Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  They saw that Putre and Jaylin had no trouble keeping up, running below. Soon the party came to the boundary of the next Region. They paused before crossing it, wary of the sudden change they knew could occur.

  "The Region of Earth is highly volcanic," Che said. "It can be difficult to find a safe place to stand, let alone walk, but the air is not much safer because of the ejecta."

  "The what?" Jaylin asked.

  Che started to explain, but she cut him off, laughing. "I was only teasing you, Che. I'm from Hawaii, where we have active volcanoes. I know what they belch into the air. Or in our case, what they spew across the land: molten rivers. Our whole chain of islands was formed from volcanic ejecta."

  He nodded. "For a moment I thought of the Demoness Metria."

  "Yes, with her confused words. Why is she like that?"

  "She got trodden on by a sphinx, long ago. It split her personality into three aspects: a crazy adult, an innocent child, and the one with the problem of vocabulary. That's also the one with the insatiable curiosity about mortal affairs, so we see a fair amount of her."

  Smoke formed. "Did someone say my name?" it asked.

  "Oh, no," Breanna muttered. "Maybe I can use my Ring to banish her."

  "Save it for the Region of Fire," Cynthia suggested.

  "We were just talking about ejecta," Jaylin said brightly to the demoness.

  "About what?"

  "Matter, substance, material, stuff, rocks-"

  "Flying hot out of a volcano?"

  "Whatever," Jaylin said crossly. But she couldn't hold her frown more than an instant. Then they both laughed.

  "Well, you'll see plenty of that next door," Metria said.

  "No we won't," Che said. He poked his head through the veil and saw the ground beyond shaking, and heard a nearby volcano rumbling dangerously. He lifted the Ring of Earth. "Quiet," he said.

  Immediately the ground settled down, and the volcano silenced. The Region of Earth spread out before him. A violent terrain, but no longer in motion, and its air was clean.

  "The Rings of Xanth remain impressive," Justin remarked.

  "Indeed," Cynthia agreed.

  "That's almost like cheating," Metria said, disgusted. She faded out.

  They took time to reassemble the tube and sight through it. There was no question: They had to enter the Region of Earth.

  They crossed the Region, and soon came to the next.

  "That will be the Region of Fire," Breanna said. "My turn." They verified the direction, then took apart the tube so that she could use her Ring. She poked her head and hand through the intangible curtain separating the Regions. In a moment she drew them back. "All clear, now."

  The others crossed. Che saw a land of ashes and fading smoke. Gases jetted up from fumaroles that were normally on fire. The Region normally burned perpetually.

  As he flew across, Che saw that already fresh grass and bushes were growing out of the ashes. There had to be a lot of flammable matter to feed the fires, which swept back and forth across the range. He wondered how this had ever gotten started; he would have to do some research to refresh his memory of those complicated past events, preparing for the time when Sim wanted to know.

  Sim flew near. "How did this start?" he squawked.

  Sigh. He would have to go on his present vague memory. "With an enchantment, of course. In the year of Xanth Three-seventy-eight the Seventh Wave settled around Lake Ogre-Chobee. The talents of its people were weak, so they set up a Talent Research Group headed by a man called Hydrogen, whose talent was to make dirty water become clean. They tried to develop better curses, so as to defend themselves from aggressive others. One of them named Loudspeaker learned how to amplify his voice and create Words of Power. Others continued their research. Soon they had eight Magicians. Unfortunately power corrupted them, and they became nasty and warlike. Loudspeaker led the forces of meanness, and Hydrogen led the forces of decency. Loudspeaker used terrible Words to enslave the air creatures north of the Gap Chasm, but Hydrogen hurled a curse that blew him away, leaving only the winds to form the Region of Air. Then Loudspeaker enslaved the creatures of the Earth, and Hydrogen hurled another curse that blasted him out and made the Region of Earth. Similar battles made the Regions of Fire, Water, and Void, which was the last and most terrible curse. They have remained ever since, still powered by the continuing force of the curses that formed them."

  "A most interesting history," Justin remarked. "Curses certainly should not be misused."

