Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  I approach ‘jeeves’ at the entry way.

  “Can I help you, Miss Riley?” He asks, ever the polite professional.

  “Can you order me a taxi, please? I’d like to leave.”

  “Certainly. If you’d like to wait over here? I’ll go and retrieve your belongings.” He places a hand on my shoulder and escorts me back a little way to a small arrangement of seats. I perch on the edge, refusing to let the adrenaline calm in my blood. The seat gives me a clear view of anyone heading in my direction. I’m not holding my breath I’ll get out of here without any more run-ins.

  Natasha comes gliding across the floor to where I’m sitting. “You’re in no fit-state to leave on your own. I’ll take you,” she orders, as if I’ve done something unmentionable.

  “I’m capable of getting home.”

  “And what about your mental state? You’ve had a really intensive session. Now isn’t the time to be racing off on your own. Luc knows that and wants to make sure you’re in safe hands, even if they can’t be his own.”

  “So you’re following his orders now?”

  “Don’t be any more of a bitch, Jess. He cares for you. A lot. It would be nice if you showed him the same.”

  “I’m sorry, but when did I ever say I didn’t care about Luc? You’ve jumped to that conclusion all on your own. You think I’d just walk into Solace and turn my life upside down, go against all of my instincts and better judgements, try and break the habit of a lifetime for a guy who I didn’t like? Luc is the only person in the world I could contemplate all of that for. I’m pretty sure you were with me only a few moments ago in the scene. Did that feel like acting? But according to both of you, that’s not enough right now.”

  The startled look on Natasha’s face tells me she wasn’t expecting a fight.

  “I might submit to Luc, but he’s the only one. Remember that, Natasha.” I stand and walk back towards the door, before looking back to see if she’s following. “Are you coming? I don’t see any reason to hang around any longer.”

  What a complete cluster-fuck.

  The journey home doesn’t allow me the space I need to collapse. I want to curl physically in on myself and start to lick my wounds and the old scars that always seem so easy to re-open. But I can’t do that until Miss Super Dom gets me home.

  The atmosphere is frigid and for a moment, I miss the ease of simply following Luc’s command and not having to worry about anything else.

  “Don’t do this, Jessica. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of what you and Luc have.”

  “You’re acting as if you know the full story, which you don’t, so I’d appreciate it if you stayed out of our business.”

  “Fine. How are you feeling? Tired?”

  “Not, especially.”

  I continue staring out the window and watch the shadows of the country morph into buildings as we head back towards the city. Lights gleam and streak past as Natasha makes her way towards home. She pulls up to my drive, and I unfurl myself from the seat, the blanket still acting as physical protection.

  Natasha sees me to the door and for a moment, I see the look of determination on her face that tells me she isn’t going to be content letting me be on my own. Luckily, she re-considers before we get into another argument.

  “Thank you for the lift home. Goodnight, Natasha.”

  “Goodnight, Jess. Please, will you text Luc or better yet, call him?”

  “I’ll think about it.” I close the door.

  I wait for the revs of her car to be swallowed up into the night before I breathe a relieved sigh at the silence that greets me.

  My body gives out, and I crumple onto the floor. Fiery tears sting and burn as they cascade down my cheeks. All of the hurt and anguish I once shed rises up from my gut.

  I can’t contain the sorrow any longer, and my voice cries out as more tears spill. I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to survive Luc. I wasn’t built to withstand anymore heartache.

  The morning isn’t something I was looking forward to facing. Yet the sun still rose and I padded down to the kitchen for a cup of tea. Last night it felt like my world was collapsing around me. It wasn’t a bed of roses now either, but I had a clear head.

  I’m going to blame the endorphins for my emotions. My rational outlook didn’t help with this ache in the centre of my chest. I can’t deny that finding out Luc had found his one and lost her wasn’t hard. If he loved someone that much, could he ever feel that way for me? I felt selfish and stupid for thinking that way, but it’s what I wanted. I wanted to be Luc’s everything. It’s how I felt for him, scary as it was to admit.

  Life had taught me that it was harsh and painful, and although you might want something with all your heart, sometimes you don’t get it.

  This wasn’t the right time. This wasn’t the right man.

  Those two thoughts kept me sane, and that was a relative term.

  Today felt like it was doomed from the start. I didn’t want to partake in what my mum had planned, but I felt like I had no other choice. Especially after last night and Luc.

  The house is quiet when I open the door. I didn’t see James’ car out front so assume he’ll be around shortly.

  “Hello!”

  “Hi, I’m in the front room.” Dad’s sitting in his usual chair, the TV on silent as he watches the Formula One. He’s not his usual cheery self. I can see that immediately. He wears the strain of this family get together clearly on his face.

  “Where’s Mum?”

  “Kitchen, darling. She’s been on edge for days. Just to warn you.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  I take tentative steps into her domain and wait to see the lay of the land. We didn’t end our last conversation on great terms. Mum and I didn’t usually fight, so I have no real reference for how things will play out between us. I was hoping her focus would be on James today rather than me.

  She smashes the masher into the pan of boiled potatoes as if they had caused her physical harm.

