by Suzi Davis
“It did not happen,” Angelina whispered back to me before her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed on the floor beside Jai. The silence that followed roared in my ears and left me dizzy and weak.
“How in the hell did you do that?” Mags demanded as she stepped out of the cabin behind me. I ignored her, holding desperately onto the last of my strength as I sensed I was near collapse myself.
“Help me move them, the train is about to leave,” I commanded, my voice hard and cold, inviting no more questions. She took a small and nervous step away from me, her eyes carefully studying my face and reevaluating me once more. “Now!”
Mags flinched at my tone and then jumped into action. Between the two of us, we quickly and easily moved the two unconscious bodies off the train and onto a bench on the platform outside. There was no one watching us, not a single person to help or to interfere just as I had wanted. I felt nearly intoxicated by the power and thrill of the moment. Even exhausted as I was, I felt I could take on the world.
We climbed back onto the train only seconds before it starting moving and pulling away from the station. I could already see Jai stirring on the bench as our train car rattled past.
“Your spell left a mark,” Mags accused as we walked back down the slowly swaying hallway. “The Others will notice it, however you may have tried to hide it beneath their hair.”
I immediately knew what she was talking about. I had noticed it myself, the tiny, dark web of lines that twisted through a small patch of Jai and Angelina’s hairlines just above their temples, in a position identical to Sebastian’s tattoo.
“They will not notice it, they will not question it. It is part of the spell,” I answered without thinking. The response came haughtily and automatically, catching even me by surprise. I was still speaking in that strange, high voice that commanded so much power and respect. Mags noticed immediately, taking another step back from me. The color was rapidly draining from her face and she suddenly looked horrified.
“Caoilinn?” she whispered. It looked like her hands were starting to tremble.
“How could you?”
I spun around at the sound of Sebastian’s voice, surprised to find him marching angrily towards me. It was only then that I realized he hadn’t come out of the cabin to help deal with the Others and I suddenly realized how strange that was. I was even more shocked and horrified when I noticed the tears shimmering angrily in his dark gray eyes. The cool, calm focus that had possessed me began to waiver.
“How could you?” he repeated, shouting angrily at me as he came to a stop just inches from my face.
“Sebastian, calm down,” Mags murmured nervously. We both ignored her this time.
“It was the only way to protect you,” I answered him calmly, my voice still not sounding quite like my own. The last of my confidence and strength suddenly left me, dread and unease abruptly sweeping over me like a dark cloud blocking out the sun as I realized what I had done. I had forced the two Others to answer me against their wills and I had brutally and somewhat violently tampered with their memories. It was all to protect Sebastian but still, it was wrong.
“This was the only way to protect me?” he yelled, his whole body shaking. I shrank back from him, confused and afraid. I swayed dizzily on my feet. “Why, Caoilinn? Why? How could you do this to me?”
And that was when I realized that he had been listening on the other side of the cabin door, able to hear my whole conversation with the Others and drawing his own conclusions from it. He had heard me announce that I was Caoilinn and his mind, so confused already from the overwhelming amount of memories both past and present that I had caused him to remember, his mind had finally cracked. He couldn’t separate me from her at all anymore.
His face was thunderous, his eyes nearly black and dead of any emotion except for the raw, all-consuming pain that burned up all the light and brightness within him. I began to shake, terrified of what I had done, afraid that he was about to strike me and even worse, afraid that I deserved it. He didn’t hit me. He reached up with one hand and swept his hair back from his face, tugging hard against his scalp to reveal the tiny, thin black lines of the small and intricate tattoo above his temple. I gasped, feeling all of the blood drain from my face as I realized what he was thinking. The accusation in his eyes and his wild fury suddenly made sense.
“This isn’t a tattoo from a design in your spell book. This is the mark left behind from one of your spells! You have lied to me about everything – everything. I can see now that my love for you was only ever a lie that you yourself made me believe. I will never forgive you for this,” he pronounced in a voice so chilling and cold, I would never have recognized it as his own if we hadn’t been standing face to face. He glared at me with such fierce, hateful eyes that I shrank back and within myself, too shocked and horrified to utter a single word in response.
“Sebastian… please…” I managed to choke out, miserable tears already washing down my face. I could hardly breathe from the pain in my chest, from the fear of him hating me forever. It was like a nightmare playing out before my eyes. I reached out to him desperately and my heart was severed from me in a way that felt excruciatingly permanent as he jerked away from my hand.
“Don’t ever touch me again,” he warned in a voice so deadly it gave me chills.
I stepped back, my legs going weak and my whole body numb as he moved past me and down the hallway towards the stairs. I let myself slide down to the floor, too stunned to think or speak – I could barely breathe as it was. Mags carefully stepped over me, flashing me one quick, almost pitiful look.
“I’ll talk to him, he’ll listen to me,” she told me over her shoulder as she hurried after him. It didn’t sound like much of a reassurance, her voice was too confident, her expression almost smug.
And then I was left alone.
