I was curious about Sophie’s kids. I had tried to put it out of my mind because I felt I was failing at something else, but it was a good time to ask. It took me a few moments to gather the words I wanted to say.
Nothing sounded right, so I just blurted it out. “Sophie… She had two children.” Her face dropped, which caused me to furrow my brows. “Before she passed, I promised her I would find them and care for them. And with Elaina being pregnant, I feel guilty that I haven’t put forth any effort with hers yet.” Any and all happiness drained from her eyes. Then she put her face in her skeletal hands. “Mum? Kellan said they were with you back in a safe house.”
“I’m sorry.” She got up and left the cafeteria in haste.
“Mum? Mum, wait.” I called after her and caught her in the hallway.
“Son, I can’t do this right now.” She tried to pull away from my grip. “This is not something we need to discuss in your time of happiness. Besides, it’s not like you can just hop on a plane and go over there.”
I grabbed her by the shoulders. She was so much smaller than me that I towered over her. “I owe it to Sophie. I promised her. I can’t break my promise. I’m a man of my word.” I searched her face.
She sighed. “I know. I know.” We noticed several others watching the interaction as they were filing into the cafeteria. “Let’s go talk in private.” I had a sick feeling this conversation wasn’t going to be good. Letting go of her arm, I followed her down to her room. “Have a seat.”
“I’m fine.” I crossed my arms, glaring at her.
“Henry, don’t you dare shift into program mode on me,” she scolded. “I can’t handle you like that.”
Angry that she spoke to me in that tone, I yelled, “I’m not a fucking child!”
“I am your mother. Do not be disrespectful and yell at me. I don’t care how old you are!” she snapped back. “I put up with enough abuse through my life, and you yelling at me will not get you the answers you desire.”
“I’m sorry. Just tell me,” I growled.
My patience had left as I watched my mum lean against the desk with no urgency to her motions or thoughts. She rubbed her hands together in front of her mouth a few times. I paced while I waited for her to tell me whatever it was that she was going to tell me.
“Sophie didn’t have any children,” she murmured into her hands. Then she crossed her arms in front of her chest, ready to deflect the anger she knew was going to come at her like a tornado.
Indignantly, I shouted, “What?! Yes, she did! She showed me a picture of a little lad and lass. Anna and Samuel were their names.”
Taking one frightened step toward me, she shook her head. “Son, listen to me… That was part of her speech to try and get you back into the program.”
It took a moment before I could respond. “No…” My fists clenched at my sides, not wanting to believe Sophie would betray me in that way. “She said Roger and Kellan raped her repeatedly. They were the fathers. Kellan confirmed it himself before I let him turn.”
“Yes, they did abuse her in that way, but she never became pregnant. That picture was swiped from one of the lab tech’s offices… Erik’s kids.”
I growled, “How do you even know?”
“I overheard many conversations. Roger would lock me in a closet in his office if someone besides Drew or Kellan showed. One of the conversations I overheard was him instructing Sophie of the different methods she could use to get you back. Everything from seduction, to making you feel she was in danger, to having children. He knew how protective you were of her.”
“This doesn’t make sense. Why would she continue with the story if she had no intention of going back? Her original orders were to drag me back, but she realized I wasn’t leaving Elaina no matter what.” I paced and pulled at my hair.
“I don’t know, son. Maybe it was something she needed in her life. Something she wanted to believe in.”
So fucking hurt, I yelled, “It doesn’t make sense! Why would she lie to me?!”
“I don’t know. I wish I had all the answers for you.”
“A piece of me died when she died.” My voice shook, feeling tears on the horizon. “For most of my youth, I thought I was in love with her. I was beaten several times for protecting her. She was the first girl I ever had sex with. We were as together as we could be in that environment. She was forced to watch me being forced to do awful things when we had been caught.” I shuddered and wanted to vomit, reliving some of my past. “Then I was assigned to the States. She would call me all upset, saying she wished she could have come with me or wished that I would come back. After being out of touch with her for a while, I fell madly for Elaina. Then I was horrible to Sophie, calling her for advice when I fucked things up with Elaina.” I shook my head in anger, realizing what I did to Sophie. “It just doesn’t make sense.”
