It was obvious to me, watching them tend Jinx, that Mum liked William. The approving little glances she kept shooting my way kind of reinforced that impression. She’d been on at me for so long to get a boyfriend and go out and do stuff away from horses that she’d probably have been pleased if I’d brought home an axe-murderer. OK, so maybe not. But subtle, she wasn’t.
I wanted to be in there among them as they looked after Jinx, wanted it so badly it was like a punch in the stomach. I flexed my fingers and winced at the ache that shot through my bones. My hips felt like all the cartilage had been sucked out of them by some evil magic spell. And my wrists and thumbs and forefingers hurt with such a deep hot ache that I knew it was going to take one of the Clydesdale-strength pills to get rid of the pain. If Dad would let me have one.
I looked at Jinx, his glossy coat marked with darker patches where he’d sweated and been sponged down. I knew he’d given me 100 per cent in that test. I knew I’d given everything I had, too. I had done everything I could and, when I thought about it, everything I had set out to do. I was done.
I dropped my empty drink container in the rubbish bin Eleni had set out by the door of the float that morning and went over to where she was wiping Jinx’s nose free of hay dust.
“Can you put his hay net up please, Leni? And you can start undoing his mane.”
“What? You’ve still got another test.”
“I’m going to withdraw.”
“You might change your mind about that in a minute.” Tash’s voice came from behind me. “Your score’s already up.”
I turned and looked at her, aware that everyone had done the same. Except Jinx, of course, who didn’t understand and probably wouldn’t have cared if he did.
“You got 76 per cent,” Tash said, her eyes gleaming.
“Holy crap,” I breathed and for once neither Jennie nor Mum pounced on me for swearing. I wouldn’t have cared if they did. Getting a score of 76 per cent meant I’d averaged scores of sevens and eights. That was incredible.
“Are you sure?” I asked anxiously. “I will seriously kill you if you’ve stuffed it up.”
“Melissa,” Mum said reproachfully, but she sounded like it was something she felt she ought to say. She didn’t seem genuinely cranky about it. Mum knew enough about dressage to understand just what a great score that was. Dressage riders usually got excited to score in the 60s.
“And,” Tash said, leaving it hanging it dramatically.
“Tash,” Mum said, with just as little tolerance for suspense as me. Tash just grinned, undaunted. “You’re in first place.”
I opened my mouth but no words came out. I was stunned. Part of my brain was reminding me that there were still riders left to go. But the Novice field wasn’t that big. Even if all the scores still to come in were pretty good, I had a great chance of actually placing. And, you know, the smallest voice piped up inside, 76 per cent is a massive score. Gonna take some beating.
Eleni rubbed Jinx’s nose and looked at me.
“Are you sure you want me to give him his hay? You’d only need to do another solid test and you’d have a real shot at being Novice Champion.”
Dad looked at Mum, then at me. “Why not have a go, darling?” he said. “I admit you were right about being able to manage Jinx. You rode him beautifully. Wait until you see the video.”
“I had a lot of help, Dad,” I said. “I couldn’t have done it without Tash and Eleni.”
I looked at Jinx and daydreamed for a long, intensely pleasurable moment of a champion sash tied around his neck. Then I realised why I really wanted that ribbon. It wasn’t for Jinx; he didn’t care about such things. It wasn’t even really for me; I already knew in my heart that my horse was a champion.
I wanted that ribbon for the same reason I wanted to qualify Jinx for the squad. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it. That I was capable and successful and good at something despite my bumpy knuckles and sausage fingers. Despite all the things that other people had to do for me, like carry stuff and open doors and modify my girth and even ride my horse, I wanted to prove that I could do something great myself. And I had. But it had almost cost me more than I ever realised.
I’d been trying so hard to prove I didn’t have a disability that I had almost crippled everything else in my life that was important. Like my relationship with my mother. And with my friends; the two best friends a girl could ever have. I’d almost driven William away when really he was the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world.
And it was all so stupid because none of it mattered in the way that counted most. Nothing that I did was ever going to undo that fact I have JRA. By trying to deny that, I had been making it worse for myself and everyone I loved. Even—especially—my darling Jinx.
“Jinx is already a champion,” I said eventually, “and he’s done everything I could ask today. Give him his hay.”
“That’s a brave decision,” Mum said as she slid her arm carefully around my shoulders. Instead of meeting her stiffness with a resistance of my own, like I usually did, I leaned into her. I can’t begin to describe the expression that flitted across her face, but it made me want to laugh and cry, hug her and apologise, all at the same time. I didn’t do any of that, of course—the very idea almost paralysed me—so instead I sought refuge in the ordinary and thrust my chin out at her.