  “Do you want some help?”

  “You can finish mashing these. I’ve got to carve the meat.” She stomps across the kitchen and pulls the sweet-smelling lamb out of the oven.

  “Will James be here soon?”

  “Well, I hope so. He’s the reason we’re all here,” she snaps.

  “I’m sorry, have I done something wrong? I’m here like you asked.”

  “Don’t start, Jessica. You know…” She pauses and the carving knife stills in its dissection. “You know this is important. I want James to understand his family is here for him.”

  “He knows, Mum. He’s going for his career, not just to leave us. It’s an opportunity…”

  “Stop. Just… Let’s wait for James.”

  She goes back to the meat, avoiding further conversation. I mash the potatoes until they are smooth and creamed and then leave the kitchen.

  “Hello!” James calls from the hall. I take a deep breath and steel myself for the awkward conversation I know will accompany lunch.

  “Lunch is ready. Take a seat everyone.” Mum pokes her head into the front room, and Dad and I move to our seats at the dining table.

  “This looks lovely, Mum. I don’t always get home cooked food like this.” James leans across the table and spoons a dollop of mashed potatoes on his plate. We take the next few minutes politely asking to pass the meat, vegetables or gravy and then it’s only the clinking of cutlery that fills the air. I’m waiting for something to happen. My body is on edge, filled with dread.

  “So, Jess. Any news in your world?” James breaks the quiet.

  “Not a lot. We’re going through a re-structure at work at the moment which is painful. It’s keeping me busy.”

  “You’re not at risk, though?”

  “No. At least, not at the moment.”

  “Good. Do you think you’ll like to come for a visit after I’m settled?” The clatter of Mum’s silverware against the wood makes us all stop and look.

  “I r
eally don’t think you going to Australia is a good idea, James. You’d be so far away.” I can hear the pleading in her voice. But I can also see the outrage as well.

  “Mum, come on. I live in London now. When was the last time you visited me?”

  “That is hardly the point. You’ll be on the other side of the world. It’s completely different. Your father hates flying. We wouldn’t be able to fly over to see you. What about Christmas? Or visits? Huh? Have you thought about any of that?”

  “Relax, it’s only for a year, maybe eighteen months. It’s a great opportunity for me, and it’s not up for debate. You still have Jess. It’s not like she ever goes anywhere.”

  “Hey!”

  “Well, it’s true. I bet you’re still round here each Sunday for the next twenty years. Nothing changes with you and now Mum’s expects the same of me.”

  “Well, it would be nice to see you once in a while. What’s up with ignoring my texts or calls until you can fit us into your busy life. Family is important, James.”

  “Yes, I agree, but not to the point where you put your life on hold for them.”

  “That is not what I’m doing.” The anger at his words hits me hard, but I also feel guilt. Hadn’t I chosen my parents over time with Luc?

  “Your sister would never do what you’re doing, and I can’t understand what’s so appealing to up and move. Surely there are opportunities in this country, James. It would be devastating if you left.” You can hear the anguish in Mum’s voice at the thought of losing her son, even if it is only temporarily.

  “Is this why you invited me today? To try and convince me not to go?”

  “Can you blame them?”

  “Stay out of this, Jess.” He snaps.

  “No, I will not. I’m part of this family, and I’ll be the one who has to pick up the pieces when you up and leave, so you’ll sit and listen to Mum.” I can see it all pan out in front of me like a movie. Mum, wanting to be even closer, insisting on more ‘family’ time. I’d grown too comfortable in this world. It wasn’t something I needed more of.

  “You need to grow up and get on with your life. You’ve molly coddled Mum and Dad for far too long.”

  “James!” Dad scolds him, but it’s too little, too late.

  “Don’t you dare talk to me like that. You have no idea about my life and how I live it. You’re too busy swanning off with your career to worry about your own family.”

  “I hardly think building a successful career is swanning off as you put it.” He even does the air quotes.

  “How is that any different to me, apart from I’ve chosen to do it close to home.”

  “Yeah, because you have no ambition, and you’re happy to coast through life. God, you’re in your thirties, and you’re only a step away from living at home.”

  “That’s enough. Both of you.” Mum’s shrill voice cuts into our fight.

  “No, Mum. He's a complete wanker. He can’t come here and talk to us like this.”

  “Oh, so it’s us versus me now? What happened to happy families? Or was that just so I’d put my plans on hold to come home for a few roast dinners?”

  “How dare you both! Jessica, apologise to your brother and James, I can’t believe you’d talk about our family this way.”

  “Sorry, Mum. But someone had to say it.” I stare at James and see the same stern eyes staring venom back at me. I couldn’t back down. Not now. Everything he had said had hit too close to home. Apart from the ambition, he was right on point, and a small part of me envied his ability to just up and leave for the other side of the world.

  “Jessica, apologise to James.” Mum glares at me like she did when I was a little child, but I’m a grown woman now, and I’m not about to do as I’m told for the sake of platitude.

  “I don’t think so, Mum.”

  A heavy silence settles over all of us—a stalemate of sorts. If Mum thinks she can simply tell me what to do, then she’s sorely mistaken.

