He had no idea what kind of sore spot of hers he’d brushed up against. He didn’t know, but he had to keep talking. That’s why Subaru quickly pulled himself together and said, “Maybe you don’t understand, but listen to me anyway. It’s the truth! The first time we met when I came to this world—”
Instantly, the scene ground to a halt, and Subaru realized he had brushed against the forbidden. This was the world where time was frozen and everything stopped.
He could no longer hear even the furious beating of his heart. Emilia’s voice, which he had heard until that very moment, grew distant. Even the high-pitched ringing sounds vanished without a trace as the world of silence beckoned.
Subaru could not contain his anger, both at himself, and at the enforcing shadow with no respect for the mood—the shadow that inflicted unending pain upon Subaru when he spoke about his peculiar trait.
After the warning from the halted world that he had nearly violated the taboo, time began to tick once more.
—With a thump, Subaru realized his entire body had broken out in a cold sweat.
By the whim of the shadow, he had not received a painful penalty. He remembered that. If he kept talking like he had just been about to, the shadow would mercilessly torture his heart in the frozen world.
The words he would have spoken tumbled back down his throat. The sincere thoughts he wanted to share had no place to go, a millstone Subaru’s shoulders had no choice but to bear.
Emilia said, “…Once again, you’re not saying anything.”
Her cold, hard voice battered his eardrums. It sounded like despair—like she’d given up. The uncharacteristic anger, the surge of sadness within her chest that had no outlet—what could he do about them? Even if he tried to tell her how he really felt, she wasn’t listening to him anymore. And if he tried to tell her everything, that accursed shadow would get in his way to stop him.
He asked, “Why…don’t you understand…?”
“…Subaru.”
“I thought, you… You of all people would understand…”
“The me inside your head is really something, isn’t she?”
That one sentence was filled with enough distance and isolation to make him cry.
When Subaru lifted his face, astounded, Emilia averted her eyes and faced away from him.
He wondered whom the lonely smile that came over her lips was meant for…him, or her?
She continued, “She understands it, all of it, without even having to ask. Your pain, your sadness, your anger—she feels all of them as her own.”
“……Huh?”
“—If you don’t say it, I can’t understand, Subaru.”
He’d been rejected. He’d been smashed to bits. His illusion crumbled into dust.
The one thing he truly thought he could believe in since falling into that world vanished.
“I…”
He’d risked his life, endured the pain of being bitten all over, wiped away his tears and surpassed them, all to continue to protect the idol he had erected in his mind.
And so, his arbitrary utopia, one that had never existed, crumbled without a sound.
His lips quivered. His eyes were hot inside. His tongue was twitching. His heartbeats were so fierce he could hear them.
“Everything…I’ve done…”
He lifted up his face and met Emilia’s violet eyes. They were filled only with sadness. When he saw his own face reflected there, it was truly pitiful and beyond salvation.
He raised up his shrill voice in anger, so much that the room seemed to shake with it.
“—You got this far because of me, didn’t you?! Like at the loot cellar when your crest got stolen! I saved you from that uber-dangerous serial killer! I put my body on the line! All because you’re important to me!!”
His fingertips trembled as they gripped the sheets. His nails dug into his palm and slowly drew blood. He continued, enumerating every deed to his credit that he could think of as he tried to chase after her shadow, far in the distance.
“Like at the mansion! I barely hung on there! My skull got cracked, my head went flying, but everyone in the village got saved anyway, didn’t they?! And things turned out the best way possible with Ram and Rem, I’m sure of it! That’s because I was there, right?!”
The fact that he had saved everyone at the loot cellar, and at the mansion—all that had been possible because of him. These were the deeds Subaru ought to be proud of, and rewarded for. He’d come that far. He’d done so much. He added, “You have to owe me something for everything I’ve done for you—!!”
He shouted because the meaning of all his actions, and the thoughts behind them, had been refuted. Subaru’s vainglorious search for praise, his gnawing desire for satisfaction, and his egotistical wish to be wanted, had been the unconscious extremes that had led him down his path.
And all were summed up in a single, defining word.
With a halting, shaky voice, Emilia said to Subaru, who was breathing roughly with sweat on his brow, “…Right.”
Her words had a tone of acceptance, of resignation, of resolve—in other words, it was the end.
“Subaru, I owe you a huge, incredible debt for many things you’ve done, so…”
“Yeah, that’s right. That’s why I—”
“So I’ll repay it all to you. Then we can end this.”
Her statement, incredibly clear, raised Subaru’s face like he’d been kicked. And when he saw that Emilia’s gaze was even hollower than before, he realized that his hasty words should never have been spoken.
In a childish tantrum, he had trampled even his purest thoughts underfoot, throwing it all away.
“—That’s enough, Subaru Natsuki.”
If the relationship between them was only about repaying favors, that relationship would end as soon as the debt was repaid.
That was the only conclusion the situation could reach, now that he’d tallied up the things he’d done in the hope of giving her something without the slightest thought of a reward.
Ever since their first, intimate encounter, she had called Subaru by his first name. He understood all too late that he could not recover the affection he had lost.
