“Around four am,” says the officer. “The authorities were alerted around four thirty.”
As I suspected, Lorenda rounds on him. “Well, then you’re wasting your time. Kayla was home then – my husband and I can both confirm that. And as you can see, her arm is broken. She couldn’t possibly have had anything to do with the fire. It’s viciousness, that’s what it is. My daughter had one altercation with another student and now they’re lumping her in with the list of delinquents. I won’t stand for it. My daughter has her whole future ahead of her and I won’t allow nasty lies to taint her chances. I’m already fighting her expulsion. Tell me, officer, am I within my rights to open a case of slander against the school?”
The officer looks like he’s been caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. “I don’t know about that, ma’am. But I’m sorry for wasting your time. We just have to check, you see. The commander wants us to investigate every complaint.”
“I see. Well, I might have a word with your commander. This feels very much like harassment.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. I’ll ask him to ring you. I apologise.” He can’t leave fast enough.
When he’s gone, Lorenda re-enters the lounge and leans against the doorframe. I notice that she’s looking older.
“You didn’t have anything to do with that fire, did you?” she asks.
Little batwings of guilt flutter in my chest. “No, Ma.”
She looks at me for a long time. “Well, okay then,” she says.
It seems she actually believed me.
Finlay
LANSDOWNE, MONDAY
In my dreams she kisses me, hot and fast, like she can’t get enough. I touch her all over. I know her shoulders by heart, the curve of her arms, the trace of her belly. Being with her drives me crazy. I twine my fingers through her hair and twist round and round till we’re joined together in a knot. I burn up inside when she opens her eyes and looks at me in that innocent, fragile, all-consuming way. When she smiles, I turn to ash.
Marshall flicks me on the shoulder and I look over, half asleep.
I rub my face with my knuckles and stare blearily at the whiteboard. She won’t leave me alone, asleep or awake.
“Got any entjies?” Marshall asks.
Ever since I moved to the back of the class, he thinks we’re friends. Funny thing is that Reynolds isn’t on my case as much anymore. It’s like he knows I’ve given up. He’s won. Doesn’t stop him from giving me regular detention though.
I nod and reach into my blazer for the crumpled packet of cigarettes, and hand one to Marshall. I shouldn’t be smoking cigarettes. My lungs are killing me.
I sigh and rest my head back on my hand. I’m totally going to fail matric again. Everything is falling apart. The Den cancelled on me after my disastrous show at Sky Club and I haven’t had another gig since. Monkey is wailing on me to give his gear back. I’ve got his MacBook in my backpack and it’s looking more grey than silver.
My only break is that there’s an electronic music festival happening this coming weekend, and I’ve been booked as one of the early gigs. It’s a terrible time slot: five in the afternoon, when nobody is even going to be there. Dark Father has got a prime slot at midnight. It’s embarrassing, but it’s my only option. I’ll get Monkey back on board so I can nail it. I need to be sober this time.
At lunch, Marshall and I head out onto the field to share a joint. I don’t really want to hang with him – the guy’s a complete thug and he smokes too many of my cigarettes. So when a group of grade elevens runs past kicking a soccer ball, he dashes off after them and I disappear like a ninja. I head to the back of the school and pull out my phone.
Monkey. Electro Fest weekend. You gonna man the decks?
No ways. You crazy.
I’m not playing, man. It’s a huge gig. The crowd’s gonna be mental.
You gonna mess up again?
No, man. We gonna nail it. Take Odin Son to the next level.
OK
Yes, Monkey, my man! Practice tonight. My place.
The guy’s still a complete idiot though.
I LOCK MY bedroom door behind Monkey and kick away a pile of clothes on the floor so we have some space to work. Monkey’s gaze lingers on the fist-shaped holes in the wall. I shove a pair of underpants under the bed while he sets up.
“Whoa, how many songs have you written?” he says.
“I dunno. About twenty.”
He whistles. “That’s way more than we need for an album.”
I scratch the back of my neck. “Most of it’s unusable. It’s just random thoughts.”
It’s true. Ninety per cent of the tracks are about backstabbing ex-girlfriends. Unplayable. Girls don’t want to hear about you having your head beaten in with your own heart by someone else.
Monkey wipes my earphones on his shirt and presses one cup to his ear. “These are some sick tracks,” he says, nodding his head.
I look over his shoulder. He’s playing “Raven Wings” – one of the few tracks that aren’t only about Kayla.
“Let’s start with this one,” he says.
I don’t bother with the mic. No point pushing the old man’s buttons, even if he’s mostly leaving me alone these days. I don’t want to push the boundaries with Monkey here – I need him for the show.
They call me Odin Son!
I am the chosen one!
I fly on raven wings across the sky; I see all from above – girls want me, can never have this brother’s love.
Dark power! I am the son of All Father.
Strike the world with my iron hammer,
watch buildings fall from Cape Town to Syria.
You can’t see me. I shape the world as I want it;
run screaming or I’ll slam ya.
They call me Odin’s Son!
I am the chosen one!”
Monkey nods. “Let’s loop the chorus here.”
I wait for the beat to come round.
“Thor’s here to tell you what’s what bitch, you can’t touch this.
