And he had been a contributing factor in ripping it off of her face. His stomach turned again with the memory of her expression as realization had swept in with his disclosed betrayal.
He'd been an hour out of town, heading home for turkey with the family, when he'd received a text from Ryan.
I trusted you.
He immediately tried to call her, but the call didn't go through.
So Jesse followed his instincts. The same instincts that made him good at his job and terrible at life.
He rang the bell and waited. He checked over his shoulder again and saw her once gorgeous baby blue Camaro all smashed up in the driveway. From what she had told him, it was the last gift her mom had given her. And now it was just one more thing her family had taken.
Relatively loud music came through the door.
She had to be home.
Jesse tried the handle and found it was open. It should have been locked, even in a nice neighborhood — or maybe because of it. She was a woman living alone. The door should be locked. The security panel on the wall caught his eye.
Or at least set the alarm, doll. He shook his head with fresh frustration.
He made his way through the house, noting that all the lights were on, the music growing louder as he approached the living room.
His irritation with her foolishness melted the moment she came into view.
She was in yoga pants, a white tank top, and a chunky gray sweater. Her blonde hair was piled on top of her head, her feet bare. An empty wine bottle was being used as a micro phone as she sang along with what sounded like Jewel on the state-of-the-art speaker system.
“Hey! It's the betrayer!” she yelled pointing at him like she was telling an audience.
Jesse's heart sunk even further.
She was so drunk.
“This one is for you, friend.”
“Ryan—”
But she was already singing. It was a song Jesse didn't recognize but it was filled with lyrics that tore his heart out. It was about giving up on the disillusionment of youth and facing the reality of having a broken heart.
As she sang the chorus, “Goodbye, Alice in Wonderland,” he got the distinct impression she was singing it to everyone in her life, not just him. He was stuck to where he stood, unable to reach her — and yet caught in her sad eyes.
The song wrapped up and she stood still, suddenly very small despite her previous bravado.
“Oh.” She dropped the bottle and darted down the hall.
Jesse chased her, hearing the unmistakable sound of getting sick right before he hit the bathroom.
Ryan threw up again and again. All of it wine. She slumped over the toilet as sobs wracked her body.
Jesse handed her a roll of paper towels he found under the sink and then grabbed a washcloth from the shelf. He ran cold water over it before gently placing it on the back of Ryan's neck.
He sat down on the floor in the hallway, pressing his back to the wall, his legs straight out, watching her. Never had he'd seen someone so emotionally gutted.
And all he could think was that he had contributed.
He had taken this fragile heart and been callous. All she had needed was a decent friend, and he had failed at even that.
His profession was to treat wild things with the respect and dignity they deserved. And he'd broken that oath.
She threw up for quite some time, but the crying eventually stopped. She used the wet cloth to wipe off her mouth and her eyes connected with Jesse's for the first time since she'd finished that damn song.
The album must've finished because the house was quiet now.
Ryan crawled on her knees out into the hallway and curled up on the floor beside him, resting her head on his thigh.
Jesse closed his eyes as the heat from her cheek seeped into his jeans, telling him she was actually there. He placed a hesitant hand on her head, gently moving some her escaped her hair out her eyes.
“I'm so sorry, Ryan,” he whispered, his voice rougher than he expected.
“I know.”
A sharp burning shot through in his chest and Jesse steadied his breathing as he tried to identify it.
She was too good. Too kind. Too forgiving.
Jesse made a new promise.
One that he should have made months ago the first time she smiled at him.
His job, his reputation, they didn't matter.
She mattered.
He was going to do everything in his power to get her to a point that was safe and free from this place and these people that were tangled in her life.
Because that's what you do with something wild. You set it free.
“Jesse?” she asked softly.
“Hm?”
“Merlot is a dirty, filthy liar.”
Jesse felt his lips twitch and he rested his head against the wall. “I can't believe how much I've missed you.”
She didn't respond except to burrow closer to him.
He took it. The warmth, the closeness, the touch of her.
It was a gift he wasn't strong enough to refuse.
sixteen
“And, dear daughter, you are more courageous than you realize.”
Ryan's head stirred. A little moan escaped from her lips, waking Jesse from his careful doze.
His hand still rested on her head. Fingers threaded through her hair flexed against her scalp. The words from the song she sang to him last night with a broken voice and shattered eyes hadn't left his ears. He had no idea how this morning would go. If she would throw him out the moment she realized he was still there, or if they could have a conversation.
If it ended up being the latter, he was going to grovel. Throw himself at her mercy, unable to stand the person he'd become in her eyes.
She responded to his thoughts with a strangled whimper. Her hand that had been tucked under her chin, opened and held onto his jean covered thigh.
“Am I dead yet?”
“No.”
Silence.
“Almost dead?”
“God, I hope not.”
More silence.
Ryan's body slowly uncurled from its ball, but she didn't remove her head or her hand from his body.
“Jeremiah broke up with me a few days ago.”
Jesse froze.
“Why?”
