Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  "You saw my panties!" she exclaimed. "It freaked you out!"

  "Aye, lass."

  "Oh, I'm sorry! I never thought-I'm from Mundania, and-I apologize."

  "That's all right, lass. Truth be told, we don't much mind such a view. But maybe be more careful in future, aye?"

  "I will! Thanks for telling me."

  "And welcome."

  She took off again, this time flying very low until clear of the glade. "I think I'm going to need a new outfit, if I want to do much flying."

  The speech balloon appeared. "When we leave the dream realm, you will no longer be able to fly. But you will be able to conjure dream images."

  "It's scary, how much power the Ring has. And it's just one of six!"

  "Yes, that is why the Rings of Xanth are normally well hidden. Their power must not be abused."

  "I'll try not to abuse mine. I just want to help the others do the job they have to do. But it sure makes me wonder what the Foop does!"

  "I am not sure anyone knows, except the Simurgh."

  "Well, I guess we'll find out."

  Then they reached the portal that was the entry to the dream realm. They flew through it-and found themselves floating above the ground of ordinary Xanth, looking down at their two bodies lying beside the green gourd.

  "I don't understand," Jaylin said, alarmed. "Are we dead?"

  "No, merely still in the dream. Only our souls entered the gourd, while our bodies slept. See, we are both looking into the peephole. That is the way of it. We must break that connection to wake up."

  "I wondered how we were able to fit through that tiny hole," Jaylin said. She looked around, and spied a large fallen leaf. "I'll use this." She landed, and reached down to pick it up. But her hand passed right through it. "Oops."

  "Because we are dream images, we aren't fully real," the speech balloon wrote. "We shall have to use a dream barrier."

  "All right." She concentrated, and conjured a small wooden board. She set this across the gourd's peephole.

  Then she was on the ground, opening her eyes, and Putre was stirring beside her. She felt the full force of gravity, assuming it hadn't yet started to fade. Before her was the gourd, with the board across its peephole.

  "How can a dream image be still there, once I'm awake?"

  The speech balloon appeared. "You have the Ring."

  "Oh. Right." There it was, on her physical finger. She got up and looked around. "I guess you had better take me to the others now."

  She climbed onto his back, and he galloped off. This was quite an adventure-and it had barely started.

  CHAPTER 10

  VOID

  Che Centaur looked up. "There they come!" he called as Putre galloped into sight carrying Jaylin.

  "Does she have the Ring?" Cynthia asked.

  "She must, because she's smiling," Breanna said.

  "And holding her hand high," Justin agreed.

  "With the Ring thereon," Sim squawked. He had good avian eyesight.

  Then zombie and maiden arrived. "We got it!" Jaylin said.

  Justin went to help her dismount. "We know who you are," he said, "but perhaps we should introduce ourselves. I am Justin Tree. I have the Ring of Idea."

  "I've heard so much about you," Jaylin said. "You were a tree for ever so long, until Breanna-"

  "Well, I couldn't marry a tree," Breanna said. "And as you know, I have the Ring of Fire."

  "And this is Sim Bird," Justin said, indicating him. "He does not speak in our language, but you can understand him when you know him. He has the Ring of Air."

  "I am glad to meet you," Sim squawked. Sure enough, Jaylin looked blank.

  "And these are Che and Cynthia Centaur," Justin said, indicating them. "They are another couple. They have the Rings of Earth and Water, respectively."

  "I never thought I'd get to actually meet you," Jaylin said, evidently impressed. "In fact, I never thought I'd find myself in the Land of Xanth. But when Breanna came-"

  "We did not know you would join us," Che said. "We had neglected to have a sixth member of our group, so one had to be designated. Breanna tells us that it was largely chance."

  "Yes. I had a daydream where I misspoke fell swoop. I didn't think anything of it, until-"

  "We understand. None of us anticipated this mission. It started when Cynthia went to ask the Good Magician a Question, and received a disproportionate mission."

  "To save the Demon Earth," Cynthia said. "We had tended to think of him as an evil opponent, but now we understand that he is not evil, merely another part of the larger framework. Magic comes from the Demon Xanth, and gravity from the Demon Earth; we need both."

