“I warned you. You need to put this on me, and leave me the hell alone,” and he felt the slave band land on him. He made himself sit up, and slowly got to his feet, the band sliding into the grass. It didn’t matter. He was done with it. It wasn’t working anyway.
“I can’t. Just bloody talk to me, Brody. Spit it out, whatever it is you think I did to you…”
Brody turned and slowly walked back to the tree and picked up the stun gun, and without a word walked right up to him and put the gun against his chest. He felt the buzzing, the warmness of it.
“You need to leave me be, Riley. Don’t make me do this, because you’re too stupid or too stubborn to not be where you’re not wanted,” Brody said in a strained voice and pressed the gun harder into his chest, his hand shaking slightly.
“I can’t, Brody. I can’t just leave you be,” he whispered, looking into his friend’s eyes, still spilling water.
Brody shook his head at him, and suddenly he felt his hand move and saw the gun move towards Brody’s head. He hit him hard, without thinking, knocking him to the ground, the gun flying out of his hand. He ran over and picked up the still buzzing weapon, turned it off and stuck it in his belt before turning around. Brody was lying on his back with his arm over his eyes. He crouched next to him, trying to catch his breath, not saying anything. Didn’t know what he could say to him after that.
He waited, watching him, waited for a long time, and finally Brody sat up, no longer crying, and looked at him calmly.
“Do what you need to do. I won’t fight you anymore. Won’t fight any of you,” he said quietly and stood up and put his hands out for the band, not looking at him anymore. He had to, he knew. Didn’t have a choice, not after what Brody just tried to do, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He picked up the band, walked over to the closest tree and smashed it against it over and over again, until the little light stopped pulsing, and then flung it into the woods, as far as he could, Brody watching him, hands still in front of him.
“What do you want from me, Riley? This game you are playing, I don’t get it. You won’t let me be, and you won’t let me leave. You promised to help me get Trina back, I get that. Well, she is back all right. What the hell else do you want from me?” he screamed at him.
“I want to help you with whatever it is you have planned. So does Drake. And your boys. I want you to let us. I’d rather not make you. So I’m asking you instead. As your friend, not your jailer,” he said softly.
Brody shook his head, “I can’t, Riley. I can’t take you or Drake… You have Ella and Ams and Laurel, people you promised to protect, people who love you. I can’t take any of you. I bloody promised you. I won’t do it, Riley. I’ll take my crew and the flier.”
He wanted to laugh. For the first time in far too long he wanted to laugh, so he did, letting all the tension go, Brody staring at him, anger mixed with surprise in his eyes, but he couldn’t help it. This idiot friend of his was just trying to keep a bloody promise. He sat down in the grass, holding his head in his hands, trying to calm down, to wipe the last traces of laughter from his face.
“I am glad I was able to amuse you, Riley,” Brody whispered, standing over him, hands behind his back, face serious.
He felt every shade of wrong for laughing then. He stood, facing him, “I’m sorry. It’s just… It was the last thing I thought you’d say after what I just watched you do with that gun. That you were worried about keeping your bloody promise. I’m sorry for laughing, Brody, I truly am,” and he was sorry, the way Brody looked, hurt and fragile.
“Am I free to go?”
A prisoner still, even without the band, someone who’s simply given up, and he had an awful feeling that he did this to him somehow. He took the few steps to him and put his hands on his shoulders, Brody not moving at all, just looking at him.
“Please don’t do this, Brody. Don’t shut me out. I can’t take that. I’m sorry for laughing, and for keeping you here like this. Sorry for everything that I did to make you angry at me, but I swear I didn’t ever mean to hurt you, only I see that I did anyway. I was just trying to keep you alive… But you’re wrong, about not having anybody. You do. You have all of us, and we bloody love you. Me, and Ella, and Drake, and Laurel and even Ams. And your boys… They’d rather die than do what you ordered them to. I know it’s hard to get it through that thick skull of yours, but what happens to any of us is not your fault… I know what you’re trying to do, but you can’t. You can’t protect us from you. It’s unfair to everybody.”
He let go of him then, Brody’s light eyes full of tears again, muscles in tight knots in his jaw. He grabbed his head and pulled him into his chest, and he let him hold him like that for a long time, breathing calmer now, and then let him put his arm around him and walk him back to the flier.
The fire was going but he didn’t see anybody in the clearing. They stopped at the log Brody always sat on, waiting for the rest of the group to show up.
“Riley… What I tried to do with that stupid gun was me keeping my promise. I don’t think any of us are coming back whole from Crylo. You need to know that. I never expected to come back from there, and I was okay with it. And Trelix and Loren… I am not ordering them to do this with me; I could never order anyone to do that. They’ve asked to come, but they’re soldiers, so it’s different for them. If you still want to come, I won’t try to stop you. But we need to tell the others the truth. They deserve to know.”
