I implode. My stomach becomes a black hole that sucks in the rest of me atom by atom.
What’s left of me follows Fin through the barrier. I look back, but Julia and Lucinda aren’t following. Their eyes are fixed on me. Thank god they don’t have an all-access wristband like I do.
The last act is already finished, and the backstage crew is running around setting up their equipment. I sink into the shadows while the guys get ready, and jump when Fin appears next to me.
“You got a good view from here.”
I nod wildly – I’m incapable of words right now.
“See you soon,” he says, kissing me on the cheek.
His stubble feels rough against my skin. I brush the spot with my fingertips, trying to hold on to the sensation.
The stage lights go on and the crowd erupts. There are thousands of people.
I feel ice cold. All I want to do is run away, but I know if I do, I can never come back. The crew goes straight into the first song. Fin and Brendan face each other and battle like they did that night in the studio. The crowd loves it.
I’ve never seen Fin like this before. Larger than himself. Brighter and more powerful. Out there, he really is Thor. They tackle their next song with even more energy, while I sink further into the shadows. I know this isn’t my world. All those people out there, standing on each other’s shoulders, their hands in the air, jumping up and down like one united party animal. I’m not like them.
And I never deserved the happiness I have had with Fin. It was never anthing but pretending.
I turn away, head for the stairs and escape behind the stage. The music is too loud for me to escape his gravelly voice. It rains down on me, crushing me. I settle down on the cold steel steps behind the stage and wait for the set to finish. I can still hear the audience roaring.
Out here, it’s just me and the stars.
After a while I realise the set is over and the background music they loop between acts has started playing. I look up just as Fin appears down the stairs, looking left and right. He spots me and hurries down.
“What the hell, Kayla? I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Why did you leave?”
“This is as quiet as it gets here,” I say.
“Please tell me you saw some of it?”
I nod. “I did. You were amazing.”
He sits down next to me. “Everyone’s going to the bar by the dam. Let’s go.”
I shake my head. “I’m just going to head back to the tent. I think I’ve had enough for one day.”
He takes my hand. “No, no, no. Don’t fade on me now, babe. Please?”
“I’m sorry.”
He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “Okay. I’ll take you. Stay here. I’m just going to tell the others.” He dashes off but is back in less than five minutes.
We walk with our arms folded across our chests. It’s so dark I can’t see where I’m going. He has every reason to be upset with me. But I can’t ignore this fear inside me. I feel sick to my stomach and my hands have started to shake.
Fin doesn’t say anything, but he’s chewing his cheeks so I know he’s annoyed. When we eventually find our tent, I crawl inside. I don’t expect him to follow, but he does. He draws the zip closed behind him and scoots up to me.
“What’s going on, Kayla? And don’t tell me it’s nothing. You’ve been freaked out this whole week. And you’re a hundred times worse today. What is it?”
My body starts to tremble. “Please don’t ask me. I can’t tell you.”
He hits the ground with his fist, making me jump. “Don’t do this, Kayla. I’m here with you, aren’t I? All my friends are out there celebrating and I said no, because you’re more important to me. So don’t tell me not to ask what’s wrong.”
I attempt to burrow into the sleeping bag, but he pulls me back out.
“I’m going to keep asking till you tell me.”
Our eyes meet in the dark. Suddenly I’m crying, and I don’t know how to stop.
I want to tell him that I’ve done something terrible. The words are there in my throat, waiting. But they won’t come.
Then Fin starts laughing. “Oh, Kayla. You’re so crazy, but I love you for it. We’re so similar. You don’t see it, but sometimes when I look at you, I see myself. Haven’t you realised that I just want to be wherever you are?”
He leans forward and starts kissing away the salty tears on my cheeks. My lips part and he encloses them with his own. I’m still shaking as we sink down onto the sleeping bag, kissing and breathing and groaning. No one outside the tent can hear us over the non-stop thrum of the electronic tent.