  "Then what of the Rings?" Sim squawked.

  This was the part Che hated, because he could not remember. In fact, he had not known of the Rings before this mission began. "I must conjecture that Magician Hydrogen or some other historical Magician formed them, just in case it was ever necessary to bring the Regions under control, and then hid them so that they could not be misused. There is much of Xanth that we do not yet properly comprehend."

  "And the Swell Foop?"

  "That is entirely beyond my knowledge," Che admitted, ashamed. The worst had happened: His student's need for knowledge had outstripped the ability of his tutor.

  Sim stared at him. Worse, so did Cynthia and Breanna, and even Jaylin, riding Putre below, looked up, dismayed. How gross was his failure! How would he ever live this down? Centaurs were supposed to know everything.

  "There appears to be a void in your information," Justin observed.

  "Yes," Che agreed, ashamed.

  "Obviously the Swell Foop embodies magic to make itself hidden, so that not even the most knowledgeable species, the centaurs, know of it. Otherwise it would not remain hidden long."

  "For sure," Breanna agreed, and Cynthia nodded. Sim flew higher, satisfied.

  Che discovered that he was getting to like Justin Tree. The man had a knack for putting a positive face on things. "Thank you," he murmured.

  "I merely spoke the manifest truth," Justin said. But his hand patted Che's shoulder near the wing; he did understand. He must have supported Breanna of the Black Wave similarly, for she was a feisty girl prone to mischief. No wonder she wanted to marry him.

  They came to the Region of Water. This needed no pacification, except for one thing: Cynthia invoked her Ring to cause the surface of the lake near Putre to tighten so that he could run across it without sinking in. Night mares could do that anyway, but he was a zombie colt.

  At last they reached the margin of the Void. This time it was Jaylin who had the applicable Ring. "But how do I use it?" she asked.

  That was all too good a question. "The Void is the most deadly Region of Xanth," Che said. "Nothing that enters it can escape it, with certain limited exceptions such as the night mares. I think we had better be very sure that our mission requires us to pass this point."

  Once again they assembled the tube. It showed that the Swell Foop was straight ahead, inside the Void. They considered, and took the tube apart again, because they wanted the protection of the individual Rings.

  "So how does she use her Ring?" Breanna asked. "We can't pave over the Void."

  "Is it possible that the Ring of Void will enable us to enter the Void, and depart it?" Justin asked. "If so, we can enter it, recover the Foop, and safely emerge. All we need is to be in the company of the Ring."

  "But can we be sure of that?" Che asked.

  "The very thought of going into the Void turns me white," Breanna said.

  "I've got an idea," Jaylin said. "I'll ask the Night Stallion. He ought to know."

  "That lord of dreams is not much for answering questions," Justin said.

  "For sure, you can't just conjure him up at a whim," Breanna said. "I was amazed when my Ring of Fire conjured the Demon Grossclout, but I think he wanted to appear."

  But Jaylin was already rubbing the Ring. "Trojan, appear."

  To Che's amazement, the Dark Horse appeared, huge and scintillating. "Justin Tree is correct," he said, and faded.

  "That is some Ring," Cynthia said weakly. "I hope he doesn't punish us with
terrible dreams."

  "He doesn't need to," Sim squawked. "He has just deleted our excuse for not entering the Void."

  The others nodded. Their worst fear now had to be braved.

  "Well, let's go," Breanna said. She shot a dark glance at Justin. "But if we get caught forever in the Void, we're still getting married. You can't escape."

  "I wouldn't think of it," Justin replied, pleased.

  They marched across the line. Che saw that the region beyond the line was no black void, but a pleasant slope with flowers and trees. It seemed to be completely unthreatening.

  Then Che saw two winged centaurs running by, a male and a female. "Look!" he cried. "Our kind!"

  "Whose kind?" Breanna demanded. "Those are black human beings."

  "Two iridescent birds!" Sim squawked.

  Putre's speech balloon appeared. "Two zombie horses."

  Che reconsidered. "My grandam Chem was in the Void with Smash Ogre and Tandy Nymph. They escaped by paying half their souls to the night mares to carry them out. She reported that each person saw his or her own kind, regardless what was really there."