He suspected as much already from his many conversations with Loren and Trelix, so this wasn’t really a surprise, but he wasn’t so sure the girls needed to know that. Didn’t think they would be okay with letting them go if they knew. Brody seemed to have read his thoughts.
“If I am to let you and Drake come with us, this is non-negotiable. We have to tell them,” and he left him sitting on the log and ran to the flier.
He heard the many footsteps on the steps, and steeled himself for what he was sure would be the worst night they’ve had here. Drake put a huge pot of whatever he made for tonight on the fire, stirring it with a giant stick, making the smells come out. It smelled of something sweet he couldn’t place. He watched Ella serve the stuff and pass the bowls around, and when everyone was settled, Brody got up and he didn’t think he’d be able to stomach whatever was in his bowl.
“I need to tell you all something. I’ll try to keep this short and to the point, but first, I am sorry I put all of you through so much already. You didn’t ask for it, and I know my being here has been difficult for all of you. I’m sorry for that. Anyway… Ella filled me in on some things that most of you likely aren’t aware of. It seems Zoriner Councils trade their young girls who meet certain health specs to private repro-genetics clinics within the Alliance centers. They trade them to be hosts to Alliance babies, so those babies aren’t broken and can make other babies. That’s the short version. Ella can fill you in on the rest of it. What they did to Trina, they’re doing it to other girls. I want to help stop it somehow, even if only in one of those places. Drake and Riley volunteered to come with me and my crew, but you need to know that I don’t think any of us will come back whole from it. The place is too big and too well guarded for that. I think you all deserve to know the truth, and you can figure out what to do with it. I’m not holding Drake or Riley to any promises. I am okay doing it with just my crew. Frankly, I’d prefer it,” and he walked away from the fire, leaving them be.
Laurel crouched in front of him after a while, looking at his face, “Is it true? What he just said, do you think he is right about that?” He did, so he nodded. Couldn’t lie to her.
“Thank you,” and she left to go wherever Brody must have gone to. He hoped he’d be kinder to this girl now, not push her away like he’s been. Nobody else was talking. Ella and Drake sat there calmly eating their food, as if none of this concerned them at all, and he couldn’t see Ams anywhere. She must have gone to the flier when he wasn’t looking.
He found her curled up in one
of the seats, blanket pulled up to her chin though it wasn’t the least bit cold.
“Talk to me, Ams,” he asked softly, crouching in front of her.
She leaned in and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him in close, running her hands through his hair. He could feel her breathing.
“I am coming with you, Riley.”
He stood up, staring at her.
“You can’t, Ams. I won’t let you. I can’t take you with us for that, I just can’t.” He was shaking his head at her. He didn’t know how to explain it to her that he was only okay with going because he’d know she’d be safe, that all of them would be safe.
“Riley, I am not asking. You don’t own me. You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do. How did it work out for you and Brody, keeping him a prisoner here like you did?”
He flinched as if she slapped him and put his head down.
“I won’t let you do that to me. I’m going with you, Riley, if I have to hide someplace on this flier or hitch a ride on the outside, I’ll find a way to do it, and I’ll likely be safer if you just let me.”
She got up and without even looking at him ran back to the clearing, and he wished he never ran out to Brody when he did, wished he could get a replay on the last few weeks. He’d take a different route to whatever city they were going to then, and he wouldn’t have to worry so much about keeping everybody safe. Curse you, Brody, and your bloody revenge, only he knew it wasn’t just revenge for him, knew he was right to want to end what they were doing to these girls. He just wished he didn’t find himself in the middle of all of this when he had Ella and Ams and Laurel to worry about.
He watched the small group at the fire, chatting, as if nothing has changed, as if nobody was about to go into a heavily guarded Alliance metro, and he envied them the ability to not worry about things they couldn’t change.
He found Drake and took him aside.
“You need to talk some sense into Ams. She wants to come, and she won’t bloody listen to me. She doesn’t ever bloody listen to me. Please, talk to her.”
Drake smiled at him widely.
“I did, Riley. I talked to her and to Ella, and they’re coming with us. All of them, I think. I haven’t seen Laurel yet, she took off after Brody, but the other two already decided they’re coming. Nothing we can do to stop them. But I think we can help them stay safe if we take a few days to teach them to shoot and use a knife or something, so they can at least defend themselves a little bit.”
And he had the gall to smile at him while he said it. He hit him, couldn’t stop hitting him, throwing useless punches into the giant’s chest.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you let Ella go with you, to Crylo of all places? Are you bloody trying to get her killed? I won’t let you, Drake. You can’t take her with us, you just can’t!” He dropped his hands. There was no point, he knew that.
Drake grabbed his face and leaned in close, “I love Ella with all my heart, more than I ever loved anybody, more than I ever thought I could love anybody, but I love her for who she is. You need to learn to do that, and fast, by the looks of it. It’ll kill me if I can’t keep her safe, it’ll completely destroy me, but I won’t ever presume to ask her not to make her own choices. Don’t ever ask me to do that to someone I love,” and he let his face go and walked back to the fire.
