Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  “What are you doing over the holidays?”

  “Seeing my family and Izzy. You?” I reach for the cup of good stuff and wait for his answer.

  “I’ll see my sisters at my mum’s on Christmas day. I might catch up with some friends, but not a lot else. It would be nice to see you. And, I want you to reconsider spending some time relaxing tomorrow.”

  “I don’t have a lot of time off over Christmas, plus my brother’s back. I’m not sure there will be much time to do anything special.” The words run out of my mouth on autopilot.

  “You’re just making it harder on yourself, Jess. I didn’t say I wanted to see you the entire holiday period. I meant for a date.”

  “We’ve just had one.”

  “One date, yet you’ve let me fuck you and tie you up. I want to see more of you.” Luc was right. I had slept with him on several occasions but found plenty of reasons why I wouldn’t spend any other time with him. I didn’t want to follow the same rules with Luc. Not anymore.

  “I’m still off the day after boxing day if that works. The afternoon?”

  “Deal.”

  “As you’ve been here all morning, can we forget tomorrow? I really do have a lot of work to get through for next week before Christmas.”

  “I’m sure we can work something out.” His sexy grin and smoky voice do wonders to my mood, and I forget all about protecting my vulnerable heart.

  “Happy Christmas, darling,” Mum gushes, as I walk into the house. The smell of turkey roasting wraps me in comfort and a sense of elusive joy.

  “Happy Christmas, Mum. Is James here?”

  “No, not yet. You’ve plenty of time for a drink before dinner. I believe your father’s in the living room.” After our brief affectionate embrace, she hustles off to the kitchen while I go in search of Dad.

  “Happy Christmas, Dad.”

  “Same to you. Do you want me to fix you a drink while you take your things upstairs?”

  “Sure. I’ll have a white wine please.” I take my overnight bag up to what was once my room and leave it on the bed before heading back down.

  “Are you seeing Izzy this year, darling?” he asks as he hands me my drink.

  “Tomorrow. She’s got her parents visiting for Christmas this year.”

  “We’ve missed seeing her around recently. Can’t blame her, though. She has a busy life with her new husband. Can’t expect her to drop in every Sunday. At least we still have you for company. We can rely on you. Cheers.”

  “Cheers, Dad.” We clink glasses, but his comment leaves me feeling off. I’m not even close to forty, yet Dad seems to expect me to be part of the furniture for the foreseeable future. I can’t blame him as I’ve done nothing but reinforce those assumptions with my behaviour. “I’m going to check on Mum.”

  For the first time in forever, I’m feeling claustrophobic in my own life.

  Today is about celebrating family. At least for me, it always has been. But by keeping them so close and everyone else away, I’ve isolated myself.

  “Do you need a hand, Mum?”

  “No, everything is ready. Or on the way. When is your brother getting here?”

  “I’m not sure Mum. Soon.”

  “Well, could you give him a call…”

  “Hello? Merry Christmas, everyone!” James’ voice echoes in the hall, and Mum nearly runs me over in her attempt to greet him. I follow her slowly out of the kitchen and witness the obscene level of affection she’s showering over my little brother, who, at six-foot-two, is now only little to me by age. His frame rivals that of Luc.

  “Good to see you, Mum. Jess, you lurking around?”

  “Yes, James. I’m here. If Mum would ever let you go, that is.”

  “I’m entitled to hug my son.” She clips back.

  “Hug away. I’m not stopping you.” James grins, playing right into Mums' hands. When she finally releases him, he greets Dad with a more reserved shake of the hand before heading into the front room.

  “Now we’re all here we can do presents.” Mum calls. I dash upstairs to retrieve my gifts and find my usual spot in the front room. We all settle in and then pass the gifts around before waiting to tear open the pretty paper and wrapping. Mum would always save her paper, but I was too impatient.

  “Ready?” Mum looks around to make sure the presents are all distributed. “And go!”

  “Another lovely dinner, Mum. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, James.”