“Mum, would you please unbuckle my helmet for me and take it off? My head is boiling.”
“Sure darling.” I felt her fingers (long, straight, elegant) fiddle at my throat and then the restricting heat of the helmet was gone. The air was unbelievably cool on my sweaty hair. I fumbled quickly at my hair net, managing to slide my thumb under the edge and drag it off. To hell with the risk of bumped knuckles—no way was I letting William see me wearing that without the helmet hiding the worst of it. Not a good look.
“Are you sure you aren’t going to regret this?” Tash asked, all seriousness.
“I don’t know, Jeez. Did you have to say it?”
“Well, yeah, somebody had to.”
“I was thinking it,” Eleni admitted.
“Me too,” William said, surprising me. I thought he would be firmly in the ‘don’t ride’ camp. I held his gaze and he looked back at me calmly, hands in pockets, his face giving nothing away. Did that mean he trusted me to make up my own mind?
Wrong as I’d been about a lot of things, that was something I could and should control. I could decide what was best for me. I sighed.
“I couldn’t do him justice anyway. My hands—my hands have had it. I can’t manage another test.” There. I’d admitted it. I’d admitted my hands were too sore and used up for me to ride. For the first time ever. And the sky didn’t fall down on my head. Who knew?
I glanced quickly around at the faces of my friends and family and there were no outraged expressions of shock or disapproval or anything else I’d been afraid I’d see. They didn’t look at me as though I was a freak or a failure or even a whiner. What I saw was acceptance.
“Right,” Eleni said. “Hay for you, Jinx. Such a good boy.”
Tash gave me a smile and went straight to work unravelling the bundled up plaits in Jinx’s mane. Mum and Jennie started discussing having a celebration dinner at our place that night, which was weird because I wasn’t sure exactly what there was to celebrate.
I looked at William and wished everybody else could disappear, just for a moment, so I could kiss him again and reassure myself that things really were OK between us. As if he read my mind, he started towards me.
“Melissa, there you are! I have been looking for you. What a wonderful test you did today.” It was Petra Hein, surprisingly tall when you were on the ground beside her rather than peering down from the back of your horse.
I grinned up at her, thrilled that she’d seen us. “Thank you.”
Petra smiled around at everyone politely, but she looked longest at Jinx, now nose-deep in hay and blissfully oblivious to the importan
ce of squad selectors.
“Your horse is looking very well and going beautifully. You are riding again today, yes?”
“No, I’m withdrawing. I have arthritis and can only manage one test today.” Again the sky didn’t fall on my head when I said it. Amazing.
“That is a shame, but never mind. I already have you on my shortlist for the squad. I think you will win your class, too, today. There is nobody else whose horse is going so well.”
My heart stopped and my stomach writhed so violently I came perilously close to throwing up right then. What a great impression that would have made. I didn’t know what to say and even if I had, I don’t know that I was game to open my mouth just then.
“Thanks,” I eventually squeezed out past clamped lips, sure Petra must think I was a moron as well as a crock.
“You’re welcome. Keep up the good work.” She smiled all round, cast another admiring glance at Jinx and disappeared between the horse floats across the way from us.
“Oh. My. God.” Eleni squeaked. “This totally rocks.”
I grinned, shrugged and kept my mouth shut until my stomach was quiet again. Then I realised I’d better tell my friends what I hadn’t wanted to say to Petra, at least until the list was finalised. If I was still on it, I could tell her then.
“I don’t think I’ll be on that squad.”
“What! You’re sure to be, especially if you win today. She as good as said you were in and you saw the way she looked at Jinx.”
“She does like Jinx, but he won’t be going. Not unless you want to ride him, Tash.”
“You’re joking, right?” Tash said, but she looked as though she kind of hoped I wasn’t. It confirmed what I’d suspected—that she really had enjoyed riding Jinx. That was good to know, considering what I had to say next.
“Hey, everyone?” I said awkwardly, wanting to get everyone’s attention so I’d only have to say it once. I sucked in a breath, just like I had out in the arena, and made myself take the next one.
“I want to tell you something,” I said. I went over to Jinx, gave him a hug, then with my forearm resting on the crazy curls of his mane where Tash had undone his rosettes, I looked at the expectant faces of my family and friends.
