“By taking me on a date that ended up as a business meeting?”
She can be brutal when she wants to be.
“I’m sorry,” she says quickly. “That was mean. I just … I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry. Of course I trust you. I just need some time to re-adjust, that’s all.” She hits me with those big eyes, like she’s begging me to make things right.
I take her hand, pulling her out of the way of oncoming pedestrians, and lean against an electricity box. She snuggles close and tries to bury her head in my neck.
“Hey, look at me. Don’t apologise. We’re going to get through this together. I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me until the end.”
She nods and blinks up at me, which makes the back of my neck prickle. She looks so vulnerable.
“I love you,” I say.
She smells the rose, then waves it under my nose. “This is what our love smells like. A lingering sweetness like strawberries. It’s so good you want to roll around in it forever.”
“I want to roll around with you forever,” I say.
I pull her close and silence her giggles with my lips. This is it – how it should be all the time. I’m feeling better about us when she pulls away suddenly and carefully studies my expression.
“Love also stings sometimes,” she says. “We both know that.”
Kayla
RONDEBOSCH, FRIDAY
I’ve just sent Fin a WhatsApp to ask if I can come over, knowing his dad will be at work. Now that he and his dad have reached some sort of understanding, he’s finally agreed to let me visit, although I haven’t yet. It doesn’t bother me what his house looks like. I just want to be with him.
I can tell by the two little grey ticks that the message has been delivered but that he hasn’t read it. I stare at the screen, waiting for them to turn blue.
For someone who’s always on his phone, it’s hard to believe he didn’t read it immediately. He always used to reply to my messages instantly.
Maybe he’s chatting to someone else. One of his groupies.
I toss my phone into my bag and am slipping on my shoes when Lorenda appears in the doorway.
“Where are you going so early?” she asks.
“To see Fin.”
I look up just in time to see a spectacular frown emerge. “Didn’t you see Fin last night? And the whole day yesterday, and the day before that?”
“So?”
Lorenda hesitates. “Well … don’t you think you need a bit of a break? We could hear you two arguing from the lounge yesterday. It sounds like you’re starting to get on each other’s nerves a little bit.” She sees my expression and changes tack. “It’s perfectly normal to spend time by yourself. It would probably do you two a world of good. Give him a chance to miss you.”
I laugh through my nose. Time by myself. As if I haven’t had enough of that recently.
“We like being together,” I tell her. “It’s called being in love.”
She tilts her head. “But it’s not really healthy, is it?”
“What would you know about that?” I ask hotly.
I hate it when she goes into caring-mother mode. She has a special condescending voice reserved just for these little chats. Where was she when Craig was here all the time? Surely it must have seemed strange to her that we never went on a single date.
She walks into my room and sits down on the bed next to me. I move my bag out the way, and check my phone to see if he’s read my message yet. He has, but he hasn’t replied. He’s totally blue-ticked me.
“Darling, the secret with boys is … Well, they like a little mystery. If you see each other every day, there’s no room for that. You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. If he loves you as much as you say he does, he’ll be back.”
I stare at her. She really has no clue what my life is like. The things I’ve had to do to make boys like me, and make them come back. What I’ve done to myself. Can’t she see that I’m a million shattered pieces glued back together all wrong?
“You see Jerome every day. But you’re going to say that’s different, aren’t you?”
“We’re married. We paid our dues when we were dating. Sometimes we only saw each other every two weeks.”
My heart skips. Two weeks without Fin doesn’t sound normal or healthy. I rally on.
“But you still see each other every day now.”
“Yes, but … Listen, Kayla, this isn’t about Jerome and me. I just don’t want you to get hurt. The last time you and Fin broke up, I didn’t like what it did to you. You became someone else. It nearly destroyed this family.”
Maybe Ma isn’t as clueless as I thought.
I peer down into my bag, but he still hasn’t messaged me back. I think back to last night. Yes, we argued, but we parted the same way we always do – desperately not wanting to let each other go.
