by Suzi Davis
Sebastian didn’t respond. He waited quietly and patiently, sensing there was more.
“I will never do it again,” I swore, my voice suddenly fierce and impassioned. I sat up straighter as I spoke. “Never. I will never take another’s life not even to save my own - not even to save yours. I’m sorry but I can’t… I never should have in the first place. And I swear I never, ever will again.”
“It’s okay,” Sebastian comforted. He gently reached for my hand but I pulled away. I knew I didn’t deserve his comfort. I was unworthy of his love. “You did what you felt you had to do and you saved me. And I believe that you’ll never take another’s life again. I don’t think you could ever want it enough, not after this,” he added quietly. I nodded my agreement, swallowing hard as I tried to push back the dull, numb blackness that was gathering inside of me.
“Do you remember… Caoilinn, speaking through you?” Sebastian asked hesitantly. I blinked back my tears and nodded. Perhaps it was because of my dark mood and angry, bitter thoughts but what immediately jumped to mind was how Sebastian had begged Caoilinn not to leave him.
“She said you would remember everything now,” he prompted, distracting me. I nodded reluctantly.
“I remember how to use my magic.” Sebastian waited patiently for me to continue, so with a sigh, I did. “The simple spells should be easy. It’s a matter of focusing and trusting my instincts, trusting in myself and letting my emotions and wants guide me. I was having a hard time giving in before, releasing my control of my emotions and desires so that I could control my magic… it’s a hard thing for me to do but I think I can do it when I need to now. The more complicated spells require designs though.”
“The designs in my tattoos?”
“Yes,” I agreed. “The more powerful spells, the spells that require altering fate, like taking someone’s life or Binding another soul to yours, these require a design that also leaves a physical mark on the person’s body and on their soul. The lines of the design represent what was meant to be and how it must be twisted to become what you want it to become. It’s complicated. Caoilinn would meditate for days to unravel the correct patterns and designs. She was the only one of the Sisterhood powerful enough to perform these spells but some were able to combine their abilities and they were getting close. She should never have asked you to save that spell book for her – it should have been destroyed.”
“Caoilinn never told me any of this. I suppose I didn’t need to know since my magic works differently than hers but if there were others in the Sisterhood who could learn to use these spells, then couldn’t I have too? Why wouldn’t she tell me?” Sebastian looked at me expectantly, the hurt and confusion bright in his beautiful eyes.
“She was afraid to tell you, Sebastian. She was afraid of what you’d think of her if you knew how dangerous and deadly she could be. She feared you’d reject her if you knew of the terrible things she had done.” I knew it was the truth as I spoke it, I could feel it right down in my very soul, echoing within the core of my being.
“No,” Sebastian denied, slowly shaking his head. “How could she doubt me? She had done nothing that I wouldn’t have understood, that I couldn’t have forgiven.”
“The Sisterhood used her, manipulated her to some extent. They encouraged her to discover the deadliest and most powerful spells. They brought her subjects to test the designs on – animals, criminals, sometimes even the terminally ill who were brought to the temple to be saved. They told her she was serving the people, performing the will of the Gods. She was already starting to question the intentions of the Sisterhood when she met you but she hadn’t planned on running away, she had planned on killing herself to escape. You changed all that.”
“No. She would never have… she wasn’t capable of murder,” he objected but I could tell he wasn’t trying to convince me but himself.
“Did you think I was?” I asked quietly.
Sebastian didn’t answer, he couldn’t. He watched me sadly, his eyes full of doubt, denial, betrayal and disappointment. It was breaking my heart. I felt almost as if I had betrayed him myself.
“Sometimes we only see what we want to see. We choose to only believe what our heart wants to be true. The truth was always there, nothing has really changed. The only difference is now you know it.”
Sebastian didn’t respond. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. So instead I embraced the huge, gaping cavern of sadness inside my chest that felt like it would split me in two. I let it fill and overwhelm me, the emptiness painful and intense.