Ryan sighed, her hot breath coming through the denim on his leg. “If I told you...” She snorted. “You wouldn't believe me. Truth is stranger than fiction.”
He relaxed his hand in her hair and gently stroked the strands back, doing his best to offer comfort even though he was feeling something quite a bit stronger than relief at her news.
Jeremiah had been all wrong for her. It was so obvious Jesse could have run it over with his truck. But he didn't want Ryan to get hurt. He had hoped she'd eventually see the bad idea that marrying that dick was, and dump him herself, even though he knew she wasn't mentally or emotionally aware enough to really do that. So he owed Jeremiah a terse “thank-you” at the very most. And a black eye at the very least.
“I'm sorry,” he said.
She sniffed. “No, you're not.”
“No,” he admitted. “I'm not.”
“He thought — still thinks, I'm pretty sure — that I'm pregnant. Not just pregnant, but pregnant with your kid.”
Jesse's entire body went still. He willed his hands to remain relaxed despite their desire to curl into fists.
“So,” she continued dryly. “He basically called me a big fat cheater all in one breath. It was awesome.”
Jesse closed his eyes and rested his head back against the wall with a sigh. “Caleb accused me of something similar yesterday.”
“We're causing quite the scandal, aren't we?”
“I am sorry, Ryan.” He lifted his head to look down at her, wishing he could give her a glimpse into his thoughts so that she could see and know he was telling the truth.
“What exactly are you sorry for?” she asked softly. Everything abou
t her was always so soft. Her hair, her voice, her spirit. She had every right to be violent with him and she was gentle. Because it was all she knew how to be.
His fingers re-threaded into her hair. Having her face away from him made this easier and more difficult at the same time. He wanted to see her face, but he wasn't convinced he'd be able to hold up under the pain he would find in her eyes. But she was still touching him, gripping his leg, her head firmly on his thigh. That was the best compromise he would ever be able to find.
“I'm sorry for not telling you everything. For keeping secrets from you. For the way you found out, for the things Caleb said. For the fact that I know you don't trust me anymore and I earned that. I'm sorry I've brought extra pain into your life when you are the absolute last person to deserve it.”
Her breaths came slow and deep, her body unmoved. Her hand flexed just barely against his leg.
“I appreciate the apology.”
See? Soft.
She didn't have a hard line in her body. She was gentle curves and easily bruised skin.
That was going to change, at least partially, as she navigated this new world she'd been thrust into.
Hopefully she wouldn't lose all of it.
Because underneath all the soft, was a center that was solid and sure and stubborn. A heart that didn't waver and a soul that didn't retreat.
Really, her softness was just another example of her strength.
A strength she had no idea she possessed. But she would learn, as it was exercised and practiced.
“Experience: that most brutal of teachers,” he murmured out loud, not meaning to.
Ryan's body stiffened and then, “But you learn, my God, do you learn.”
Jesse closed his eyes, his stomach lurching as she finished the C.S. Lewis quote. She was brilliant. Perfectly so.
She didn't belong here. She belonged somewhere she could grow and be free without the weight of her family and her dad's douchebaggery around her life.
“My mom made me promise to leave after she was gone,” Ryan said, as if reading his thoughts. Again. “She told me to chase my dreams. I didn't have the courage to tell her that I didn't have any.”
“Oh, Ryan,” Jesse whispered. It was a reaction. It came from his gut as he realized he'd been wrong. He only thought she had been telling him everything. But there was more under the surface. Another layer to uncover.
“So you can do whatever you want with that,” she said, emotional fatigue adding weight to her words.
What could he possibly do?
***
Ryan hit the bottom step and heard Jesse's low voice on the phone. She paused briefly, her steps stuttering but not stopping completely.
“I know, mom. I promise I'll make it up to you as soon as I can.”
He was standing with his back to the oven and one hand in his jeans pocket. Gray long-sleeve tee loose on his torso but tight around his biceps. He'd changed his clothes since she'd showered.
His indigo eyes came up as she entered the kitchen and crinkled at the corners with a hidden smile.
“I have to go. Give everyone my love.” He waited for the reply, keeping eye contact with Ryan, before sliding his phone back in his pocket. “Feel any better?”
Ryan shrugged, her wet hair sending a chill through to her skin from the damp areas of her shirt. “Not really. I'm pretty sure I turned myself completely inside out last night. I'm not sure if the human body can ever be 'fine' again after an experience like that. What would you even call it? It's not quite 'out of body,' more like an intimate exploration of the reverse process of the lower esophageal sphincter.”
Jesse's lips twitched, one side curling up just a bit.
Ryan arched an eyebrow. “Don't laugh. It was existential as fuck.”
That did it. Jesse let out a burst of laughter and it was enough to make Ryan smile. A small smile, but it was still there.
He sobered and silence fell between them again. Not the comfortable kind that she was used to having with him from before. But the regular awkward that happened between two people who didn't really know one another. Stranger silence.
“I'm sorry you missed seeing your family — ”
Jesse shook his head, his lips rolled inward. “It's not your fault.”