“I’ve just wanted to be alone with you all night,” he says between breaths. “Just you. No one else.” He lifts my hoodie over my head and my T-shirt follows.
I slip down my jeans and he doesn’t stop me. He watches, his chest heaving, as I pull my feet free and kick the jeans away. He pries off his hoodie and shirt. I swallow. We’re completely alone with no one to disturb us, no one to be quiet for. I know he’s thinking the same thing. He pulls down his own jeans and I inhale sharply, knowing what’s going to happen. The guilt I’ve been feeling intensifies.
“I love you,” he says. “I love you so fucking much.” He lowers himself onto me and pushes against me. I can feel how much he wants me.
I’ve never wanted anyone so much in my entire life. But I’ve never wanted to be anywhere else as much either.
We kiss deeply. His love radiates from him. This is what being wanted feels like. This is what being loved feels like. I’ve had it with Fin this whole time.
And I’ve never been so miserable.
“I love you, Fin,” I whisper as a tear escapes down my cheek.
The words taste poisonous.
Finlay
STELLENBOSCH, SUNDAY
I’ve never felt so alive at six in the morning. Not that I could sleep with all the noise going on around us anyway.
While Kayla goes in search of a shower, I head off to the dam, where the other guys are floating off their hangovers in the early-morning sun. When I get to them, I pull off my jersey and drop it on the bank before wading in. I couldn’t stop smiling even if I tried. Bones throws me a beer. Only at a festival can beer count as breakfast.
Brendan lifts up his sunglasses and squints at me with red eyes. “What happened to you last night?”
“Don’t ask the man that,” interrupts Bones. “He was clearly getting busy with his lady.”
I grin, and they start making stupid monkey noises. I kick water at them and settle down on my haunches. “We still have tonight to party. And I’m sure the bar hasn’t run out of stock yet.”
“Urgh. I can’t even,” says Brendan.
“Jägerbombs,” whispers Bones, pointing to Brendan.
“Nice one.” I balance the beer on my knee and tie back my hair.
Jules and her pianist friend wade over in their teeny-tiny bikinis. They give each other a strange look and sigh like something’s bothering them. Girls can be so dramatic.
Jules looks up at me, her lips all pouty. “Can I talk to you, Fin? It’s important,” she says.
What now? “Okay.”
Brendan shoots me a look. I just shrug. I have no idea what his sister wants. Her friend stays behind and immediately starts putting the moves on Bones. Jules and I walk along the bank towards the end of the dam, where it’s quieter.
“So, what’s up?” I ask, keeping as far away from her as possible. I can’t imagine being with her now. Since I met Kayla, the thought of being with another girl is like science fiction.
Her eyes are downcast. “I have something to tell you. About Kayla. But before I do, I want you to know it’s got nothing to do with what happened between you and me. That was a crush. Nothing else. This is because you’re one of my oldest friends, and I think you have a right to know.”
I stop fidgeting and look at her. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. But it’s going to be a lie, like everything else she’s sa
id about my girlfriend. Jules doesn’t understand that Kayla and I have the same dark core and that we tell each other everything.
As Jules begins to talk, my insides start to burn up like cigarette ash.
The sky falls down around me, like I’m reliving the dinosaur extinction.
No. Kayla wouldn’t do that. Not to me.
It’s too specific to be a lie. But how could it be true?
It’s impossible.
“Craig’s here?” I ask through my teeth.
She nods. “Lucinda spoke to him yesterday. He was pretty blatant about it. He was bragging to all his friends.”
My head starts to throb and my fingers open and close in anger.
“Take me to him. I want to hear it from his mouth.”
THE LITTLE BASTARD is wearing a green-and-red striped towel over his head and a pair of neon-pink sunglasses. I walk up to him, grab the end of the towel and twist it around his neck, dragging him onto the ground. His friends scuttle back like crabs.
“Fin, you’re going to choke him. Stop it!” Jules shouts behind me.
I yank at the towel. “Why are you spreading rumours about my girlfriend?”