“When did you become so philosophical?” Sebastian suddenly asked. His voice was strained, his eyes were weary but there was a gentle, teasing quality to his words that allowed a flicker of hope to spark within the darkness inside of me.
“You’re a bad influence on me.”
“Obviously,” he agreed and he smiled at me in a way that appeared to be only slightly forced. I knew things would eventually be fine between us but I also realized it was going to take some time. By exposing Caoilinn’s secrets, I had given him reason to doubt not only her but also me and because of my recent actions, I could only feel that I deserved it.
“We can’t stay here. The Others will still be looking for us and eventually they’ll return,” Sebastian pointed out.
“As soon as they find a fifth, they’ll remember. It won’t matter anymore that I don’t want them to, that I want them to leave us alone. I’m still powerless when they outnumber us. I was only able to stop Walter because they never expected me to be capable of it.”
“I don’t suppose you remembered how to stop them all?”
“No. I don’t think Caoilinn knew how to take away someone else’s powers. I’m not sure it’s possible, Sebastian. I think our only option, for now, is to run.”
“Okay. Where should we go?” He waited expectantly, a small smile on his face that made him look even more like his old self. I relaxed just a little bit more.
“You’re asking me?” He waited patiently while I carefully considered. “We need to leave the country again. We should probably avoid the United Kingdom entirely - and North America. I don’t know where we should go. We need help, I know that much. I just want someone to point us in the right direction,” I admitted with a sigh.
“Hey! Found you!” a man called out, suddenly appearing as he stepped around the wall of basalt columns. He was average height and a little fat, with a large nose and a noticeable bald spot on top of his thinning, gray-brown hair. He looked strangely familiar. I tried not to appear too alarmed at his sudden appearance but I automatically tensed my muscles in preparation to run. “We’ve been looking all over for you two! The bus is about to leave.”
It took a second for me to understand what he meant. I realized why he looked familiar – he had sat near us on the tour bus all the way along the Antrim Coast. Relief washed over me but of course, Sebastian recovered first.
“Oh, thank you! We didn’t realize what time it was, sorry. I’m so glad the bus waited.” Sebastian helped me to my feet as he spoke.
“What are you doing?” I whispered as we began to follow the man over the uneven, slippery stones.
“You said you wanted someone to point us in the right direction – well apparently we should rejoin our tour group and head back to Belfast. Just keep wanting someone to help us find the right way and they will.”
Sebastian flashed me a quick smile before picking up the pace. There was something strange in his eyes when he looked at me, a strain he tried to hide, a glimmer of doubt. My chest ached hollowly and my stomach began to churn as I tried to push back the recent memories. I knew what I had done would haunt me forever as would the terrifying memories of the acts Caoilinn had committed in my dreams. There was no forgiveness for what either of us had done; how could I expect Sebastian to ever look at me the same way again?
It was a quiet drive back to Belfast, even the other tourists falling into a sleepy lull as the bus bumped and jostled along t
he winding roads. Perhaps it was from the long day out in the wind and sun that I joined in the sleepy silence but I guessed it might have more to do with my headache and desire for peace. At least in the relative silence, I could sink into my gloomy thoughts for a while and punish myself as I felt I deserved.
The bus took us to the hostel in Belfast where most of the tourists were staying. It was a large hostel in a beautiful, historic building with a huge kitchen and large, private rooms. Chance would have it that we were invited to stay and eat with some of the guests and there was also an empty room left available that we paid to stay in for the night. Since there were four bunks to choose from, I chose a different one than Sebastian, assuming he would want to sleep alone. He watched me lie down on the bottom bunk across from his with his ancient, youthful eyes.
“What are you doing?” he asked curiously, a smile pulling at his mouth.
“Going to sleep.”
“Obviously. Why are you sleeping over there on your own?”
I rolled over, turning my back to him as I was afraid to face the truth.