“I think it’s time I stopped riding Jinx.”
“Do you think you’ll change your mind?” William asked me later.
I looked at Jinx, now back home and happily grazing in his paddock after his big day. His mane, freed from the tightly-plaited rosettes, crinkled crazily along his neck and made him look like he’d been given a bad home-perm. Jinx’s frizzy mane was proof that we made it to Goulburn, that this amazing day really had happened. We had held on to our lead and there was an outrageously gorgeous, shiny blue ribbon laid out on the back of the lounge inside, where it was being duly admired. Even Gary and Brendan had oohed and aahed pretty convincingly, which was nice of them. Polocrosse players didn’t have much truck with fancy stuff like ribbons.
I hadn’t needed a Clydesdale-strength pill after all; just some ordinary painkillers along with making myself let everyone else do the work. The pain level in my joints had lowered considerably. It was still there, but bearable.
“It’s not really a choice,” I said.
William’s arm snaked around my waist and my breath hitched, my skin tightening all over. Did I do that to him I wondered?
“It is a choice. Nobody made you stop riding. You made that decision yourself.”
I snorted. “With a big fat push from you.”
“Melissa.” William put his other arm around me and drew me around to face him. He let go of me for a moment and slid his fingers through my hair then cupped my jaw. If I’d been struck by lightning right at that instant I’d have died utterly happy.
“Don’t stop riding just because I think you should. I’m being selfish because I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ll love you no matter what you decide, but I don’t want you to regret it and then blame me for making you give it up.”
“I won’t,” I muttered, too distracted by something else he’d said. “Did you just say you loved me?”
He blinked. “I might have, I guess. I dunno.”
“Oh,” I said and looked down at my boots, totally deflated.
William’s hand under my chin gently tilted my face so my gaze met his. “I do love you Melissa, more than anything. Don’t you know that yet?”
“I’m starting to get it,” I said as a grin spread across my face. I carefully wrapped my arms around his neck, even though it was a bit of a reach. William grinned back at me and bent his knees to make it easier. I pressed my forearms against his neck and lifted up on tip toes as he bent down a bit more until our lips met. As his mouth moved on mine, tongue sliding deliciously between my lips, I edged my fingers into the dark waves of hair curling against his warm neck and closed my eyes, revelling in the sensations rushing over me. Eventually, he lifted his lips from mine and his eyes asked a question I was happy to answer.
“I love you too. I really am so sorry for the things I said. I was upset and angry because it felt like you were trying to ruin all my dreams. But you weren’t and you were right. I just couldn’t see it.”
“Yeah, but I should have found a better way to say it. I’m really sorry I hurt you.”
“Maybe, but I don’t think it would have mattered. I didn’t want to hear it. I had to be ready, you know? I had to realise it for myself, not have someone tell me.”
I looked at Jinx and noticed for the first time that it was getting dark. It had been a hot day, but now that the sun had almost gone it was getting chilly. I shivered.
“Time to go in,” William said and we started walking back up towards the house. William matched his long stride to my shorter legs and fit his hand to the small of my back, sliding his fingers under the waistband of my jods. I tingled all over and shot him a sideways glance, wondering if he knew. He just gave me a grin that looked very wicked in the fading light.
My stomach rose up and grumbled as we passed the gate into the house yard. It was so nice to just feel hungry and be anticipating the dinner waiting for us inside rather than be racked up with nerves and denial. Oh, I was sure there was still plenty of that waiting for me too—I knew there were going to be times when I’d feel awful that I couldn’t ride Jinx. But he was too precious for me to risk ruining him or injuring him because I just couldn’t ride him properly.
Not being able to ride Jinx didn’t mean I had to give up riding all together. I guessed I could look around for a quieter horse. If I wanted to. I couldn’t imagine doing that now, though. Jinx could enjoy a spell for a month and then I’d see. I had a feeling Tash might be happy to lease him for a while and if she was up for it, we could see how that went. And there were other things you could do that involved horses other than riding. There were even university courses where you could learn to do research or be a bloodstock agent or a horse nutritionist. That would be cool. There might even be something I could do with bad hands.
But I wasn’t going to make any big decisions like that now. I planned to spend the next few months swimming to get stronger and trying to avoid anything that aggravated my hands. I wanted to see how well they could be if I wasn’t always putting stress on the joints by riding or banging them about when I looked after Jinx.
I wanted to find out whether, if I did everything right, one day I might be able to hold my boyfriend’s hand.
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