  “James, please. Perhaps we can talk privately?” Mum gentles her voice, and it makes me want to scream. He could get away with anything as a child. He still can. He’s the wonderful, successful son who can’t do anything wrong. I’m the daughter who can never grow up and move on. I stand up.

  “It’s alright, Mum. I’ll let you talk amongst yourselves.”

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “This was never going to work. James has made his decision and he’ll follow through with it as he always does. Besides, it’s his life. He’s doing something he wants to. You shouldn’t stand in his way. You might not realise this, but I made a big sacrifice to be here to support you. I put family first, like always, but you need to understand we both have lives as well.” I watch shock transform my Mum’s face at my words. James only offers a slight snigger which I force myself to let go. I turn to Dad, who has been quiet through the whole fiasco. He offers me a small smile but doesn’t say anything.

  Dad gives my hand a squeeze on the way out. I was always proud and happy with my family. I loved how we always got along. I felt lucky to have such great parents who I could see regularly and feel part of a wider family, especially when Izzy was part of it. That feeling was an ocean away from how I felt now. No matter how overdue I thought this blow up might be, it made me unsettled and uneasy. My parents were a constant in my life. Through all the crap, they were there for me. A part of me felt guilty for taking advantage of that. I had grown blind to how much I relied on them in my life and hadn’t considered how they would feel as a result. I stew over the words that were thrown around on the way home and feel no better when I arrive.

  Despite how spectacularly awful today went, my mind grasps at Luc. What I had said to Mum was true. I did make a huge sacrifice to be with my family. It was one I was still fighting over, and that scared me. This wasn’t the right time. This wasn’t the right man. I repeat the words and hope if I say them enough, I’ll start to believe them.

  Monday heralded a new work week and one that brought no joy to my life. Ian had submitted his own proposed cuts schedule that went in a far more drastic direction than I was hoping for. It seems our run-in over his sales team was still a sticking point for him.

  His new proposal saw all the middle management assistants being made redundant, on top of the administration cuts I’d already forwarded. In my position, I shouldn’t make things personal, but it would mean I’d lose Hannah. Right now, that was something I couldn’t comprehend, but Ian had already taken the proposal to Martin. He liked the idea. By Monday afternoon, I had a new schedule of redundancies I had to prepare for. It seemed this was the plan that was being taken to the board and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

  There wasn’t enough wine left in my fridge to do the damage I needed. I didn’t want to have to deal with being an adult at this point. I wanted to give up and let someone else make the decisions and live with the consequences. I knew why, as well. Luc had knocked down all of the protection I had built up over the years. He’d slipped in behind the cracks and knocked them clean open. Now, everything was affecting me more than usual. I hated it. I felt helpless and incapacitated, and it was too much. So I tried to forget by drinking myself into a stupor where I didn’t need to worry about returning Luc’s call or what would happen this week at work, or how I’d have to look at Hannah, knowing what would be coming next.

  Luc wasn’t the right man, and this certainly wasn’t the right time. I repeat the lie in an attempt to believe it. As if it would hurt any less if I said it enough. The damage had already been done, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t start repairing it. Luc didn’t need me. He deserved someone more together than me. Someone who could believe in love and second chances and commitment. The more I drank, the more confused I became about what I wanted, what I thought Luc wanted and how to resolve this mess I’d gotten into. Luc didn’t need someone who used drink as a crutch for their emotional turmoil.

  I knew we couldn’t go back to the way things were. I’ll never b
e able to protect my heart again. We’d be better off calling it quits. He can look for the perfect submissive that will actually do as she’s told, and I can learn to forget what loving him felt like.

  LUCAS

  The damn file isn’t on my desk. I’ve rearranged the whole fucking office looking for it, and it’s not here. Now my neat office looks like a train wreck. It had only been two days since I had heard from Jess, and I was going out of my mind. She wasn’t returning my calls or texts. We seemed to have circled right back to where we started. I fucked up at Solace. My emotions were firmly invested in that scene. I was so wrapped up in her that her knock-back felt like she’d punched me in the chest. I shouldn’t have left her with Natasha.

  A gentle knock at the door halts me from hurling the sales invoice folder across the room.

  “What!” I snap, unconcerned my mood is so clearly audible in my bark. Amanda peeks her head around the door.

  “Is now a bad time?” she asks. “We can always re-schedule.” It takes me a few seconds to catch up. Shit.

  “No, that won’t be necessary. We might need to do this in your office.”

  “Fine by me, but it really would be alright to postpone.” I only saw Amanda every few months as it was. She was one of my only patients if I could even call her that. She liked someone to be her sounding board, and I’d always given her that.

  She waits at the door as I try and right a few things before heading down to her office.

  “Maybe it’s you who needs a sounding board today?” she asks as she unlocks her office and takes a seat on the cosy two-seater.

  “I’m not sure a sounding board is what I need, but thanks for the offer.” I mentally count to ten to try and let go of my temper. “So, anything you want to cover today?” I try and clear my mind of my wild-haired beauty and focus on Amanda.