  "What comes from the other Demons?" Jaylin asked.

  "We aren't sure," Che said. "But I suspect that the strong nuclear force associates with the Demon Jupiter. The weak nuclear force may associate with the Demoness Venus, and the electromagnetic force with the Demon Mars."

  "These sound like scientific concepts," Jaylin said. "What are they doing here in the magic realm?"

  "All forces are needed to make the universe. A Demon's own force is more visible in his domain, but he does need at least some of the others. That is why we must rescue the Demon Earth; without the force of gravity, all the local Demons are in trouble."

  "What about Saturn?"

  "I think she associates with Dimension. That is not exactly a force, but it is essential to the well-being of the universe. Nothing can exist without some dimension of space and time."

  "She? Saturn is female?"

  Che shook his head. "No Demon is precisely male, female, or neuter; all can assume any guise at will. But the display is so pretty that I think of her as female. This really has no meaning beyond my private fancy."

  "No, I like it. In my schoolbook Saturn is the ancient god of agriculture. Women did most of that, historically, tending crops while the men went out to hunt. Saturn probably was female, if we knew the truth."

  "Perhaps so," Che agreed, finding himself liking this girl. "And females tend to associate with practical things, so quantities and timing also fit."

  "But now we need to get this mission the bleep out of the way, so I can marry Justin," Breanna said briskly. "Maybe tomorrow."

  "Tomorrow," Justin echoed. They kissed.

  "Yes, the mission," Che agreed. "We now have the Six Rings of Xanth, so can fetch the Swell Foop. But this may not be easy."

  "Nothing ever is," Cynthia said. They also kissed.

  "I don't think their minds are on it," Jaylin murmured to Sim. He squawked agreement.

  "Yes they are," Che said. "We must now take the Six Rings and put them in line."

  "What for?" Breanna asked.

  "We can locate the Swell Foop only by sighting through the Rings."

  "But we can't remove them until the mission is done," Justin protested.

  "Yes we can," Breanna said. "At least, when it is mission-related."

  "Oh. My error."

  "Maybe the demon Type-O wandered by."

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "Type-O causes errors to appear."

  Jaylin tittered. "Typo! He must visit Mundania, because I do that all the time."

  "To be sure," Justin agreed. "I understand that Mundania also has the Post Orifice, where all the spare letters and articles go."

  "Letters?" Cynthia asked, perplexed.

  "A, B, C, and so on through the alphabet. There has to be a storage place for them when they are not in use."

  Cynthia looked as if she had swallowed a bad prune. "And the articles?"

  "The, a, an. They also must be stored."

  "You must have been exposed to some really rabid puns recently," Breanna said severely.

  "I was. Punny and Unpun. Nice enough folk, actually."

  "You found the origin of puns!" Sim squawked, delighted.

  "The origin of some puns," Justin said, qualifying it. "As well as the termination of a similar number. I doubt that this particular weed will ever be
eradicated, however. Puns are fundamental to Xanth."

  "Yes, they are the lowest level," Sim squawked.

  "The basest bottom," Justin agreed.

  A small black cloud was forming over Breanna's head. This time it extended to cover Cynthia's head as well. Che was having trouble keeping a straight face, and he saw that Sim's beak was trying to twist into a smirk.

  "It's like a bad movie," Jaylin said, evidently not taking the matter as seriously as the other females were. "Every time you think it's bottomed out, another silly ass appears."

  Putre looked indignant. "She didn't mean you," Che said quickly.

  "She surely means the move-E," Justin said, his own face marvelously straight. "A thing that moves around to block your way. It can be destroyed only by a cri-tick, but that may have the perverse effect of making it seem larger."

  "If you silly asses are quite done," Breanna said tightly, "let's get the bleep on with the mission. We need to remove our Rings so we can sight through them."

  The others sobered, regretfully, agreeing that it was time. Each of them removed a Ring from a finger or toe. Che used thread to tie them together in the shape of a tube. Then he looked through it.

  "What do you see?" Cynthia asked.

