I got a voicemail. ‘Hi, ZG. See you in the morning,’ said a man’s voice.
Wow! How did he know I was going to call? Not even I knew that. And, anyway, I need you now, I thought as I got back into bed. I lay down, trying to make myself relax, but as on the first night I had spent in my room alone I got a strong compulsion to check everywhere to make sure that there was nothing and nobody in the room. And you have to do it ten times, said a voice in my head. I got up and looked behind the curtains ten times, under the bed ten times and in the wardrobe ten times.
I got back into bed and turned off the lights. My heart was still beating loud in my chest and there was a knot of tension in the pit of my stomach. No way was I going to be able to sleep feeling like this.
Call Nessa – she’ll understand, I thought, and I got out of bed and dialled Nessa’s number. That was also on voicemail. ‘Hi, ZG, think ’appy thoughts,’ she said.
I got back into bed. Think ’appy thoughts, think ’appy thoughts.
I made myself think of all my favourite things. Peach melba with raspberry sauce. Vanilla ice cream with hot chocolate sauce. Swimming in the sea in Italy on holiday. Having a laugh with Lilith when we swopped identities and got away with it. Mary trying to tell a joke and forgetting the punch line. Yes, it seemed to be working. Yes, thinking ’appy thoughts. I can do this. And then I heard a noise at the window and froze. Was there somebody there? Should I look? Yes. Noooooo. What if there was someone there and it was a face looking back at me? ’Appy thoughts, ’appy thoughts. I pulled the covers over my head. I hate this, I thought, but I have to get over it. I have to. Count sheep, one two three. Oh god, the sheep are turning into little monsters. Even their wool is turning dark and horns are growing out of their heads and they’re coming at me. Go away. Nice sheep come back. Little lambs. Think little cute fluffy lambs. Oh! What was that? Another noise. Someone’s out there. A floorboard creaking. Has someone come into my room? I daren’t look. And then I almost leaped out of my skin as my zodiac phone rang. I switched on the light and went to the phone.
‘’Ello, doll,’ said Nessa’s voice. ‘Sorry I couldn’t get to the phone earlier. Can’t sleep?’
‘No. It’s awful. I’m so tired as well, but I feel like someone put a belt around my waist and pulled it tight … ’
‘Alwight,’ said Nessa. ‘Now ’ave you tried thinking ’appy thoughts?’
‘Yep. Tried that. But I kept thinking about faces at the window and people creeping up on me –’
‘No, no, that won’t do. No, get into bed. Lie back and do as I say,’ said Nessa.
I did as I was told. Just hearing her voice made me feel better. ‘OK, now I want you to take a deep breath, right into your stomach, right? You doin’ that? Like yer tummy’s a beach ball and it’s blowin’ up big as you breathe in, yeah, and deflatin’ as you breathe out. And say to yerself, my breathing is calm and regular.’
‘Yes,’ I replied as I inhaled and exhaled. ‘My breathing is calm and regular.’
‘Now, focus on yer toes, OK? I want you to tighten your toes, yeah? Tighten, tighten. Now let them go. Good. Now focus on yer feet. Tighten them up. Yeah? Now let them go and think, my feet are ’eavy.’
I tightened and I relaxed as slowly Nessa went up the whole body, calf muscles, knees, thighs, stomach, chest, hands, arms, neck and I felt each limb relax and grow heavy as she directed.
‘Now tighten up the muscles on your faces, tighten your jaw, yeah? Now let your jaw drop as you relax it.’
I didn’t hear her after that as I was fast asleep and, once again, phone-a-planet had got me off to sleep. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Chapter Eleven
Motorbike Messenger Boy
‘What the devil!’ said Dad, and he ran to the front window on the Friday morning of the half term.
Lilith put down her breakfast toast and dashed to join him. I wasn’t so fast. Couldn’t be bothered, in fact. I was too tired to dash anywhere as I’d hardly slept all week. It hadn’t got any easier after Nessa’s call because, before I knew it, another night had come around. And another. And another, and each time the same old fears came up, no matter how many times I told myself to relax. A couple of nights I’d been awake into the early hours while I did battle with my imagination and fear of the dark before finally falling asleep due to exhaustion.