Craig, red in the face, coughs and splutters and grabs at the towel around his throat. “It’s not a rumour,” he gasps. “It happened.”
I loosen my grip so he can talk and kick him in the ribs. “I’ll kill you, you little bastard. One more word and I swear to God –”
He leaps onto his feet and backs away, massaging his throat. “I’m not lying. Chick wasn’t getting any from you, so I gave it to her.”
I rush forward but his friends are now surrounding him. A hand grabs me from behind.
“Fin, calm down, bru,” Brendan says behind me. “You want to get us thrown out?”
Craig glares at me from the middle of a thick shield of friends. “Not my fault the guy doesn’t know what to do with his own junk.”
I throw Brendan off and stalk off back to the artists’ camp.
Craig’s words echo in my head: Chick wasn’t getting any from you, so I gave it to her.
Kayla emerges from the tent as I approach. She takes a step back when she sees my expression.
“Fin, what’s wrong?”
I’m so angry it’s hard to breathe. I gasp at the dry air. “Tell me it isn’t true, Kayla. Tell me you didn’t sleep with someone else last week, and then tell me you loved me.”
She pales and I can see the truth in her eyes. Her mouth opens and closes but no words come out.
“Tell me!”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was so confused and –”
I grip my hair with both hands. “Jesus, Kayla.” I can take anything. Anything but this.
She reaches out to me. “Fin –”
I back away from her, feeling nauseous. “No. Don’t. Get away from me.”
“Fin, please.” Her hands fall helplessly to her sides.
I turn on the spot. My knees are going to buckle. I need to get away from here.
The world is ending.
Part II
Kayla
RONDEBOSCH, TUESDAY, THREE WEEKS LATER
Fin’s lies:
I just wanted to hear your voice.
I know I saw you yesterday, but I can’t stay away.
I’ll do anything for you.
I’ll never leave you.
You’re everything I ever wanted.
I need you.
I don’t want to ever let you go.
It’s you and me against the world.
I’ll never believe another word a guy says to me ever again. He’s emptied me of all hope, of the precious fluttering piece of me that had survived all my past disappointments. I don’t know who this new me is. I’m just a remnant of Kayla.
AYANDA PASSES THE bottle and I take a large swig before passing it to Michael. We’re sitting on a pair of swings in a park in Rondebosch, with the rest of the group circled around us. We’ve been skating since sunset, and have only just stopped to hang out and get a little tipsy. Evening rush hour has long since passed, and now the cars are whipping past us on the highway. Somewhere in the distance, a police siren blares. At night, Rondebosch can feel like Gotham City.
Dexter’s friend Louis keeps grinning at me and lowering his eyes when I look up. He’s so obviously flirting with me, but I try not to reciprocate.
I’m still hung up on Fin. Just thinking about him stings. It’s been just over three weeks since he abandoned me.
I jump off the swing and drag my board to the gravel pathway. Thinking about Fin makes me want to get away.
I swipe my hair out my face and my hand grazes the shaved side of my head, where Ayanda gave me an undercut last week. I’ve been hiding it under the rest of my hair at school. I kick off down the path, enjoying the feeling of skating drunk. Nothing matters – fear, anger, love. I’m just having fun.
I hear wheels on gravel behind me. Louis is coming after me, his dreadlocks flaring out behind him.
“Wait up, girl.”
“Try and catch me,” I say.
There’s a step coming up. I stop just in time, knowing that Louis won’t know it’s there in the dark, and bend down to do a quick one-eighty. As I suspected, he bails and rolls across the tar in pain.
I burst out laughing.
“You’re a cruel, cruel woman,” he says, rubbing his elbows.
“You don’t know the half of it.”
Since the break-up, I’ve changed my look completely. I got my nose pierced and dyed all my hair blue. Lorenda is apoplectic, but I don’t care. The school hasn’t kicked me out yet, but it won’t be long now. Craig hasn’t tried to hook up with me again, despite his protestations of love. I knew none of it was true anyway. But I’ve learned my lesson now.