“I know and I’m sorry you were misled. Maybe she still had hopes of getting you back. Getting you to go back to the program and to have your protection again. They were terrible to her without you there.”
“I don’t know what to believe, Mum.”
She stepped toward me and took my hands. “Listen, she was just as abused as you were. Maybe it was just something she wanted so badly, she would’ve done anything to get you back. Maybe she thought if she could convince you she had kids and they needed protection, you would run back to the program, back to her. To protect her from the vile creatures that violated her over and over again.” I nodded. “Don’t feel like she betrayed you. She was fed lies just like you were. Fragmented, just like you. Broken, just like you. Forgive her. She loved you.” I didn’t know what to think, but I wrapped my arms around her.
After a long embrace, she stepped back and took my hands. “You’re graying. You need a fix?”
“Yeah, actually, I do,” I muttered.
“Well, all you have to do is ask.”
“No, absolutely not. I’m not taking from you. I’ll find someone else.”
“I’m more than willing to help you. You’re my son. I couldn’t help you as a lad, but I can now.”
“No. You’ve been through enough. I will be fine.” I was adamant.
“All right. If you get desperate, I will be here for you. But don’t let yourself go too long. I can’t lose you again.”
I kissed her cheek and left her room. I needed to get out of there, grab a quick fix from someone, and burn off some steam. I wasn’t exactly sure how, though.
Minutes later, I ran into Chris and Jake. Jake gave me a few vials, then the two of them spotted me while I lifted. Afterwards, I spent some time teaching both of them a few kickboxing moves.
Chapter 54
As the weeks carried on, life was continuing on for all of us…except Gunther. He was stuck. Between not leaving his room, eating properly, or working out, he was wasting away. I needed to intervene before we had to dig another grave. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was tired of burying my family members.
When I saw a shirtless Gunther in the hallway, I had an impromptu meeting with Elaina, Cora, and Josie. His slim physique startled me. They all voiced their worries for him, and we came to the decision that it would be best for him to move in with Cora until he could get himself back on track.
The only issue was convincing him. That was my job. He was a tough one, but I was up for the challenge.
Grey was wailing as I knocked on his door. When he finally answered, judging by the dark circles under his eyes, he was exhausted.
“What’s going on?” he asked as Grey squirmed and fussed in his arms.
“Is he all right?”
“He’s getting hungry. Let me go take him to Cora’s.” I watched Gunther shuffle down to her room, hand over Grey, then shuffle back. “What do you need?” His voice was flat, and the unapproachable look in his eyes was bothersome to me. It was almost as if there was nothing there, and he wasn’t about to volunteer anything, either.
“We need to have a proper chat.” Gun
ther glared at me. I knew it wasn’t going to be great fun, but I was ready for his deflections and temper. “Come on.” I opened the door to his room and stepped in, but Gunther waited outside the door as if he wasn’t allowed to enter. “Come on, mate,” I encouraged.
“I’m not in a chatty fucking mood.”
I raised a brow at him. “I understand that, but we need to set a few things straight.”
Gunther sighed and stepped into the room. I shut and locked the door. “Holding me hostage?” he asked.
“Might be. Have a seat.” I waved him to a chair. Carrying his fatigue-ridden, big body, he plopped down in the hard wooden chair. I paced for a moment, then turned to face him. “How long are you going to do this to yourself?”
“Do what?”
“Blame yourself for Quinn’s death.”
With speed, Gunther leapt to his feet and got in my face, pushing his chest into mine. His lip curled up when he growled, “Get the fuck out.”
He may have had a little on me height-wise, but we were close to equal weight at that point so he wasn’t fazing me a bit.