  “Now the main event is out of the way, I have some news.” James’ voice has dipped. The merry and joyful tone that always accompanies his words has slipped into a sterner, more serious voice.

  “Oh?” Mum whips her attention to focus on James. She wouldn’t have missed his sudden change, either.

  “Yes. I um, I’ve had a promotion at work.”

  “That’s fantastic.”

  “The promotion is great, and I’m excited to accept. But it’s based in Australia.”

  Mum’s hand shoots out to clasp mine over the table as she takes in the words of her son. Silence settles over the table.

  “Australia is a fair distance, James. You sure you want to take it?” Dad asks, concern clear in his usually relaxed way.

  “This is a fantastic opportunity for me. Besides, you’d be able to come over and see me. It’s only for the next year to eighteen months, and I’m not home that much now, anyway.”

  “That’s your choice, James. Not ours,” Mum snaps.

  “I’m sorry, but I work really hard, and I don’t always have the time to travel back home.”

  “London is two hours away from Bath. It’s hardly the other side of the world.”

  “You can’t expect me to be like Jess and be here all the time. My life is in London.”

  “And your family is here. We don’t expect you to be like Jess, but a few more visits wouldn’t hurt.”

  I quickly drink down the remainder of my wine and reach for the open bottle on the table. I’ll need it to get through this conversation. It was only a matter of time before I would be dragged into it.

  Dad’s earlier comment pops into my mind and I wonder if I’ve acted in the right way for all of these years, staying close and seeking comfort with family and routine.

  “Jess?”

  “Sorry, what?” I shake my head and try to place the question that Mum had clearly thrown my way.

  “What do you think about all of this? Surely you see what a mistake this is?”

  “It’s really up to James. If he wants to take a job around the world, then it’s up to him.” I look over at him and stare into the same exact blue eyes as mine. He gives a grimace of thanks at my answer, clearly wanting more support from me rather than my passive throw back to him.

  “That’s hardly helpful, Jess.”

  “I’m sorry, Mum, but what did you expect? He’s a big boy, and as he said, he hardly visits. We see him what, a few times a year, if that. Jeez, what would you be like if I said I was moving to Australia?”

  “Well, that’s never going to happen. For one thing, you understand your family is here, so I don’t know why you’d even bring that up. James, really…”

  “No, Mum. Why do you think it would never happen?” I might be indifferent about James’ decision, but I’m not happy that both Mum and Dad seem to be imagining me as some permanent feature in their routine. A couple of months ago this wouldn’t have worried me at all. I would have let it go. But meeting Luc and speaking with Dr. Cross has forced a crack to open in my previously narrow view of what I wanted out of my life. I may be struggling a little and taking tiny baby steps, but I was moving forward. My heart liked the prospect of something that resembled a relationship. I didn’t want to be a lonely spinster.

  “Well, dear, you’ve hardly been the most adventurous. You still live in Bath. Ever since, well, Daniel, you don’t seem to want to settle down. There was that, Greg, earlier this year, but nothing else.”

  “So because I don’t have a boyf
riend, you assume I can’t go off and do something that’s for me, like James? You assume I’ll stay in the usual routine forever?” My anger was not only at Mum but at myself for letting this happen.

  “No, no! Don’t be silly.”

  “Well, could you explain it to me because it certainly sounds that way.”

  “Jess, darling, perhaps this isn’t the best time.” Dad placates me, but I push back in my chair and wait expectantly for my mother.

  “I think you are different from your brother. That’s all.”

  I stare at my brother who has the audacity to look smug, sitting in his ‘prodigal son’ chair and waiting for me to bear the brunt of the upset from both Mum and Dad.

  “Yes, we are, Mum. Can I remind you it’s James that is moving away to Australia and not me? I’m going to lie down for a minute before someone says something they’ll regret.” I snatch up my glass and leave the table.

  I bounce down on the bed like a stroppy teenager. That was exactly how I was feeling. Of course my parents would think that of me. I protected myself from the world of commitment and broken hearts by keeping to my little bubble of life. Now I was finally willing to question my own decisions,and I didn’t like the assumptions made about me, no matter how well founded.