She stated, “Rem will come later. Do as she says. Everything else, I will arrange afterward, so…”
He couldn’t even reply. Nor was there anything he could ask of her.
Emilia began to walk, putting distance between them—physical distance, but an emotional distance that was far greater. In that moment, Subaru lacked the courage to reach his fingers toward her back, or even to watch her as she left.
When Emilia reached for the door, she abruptly stopped and murmured.
“I…”
She spoke in a soft voice, like she wanted to say it less to Subaru than to herself.
“…got my hopes up. I thought, just maybe, you…you wouldn’t give me special treatment, Subaru. I thought you could look at me like an ordinary person, like an ordinary girl, the same as any other…”
This was the girl that had demanded fair treatment in the chamber at the royal selection.
The fact she was a half-elf must have caused her intense and prolonged suffering for her wish for something so meager. But…
Subaru replied with a faltering, quiet murmur of his own.
“I can’t…do that.”
Emilia hadn’t spoken as though she sought a response. Therefore, Subaru’s own murmur was not a reply, but a statement for his own benefit.
Mulling over Emilia’s words, Subaru weakly and limply shook his head.
“Even if you tossed out every other person in the whole world, I couldn’t do that. I can’t look at you the same as everyone else, I just can’t.”
That, at least, was the unmistakable truth.
He heard the door close. The air became still again.
Left alone in the room, Subaru curled up on top of the blankets, his gaze wandering.
Abruptly, he pulled himself to the corner of
the bed. He saw the robe that had fallen on the floor.
He reached out, pulled it close, and embraced it. As he hugged it, he felt like a trace of human warmth remained in it when all others had vanished. Subaru squeezed it against his chest, as if trying to bind that warmth to himself.
—That day, for the first time in that other world, Subaru Natsuki became truly alone.
EPILOGUE
KNIGHTLY EXPECTATIONS
1
“So do you have anything to say, Sir Julius?”
“No, nothing at all. Everything is in accord with the report.”
Two men spoke in the darkness of a room untouched by the sun’s rays. The space belonged to the captain of the guards in the knights’ garrison, adjacent to the royal palace. Marcus was sitting at his official desk, with Julius standing ramrod straight in front of the table.
“I could offer no complaint if you were to banish me from the Knights of the Royal Guard for my breach of conduct. Do as you will, captain.”
Julius pulled his sword out of the scabbard at his hip and offered it across the top of the desk. The sight of Julius offering up his sword drew a deep sigh out of Marcus.
“So during a discussion about the royal selection, you detained a man related to one of the candidates, led him to the parade square, beat him senseless, and sent him off to be healed. Judging from the contents of this document alone, I cannot simply let this pass with a slap on the wrist.” But the better question was what in the world the “finest” of knights was thinking when he did such a thing. Naturally, the knightly blood was not so thin in Marcus that he could not hazard a guess. He continued, “I am at liberty to take circumstances into account. Many of your fellow knights at the parade square have entreated me to show leniency. Having said all this, you indeed went too far.”
The wounds endured by the young man at the parade square far exceeded what was tolerable for mock combat. Marcus asked, “Did you find his tarnishing of your knightly pride unforgivable to that extent?”
“Glossing this over will only give rise to personal grudges. My personal shortcomings are solely to blame. Please, captain, do not waste any more words for my benefit.”
Julius did not relent, meekly awaiting his punishment to the very end. Marcus lowered his eyes, considering what words to use in light of his unyielding stance. Then, Ferris opened the door, entering the room with his well-worn guard uniform and a casual attitude.
“Hi, sorry to keep you waiting. Your dear Ferri has returned!”
Seeing Marcus and Julius facing the other, Ferris put a hand to his mouth and smiled mischievously.
“Meow, did Ferri come at a bad time? You’re sharing such passionate looks…”
Marcus replied, “…Cease that idle prattle and report, you precocious brat.”
“Ohh, captain, your true colors are showing.”
“I suppose I should behave before my men the same as in public… Well, fine. Make your report.”
With Marcus shooing him off, Ferris stood right beside Julius.
“As per the captain’s orders, Ferri went all meowt healing Subawu. His wounds are closed, his bones mended, even his teeth have been restored. He’ll be all right.”
“Well done. You didn’t miss anything?”
“If Ferri missed it, it couldn’t be found in the first place. There’s no problem with his body… Though, the same can’t be said for his heart.”
Ferris’s cat ears twitched as he shot Julius a teasing sidelong glance.
“You really are a softie, Julius. How many girls have you made swoon with that thoughtfulness and devotion? You’re even making Ferri’s heart flutter.”
“I do not know what you speak of, Ferris.”
“You don’t need to keep playing tough. That girl with good instincts already noticed, and it still worked wonders on the guy who didn’t, so why worry? Or maybe dear Ferri comes off as an airhead who won’t notice what Julius and the captain are thinking?”
When Julius held his silence, Ferris’s eyes narrowed in even greater delight.