  "Ludicrous!" Breanna snapped. Then she gasped. "Che-you're full human!"

  Che's eyes had been fixed on the two figures ahead. Now he looked in the direction of Breanna's voice. There was Cynthia, with another winged centaur on her back. He looked at Jaylin and Putre: two more winged centaurs.

  "All of you are bright birds," the last winged centaur squawked.

  "It seems your grandam was correct," Justin said. "We see only our own kind. That means we must inquire what kind are the two ahead."

  Those two, having spied the new party, had stopped chasing and come toward them. "I am Branch Faun, and this is Lady Slipper Nymph," he said. "We were happily chasing, on our way to a celebration, when we slipped, collided, and fell into the Void. Have you come to rescue us?"

  There was a brief pause as each person considered. "You know, if that Ring of Void really works," the Breanna centaur said, "we should be able to conduct them out of here. Why don't we try it?"

  Che was as curious as she was about this particular aspect, because he was as doubtful as she as to its reality "By all means. Jaylin?"

  The Jaylin centaur got off the back of the Putre centaur. "Please come this way," she said.

  The two others followed her up the slope. Then all three disappeared. In a moment only the Jaylin centaur returned. "They're out," she reported.

  "What did they do?" the Breanna centaur asked.

  "They chased each other. Then they-I don't think I was supposed to see that." Jaylin blushed.

  "Faun and nymph!" Che exclaimed. "Of course! They celebrated. That's what they do."

  "They sure did," Jaylin said. "Then they got up and chased some more. They ran out of sight, so I came back here."

  The Breanna centaur went over to her. "Fauns and nymphs don't have much ambition or memory," she explained. "They live for the moment."

  "Some moment!"

  "It's their nature. At least they weren't bored while they were caught here in the Void. This answers a couple of questions: It doesn't hurt or change folk to be here awhile, and the Ring can get folk out. I'm glad we verified that, because it has excellent implications for the rest of us."

  "I don't want to chase around and-and celebrate!" Jaylin said.

  "Of course not. You're not a nymph. But you do want to get out of here in good order."

  "True," Jaylin agreed. Then, after a pause: "Actually, being from Mundania, I do know what-what they do. I've seen pictures. I just never-never saw it that-"

  "That enthusiastically," Breanna said. "We understand. Now let's forget about that and go fetch the Foop."

  "Yes," Jaylin agreed, evidently relieved.

  They resumed their trek downslope. They saw other winged centaurs, but left them alone. They already knew what they needed to, and it was reassuring.

  They came to a bucket. It seemed to be quite ordinary, and empty. On its side were printed the words KICK ME.

  "If that's what it wants," Sim squawked. He advanced on the pail. He drew back one foot.

  "Don't do it!" Jaylin cried, leaping to intercept him. They fell together in an apparent tangle of eight legs, four arms, and four wings.

  "Squawk?" Sim asked as they untangled.

  "It's another pun! An ugly one. To kick the bucket-"

  Che caught on. "Is to die!"

  "That's right," Breanna agreed. "You don't want to kick the bucket before your time. Especially not here."

  Justin nodded. "We have ascertained that the Void is not necessarily death. But the bucket may be a shortcut to that state, for those who become tired of stasis. An ugly pun, indeed."

  "Squawk," Sim agreed.

  Che felt weak-kneed again. Sim had almost committed suicide while the others watched. "Thank you, Jaylin," he said. "You have no idea how much mischief you spared us." They had become accustomed to all living things being friendly to the Simurgh's precious chick, but the bucket did not share that oath.

  "Well, it was just that there have been so many puns, I sort of expected one," Jaylin said.

  "So nobody kicks that bucket," Breanna said firmly. "Let's move on."

  The pleasant slope led down to a deeper funnel-shaped region, its sides steepening. They were reaching the awful center of the Void.

  Jaylin stopped walking. "I don't want to make trouble, but could we-maybe try walking back some, just to be sure we can?"

