I don’t need it to wake me up. I slap my hand down to turn it off and sit up. I have a few things to do and then I’m showing up unannounced at Kayleigh’s dorm. I already know she’s alone this morning so it’s the perfect opportunity
Ever since I ran into Bree last night, I’ve been wracking my mind on what to do. I can’t just allow her to continue down this path. She could end up hurt or worse. I’d never forgive myself if I allowed that to happen. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get her back on track. She had been doing so well lately.
By the time that I go for a run to clear my thoughts, shower, and go to the coffee house, it’s almost 9:30 when I pull up to the dorms. My heart starts to pound in my chest as I climb out of my car. I clutch the bag in my hand and head inside, going straight upstairs and to her door. Thankfully, it’s unlocked. The second I open it, I find Kayleigh laying on her bed – still dressed in pajamas. She looks a little shocked to see me but I don’t give her a chance to talk.
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