I stared at the wall across from me, looking at the loose threads in the carpet’s edge and the scuffs from passengers’ shoes near the base of the wall. I sat there in numb silence, tears quietly flowing down my cheeks as I allowed the anguish inside of me to rise up and swallow me whole. I still couldn’t quite process what had happened but as I sat there, staring at the wall, I forced myself to relieve events and to see it all from Sebastian’s perspective.
Sebastian thought I was Caoilinn or at least, he thought she really was still alive inside of me. And I had just shown him a new, darker side to Caoilinn, confirming all of his recent suspicions. Since Caoilinn and myself were the only ones powerful enough and with the knowledge necessary to complete the memory altering spell, obviously Sebastian had realized that Caoilinn had altered his memories. And there was no way for me to either confirm or deny these suspicions.
I didn’t know what the truth was anymore. I knew that I wasn’t Caoilinn. I refused to admit that any part of her might be alive inside of me still but… I had been able to embody her somehow, however briefly. When I confronted the Others, I had felt like her – like I did in my dream memories. I had even started to talk like her and think like her but had it been no more than just playing a role? Could she really be alive still, somewhere inside of me? I didn’t know what to think. I only knew that Sebastian was furious at Caoilinn, that the faith that he had held in his love for her for thousands of years had now been shattered. And that if he truly believed her to be a part of me, then part of his love for me had been permanently altered too. There was no turning back now, there was no hope for our future. I knew that I had now lost him forever.
At some point, my tears stopped and I dragged myself back into our cabin. I was surprised to find myself there, not completely aware of how or when I’d crawled between the doors and curled up on one of the small bench seats. Kulata was very close to the Greek border and I knew we’d be disembarking the train at Thessaloniki soon. I decided I would start preparing to get off the train. It only took a few minutes to pack up my things but it felt so good to be doing something that I began tidying the small compartment,
picking lint up off the chairs and floor, restacking the magazines that had been left for us and ordering our empty pop cans beside the small garbage can – anything to keep my mind off of what had just happened.
There was a light and hesitant tap on the door that made me look up in surprise. I hurried over and slid the door open, unable to guess who might be knocking so timidly.
“May I come in?” Sebastian asked in a quiet yet calm voice. He still didn’t quite meet my eye. I was shocked to see him standing there. I had never thought he would speak to me again so quickly, if even at all.
I nodded mutely, stepping far back so he had more than enough room to enter.
He hesitated for a moment before stepping inside, quickly shutting the door behind him. He gestured for me to sit and I immediately did so. He remained standing, shifting uneasily from foot to foot.
“I am furious with Caoilinn,” he pronounced darkly, it was strange to see his expression twist so painfully at just the mention of her name. “But I shall try not to take it out on you. It is going to be hard, I can’t seem to separate the two of you like I used to… but I don’t want to blame you for her mistakes. I know we need to work together still.” He finally looked at me, his eyes so clouded and confused, his emotions so complex that it was impossible for me to read them. He frowned, rubbing with his fingers at the headache that I could guess was building in his temple.
“Thank you. I don’t want you to hate me. I’m so sorry for… for everything. I don’t want you to hate me, no matter how I might deserve it,” I whispered miserably, staring down at my hands. My heart still throbbed painfully but it wasn’t quite as bad now that he was talking to me again, now that he wasn’t yelling and glaring at me with his hate-filled eyes.
“I don’t want to hate you,” he answered quietly. He sat down beside me, a careful distance left between our bodies. “Gracelynn… I’m so confused. I know Mags loves me and I remember loving her once but I thought you loved me once too and I don’t want to… I mean, I just want…”
The door smoothly slid open before he could finish and Mags strode in. She looked vaguely surprised to find us sitting so closely together. Irritation flickered in her emerald eyes.
“Did you apologize to her?” she demanded.
Sebastian blinked, immediately looking confused. He ran his fingers quickly through his hair.
“I think I did, didn’t I?” he asked me, the quiet intensity with which he’d been speaking to me moments before having vanished.
I forced myself to smile at him as reassuringly as I was able to. I felt so horribly nauseous though. His obvious confusion and rapidly changing moods scared me and I feared for his sanity.
“You did,” I softly assured him.
“And did you tell her?” Mags pushed.
I looked at Sebastian questioningly.
“Tell me what?”
He shifted almost uncomfortably before answering.
“In Thessaloniki, there’s a Church not far from the train station – we’ll be heading there first.” Mags gave Sebastian an encouraging smile as she sat down in the seat across from me. I could tell already that I was not going to like what I was about to hear. “Mags thinks we should renew our marriage vows, that it may help break the bond I share with Caoilinn and reduce her influence over me. I want to know what memories it was that she altered and since there’s almost always a loophole left behind by our magic…”
“No,” I denied, surprised by the soft and calm quality to my voice despite the emotions raging and raving within me. “Your magic and the magic of the Others leaves loopholes, ways to possibly undo what you want to be done but Caoilinn’s magic is different. It is as permanent as the marks on your body - on our bodies.” I added, glancing down at the black tattoo of the Binding spell that twisted up and around my arm.
Sebastian hesitated, suddenly looking doubtful. Mags jumped in immediately.
“It’s worth a try,” she pointed out. “We’re already married anyway, what harm could there be in renewing the vows that already bind us?”