Or so it seemed. Panic seizes me and my brain goes into hyperdrive.
“It just feels like you’re holding on too tight. If you just relax a little, put some boundaries in place –”
“Fine!” I jump up and swing my bag over my shoulder. “I won’t visit Fin. I’ll go boarding instead.”
“Kayla, wait.”
“I hear you, Lorenda. But I need to get out. I’ll see you later.”
Once I’m out the door, I head straight for the main road. In the direction of the taxi stop.
I USE THE Google Maps app on my phone to find the house, thinking that it’s going to be a big surprise for Fin to see me at the front door. But no one answers when I knock. I wait for a long time, biting my lip. Despite its proximity to my old job, I don’t know this neighbourhood at all, and I’m suddenly not sure if I’m at the right house. Before resorting to calling him, I try the door and find it open. It widens with an old-fashioned creak and everything.
The house is pretty untidy and there are more holes in the wall than I can count. This is Fin’s place, without a doubt.
He’s playing The Last of Us on PS4 in his bedroom. It’s worse than catching him with someone else – it means he read my message and ignored it.
I’m suddenly furious at myself for coming here when he clearly doesn’t care.
The problem isn’t that he was chatting to someone else, he just didn’t want to chat to me. The truth stings. Lorenda’s word echoes in my head. Boundaries. We don’t need boundaries. We’re two separate countries at war.
And I’m losing.
He pauses the game and smiles up at me, extending his arms. “Baby, what are you doing here? Come here.”
I kneel down next to him and allow myself to be swallowed in a hug. “Why didn’t you reply to my message?” I ask.
“I was going to, but you beat me to it,” he says, smiling.
“It’s been ages since I sent it. You were playing PS4.”
“Don’t be upset. Kiss me hello properly. Did Jerome drop you off?” The look he gives me is confusing. It’s gentle and full of love – it’s the look you get from someone who cares enough to reply to your messages.
“No, I came on my own and I’m not going to give in to you just because you want me to.”
He laughs and folds his arms behind his head. “So you literally just missioned all this way to give me a hard time?”
When he lifts up the controller, I slam my hands onto the floor and rise to my feet. He doesn’t see what he’s doing. I’m that unimportant.
“Later, Fin.”
He does a double take worthy of a Hollywood movie. “Wait, you’re leaving? What the hell? You just got here. Baby –?”
I walk out quickly and hop on my board before he has a chance to run after me. I can hear the messages beeping in my bag but I don’t stop to read them.
He needs to know he can’t mess me around.
CLASSICAL MUSIC IS so dead to me.
I realise this after streaming Classic FM on my phone, only to discover there’s no joy in it for me anymore. The music has been poisoned by bad memories, l
ike the rest of me. I haven’t even bothered looking up prices of second-hand flutes.
I call up a playlist of hard house electro and deaden the world with it. There are eleven unread messages from Fin, but I’m deliberately not reading them. Let him experience what it feels like.
My bedroom door opens and Lorenda’s head materialises, smiling broadly. “Fin’s here. See, I told you he’d come back on his own.”
I try my best not to fly across the room and decapitate her with the door.
Truth is, ever since Fin and I got back together there’s been this flame of anger licking the inside of my belly that won’t go away. Fuck Fin for ignoring me, for having all the say in this relationship, for still making me feel like the bad guy.
I shrug and reach for a comic on the bedside table. One of the new, all-girl A-Force issues I haven’t read yet.
As soon as Lorenda’s gone, Fin appears in her place, chewing on the insides of his cheeks and running his hands through his hair. I’m glad he’s suffering for a change.
“Close the door before you start shouting,” I say, turning a page furiously. The paper tears at the corner and I smooth it back into place with my finger.
He closes the door without a word.