She rolled her eyes and dipped her ear towards her shoulder. “Well, it kind of is. I mean, you wouldn't be here at all if...” She tugged at the hem of her t-shirt — a faded gray University of Alabama shirt declaring Roll Tide.
“If I hadn't been a dick,” Jesse finished.
She smirked and he let that sit there before changing the subject.
“I made you some breakfast if you're up for it. And I went through your supplies. I think I can make us a decent meal for Thanksgiving.” He held her eyes. “Unless you want me to leave.”
Her gaze dropped to the floor as she considered asking him to leave. But she really didn't want to be alone. And as stupid as is sounded, she still liked Jesse. She was more wary of him, for sure. But she still liked him.
“I guess it depends on how much you're ready to tell me about what's going on.”
“Everything,” he answered quickly, her eyes snapping back to his. “I'll tell you everything. Anything. Whatever you want to know and all the extra that you wouldn't even know to ask about.”
Ryan pressed her lips together, trying to gauge his sincerity. Was this just one more manipulation? How would she be able to tell?
“The risk is greater for me,” she pointed out.
Something clouded over Jesse's eyes. “No, it's not.”
seventeen
“Please don't ever doubt the way I love you. With everything I am and everything I have.”
How does a person decide when it's okay to share their secrets with another? What about that other person makes it so it's safe? Not just secrets, but the emotional reverberations of those secrets, the blowback from the experience?
These were questions that Ryan would have asked her mom. And her mom would have had the perfect answer. Soft-spoken, wise, and open-ended. Something about taking risks and following intuition. Taking each moment as it comes and not applying the same rule to every person.
In other words, Ryan would still have the same questions, but she'd feel more comfortable making her decision going forward.
But this time it was Jesse's turn to trust her.
They sat facing each other on her couch. She folded her legs underneath her and faced center. Jesse cocked one leg, keeping the other on the floor, and reclined more in the corner. One long arm stretched along the back of the couch.
He wasn't wearing his boots. Ryan couldn't remember ever seeing him without boots on. Even in his hotel room or in the stalls, he had slept with his boots on. The exposed cotton socks showed a new vulnerability. It was small, but she noticed.
“I used to work at this stable in South Carolina, Crater Farms,” Jesse was explaining roughly. His eyes so dark, they were navy. “I had been gentling horses since I was twelve and my reputation had spread. It was a small town, that happens. I had gotten hired straight outta high school to work for this guy who had deep pockets and big ambition. But no real knowledge about horses or the industry.”
Ryan propped her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her head on her fist. He didn't look at her face. She understood that. Sometimes it was easier to talk about certain things if you didn't have to see the reaction of the other person. Especially if you were anticipating disappointment.
Ryan wasn't scared to find out what it was he'd been hiding. As far as she was concerned, she'd pretty much hit her bottom in trusting people. Nothing he could tell her now would make her dislike him any more, or like him any less. She was at a point of acceptance. He was who he was, he'd done what he'd done.
The only thing she was going to be left to decide was if she was willing to still go on the road with him.
“I was young,” Jesse went on. “Not just in age, but in experience. I made promises that
I had no idea if I could keep. He wanted a winning race team. He wanted it so badly he was willing to do anything to get it.”
That's when his eyes lit on Ryan's face. “I never did anything to those horses that would have put them at risk,” he said firmly.
Ryan felt a chill race down her spine and goosebumps broke out along her arms.
“But he found someone who didn't have the same convictions as me.”
Ryan frowned. “What are you saying?”
“I'm saying that when I was eighteen, I was involved in a racing scandal that ended the lives of some of the best horses in the industry.”
Ryan's breathing grew shallow. The planes of Jesse's face hardened and flexed, responding to the turmoil rolling through his eyes.
“I wasn't in control of their diets or their medical care. I was just the trainer. Some other people did things that I tried to prevent. But I was a kid, and no one took me seriously. By the time I realized the repercussions of what they were doing, it was too late. My strongest colt died of a heart attack during workouts the day before a big race.” His eyes shuttered as he went someplace dark and looked to the floor. “The stables were raided the next day. All of the horses were taken and six people were arrested. Including me.”
“You?” Ryan breathed, her mind racing as it tried to balance all of this new information with what she'd witnessed over the past few months.
He blinked slowly and returned his eyes to hers. “Yeah. But Caleb had been watching. He took advantage of the circumstances and approached me with a deal. I was nineteen and terrified of spending the next decade of my life in prison, so I took it. He made the impossible happen and the charges were reduced to a misdemeanor as long as I went to work for him.”
Ryan lifted her eyebrows. “So is the devil you know better than the one you don't?”
Jesse's mouth twitched, but not with humor. “The racing world is governed almost entirely internally — you know that. Caleb made the scandal all but disappear. He's powerful. In a way that makes my previous employer look like a chump. His ambition is beyond impressive — it's all consuming. But he's smart, Ryan. Like, scary smart.”
Stubborn Hearts Page 12