She was right. There was no harm in them trying, other than the harm it would secretly and silently do to me. I couldn’t object. I knew that Mags wanted to try and help Sebastian and that she also wanted to renew her vows and her commitment to him because of her love. How could I say I loved Sebastian, yet hate anyone who loved him? If his choice was between her and I, I could no longer deny what the better, healthier choice for him to make would be. And how could I not want that? How could I not want for him to be happy, even if that happiness meant losing him forever?
“I’d like to try,” Sebastian agreed.
I nodded. “Do whatever you want.”
Mags eyed me strangely. She was probably surprised that I’d given up so easily but I really had given up now. I could see that the only possible future that I could or should want for Sebastian, was for him to be happy with someone else. It would be wrong, immoral even, for me to want anything else.
We gathered our things as the train began to slow and approached the station in Thessaloniki, Greece. I had been looking forward to getting off the train, to ending this horrible, travel nightmare but now that I knew where we were headed… Well, it didn’t really matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. I felt utterly destroyed. My heart had been run through the blender too many times to ever rebuild the pieces. All that was left for me now was to keep Sebastian safe and to want the right thing. It was my only possible redemption.
The station at Thessaloniki reminded me of an airport. It was a small but busy place, bustling with travelers and tourists alike. It was fairly obvious that none of us were Greek but we didn’t attract any unwanted notice, we wouldn’t have even without our abilities. The train station itself was located in downtown Thessaloniki and we waited just outside the large front entrance of the station for a bus that would take us to the church Mags had in mind. As we stood sweating under the hot, midday sun, I stared silently straight ahead, ignoring all the sights and sounds around me and concentrating on holding myself together and fighting the strange sensation of the solid ground swaying beneath me with the same steady rhythm of the train.
“Perfect! This one will do,” Mags announced as a large city bus pulled into the pick-up/drop-off zone. She grabbed Sebastian by the hand and pulled him along as the bus came to a slow stop before us – her and Sebastian were the first two to board.
I let the crowds push ahead of me and stumbled onto the bus last, reluctantly taking the only empty seat left that just happened to be immediately behind Sebastian and Mags. I stared at his messy, black hair that shone under the sun streaming in through the window. I studied the back of his neck, the hint of his tattoo that coiled up and out of the neck of his t-shirt, his broad shoulders and the small, dark earrings that looped through his ears. Every time I saw Mags lean closer to him, each word she whispered into his ear with a flirtatious smile lighting up her beautiful face, every tilt of her head that caused the waves of her red-gold hair to crash against his black locks, every joyful smile and gesture she made before me only increased and deepened my pain, extended my agony. And still I watched. Still I forced myself to look at them, and only them, for the duration of our ride.
It was a short eternity later when the bus came to a stop and Mags stood up. She and Sebastian didn’t even check to see if I followed them as they rose from their shared seat and made their way to the front of the bus, Mags’ hand firmly clasping Sebastian’s once more. I followed them reluctantly. I had no choice.
I hadn’t paid much attention to my surroundings since we’d disembarked the train but I forced myself to look around now. The street we found ourselves on in Greece was full of character and life, a unique blend of modern and ancient Greek architecture, frescoes and sculptures.
The street we were now walking down was wide and paved, with sidewalks and buildings that rose up at least two stories high on both sides of the street. There were restaurants and coffee shops mixed in with stores and th
e occasional pub, hostel and hotel. I guessed that this would be the district we’d be staying in, if we were even going to stay here. Mags still hadn’t told me the exact location of The Order’s head temple in Greece. I had no idea of what her plans were beyond this “renew our vows” idea.
“There’s the church,” Mags announced happily. She gestured down the street to a small church that was nestled in between two old buildings just before the street curved away and around the corner. The church itself was a brick building with one small spire rising up from it. There was a set of ten or so concrete steps that led up to the large, wooden front doors. A large cross on the tip of the spire flared gold in the sun and the sign near the street announced the church to be of the Christian Orthodox faith.
“Let’s go find the minister,” Mags suggested as she began practically skipping towards the stairs. In her joy, she didn’t immediately notice that Sebastian hadn’t followed. It even took me a second to realize that he had hesitated near me, pausing at the bottom of the stairway and suddenly watching me with his beautiful, ancient eyes.
For a moment I was struck by how intensely sad he looked. I could remember a time when his eyes had always smiled at me, when they had sparkled with such joy and youthful hope that he could literally raise my spirits with just one look. Now I couldn’t remember the last time he had looked that way. My sadness sank impossibly deeper within me, combining and intertwining with his own.
“Do you want to wait outside?” Sebastian asked me quietly, a tinge of familiar concern in his eyes. “You don’t need to be here for this and it won’t take long.”
I immediately shook my head.
“I want to hear your vows,” I answered honestly, my voice emotionless and yet still bleeding with pain. I wanted to hear him renew his vows to Mags, to sever all ties to me, to know that he was happy and to allow my heart to permanently break. “The only thing I want is for you to be happy, nothing else matters anymore,” I added in a hushed and lowered voice, not wanting for Mags to hear.