“I didn’t do anything to deserve this,” he says. He makes no move to sit down. “You can’t just throw a tantrum every time you don’t get your way. You start a fight and then you run away. I’m concerned what this is going to do to us.”
I flip my comic closed.
“Just stop. Please.”
“How would you like it if I turned around and walked away right now? It feels shit, Kayla. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Oh, but you did once before, didn’t you?
I slide my legs over the side of the bed so that we’re facing each other.
“Why are you threatening me? You don’t know what it’s like being the one that screws up every time, Fin. It’s always my fault. Our break-up, every fight we’ve had. It’s always me, like you can do no wrong. Why can’t you just give me a break for once?”
“I’ve been giving you nothing but breaks, Kayla, but you act like such a child sometimes. I love you, but you keep pushing me away. What am I supposed to do when you love me one day and hate me the next?”
“See, my fault. Again. I’m not the one that didn’t respond to my messages this morning. So stop acting innocent.”
“You’ve been ignoring my messages all day!”
“Don’t shout at me.”
Jerome’s voice booms from the passage. “Hey, you two, enough now. Jislaaik.”
We stare at each other in silence. I think we’re both shocked by how quickly that escalated.
“I’m going home,” he says. “We can talk tomorrow, when you’re not so emotional.”
“I can’t believe you just said that. Who’s –”
But he’s already closed the door. I leap to my feet and dash down the passage after him. Jerome and Lorenda glance up in surprise as I streak past them and blast through the front door. I hardly register my bare feet under my pyjama bottoms.
“Fin, wait!”
It’s not dark yet and the clouds are fever-bright against the scarlet sky. He turns around with his hands still in his hoodie pockets. It’s the red one he wore when he came to my school the first time. He was so smitten with me then. Now he looks at me like I’m a stranger. His eyes are red too. Always the victim.
“Please don’t go, Fin. Come back inside. We can watch a movie.”
“I can’t do this, Kayla. It’s breaking me apart.”
“Please, Fin. Don’t talk like that. I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head and continues walking. He’s never stopped walking away from me.
I suck in my lip and look around wildly. There’s a broken bottle on the pavement. I close my eyes. The glass slices deep into the bottom of my foot. When I scream, it’s legitimate.
“Kayla!” Fin’s at my side in seconds.
I’m wailing. There’s blood all over the pavement. My foot feels like it’s being boiled in water.
“What happened? Can you walk?”
I shake my head. He scoops me up under my arm and helps me hobble back to the house. My hero. That’s all he wants, to be my knight in shining armour.
I’m super aware of his smell and my own shame.
THE CUTS ARE pretty bad. Jerome has to remove the glass with pliers. The carpet is red with blood, like a crime scene. Fin holds my hand while Lorenda disinfects my foot with Dettol and bandages me up.
“I wasn’t looking where I was going,” I say, sniffing.
“It’s alright, love. I don’t think you need stitches. It’s just a lot of blood, that’s all,” says Jerome.
I nod like a little kid.
Fin has paled. He holds my hand tightly and lifts my fingers to kiss them. I smile for the first time today. “Will you stay with me?” I ask.
He nods, his eyes wide and white.
Finlay
LANSDOWNE, FRIDAY
It’s dark when I walk home. Usually I use this time to think up new lyrics, but not tonight. Kayla’s scream bounces around my skull. I can’t seem to turn my back for a second without her hurting herself. I’m worried about her. I don’t think she means to be so reckless, but her head’s not in the right place. Not since … well, not since the split.
There’s blood on my sleeve. My girl’s blood. That afternoon in Kalk Bay comes rushing back in vivid colour. Her hair flying in all directions. The silver water stretched out in front of her. I clutch my head with my hands.
Stupid, Fin. You shouldn’t have walked away. You promised to be with her.
I pull out my phone and wish her good night, knowing she’s going to be waiting up for it.
There’s an unread message from Monkey.
Heading to The Bunker for a beer. Come thru.