Look at me and turn to salt.
I see the future, see the past, the present,
it’s irrelevant.
I’m Odin’s Son!
Bitch, you never gonna get none.
Don’t say you the only one – just get gone!”
Monkey mixes in the beat and raises his arm, waving it in the air.
I grin. This is it: This is going to be the song that makes me. We play it again, and I really nail it this time. The beat. The verse. The hook. Everything works.
“One done,” I say, wiping sweat from my face.
“Let’s lose some of the bitches. We want some female fans, don’t we?”
“Number five, ‘Graveyard girl’. That one has less than ten bitches in it, I think. I’ll swop a few around. Change some lines.”
He laughs. “Oh, this is going to be epic.”
I jump around the room like a wild animal while Monkey manipulates the beat.
I’m starting to see that behind all the dumb-assery, he’s a music wizard. He just needs to stop lending out his gear to stoner friends. I’m getting excited again. And this time I’m not going to sabotage it.
AT AROUND ONE am I flop down on the bed. I’m too wired to sleep, so I reach down for my bankie and discover a half-finished joint from earlier.
I know I shouldn’t. I need a clear head, but I light it anyway and take a long drag, then another. While I smoke, I scroll through the images on my phone. I’ve deleted most of my pictures, except for one – Kayla on my lap, looking up at me with those big anime eyes.
I prop myself up on my elbow and look down at her, stroke the glass with my finger.
“I have a show coming up. It’s going to be huge. I wish you could see it. You’d be so proud of me, baby.”
I feel my smile twist into a grimace.
What the hell are you doing, Fin, you crazy freak.
I swipe the gallery closed and kill the joint between my finger
s.
Don’t go nuts on me now, kid.
But it’s too late for that.
Kayla
RONDEBOSCH, TUESDAY
There’s a new post on Odin Son’s SoundCloud page about the upcoming show at Electro Fest.
The skater gang is all going. Louis is driving up for the day and says he’ll give me a lift there and back, and even lend me the money for the ticket if I want. I’m lying on my stomach with my laptop open in front of me, kicking my legs up and down.
I’m not ready to see Fin, I tell myself.
Who am I kidding? I love him. Of course I’m going. It doesn’t matter who’s going to be there. Maybe he’ll see me there and realise how sorry I am. Hope flutters inside me.
I’m pathetic.
My phone vibrates and I snatch it up, but it’s only a message from Louis.
Want to go see a movie? It’s Half-price Tuesday.
I don’t want to, but I really, really want him to take me to the festival, so I’d better stay on his good side. When did I become reduced to this, playing the same game that guys have used against me time and time again? I feel like Poison Ivy, using my powers to control men.
Yeah, ok.
Louis’s alright, I guess. I’m just the wrong girl, at the wrong time. Or I’m just wrong. He deserves so much better than me.
WE HEAD TO Bayside, which is close to where he lives in Sunningdale. I like that the air smells like the sea here. He drives past the beach, which is emptying now that the sun is going down, except for one lonely kitesurfer hovering in the air.
“Have you ever kitesurfed?” I ask Louis.
He glances at me from the driver’s seat. His dreadlocks are tied into a low ponytail that hangs thickly along his spine.
“Yeah. I used to go out there a lot, but I sold my gear when I was saving up to buy my car.”
“That’s too bad. It looks fun.”
He smiles across at me. “It is.”
We pull into the mall parking lot and he dashes around the car to open my door for me. I frown, remembering the last guy who did that. I shove my hands into the pockets of my hoodie so he doesn’t try to grab one.
“So, uh, you and Dexter seem to be getting closer,” he says.
I study his face, and see how hard he’s trying to keep his expression passive.
“Not really. Why are you bringing that up all of a sudden?”
“No reason.”
I kick at the ground awkwardly. “We’re not. I’m not really close with anyone.”
“I’ve noticed. Why?”
“Reasons.”
He nods and we walk the rest of the way in silence.
“It’s hard to figure you out, Kay. You keep your secrets hidden.”
“That’s what you’re supposed to do with secrets, aren’t you?”
“Well, you keep everything hidden. Sometimes I get the feeling that I like you more than you like yourself. It’s hard for a guy, you know?”
“Actually, I don’t know.” I’m getting angry. I don’t like being criticised. I do enough of that by myself.
“Sorry,” he says. “I’m just trying to get to know you better.”
“That’s the problem. You probably wouldn’t like me once you got to know me.”
He frowns. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Kay. Why don’t you let me make that decision.”
This was a mistake. I can feel my brain trying to slip back into old-Kayla mode. I can’t let that happen. Can’t open up.
I look up, a closed book. “Race you into the movie.”
He smiles. It’s totally fake. I think he might be starting to give up on me. Playing hard to get only works for so long.
“After you.”
Two hours later, I think I’ll never be more grateful to see the movie credits. Louis keeps his hands tucked neatly in his own seat the whole time. I doubt he’ll try and make a move after I put the brakes on our little chat. I roll my head away and remember the last time I was at a movie. How Fin and I had our foreheads pressed together the whole time. I replay our first kiss over and over, even though it causes a sharp jolt of pain in my chest. I imagine his closeness, his smell. It feels so real. But also so far away, like another life.