  "Nothing, except a flying goblin child with rainbow-colored wings," he replied, swinging the tube around as he peered. Sure enough, in a moment the goblet passed close enough for the others to see.

  "Hi!" she called. "I'm Megan. Can you tell me where the nearest rainbow is? I like to play on rainbows."

  "You can do that?" Che asked, surprised.

  "Oh, sure. Goblin/harpy crossbreeds have talents, you know. Mine is playing on rainbows."

  "I think you will have to look for intermittent rain," Che said. "Rainbows seem to prefer that environment."

  "Thank you." She flew on.

  Che resumed his search through the Ring. Then he saw a vague brightness. "That direction."

  "Nice going, hooves-for-brains," Breanna said. "You have just indicated the entire jungle to the north."

  "Perhaps you will have better success," Che said, modestly nettled. He gave her the tube.

  Breanna took it and swung it around. "All I see is a funny ogre."

  "Ogre's aren't funny; they are stupid," Che said. "And justifiably proud of it."

  "I know that, four-foots. But this one is different."

  In a moment the ogre appeared. He did look odd. "Who are you, dimwit?" Breanna demanded.

  "Me Stretch, no wretch," the ogre replied, pleased by her compliment.

  "Stretch?"

  For answer, the ogre stretched. As he did so, his body and arms and legs lengthened, and he became larger. But then he tottered; he had diluted his body and was weaker. So he compacted himself to half size, picked up a stone between two fingers, and squeezed it into a pebble. That was impressive; normally an ogre required a full ham-hand to do that. He had gained strength.

  "That's pretty good," Breanna said. Satisfied, the ogre moved on.

  She returned to her search and this time found it. "That way."

  "That is half of the area Che indicated," Cynthia said.

  "For sure," Breanna agreed, evidently feeling a nettle herself. She gave the tube to Cynthia.

  Cynthia sighted through it. "All I see is a man touching plants. He is enlarging or minimizing living things."

  "I suspect the Rings have spurious results if not closely guided," Che said. "They seem to be orienting on special people or talents."

  She continued to look. "There is definitely a brightness in that direction."

  "You have halved it again," Justin said. "I believe I perceive the semblance of a pattern here."

  "Each new person narrows the focus," she agreed, handing him the tube. "After spying a bogus image."

  Justin looked through it. "I see two girls, evidently sisters. They are staggering."

  In a moment the girls came into the sight of the others. They were indeed walking in a very irregular manner.

  "Hello," Justin said. "Are you in good health?"

  "I'm Inebriated," one said.

  "And I'm Intoxicated," the other said. "We're twins."

  They staggered on past. "You had better not like that type," Breanna told him dangerously as his gaze followed the girls.

  "Naturally not." Justin quickly resumed looking through the Rings tube. "I do observe light, in precisely that direction." He pointed.

  "Half again," Jaylin said, smiling.

  He gave her the tube, and she looked. "I see a nymph lode-I mean a lymph node." But her correction was too late. A piece of metal rose from the ground and flew away. "Oops, I guess I did it again."

  "I believe that is metal that is attracted to nymphs," Che said. "It is traveling in the direction of the Faun and Nymph retreat."

  Jaylin looked again. In a moment she had narrowed it down similarly. Then she held the tube for Sim as he looked. "There," he squawked.

  They now had a definite line, bearing close to north. "If we saw no need for cooperation before, we have it now," Che said. "But I think we had better continue to verify, in case the direction is not constant."

  "Now some of us can fly," Justin said. "Some of us can walk. I think we will make swifter progress if all of us fly."

  "And how am I going to fly?" Breanna demanded archly.

  "Summon the demoness."

  "Oh! I forget my Ring." She looked around. "But then we'll have to take it out of the Foop tube."

  "That is a problem," he agreed.

  "I will carry you," Cynthia said.

  "And I will carry you," Che said to Justin.

  That left Jaylin. She looked perplexed, then Putre nudged her. The other zombies were gone, but he had remained. "And I'll ride you!" she exclaimed. "Maybe you can't fly, out here in real Xanth, but you can certainly keep up."