  Hearing both Mum and Dad doubted I’d end up with anyone was scary. Despite how much I had resigned myself to that idea until recently, I was now growing more worried that it was a possibility. I’d be the forty-something daughter who was closer to her parents than her friends, and all the friends she had could be counted on one hand.

  I shake my head. I was exaggerating the situation. Family, drink and Christmas always led to drama. I wish I hadn’t said anything, then it could have centred around my stupid brother rather than me.

  This was all Luc Clark’s fault, him and his super sexy persona and ruling voice that only knew how to give orders and make me open up. He has ruined me for any other man. Damn him.

  “Merry Christmas!”

  “Merry Christmas, Izzy.” I give her a huge squeeze, and she returns it with as much gusto.

  “So how was Christmas? Any news? Any shiny new gifts?” I ask as we release each other from our embrace. I head to the kitchen to make us a drink. We’d decided against going out, opting to stay in and spend time catching up.

  “Not really, although Seb and I are going to Barcelona in a couple of months. Sort of a second celebration. Does that count?”

  “Of course it does. What are you celebrating?”

  “Oh, you know. Our first Christmas together, finding each other. Just some alone time.” She beams at me and I’m reminded of how happy she is now.

  “It sounds wonderful. I could do with getting away.”

  “So why don’t you?”

  “I can’t until everything settles down with work and the re-structure is all underway. I intend to be going on a long, sunny holiday around April.”

  “Well make sure that happens. How was yesterday?”

  “Christmas was… interesting. James announced he’s moving to Australia for work, and I got into a fight with Mum.”

  “Oh no, why? What about?”

  “I may have over-reacted to a comment Mum and Dad made about me. I was feeling exposed, I guess.” The kettle boils, and we start our afternoon with a cup of tea. After drinking from 11:00 a.m. yesterday, I was going to take it a bit easier today.

  “Have you made up?”

  “Sort of. I made sure we cleared the air, but I still feel the effects of what was said. It was probably my mind-set that caused it to blow up into an argument in the first place.”

  “Want to tell me about it?”

  I hand her a cup, and we take our tea through and get settled. This was my time to talk about the things weighing on my mind.

  “You know I’m seeing Luc now. We worked out our initial communication troubles, or at least I’ve started to work on my troubles. I feel closer to him than I have to anyone in a long, long time which is scary as shit but… you know how big a thing this is for me.”

  “Of course, hun. I understand, and I’m excited.” She beams at me.

  “I’m trying to be open to what he wants from a relationship.”

  “Like the BDSM stuff?”

  “Actually, that’s the least daunting part. It’s the personal trust stuff that’s hard.” I stare down into my tea and sigh. “I… I really like him,” I whisper the last part, my own small confession to my best friend.

  “You shouldn’t be sad about that fact. Why are you sad?” She looks hurt as if I’ve just told her that her favourite pet has died.

  “Because…” I can’t finish my thought.

  “That’s not an answer, Jessica.”

  “Wow! Hang on a minute.” I can’t remember the last time she called me by my full name.

  “You’re scared, and you don’t know how to actually have a relationship. I’m pretty sure you’re finding it hard admitting this to even yourself. That’s why you can’t answer me. You’ve programmed yourself to be the hard one, the girl with the tough exterior, to hold everyone else around you together, so you don’t have to give yourself anytime. You work hard and play hard but never consider your own feelings. Permanent feelings, anyway. Now you’ve finally given in to the fact there could be happiness out there in a gorgeous Luc shaped package, and you don’t know what to do.” She raises her brow, and it’s her time to challenge me.

  She’s right.

  “Am I that obvious?”

  “Only to me. What I’ve been through over the last year has given me some insight. You can’t keep assuming everything is going to work out like Pete and Daniel. If I took that opinion, then Seb and I would never have gotten together.”

  “I know that. I understand it all, logically. But, I’m not sure I can let my heart be open again. I want to, and I know I’m in way too deep with Luc already, but all I remember of love is the pain and utter heartbreak that ripped through me and tore me to the ground when Daniel left me.”