After the movie, Louis parks at the beach and we go for a walk – it feels like another attempt to win me over. It’s cold and the waves are grey, but this doesn’t feel like a romantic date to me. Those cold grey waves are enticing for a whole other reason.
I shouldn’t have come.
I stop and face him. He smiles at me, his hands deep in his pockets. He’s bouncing on the spot to keep warm.
“Look, Louis. Today was great, but I’m just not in the right headspace to be emotionally involved with anyone right now.”
“It’s okay, Kay. You don’t have to explain. I just like being around you – is that so bad?”
I look at my feet. “I guess not.”
We carry on walking.
“You’re awesome. You’re one of the best skaters I know. You’re funny. Beautiful. The only girl I’ve ever met who knows more about comics than I do.”
And unattainable. Guys always want what they can’t have. “And batshit, apparently.”
“Nah, you’re not so bad.”
I feel really bad for leading him on like this. Ayanda was right – he really is one of the good ones. I wish I could like him in the same way he likes me. And that’s just making him like me even more, like I drive him crazy or something. But he doesn’t know the real me, and I love Fin. I can’t make those feelings go away.
I’ve tried.
Finlay
WEST COAST, SATURDAY
I keep my sunglasses on so I don’t have to make eye contact with anyone. They’re all here, all the bastards who think they’re better than me. Brendan, Bones, DJ and the rest of their new crew. Monkey and I strut through the crowd like we don’t see them. And if those assholes stick around to watch my set, so be it. I’m a better rapper than any of them.
I steer past the bar knowing that one drink is just going to lead to another. I need to be on my best game. The crowd isn’t that big yet, just a few groups sitting on the dry grass.
I turn to scan the field, and spot Kayla sitting in the middle of a large group of grungy skaters. My shoulders tense up. At that moment she looks up, and her smile disappears.
It sucks out all my excitement. Our eyes remain locked like she can see right through my sunglasses. Only when Monkey smacks me on the arm does the spell break.
“What are you doing, bro?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, let’s roll.”
Why can’t she just leave me alone?
My lungs hurt. Every time I see her, she knocks the breath right out of me. The last message she sent me a few days ago really cut into me. I’m such an asshole. But she’s a bigger asshole. If I wasn’t so angry with her, I’d think we were perfect for each other.
We head to the stage to meet with the backstage crew. Monkey looks nervous and ridiculous at the same time in his neon-green peak cap and Hawaiian floral shirt and matching shorts. But this is a festival. Everyone dresses crazy. I bounce on my feet, shake out my hands.
I’m not going to let Kayla unnerve me. Or Dark Father. This is who I am. I’m Thor. The stage is my realm.
We walk out. There aren’t many people in front of the stage – time to change that. I motion to Monkey to start the first loop. I start bouncing and lift the mic.
People of the city, know who I am?
I’m Thor, here to educate you,
hate you, tell your fate to you.
Come to the night city, black wings, one-eyed strange things,
where heroes die and live again.
City of back-stabbing creatures and bastard men;
No one can save you ‘cos your destiny is here.
I am the son of All Father,
be warned about me,
I’m Thor, Odin’s Son, and will be long after you all gone.”
I
lift the mic and sway my head from side to side. People are standing up and coming forward. Jumping.
I smile – that’s more like it.
“I’m the one in the old tales;
Black magic man with ragged coat-tails.
The lightning god. The thunder cloud.
I strip your clothes off.
I fly above you, watch you, don’t care shit ’bout you.
I’m wise, ice-mountain landslide.”
We go straight into the next song and the crowd swells. I spot Brendan and the rest of the clowns standing at the back, their arms folded, watching us. I lift up my head and the words slip out smoother than Brendan could ever manage.
I wave my arm and the crowd bounces up and down like I’m their puppet master. Despite the rush of being on stage, adrenaline surging through me, I scan the grounds searching for my ghost.
I spot her on the sidelines. She’s watching me. She’s wearing torn black jeans and an equally frayed Nirvana T-shirt under a denim jacket, and her black beanie. Even from here I can see how miserable she is. I get a flashback to her face that night of the recital. Monkey mixes in the new beat and I look at her. The lyrics I wrote for this song disappear.
“Girl, you make the fire in my heart burn bright.
Blaze through me, turn my ribs to ash.
I resist, see your fist,
comin’ for the crash.
Tried to save you, turned my world blue,
got burned.
You broken creature, desert carcass,
grinnin’ in the sun.
Tried to save you but I got no one.
You got no heart!
I got no soul.
We doomed from the start
to be apart.”
I can’t do this anymore. I lift up my hand and drop the mic.
The crowd is going wild, but I disappear backstage and down the stairs, not waiting for Monkey. People try to slap me on my back, but I shrug them off. I can’t believe I’ve let her get to me.
I walk out onto the field and she appears in front of me, as if I had I summoned her. We look at each other in silence. My brain tells me to walk away, but my body stays where it is. My head is pounding, and for a while I can’t find my voice, but when I open my mouth there it is, betraying me with its normality.
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