“Tee-hee, you’re so cuuute when you’re quiet. But don’t worry.—Because you put him through so much torture, we don’t need to worry about other people going after him that don’t know how to stop.”
“”
Ferris’s teasing words dragged a faint smile out of Julius. Marcus, having listened to their conversation in silence, nodded and indicated he understood Julius’s decision.
“The young ones were no doubt on edge from how the brat’s statement demeaned the knightly class. Being assigned to the royal guard means great skill with the sword and pride to match.”
The knights’ discontent, created by Subaru’s conduct at the royal selection conference, had been in search of a place to explode. Marcus continued, “Had someone else run off and started a confrontation, the lad might well have lost his life for his insolence.”
Ferris picked up where Marcus left off and pointed out what Julius had concluded.
“So a knight had to smack Subawu around before that could happen. If it wasn’t for Julius, Ferri might have had to take care of it…”
Julius explained, “It’s using the right person for the right job. We can’t have you becoming his enemy when you have to heal him. Besides, it seemed more natural if I was the one to do it. I could also say…I was confident that I could pull it off the best.”
Marcus commented, “It was no doubt correct to leave a weaker opponent to Julius’s hands. Practice with your sword more often, why don’t you?”
“Nooo! Swinging swords around makes you all sweaty and gives you callouses. Meow, Ferri could never show these pearly white palms to Lady Crusch again!”
Marcus, seeing Ferris so casually brushing off his captain’s commands, sighed with a resigned look.
“Sir Julius Juukulius, this is your punishment.—For five days, you are suspended from your duties and forbidden to enter the garrison or enter the royal palace. I shall retain your sword until that time has passed.”
“—As you command.”
Julius, closing his eyes as if digesting the stated punishment, handed Marcus his knight’s sword. Marcus, accepting the weapon that was the very symbol of his pride as a knight, quietly shook his head.
“Sorry. Properly speaking, this was not a burden you should have had to bear.”
Julius rebutted, “Captain, you always strive for the best possible outcome. The Knights of the Royal Guard were once disbanded, but today, they boast the strongest and most gallant of men because of you.”
Ferris chimed in, “That’s right. Ferri would never say this to anyone besides Lady Crusch, but have more confidence in yourself, captain.”
Marcus bluntly replied, “If you’re going to say things like that, put on a proper man’s clothes!”
Ferris shrugged his shoulders as if to say, That’s the one order I’ll never obey. Marcus laid Julius’s sword on top of the table with care before sitting back down in his chair.
“The matter is concluded. There are other duties I must attend to. Dismissed.”
Marcus’s formal words announced he had returned to his public persona.
When the other two left the room, the atmosphere became tranquil once more. Marcus, now alone, leaned back into his creaking chair and glared up at the ceiling. The affair on his mind was separate from the mock combat, and concerned a report he had received from the castle guards after the conference’s conclusion.
“‘Should an intruder in the castle bear the family crest of the hawk, let him pass’…”
So read the order issued to the guards at the palace gate. That order was why the guards had requested instructions from Marcus after they captured the old man related to Felt.
In other words, the appearance of an intruder was set in stone from the very beginning.
When the clownish visage of the man who had issued the command came to mind, Marcus ground his teeth.
“Damn you, Roswaal. What the hell are you planning…
?”
His stony face burned with irritation as he pondered what the eccentric might be up to.
2
“Meow, the captain’s not too smooth, either. He saw the whole thing through, so why couldn’t he just drop it altogether?”
“Allowing such an act to go unpunished would be unacceptable even under these circumstances. I wouldn’t wish for that, either.”
Ferris was gazing at the side of Julius’s handsome face as the two walked down the corridor of the garrison side by side.
Ferris’s lips pouted at how Julius looked so satisfied.
“So, Julius, what are you going to do meow?” Ferris asked.
“Naturally, I will follow my captain’s command and spend time at the mansion. I will explain the situation to Lady Anastasia… My only concern is whether she can take it easy in the meantime.”
“But you like that about her, don’t you? Ferri can tell!”
Ferris’s cheeks puffed up as he put his own spin on Julius’s words. Julius then looked at his cat-eared companion as if he’d just remembered something.
“Incidentally, Ferris, about the boy from earlier…”
Before the question was even fully posed, Ferris replied, all warmth draining from his lips.
“He’s with Lady Emilia right now. After…he’ll be staying at the Karsten mansion to convalesce.”
Accepting the reply, Julius closed his eyes and pondered for a time.
“Convalesce…is it? It would seem he has suffered an injury far graver than any seen from without.”
“Mew didn’t hear one word about that from your dear Ferri.”
Ferris’s behavior, however, made the situation clear as day. Julius could guess what had happened since handing Subaru over to Ferris. The wise young man soon arrived at his answer.
“—It is truly in Lady Emilia’s nature to cause pain in others.”
“Are mew thinking, ‘Even though she could live a much wiser life’?”
“No. That very nature is what allows her to live as nobly and beautifully as she does. I do not deign to wish her to change. Thus, all I can do is hope that she lives more righteously, more genuinely, without anything to be ashamed of.”
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 4 Page 23