“No. I’m not leaving here until you hear me out.”
“Don’t you fucking dare tell me how to deal with this!” Gunther drove his finger in my face. “You have no idea what I’m going through!” His chest pumped with fury.
“You’re right, I don’t. I can’t even imagine dealing with what you are.” I stayed calm and collected, in total control of myself and the situation. “It wasn’t your fault, mate.”
“Fuck you,” Gunther bit out and shoved me.
“Listen to me, would you? Give me a few minutes. Then if you want to kick my ass and throw me out of here, so be it.” Gunther swallowed hard. “Sit…and listen.” I pointed back at the chair. He turned around and trudged back. “Thank you.”
Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he turned to face one of Quinn’s paintings. I grabbed another chair and set it backward in front of him, straddling it with arms crossed over the back.
“Say it.”
Gunther’s head whipped around at me, face full of confusion. “Say what?”
“Say it. Tell me she’s dead.”
“I’m not doing this right now,” Gunther growled.
“Yes, you are. Just say it.”
“No,” he snapped.
“That little lad needs his father.”
“Don’t you dare tell me how to parent my son! I’m here for him every-bloody-day. The only thing I don’t do for him is feed him!”
“You’re an empty shell. He needs more than that. He deserves more than that. When’s the last time you ate anything? Look at yourself. You must have lost a couple stone. Gunther…just fucking say it.” He glared at me with that unmistakable tremble of his chin. “Come on. Let it out. It’s just me and you. I’m not judging your emotions. Feel what you need to feel.”
“She’s gone,” he whispered through shaking breaths.
“Say it again.”
“I can’t,” Gunther choked as the tears trickled down his cheeks.
“Say it again.”
With overwhelming frustration, he pressed his palms to his temples. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“You need to do this. You need to face it. Now out with it.”
Gunther sucked in a breath and exhaled as he looked at his lap. Unexpectedly, the flood gates opened. “I want to fall on the floor, kick and scream like a child. There are many nights I beg whatever God there is to spare me any more emotional pain. I can handle the physical pain, but the anguish I feel in my heart… It’s causing me to bleed to death one drop at a time. I know it has to be karma that’s making me suffer. I feel Quinn was taken away from me as punishment for all the bad deeds I’ve done in my fucking life, but I can’t understand why she would be taken away from Grey. It should’ve been me.” He looked back up at me as he cleared his throat. “She’s gone,” he said a little louder. “And I hate every fucking minute of it.”
“Now, say it’s not your fault.”
Shaking his head, he rasped, “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.” Gunther stood and paced the area in front of the windows. He ran his big hands through his longer hair. “Come on, mate. Say it. You need to stop harboring all of this guilt.”
Gunther turned around and stormed up to me, grabbing me by the neck and pulling me to a standing position.
Elaina stood outside of Cora’s door, waiting for someone to answer her knock. “Hey,” she murmured when Josie opened it.
“Hey.” That was the most they had said to one another in weeks. They still weren’t speaking to one another and she wasn’t sure if they ever would again. There was only ever polite minimal conversation between the two of them, and that was only when it was needed.
Elaina peered around her petite frame and saw Cora feeding Grey on the couch. “Can I come in?”
Josie stepped aside.
Elaina smiled when she saw Cora loving on Grey while he was eating. “He’s beautiful,” Elaina murmured.
“He is, isn’t he?” Cora smiled, but it was such a doleful smile.
“You know, Henry’s talking to him right now?”
She nodded. “Maybe you should be in there to maintain control of the situation. I don’t want anything to get out of hand.”
“No, I have faith Henry can handle this. Besides, Gunther needs his privacy to get out his emotions. I’m not sure if he would feel free to do that in front of me. Frankly, I’m not sure if he would feel free in front of Henry, but Henry knows him best.”
“Do you think he’ll do it?” She unlatched Grey to burp him.