‘Come on, Eve,’ said Lilith. ‘You have to see this.’
I dragged myself to my feet and joined her and Dad at the window. There was the strangest sight. A motorbike had stopped in front of our house and on the pillion, dressed head to foot in black leather with her arms wrapped around the man in front, was Nonna. She saw us gawping at her and gave us a cheery wave.
Dad tutted. ‘Whatever will that mad woman get up to next!’ he said.
‘Way to go, Nonna,’ said Lilith as the man on the front of the bike took off his helmet to reveal that he was a handsome boy, about eighteen years old maybe, with shoulder-length glossy brown hair, which he shook loose. ‘She’s got herself a toy boy!’
Nonna got off the bike and headed up the path while Dad went to let her in, huffing and puffing with disapproval as he did so.
‘Do you really think that you should be cavorting around like a teenager at your time of life?’ asked Dad.
Nonna laughed. ‘I think that’s exactly what I should be doing,’ she replied, then looked at us. ‘Now, you girls, I have my instructions. PJ said that as your mum and dad will be at work later today I have to get you out of the builders’ way. It can’t be much fun listening to their racket. So, Lilith dear, you and I are to go shopping.’
Lilith looked well pleased as shopping with Nonna was always great fun because she loved to spoil us and buy us presents.
‘Can I come?’ I asked, although I knew that I already had a prior appointment. The one that I had been dreading for weeks with the counsellor to talk about my nail biting.
‘We wouldn’t forget you, my angel,’ said Nonna. ‘No. You’re to go with Hermie outside.’
Ah. Hermie – that’s the name for Mercury, the winged messenger, I thought, as I glanced out at him again. He saw me looking and waved.
‘What? On the bike?’ Dad, Lilith and I chorused, but Dad said it with surprise, Lilith said it with envy and I said it with anticipation. I’ve always wanted to go on a bike.
‘Absolutely, Matteo,’ said Nonna. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve checked him out. No way I’d let a granddaughter of mine go off with a complete stranger. I know Hermie’s grandfather, Dr Cronus. We play bridge together in Osbury. He’s a headmaster, you know.’
‘Well, only if Eve wants to go on the bike,’ said Dad. ‘And where’s he going to take her? I don’t like this at all.’
I peeked out again at Hermie. He looked friendly and, as Lilith had said, he was a total boy babe. Maybe we could have a picture taken together and I could show it around school. Everyone would be so envious.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Matteo, I’m your mother. Have a little more trust. Hermie is here to take Eve to see her counsellor today. No doubt you’d forgotten.’
Dad looked embarrassed for a moment. ‘Marissa asked me to organize a ride for her as you and she are at work,’ said Nonna.
‘Yes, but we didn’t expect a motorbike,’ said Mum coming in behind us with a cafetière of coffee. ‘I thought you might give her a ride in your car.’
‘And good morning to you too, Marissa,’ said Nonna. ‘Honestly, the thanks I get from this family. I don’t know why I bother.’
I put my arms around her waist. ‘I’d love to go on the bike,’ I said.
‘So would I,’ I heard Lilith mutter behind me. She looked really jealous.
Fifteen minutes later, I was wearing a helmet and on the back of the bike, roaring along the streets. It was a lovely clear autumn day, not a cloud in the sky, and I felt my spirits rise as people on the pavements stopped and stared at us whizzing by. We rode out through the village at Osbury, past the shops, past Pentangles beauty salon a
nd along a country lane.
‘Not much further,’ Hermie called back. ‘You OK back there?’
‘Yep,’ I called back.
We passed a church, went up a hill past a public garden that advertised it had a sacred well and was a sacred site and just after that Hermie stopped his bike. I climbed off and looked around.
‘Wow, pretty,’ I said. To my right, over a small stone wall, there was a panoramic view of fields stretching as far as the eye could see. To our left, there was a soft hill with a tor up at the top.
Hermie pointed to the hill. ‘Up there,’ he said.
‘There must be some mistake,’ I said. ‘I have an appointment to meet my counsellor. Ring Nonna or Mum. I think you’ve got the wrong place.’