  "This makes eminent sense," Justin agreed, and she flashed him a smile. She was still a winged centaur, but her face was unchanged.

  They turned back, and had no difficulty walking back up the slope. The Ring of Void was still working.

  They paused, then resumed the downward trek.

  Something came rolling down from behind them. They hastily made way, and it passed, accelerating as it did. It dropped into the central hole. There was no sound, and no sight of it. It was gone.

  "For sure," Breanna muttered nervously.

  But what choice did they have?

  "I don't want to be-" Jaylin started.

  "Go ahead and be," Breanna said. "I'm as pale around the gills as you are, right now."

  "I was thinking-maybe if we all held hands-"

  "For sure!"

  Che agreed. They needed the reassurance of each other's proximity. They knew intellectually that the Ring of Void would protect them, but emotionally they remained in deep doubt. They formed a circle around the deadly pit and extended their arms. Sim would be extending his wings, and the night colt-

  "Two of you take hold of Putre," Che said. They took hold, then let themselves slide forward into the black hole.

  There was a feeling of enormous compression and simultaneous velocity. They dropped down, down, ever down into the depth. The universe seemed to whirl around them, dizzyingly stable.

  Then they were at the bottom, or rather the center. Things were floating all around. "Are we all here?" Che inquired mentally, as he seemed to have no voice.

  "I am here," Justin's reply came. It was a thought rather than a voice.

  "Me too," Breanna's thought came, tinged with female.

  "Present." That was Cynthia.

  "Here." Jaylin.

  "Squawk."

  "Neigh."

  They all laughed, though it was just a round of pleasant feeling.

  "I suspect we are without our bodies at the moment," Che thought. "But we are functional. Now we must locate the Swell Foop."

  "So let's assemble the Ring Tube," Breanna thought. "Here is my-oops."

  "It is your Ring we want at the moment, not your private parts, however delectable they may be," Justin thought primly.

  "Oh, shut up, lover! I mean I can't find my Ring."

  "Just look on your little finger," Cynthia thought. "It should be, um-where is my finger?"

  "Where is mine?" Jaylin thought, alarmed.

  "And my claw?" Sim squawked/thought.

  Soon it was clear, in
a foggy way, that none of them could find their Rings, because they had no extremities on which to wear them. That was, it seemed, one of the unforeseen consequences of being bodiless.

  "I believe we are in a quantum state," Che thought. "We are randomly mixed together, our material beings overlapping."

  "Overlap your own female," Breanna snapped. "The only one I want overlapping me is Justin."

  "He means that the rules of physics are different under extreme compression," Justin thought. "We are all occupying the same point. We are merged with each other, and our Rings."

  "Then how the bleep can we line them up?"

  "I am not sure. Perhaps we can align our bodies."

  "Then who will be left to sight through the tube?" Cynthia thought.

  "I don't want anybody sighting through my tubes." Breanna objected.

  "I fear this is not feasible," Justin thought. "It seems the rules of engagement have changed in the quantum state."

  "No they haven't!" Breanna flared. "We're still getting married the moment this is done!"

  Someone sent a wash of humor.

  "Perhaps we can operate without the tube," Che thought, "and perform a physical search."

  "Of whom?" Breanna demanded. "Nobody's going to search my body but-"

  "Or a mental search," Justin thought quickly. "Whatever way is feasible in this state."

  "I'm not too eager to have anyone snooping through my mind, either," Breanna thought.

  "I fear you are not in your right mind at the moment, dear girl."

  "Is that so? Well, you can just take your-"

  "She feels hysterical," Jaylin thought nervously.

  "Who is hysterical?" Breanna's thought screamed.

  "This calls for a firm measure," Cynthia decided. "Kiss her, Justin."

  "Gladly." There followed a sensation of sheer ecstasy surrounded by overlapping quantum hearts.

  "For sure," Breanna thought blissfully as she sank out of sight.

  "You never kissed me like that," Cynthia thought to Che.

  "Well, it's hard to caress your front side and your back side simultaneously."

  "You could if you really tried."

  There was a mental squawk and titter as Sim and Jaylin tried to visualize centaurs doing that.