“Because I didn’t think you’d want me near you after… after what happened today,” I confessed, speaking to the wall but in a voice just loud enough for him to hear.
There was silence behind me. My heart sank even deeper, the lonely, empty feeling inside of me growing and threatening to consume me whole. And then suddenly he was there. He slipped into the bed behind me, his warm, safe arms reaching for me and holding me tightly, his lips murmuring reassurances, his fingertips brushing away my tears.
“I always want you near me – always,” he whispered into my hair. “There are things I have done too that I regret every moment of every day. I have memories that make me so ashamed, I can barely open my eyes each morning. There are secrets in my past that I fear if you knew, you would leave me in a second… but if it will ease your pain tonight, if it will comfort you now, I will confess to you all my sins.”
It was tempting. I had never before asked Sebastian for details of his nightmares for I knew how difficult it was for him to remember. I didn’t want him to relieve the horrors from his past just for the sake of my curiosity. But I now understood how truly ashamed, how horrified at himself he might feel and I could never, ever be the cause of anything I knew to cause him pain.
“No,” I told him as I rolled over. I wiggled even closer to him, pressing my forehead against his. “I would never leave you – ever. No matter what you have or have not done, it doesn’t change a thing. I don’t need to know any more of your past than I already do. I will be with you forever. I will be your wife.” I sealed my vow with a kiss, pressing my lips against his forcefully, a sudden passionate fire igniting within me.
“I love you,” he murmured as I kissed my way along his smooth jaw and down the side of his throat.
“I love you too,” I whispered back as he pulled my body against his tightly and his mouth came down to meet mine. He kissed me hard, with a rough, desperate passion that I understood and responded to with every fiber of my being. We were two lost and damaged souls who desperately needed to lose and then find themselves within the other. We were consumed by a frantic passion that stripped away our painful memories and erased all sense of reason, and I never wanted to stop or to return to reality again.
Sebastian slipped out of his shirt and, without thought or hesitation, I slipped out of mine. He held me tightly against his chest, the warmth of his bare skin against mine thrilling me with each ragged breath. His fingers slid down the length of my spine in a slow and tantalizing caress. Shivers erupted throughout my body and I gasped in pleasure. The fire within me was burning into an uncontrollable rage, my cheeks flushing with its heady heat, my head spinning with desire. And even as I burned with this intoxicating, new passion, I still wanted more. I wanted all of Sebastian, every heartbeat, every breath, every part of his being. I wanted all of him, forever. I wanted too much.
“Stop,” I gasped as I tore my mouth from his. It was painful to break apart, excruciating even. I tried desperately to catch my breath, to restore reason to my mind.
Sebastian was only inches from my face still and he looked deeply into my eyes, so deeply I could feel his gaze penetrating right down to the core of my soul. His eyes were pools of liquid, dark-blue fire, burning with the heat of our passion and the intense, immeasurable depths of our love.
“Let’s get married,” I whispered breathlessly. He smiled.
“I think I already asked you that.”
“Tomorrow. Marry me tomorrow.”
“Are you proposing to me now?” he teased but I could see the excitement sparkling in his eyes, the wild fire melting into bright, glowing embers.
“Yes. One last night to wait and then tomorrow I will be yours forever, in every possible way.”
Sebastian grinned and then playfully moaned. He rolled away from me, lifting my shirt up off the floor and handing it to me over his shoulder, his back turned to me still to preserve what was left of my modesty.
“After two thousand years of waiting, why does tomorrow still feel so far away?” he wondered aloud as I sat up and pulled my shirt back on over my head, happy to notice that he still hadn’t retrieved his.
“Tomorrow is like a dream, until it becomes today.” I snuggled down against his back as I spoke, sliding my arm around him and enjoying the feel of his warm skin.
He sighed happily. “You say the most absurd things.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“Isn’t it traditional for the bride and groom to sleep apart on the night before their wedding?” he suddenly asked, his muscles tensing as if he were about to jump out of bed.