‘Nope, this is it,’ said Hermie, and he set off up the hill. ‘She said to meet her at the top. She often likes to work out in the open.’
I followed him up the graduated steps that became steeper and steeper the higher we got. I had to stop every now and then to catch my breath as it was further up than it had looked from down below. The view got better the higher we climbed. It was like being on top of the world in the very centre, and we could see for miles and miles in every direction. Hermie didn’t seem bothered by the ascent at all. He strode on up as if we were walking on the level.
As we got closer to the top, I could see the tor more clearly. It was a tall structure with open arches at the front and back. Just outside, I could make out a figure. A lady with long white hair to her waist who was dressed in an ankle-length pale aquamarine dress. She looked like a lady from the times of King Arthur and Camelot.
Hermie beckoned me on then waved to the woman who waved back. She was beautiful, like a fairy queen, with clear, white skin and green-blue eyes that matched her dress. Around her throat, she wore a pendant of a crescent moon.
‘Zodiac Girl,’ she said when we got up to her.
‘Uff, uff, yes,’ I said as I struggled to catch my breath.
‘I’m Selene Luna,’ she said. ‘Your mum booked an appointment with me.’
I stared up at her in awe. ‘Yes, but … are you really the counsellor?’
She nodded and indicated a grassy knoll on which to sit. I sat down and she joined me.
‘It is lovely up here, isn’t it?’ she asked.
I nodded.
‘I like to work out in the open when I can,’ she continued as Hermie flung himself down on his back, put his hands behind his head and stared up at the sky. ‘I mean, why be indoors where it’s stuffy when you can be out in the fresh air?’
‘Um, yeah.’ Inside I was wondering what on earth we were going to do. I knew a few girls who had gone for counselling and, by all reports, it had been nothing like this.
‘So. I’m told that you have a fear of the dark?’ she asked.
I nodded although it seemed ridiculous. My fears of last night seemed a million miles away from the light, open place we were in and the two beautiful people who were next to me.
‘And that no one in your family knows?’ asked Hermie.
Blimey, I thought, that Nessa hasn’t half got a big mouth. Is there anyone who doesn’t know my secrets?
‘Fear not,’ said Selene as if picking up on my thoughts. ‘Only the ten planets know about your fears. We have to or else we could not help and that is our role for you on this, your special month.’
‘Yeah. Um. About that planet people thing? Correct me if I’m wrong: you’re all part of a family that likes to pick names which mean planets.’
Hermie and Selene exchanged glances as if they found what I’d said funny. Then Selene nodded.
‘You could put it like that. Our names are derived from the planets, but each Zodiac Girl interprets our presence in different ways,’ she said.
‘We’ll leave it to you to decide who or what we are,’ said Hermie. ‘It doesn’t really matter. What matters is what you make of this month and, if you think about it, whether you can explain who you really are beyond your name and your physical description.’
When he put it like that, I realized that I couldn’t and that I, Eve Palumbo, was as big a mystery to myself as they were. ‘Guess not,’ I replied.
‘So, are you ready for the session to begin?’ asked Selene.
‘I suppose,’ I said. ‘What should I do? Do I need to talk?’
‘You can do whatever you like. Normally I run these sessions on my own as some people like to keep their counselling sessions private – but for you it’s different. The moon and Mercury are conjunct in your chart at the moment. Mercury governs communications, among other things, and the moon governs emotions and … oh, I’ll make it easy. Today is a good day for communicating your feelings if you’d like to. So, first question, do you mind Hermie staying and chipping in now and again? He really is a whizz at all things to do with communication and might be of some help.’
Hermie flashed me an irresistible smile.
‘No. He can stay,’ I said, then smiled back at him.
‘Good,’ said Selene. ‘How are you feeling, Eve?’
‘Fine,’ I said. I did feel fine, but then I began to feel nervous because I could see that Selene was looking at my nails or rather lack of them.
‘But you don’t always?’ she asked.
‘Guess not.’