No one gets to make a fool out of me again.
Not Fin. Not Craig. Not Louis. I’m done.
So done.
We pile into various cars and ride to The Bunker, taking our usual seats on the bench in the courtyard and throwing all the cash we have onto the table. I slowly count it out with my fingers.
“We have enough for a jug and maybe two single beers,” I say. I’m a quick learner.
Dexter collects the money in both hands and disappears.
I sit back and pull my legs up onto the bench. From here I can see inside the club, where the usual idiots are playing pool. It seems so long ago since I came here with Fin. Louis slides in beside me and shows me the graze on his wrist.
“You did this,” he says, sounding impressed.
“I’ll try to do better next time,” I say.
Dexter returns with the drinks balanced in his arms. Ayanda stands next to him, carrying a single shot of tequila.
“For you,” she says, handing it to me.
I raise an eyebrow. “What for?”
The two exchange a grin.
“I got a notification on Facebook saying it’s a certain missy’s birthday today,” Ayanda says.
I open my mouth in surprise. I’ve been seventeen all day and I didn’t click it was my birthday until right this second. No wonder Lorenda was so upset when I blew her off this morning. I didn’t even give her a chance to wish me. I take the shot and down it in one go, shuddering. The others cheer. I smile, but then I see Dexter and Ayanda squeezed close together with their arms around each other. They’re constantly kissing or necking and holding hands.
My smile freezes on my face. “Thanks, it’s no big deal.”
But it is. I should be spending my birthday with Fin, but I don’t even know where he is right now. There’s nothing but a cold, dark hole where he used to be. I hide it with a smile.
“Oh no, no, no,” says Louis. “It’s a huge deal. Let’s drink. No one’s going to bed early tonight.”
RONDEBOSCH, WEDNESDAY
When I open my eyes, all I want to do is die. It takes me an age to get to the bathroom and wash up for school. I hardly remember what happened last night. Just flas
hes of drinking more shots and dancing to Nineties grunge and falling into bed somehow, some time during the night.
There’s no way I can ride my board in this state so I stagger all the way to school like an extra from The Walking Dead. I think I’m still drunk. It’s possible, considering we ended up playing mixed-drink roulette all night. I think that’s what happened.
I lurch into Music and lean against the wall for balance. I need to quit this stuck-up class. In fact, there’s no better day for it.
I’m done with Music. This place.
When Lucinda walks in she smiles at me, like she’s proud she’s ruined my life. I’ve been plotting her grisly, violent death in my head for three weeks.
“Why does it smell like a brewery in here?” she asks, shaking her hand in front of her nose with a self-satisfied smirk.
It’s not me who walks up to her and pushes her. I hear the sound of my voice shouting: “You bitch! You think I don’t know what you did?”
She pushes me back. “What’s your problem, freak?”
I lurch back into my body. But instead of cringing and shying away like the old Kayla would have done, I push her again and we make a shoving, flailing, hair-pulling descent. When she scratches my face, I hit her with the first thing in my reach: my flute. Again and again.
Bodies push us apart. Mr Emersen rushes between us, red in the face and furious. The path clears as I crouch, ready to fly at Lucinda, my hair hanging in my face and my teeth bared. I launch myself forward but Mr Emersen blocks my path. I push against his chest and he holds me at arm’s length.
“Enough! The principal’s office, both of you.” I notice that he’s turned purple.
I DON’T KNOW how long we sit in Ms Bennet’s office.
My head is throbbing while voices speak around me. Lucinda is whining in fast forward, rattling off a story about how I attacked her. She’s throwing out every insult she can think of. Dangerous. Schizo. Crazy.
“Because you’re so perfect,” I spit.
Several sets of eyes bore into me. I look away hotly. My sarcasm is so on point that I guess people can’t even tell when I’m being genuine anymore. It’s not a great trait to have in situations like this.
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