I’m a wreck. There’s nothing in the whole world I want more. So why do I feel guilty about it?
FAMILIAR FACES LOOK up as I enter the courtyard lit by ropes of fairy lights slung from the walls. Several people shout my name.
Monkey grins at me from underneath the cap he never takes off, not even at night. “I thought you were dead, man. Whazzup?”
“Don’t exaggerate. It’s been, what, two, three weeks?”
“He’s whipped, man,” says someone at the table.
“You wish you were whipped,” I reply.
“Ooh, we’ve got a badass in the house.”
Monkey buys me a beer and I relax, sinking down on-to my elbows while everyone around me shouts to be heard above the reggae music. A thought nags at the back of my mind that Kayla will be upset if I don’t tell her where I am, that she’ll think I’m off having fun without her. But that’s ridiculous. She’ll be asleep by now.
I push the thought away and take another swig from the bottle. She’s not controlling like that. She needs me right now, that’s all.
“Hey, Fin. Where are you, man?”
My head snaps up. “Sorry. Was just thinking of something. What did you say?”
“I heard you guys are playing at Vamp next week?”
Monkey winks at me from the end of the table. He’s obviously been spreading the word. Good man. “Yeah, we’re testing out some new tracks there.”
“Sweet. Let us know and we’ll pull through. You going to post it on Facebook?”
“I don’t know. At the moment we’re thinking of keeping it a secret gig.”
“Damn, that’s cool. I want in. You got any comps?”
“Don’t worry. We’ll hook you up.” I motion for Monkey’s attention and he shoots me a thumb’s up.
“On it, bro.”
Everyone’s excited. I start feeling amped about the gig. But also nervous. I haven’t been thinking about the show at all. I need to get my head back in the game.
More people join the table. I get another drink, figuring there’s no point worrying about the Vamp gig right now.
I get home lat
e. As soon as my door is closed I light up a joint and loop one of Monkey’s new tracks. I sit down on the edge of my bed and drop my head into my hands, willing the music to catch.
I live wit’ my ghost. No exorcist.
Cover wounds wit’ bandages.
You drift above me, haunting me.
You don’t wait for the blood to dry.
Each time I see you, I die.”
I laugh into my hands. Even now that we’re back together I’m writing about her like she’s haunting me. I don’t even know what’s normal anymore. I’m drowning in guilt. I’ve broken so many promises, I’ll probably never make it up to her. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do.
MUIZENBERG, SATURDAY
Monkey’s managed to get us a booking at the studio we’ve been eyeing. While I’ve been trying to fix things with Kayla and living in this world where nothing else exists but each other, Monkey’s been running around organising gig posters, posting hints on Facebook and meeting with key players. The guy keeps surprising me. We’re freestyling while we drive down the M5.
“Wait till you see this place,” says Monkey, balancing the joint between his lips. “It’s got everything. There’s a room just for all the awards they’ve won.”
“Thanks for making this happen. I know I’ve been slacking.”
Monkey glances at me quickly before turning his attention back to the road. “Yoko alright? You said she hurt herself pretty badly.”
I splutter out smoke. “Don’t call her that.”
“Sorry, bro. Don’t choke on me now. The studio’s booked. No refunds.”
He’s made his point: I haven’t been around enough. But getting my girl back has been more important. I hesitate, then send Kayla a quick message and turn off my phone to stop myself from losing the whole day chatting to her.
“Forget it – it’s all on track. And Kayla’s excited about the album. Other people care about Odin Son too. Not just us.”
“Dude, you should see how amped people are about our Vamp gig. Piotr says they’re pre-booking.”
“Sweet.”
A weight lifts. In the studio, the magic I’ve been waiting for happens. The rhymes flow. Monkey and I jump around like idiots as we lay down track after track. Being in a professional studio space makes it feel like what we’re doing is legit. Monkey even has album art on his phone that he asked an illustrator friend to do. Everything is coming together.
Mine Page 19