‘Fine is F. I. N. E,’ said Hermie. ‘F for freaked out, I for insecure, N for neurotic and E for exhausted. Sometimes people just blurt out, ‘Oh, fine,’ but if you dig a bit deeper then you discover that they’re freaked out, insecure, neurotic and exhausted.’
‘Hey, I’m not that bad,’ I said. ‘I mean I’m OK when I say fine.’
‘OK, fine,’ said Hermie, and I wasn’t sure if he was taking the mickey or not.
‘How do you feel when you, say, bite your nails?’ asked Selene.
‘I get nervous sometimes,’ I replied.
‘Tell me about how that feels,’ said Selene. ‘Try to remember the last time you felt like that. You can close your eyes if that helps.’
I closed my eyes and made myself remember how I’d felt last night before I’d spoken to Nessa and finally fallen asleep. ‘OK. Sometimes it’s as if there’s something inside of me, something horrible, like a poisonous snake all tight and curled up in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel my worst. I feel as if every part of me is as tense as it possibly could be and I’ve got locked like that and don’t have the key to undo it. And being this way makes me imagine things, makes me scared.’
Selene nodded as I opened my eyes. ‘Fear. It can paralyse you.’
‘But sometimes fear can be good, like if you’re in a situation and your senses tell you that you’re not safe – like walking down a road and you get a feeling that something or somebody’s not right. Sometimes your fear can be your friend as it can warn you about something.’
‘But more often than not,’ said Selene, ‘what we fear is in our imaginations and can build and build and ruin our lives.’
‘Fear is F. E. A. R.,’ said Hermie. ‘F for false, E for expectations, A for appearing, R for real. False expectations appearing real. As Selene said, we get scared of something we’ve imagined; it’s not even real. It can’t be dismissed because it can make you feel awful. The feeling of fear is all too real.’
‘That’s the fear we’re going to talk about today,’ said Selene, ‘because at those times, the best thing that you can do is reach out and tell someone. Tell your mum or your sister or your friend.’
‘No! I can’t do that. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t,’ I insisted.
‘Why not?’ asked Hermie.
‘Mum and Dad would think I was pathetic. They don’t do feelings; they only do reason and logic. I’d have to explain why I feel like that sometimes and I couldn’t begin to. Adam and Lilith would think I was a sissy and the same with Mary. I wouldn’t be invited for spook nights or to watch horror films. I’d find myself with no friends and left out of all the fun times.’ I felt myself near to tears when I admitted this and Sel
ene reached over and put her hand over mine.
‘Those times aren’t any fun for you, are they?’ she asked.
‘You have to give them a chance,’ said Hermie. ‘People are more willing to listen than you realize. You’re imagining their response as well as everything else.’
‘You don’t know them,’ I said, and I knew that I sounded sulky.
Suddenly Selene stood up and stretched. ‘But first we have to let it all out,’ she said. ‘And that’s what we’re going to do and that’s why I brought you up here where no one can hear you.’
Panic gripped my insides. Ohmigod, I thought. Nonna was wrong. These two have brought me up here to a place where no one can hear me. I felt the familiar feeling of fear begin to overtake me as my imagination ran riot and I imagined being left here or abducted. It must have shown on my face because Selene beckoned me to stand up with her.
‘That’s it,’ she said. ‘That’s the feeling, isn’t it? The one that you’re feeling now that is eating you up, taking over your mind.’
I felt confused. What was happening? ‘Yes. I feel scared. I … I suddenly don’t know if I can trust you,’ I whispered.
Hermie offered his phone. ‘Call your mum or Nonna, if you like.’
‘No. I’m sure it’s OK. I … I don’t know why it is … ’ I started.
‘So say it,’ said Selene.
‘I feel scared,’ I said in a small voice.
‘Louder. Come on, stand up and say it,’ said Selene as I stood to join her.
‘I feel SCARED,’ I shouted.
‘LOUDER,’ urged Hermie, who had also stood up with us. ‘It’s OK. Let it out. You’re safe here. The only scary thing here is that feeling inside of you. Throw it away.’
‘Yell as loud as you like,’ said Selene, and she threw her head back and shouted to the sky. ‘I FEEL SCARED.’
Double Trouble (Zodiac Girls) Page 8