“Oh, shut up,” I grumbled affectionately, pulling myself even more tightly against his back. He laughed quietly before obliging my request.
My mind began to drift towards warm, sleepy dreams until a thought suddenly occurred, striking through my peaceful mind like a blaze of lightning.
“Did my father really give you permission to marry me?”
“Of course. I asked him the night before we left Toronto,” Sebastian responded without hesitation, though his amusement was clear.
“I can’t believe he agreed.”
“I was surprised myself,” he admitted. “I wanted to ask him though. I think he knew I was going to propose to you either way and especially once he saw the ring…”
“He did?”
Sebastian chuckled softly at my surprise.
“He did and he reluctantly gave his blessing, after a few choice words and threats of course. You know, I’ve never asked anyone for permission to marry their daughter before. It was… well, it was worth it to make you happy.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, kissing the back of his shoulder. He placed his hand over my arm, twisting his fingers through mine.
“Anything and everything for you. Now sleep so that tomorrow might come sooner.”
“It can’t come soon enough,” I agreed.
We both woke early the next morning and enjoyed the luxury of showers, clean teeth and a complimentary breakfast provided by the hostel. Just as we were finishing our morning meal, our bus driver appeared, speaking loudly to the whole dining area but looking at only us.
“Shuttle’s here. Anyone off to the airport this morning?”
Sebastian and I shared a quick look before standing and grabbing our bags. It was a relief to have others guide our way for once and I found it surprisingly easy to trust in my newly-found control.
We bid farewell to our driver at the airport, who never once asked us where we were headed to next. It was a good thing for we both didn’t know yet. The answer found us soon enough.
At Sebastian’s suggestion, we walked over to the departures board and examined the list of flights on the screen. There were several leaving in the next few minutes that we didn’t have a hope of making. My attention was caught by a flight leaving Belfast for Berlin in just under an hour. The print flickered, making the flight numb
er and times attract both of our attention.
“What do you think?” Sebastian asked.
I thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. “It makes sense. I want to be shown the right way and I have friends in Berlin, the exchange family I stayed with three years ago. I know the city and speak the language a bit… we might as well.”
“To Berlin then,” Sebastian agreed.
I almost expected how easy it was to purchase our tickets and arrange our flight to Berlin. The woman at the EasyJet counter informed us how lucky we were that there were still two seats available. Apparently, the plane was typically full as the flight was only offered twice a week and had actually been discontinued until just a week ago. All these lucky coincidences only served to confirm that we were going the right way, the way that we must go to find the answers we wanted.
We talked and laughed on the plane, enjoying the time together to relax and reconnect during the flight. I was able to push back the disturbing memories of yesterday and look forward to today – to live in the now, as Sebastian liked to say. We teased each other and joked around and talked of only frivolous and silly things. A few hours later, with smiles on both of our faces, we found ourselves sipping coffee on a street patio in Eastern Berlin, miles away from where we’d started the day. It was a comforting feeling, almost like we could escape both of our pasts.
A wave of homesickness washed over me as I glanced down the busy city streets. My smile slowly faded as a lonely, lost feeling began creeping into my soul. I gazed out at the tall, historic-looking buildings that lined the streets and contrasted with the occasional modern building-front spaced in between. Berlin was a beautiful city full of a rich and sad history. The last time I had been here, I’d tried my best to immerse myself in the culture, learning the language as quickly as possibly, trying my best to fit in with the other students at my school. I had never fit in. My parents had made certain that I stayed with the wealthiest family in Berlin and my time with them had been sheltered and disappointing. Just like my own parents, they made certain I never experienced the tourist-side of the city or the real Berlin streets. I was taken to balls and functions and it was all so similar to the life I had left in Canada that I was quickly disillusioned of my time in Germany. I had grown quite close to the young daughter of the family I stayed with but, as so often happens, we lost touch over the years. I hoped to track her down later that afternoon though – she would be nearly sixteen now.