“To be honest Cora, I don’t know. He needs this. We’ve let him deal with it in his own way for too long, and it’s obviously not working for him. I mean, look at him. He’s wasting away and it scares the hell out of me.”
Grey let out a loud burp and they cracked up. She brought him back down to continue to feed, then they heard it… Gunther raging. Cora and Josie’s eyes filled with tears. If there was any racket that sounded like fighting, Elaina was ready to go down there and, somehow, break it up.
“I made this happen! I pulled the fucking trigger!” Gunther screamed in my face, his fingers digging into my throat. “I injected your driver! It was me! I fucking killed everyone! It was my fault and it will always be my fault! I killed her. I killed my unborn. I killed her daughter, her grandson, and her! I took my son’s mum away from him! I have to live with that every single fucking day of my life. I fucking killed her.” He let go of me. Out of breath, he bent over, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. He repeated as he cried, “I killed her. I did this to her. I did this to my son.”
Rubbing my throat, I swallowed a few times before I said, “Listen to me when I say this to you: It’s not your fault. Roger made you do it. You were frightened. Look at what he did to you.” He stood straight up and I jammed my finger into Gunther’s temple. Then his fingers found their way to the puckered, dark scar across his cheek which was partially hidden by a beard. “Admit that you were afraid of what would happen to you if you didn’t follow his orders.”
Gunther swallowed hard several times, then scrubbed his face with both hands. “I was afraid,” he croaked out. “I was a fucking nancy. Afraid of everything.”
“So, let me get this straight,” I said. Gunther dropped his hands to his side, preparing himself. “You were frightened of what would happen if you didn’t follow orders. Then when Quinn died, it wasn’t your fault. Is that what you are saying?”
Gunther cocked his head to the side, nonplussed. “What? You told me to say those words.”
“Did I force you to say them? Or is that what you truly feel deep down inside, but prefer to live in a world of anger, hate, and bitterness? Admit it. When you said those words, you felt it. It felt bloody good to say them, didn’t it?” He glared at me. “Grey needs a father, not a shell. Do you love him?”
“Of course I do! What the fuck kind of demented question i
s that?! That’s my son!”
“Do you want what’s best for him?”
“Of course! I’m not a fucking prat. I know what my son needs!”
“Do you?” I asked.
“Of course I do!”
“Then what does he need?”
“Food, clothing, a roof over his head.” I raised a brow at Gunther, then he said in a whisper, “A mum’s and dad’s love.”
“Thank you. Cora will never replace Quinn as his mother, but she is doing her damnedest to make that little lad feel a mother’s love, yes?”
“I know. I know this. Why are you doing this to me?” he whimpered.
“If you know, then accept that you need help. Look at yourself, mate.”
I grabbed him by the neck and dragged him across the room, shoving him into the tiny loo. On the mirror above the white porcelain sink, a red heart was painted in the bottom left corner, “I Love You” written around it. It made my heart ache, but I pushed him in front of it anyway.
“Now, look at yourself and tell me… Is this who you are?” Gunther stared at himself. “Is this who you want to be? You’re barely surviving. You eat maybe once a day, and it’s only a few bites. You always prided yourself on your looks, your physique… You need to stop torturing yourself.”
Staring at his reflection, it was a solid minute before he responded, “I’m going to have a true death if I continue on this path, won’t I?”
“Yeah, and then what would Grey be left with?”
“No mum or dad,” he choked out. Tears dripped down Gunther’s cheeks as he stared at the reflection of the shell that he was. A trembling finger reached out and traced the heart.
“I want you to move into Cora’s room,” I murmured.
“Why? She want a different room?” he said, still tracing the heart.
“No. She wants you there so she can help you with Grey. She wants you to get back to where you were. She cares about you tremendously and loves your son.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?” I asked as Gunther looked down at the ring on his finger. “You aren’t betraying her or the love in your heart. She would want you to get help, mate. She wouldn’t want you to live like a recluse.”
Fractured Hearts (Shattered Lives, Book Three) Page 52