And after all the anger left him he finally knew why Brody was so hurt, and why everybody he tried to protect was pushing him away. He was trying to protect himself this whole time, and he felt every shade of stupid for not realizing this before, when Ams still talked to him in the way she used to, not her new, angry way, and when Brody still trusted him enough to take him at his word. Trusted him enough to never put a slave band on his wrists.
FRAGILE
Amelia
[May 20, 2236, Woods Outside Waller]
He looked fragile when he woke her up, shaking her softly, telling her they had to talk. He wouldn’t look at her for the longest time, just kept putting sticks into the fire, trying to get it going enough. She hoped nothing new happened with him and Brody, though she hadn’t seen Brody at all after whatever happened between him and Laurel. She saw Laurel crying half the night last night, but she wouldn’t talk to her, wouldn’t talk to anybody, but Laurel, too, was gone now. Something else then. She waited, and finally grabbed his hand and made him stop throwing sticks in and sit down next to her.
“You woke me up to talk, Riley, so talk,” she said softly, she hoped.
“I know, Ams. I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to say it yet.” His head was down, not looking at her, making her feel on edge.
“I’m going back to sleep, if you can’t just spit it out,” and she got up, looking at him. He didn’t move. And she was suddenly really worried something terrible happened, somebody died kind of terrible, Trina terrible. She crouched in front of him and put her hands on his face. It felt too warm against her hands, and she could feel wetness on it.
“Riley… Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise I won’t get angry at you.”
And he did then, in one long stream. Told her everything he did that he never felt the wrongness in until after talking to Drake the night before, and then thinking about all of it since, about what he did to her and to Brody, and even Laurel. How he was trying so hard to protect everybody, to keep them safe, that he didn’t once think about what it was doing to them, and that in the end he was just trying to make sure he never lost anybody again, and that it made him feel like a selfish asshole, and he wouldn’t blame any of them for not wanting to trust him ever again. How he was pretty sure Brody never would trust him after what he did to him, wouldn’t ever forgive him for it. And how he knew now that he has been unfair to her this whole time, in the way he was with her….
He looked at her finally, eyes serious and sad, and took her hands away from his face, gently, “I won’t try to stop you from coming to Crylo with us, Ams, or anything else you want to do ever again, I swear. And I’ll keep you safe if I can, if you let me… If you still want me to. But I don’t think you should be with me anymore,” and he stood up, keeping his head down, hands behind his back, not looking at her.
She took the small step to him and wrapped her hands around his neck, trying to get him to look at her, but he wouldn’t move, and she could see tears making wet tracks down his face. She never saw him like this before and it scared her. She put her hands in his hair, running her fingers through the waves, softly, not saying anything to him, letting him cry. He was breathing hard, and she was pretty sure she was hurting him, not comforting him, but he still didn’t move. He could have run or walked away if he needed to. She almost wished he had, so she could have some time to try to figure this out, but by now she knew he wouldn’t. She could lie to him and tell him that he didn’t do anything to make her angry; that she was okay with him telling her what she could and couldn’t do, as if he did own her, but that would be unfair to him too. She couldn’t ever lie to him, they made that promise a long time ago. No more secrets.
“I really need you to look at me, Riley. I know why you don’t want to already, so you’re not hiding anything, but you owe me that much if you’re going to try to break up with me.”
He looked at her, not even bothering to dry his eyes, and she couldn’t take it for another moment, the hurt on his face. She reached up on her toes and kissed him, softly, looking into his eyes with all the tears in them. She felt him flinch, but he still didn’t move away, and his hands were still firmly behind his back, and she knew what he was doing then. That he would let her do whatever she thought she needed to do to let him go, to be okay with letting him go. She could hit him or kiss him and any of it would hurt him now, and he would let her, for as long as she needed to. Riley, punishing himself for not being as bloody good as he wanted to be. Punishing himself for what he did to Brody. And she was finally angry at him, angry enough to want to hit him. He must have read it in her face. His head went down a little and he
took a small step back.
“Go ahead, Ams.” His voice quiet, strained.
But she couldn’t hit him. That would make it too easy for him, and she didn’t want this to be easy.
“I am not going to hit you. But I will tell you what I think, and you are going to let me, and you’re going to look at me.”
He was looking at her.
“I think you’re still being a selfish asshole. You’re pushing me away to protect yourself, you just don’t see it. You’re doing what I tried to do to you when I thought there was something wrong with me for kicking Keller like that. That’s what you’re doing, only you think you’re being noble and decent, but you are not. There is nothing noble in this. You don’t get to walk away from people who care about you because you feel like shit for something you did to them. Not unless you are a bloody coward, and I never pinned you for one before.”
She watched his face, flushed now as if she did hit him, but the tears were gone.
“Are you done, Ams?” he asked very quietly, and she could feel the rage in his voice, knew him well enough to feel that by now.
The Cross (Alliance Book 2) Page 14