  “You’ve just forgotten the good parts. That’s all.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Aren’t we meant to be enjoying Christmas?” she offers weakly.

  “Yes.”

  “Last Christmas it was me that was all over the place. Now it’s you. Maybe that’s a good sign.”

  “What, that I’m going crazy?”

  “No, that things will work out. They did for me. Now, when is Luc taking you to Solace? If you’re going to play, we need to make sure we keep well away. I love you, but there are certain things I won’t be able to deal with. Watching you with Luc is one of them.” She grins, and I bust out laughing. She’s certainly right there.

  “Yay, you’re laughing. Now we can do presents.” She gets up and returns from the hall with a few neatly wrapped gifts. She thrusts them into my lap, and I feel the sorrow and uncertainty from our previous conversation fade from my mind.

  “Yours are in the glittery bag by the tree,” I respond, and she goes to retrieve her own presents.

  We spend the next couple of hours drinking the new gin, eating the new chocolate and enjoying being best friends.

  I feel excited about seeing Luc. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. Butterflies swarm in my stomach. It wasn’t what I was used to, yet, there they were. Sure, the daydreaming and lust were still present, but this was new.

  Maybe I’d caught it from Izzy. She constantly went on about the excited feeling she always got around Seb. Surely that was it, and it didn’t mean I was eager beyond belief to be seeing Luc and spending time with him. We hadn’t been in contact a lot over the last couple of days, only a few texts that he would be picking me up at noon.

  Izzy left early this morning. It was so good to spend some girl time with her. After the initial conversation involving my feelings, she let things rest, and we enjoyed the time drinking and having fun. She was the old Izzy again. Being with Seb was doing wonders for her. She’s more confident and sure of herself. Towards the end with Phi
l, it was a struggle even to get her to smile. I will forever be thankful to Seb.

  The knock on the door startles me and sets the butterflies off once more. It was stupid. I’d seen Luc plenty of times without this kind of reaction. I head through the hall to answer the door. There he is, dressed in his usual cross between smart and casual. A fitted shirt and jeans shouldn’t make him look that good, but they do. He’s delicious. My wide smile greets him, and I open the door a little further to invite him in.

  “Hello, Princess.”

  “Hi.”

  “Are you ready?”

  “Well, that depends on what you have planned?” My flirty response is automatic and light hearted—fun.

  “You’ll need a bathing suit and towel.”

  “Really?” My surprise is clear.

  “I told you the other day I wanted you to relax.”

  “We’re going to the spa?”

  “Why not?”

  All my mind can imagine is Luc in swimming trunks with all his glorious muscles on display. How am I supposed to object to that?

  “It sounds… great. I’ll go and grab my things. Help yourself to tea. Or the other stuff.” I head upstairs and fly into my room. My swimming costume was certainly not what I wanted to wear today. It was practical and designed to take to the gym with me, not for a relaxing date. I root around in my bottom drawer and find a navy blue and floral patterned bikini that won’t hide my hips, but it won’t hide my boobs either so they should balance out. I stuff it, with a towel and some extra hair clips into a canvas bag. I pull off my jeans to inspect my legs and thank the Lord they are passable. I check I don’t look too flustered or too eager in the mirror before heading back down to the kitchen. Luc is leaning against the counter, mug in hand and I have to stop an audible sigh. He really is gorgeous.

  “Ready?” he asks, and I have to force my eyes to focus on his. His simmering look sparks a desire that’s never far away when Luc’s concerned.

  “Ummhmm.” Luc drives us into town and parks at The Clark Practice. It’s only a short distance to the spa and with Bath parking, this is perfect. We get out of the car, and Luc pulls my hand into his. My flinch is clear, but Luc doesn’t let me pull away, he simply holds me tighter. A moment of indecision sweeps my mind before I take a deep breath and let it go. I want this. Today, I’m going to pretend I’m not frightened of losing my heart to this man.