  They set off. Che kept an eye on the zombie colt, but he did indeed keep up, running as fast as a dream.

  They moved a reasonable distance, then stopped to verify. The direction remained north.

  The third pause was at the southern brink of the Gap Chasm. The direction remained north.

  "Can you cross that?" Che asked Putre.

  A speech balloon appeared. "I can run down one side, across, and up the other."

  "But I'll fall off!" Jaylin protested.

  "No, you can't fall off a dream horse when you have the Ring of Dreams," Che said. "And Putre wouldn't let it happen anyway."

  The girl still looked doubtful. Breanna interceded. "It's magic," she said. "You can't be blamed for not really believing in magic, despite seeing it all around; sometimes I wonder about it myself. If you come to mischief, it won't be because of the horse."

  "We'll hover near, until you are sure," Cynthia said.

  Jaylin did not look completely reassured, but she nodded. Cynthia took off, carrying Breanna over the brink of the chasm, and hovered there.

  Putre trotted to the brink, turned the corner, and trotted straight down the cliff. The girl remained on his back, her eyes squeezed shut. After a moment she opened them, realized that they were not falling, and relaxed. It was just as if they were traveling horizontally, thanks to the magic.

  After that, Che also took off, carrying Justin, and Sim did too. They circled over the Gap Chasm, watching the horse gallop on downward.

  Then Che saw a stir in the depths of the chasm. "Is that what I think it is?" he asked Sim.

  "The Gap Dragon," Sim squawked. "He couldn't catch a dream horse anyway, but I will go explain." He flew down toward the dragon.

  "Perhaps that is just as well," Justin remarked. "The girl is nervous enough already; she would not care to encounter the Gap Dragon."

  Che nodded. He was of course friends with Stanley Steamer, because they were both winged monsters, but it was the dragon's job to patrol the base of the chasm and steam and eat any intruders. Legitimate travelers usually crossed one of the bridges across the Gap, but their own party was in a hurry.

&nbs
p; In due course the horse galloped across the chasm, and up the far cliff.

  It was evident that Jaylin was now entirely relaxed; experiencing was believing. "And we saw the Gap Dragon!" she exclaimed as they crested the brink and returned to regular ground. "He puffed steam at us!"

  Perhaps their concern about her reaction had been exaggerated.

  They moved on north. Soon they reached the boundary marking the Region of Air. They were across it before they realized, but it could not be mistaken. Wind storms battered them, forcing the flyers to take to the ground, joining Putre and Jaylin. "This is where Cumulo Fracto Nimbus, the demon cloud, brought Hurricane Happy Bottom, saving the Land of Xanth from getting blown away," Che informed Jaylin as he landed beside her.

  "We don't have to put up with this wind," Sim squawked as he landed beside them, his lovely feathers scuffled.

  "But don't we have to get through this Region to reach the Void?" Jaylin asked as her hair blew across her face. Then she did a doubletake. "Say-I understood you!"

  "You must be getting to know me," he squawked. "Yes, we do have to pass though the several Regions, but we don't have to endure their rigors. We have the Rings."

  "The Rings?" Then she caught on. "The Rings control their Regions!"

  Che could have beat himself over the head with a wing. Why hadn't he thought of that? He was supposed to be Sim's tutor, but Sim was already beginning to out-think him.

  "But we are unable to use the Rings individually while we orient on the Foop," Justin reminded them.

  That neatly took Che off the hook. "Perhaps we should return the Rings to their individual users, and reassemble the tube at each boundary," he suggested.

  The others nodded. It might be clumsy, but they needed to use the Rings in more than one way. They dismantled the tube and passed out the Rings. Breanna experimentally tried to put on Justin's Ring of Idea, but it wouldn't go on her finger; the Rings now accepted only their designated bearers.

  Sim lifted his foot and squawked at his Ring of Air. Suddenly the storm wind died, and the air was still.

  "Now that's more like it, Birdbrain," Breanna said affectionately. "Hiyo, Cynthia, away!"

  The centaur filly took off, darting a wry expression at the others. "Even that girl's annoyances become endearing," Justin murmured. Che had to agree as he took off.