I couldn’t have agreed more.
| FORTY |
Foraging
Spring 2010
I remembered the feeling of the old nail cutting my hand. I started dripping blood on the ground but kept moving forward with my project. Sweat dripped from my forehead into the wounds. It stung. Finishing my project was all that I cared about at that moment. I found the perfect piece of wood. It was exactly what I needed.
Once a year, Salt Lake City had a program where people would put all of their junk outside on the curb. The city would hire men to come around in dump trucks and take it all away. It was the perfect way to declutter, but it was also the perfect way to get free stuff. My neighborhood was filled with dozens of cars driving around looking for something to keep. Mostly people looked for anything metallic so that it could be recycled for a profit. I always looked for wood though. For years I had been collecting wood for firewood or for building things. I always have had this idea that I could build something myself, with my own two hands. This time I was rummaging through a stranger’s discarded garbage looking for wood to build Manny a club house.
Looking back it is slightly humiliating to admit that yes, I was rummaging through someone’s garbage. I couldn’t afford the raw materials needed to build a clubhouse so instead I found the materials another way. I had never been so poor in my entire life. The cuts I received from this activity went untreated. Even though I finally had health insurance for the first time in two years there was no way I could afford the co-pay.
I remember how life was with Jessica. We were finishing the basement. When we bought our house - my house - the basement was only half finished. We bought wood, paint, and materials together. Money was not an issue. I did the work and the supplies to do so were abundant. It was a stark contrast to how meager my life had become.
My life had turned from opulence to poverty. I was using those salvaged materials to build my son a clubhouse. It would be a testament to myself that I could build something out of nothing. I could build something out someone else’s trash.
I had enough materials together quickly to finish the clubhouse using salvaged wood and doors from Jessica’s former wardrobe. It was a hodgepodge clubhouse literally built with blood, sweat, and tears.
When the clubhouse was finished, Courtney commented that one day Manny would see his first pair of breasts in that clubhouse. I flashed forward to the image of a teenaged Manny sneaking off into the backyard to make out with his girlfriend. I felt accomplishment in what I had built. I was literally building a legacy and a memory for Manny out of scrap wood. It leaked when it rained. It was his clubhouse and he loved it.
Since Jessica and Vince’s secret marriage I had had no contact with them. Jessica seemed to have dropped off of the face of the earth again. The unknown of the entire situation, especially after the interaction I had with Vince for a few weeks, was extremely concerning to me. My stress level peaked, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I fully expected Jessica and Vince to show up at my doorstep out of the blue and take Manny. I let Manny’s school know that under no uncertain terms was Manny allowed to leave school without my consent.
Amidst my paranoia and constant stress over Jessica and Vince's possible kidnapping of my son, it was time for another one of Courtney’s visits. Her visits always came at the right time because I was so lonely doing this parenting thing myself. I had friends to help, but it’s not the same as having a living breathing person next to you cheering you on. I didn’t need Courtney to raise or parent Manny, but rather remind me that I was doing the right thing and doing a good job. She was great at that. Whenever she was around she motivated me to be a much better person than I already was.
I wish I could remember what we did during that visit, but it was probably nothing more than talk about how crazy Jessica was. I think that’s all I did for two years: talk about Jessica. Courtney must have loved me more than I knew because I am unsure if I could put up with someone constantly talking about their ex ad nauseum.
Courtney, a high powered director of a retail beauty chain, loved visiting. She loved the predictability and the monotony. She loved that we had dinner time and stories before bed. She loved just how normal our lives were. I loved that she loved it. Where most people go on vacation and travel or see beautiful cities, Courtney’s version of a vacation was visiting me where nothing exciting happened. She traveled and saw amazing cities for work. She wanted a taste of normal life.
It was May 2 and Courtney was scheduled to leave that day. Her flight was in the afternoon. I was still asleep on my bed when she came in the room fully dressed.
“Get up,” she said. She looked pissed.
“Uhh." I moaned the kind of moan you make when just waking up.
“Do you think I’m an idiot? Let me answer that for you. Yes, you do. God damn it Matt. I’m such a fucking idiot." She paused, seemingly expecting an answer. I remained silent. “You need to take me to the airport.”
Courtney wanted to go to the airport because she opened my computer to check her email while I was sound asleep. I left my chat program open. She read the messages I wrote trying to woo other women. She refused to be disrespected like that. She was done with me.
***
With everything going on in my life, I had never been so lonely. The social interaction was gone except for work, and I hated most of those people. I rarely saw my friends. The most real life adult conversation I had in any given day was with the caregivers in Manny’s after school program.
I talked with Courtney almost every night, but it was still not enough because she was so far away. I considered moving to Chicago to be closer to her but getting out of my financial situation seemed impossible.
I was upside down on my house loan and I had a second mortgage that was almost entirely maxed out. I couldn’t even afford to buy lumber at a hardware store, let alone move. I was stuck in Salt Lake City.
I kept telling myself I stayed there to ensure Manny had stability and consistency, but that was only partially true. The truth is I was too poor to dig myself out. I had tried for so long to get out of the hole that I was exhausted from trying.
I needed more people near me. I wanted to feel special again. Feeling my-girlfriend-sees-me-once-every-six-weeks special was not good enough. I wanted to feel wanted and desired. I didn’t want to feel invisible. I did the only thing I knew how to do previously: I created an online dating profile.
Perhaps I would find someone who would sweep me off of my feet. Perhaps this person would see me, my profile, and recognize me for this amazing person that I was. Perhaps they would live down the street. In hindsight it was a stupid idea and really just one of fantasy because I didn’t have time to date, and I didn’t have the energy or money to do it. Besides, I was already taken.
***
We drove up to the terminal at the airport. Manny was confused as to why we were taking her there early. No one said a word the entire trip, which was about a five minute drive from my house. I grabbed her bag. “I’m sorry this couldn’t work out with us." I was sorry too, but I was still so numb from everything going on in my life. It was sad to see her go for good.
She dumped me, just like every other girl had dumped me my entire life. This time was different though: I definitely deserved it. I was seeking attention elsewhere while in a relationship. I still wonder if I felt the need to emulate Jessica in order to understand her. Even though it had been years, living with Jessica and having it all vanish was still affecting me.
Even if it was just for a moment, I needed to feel something from someone.
Courtney called me to tell me she had landed safely. She wanted to understand why I could do that to her. I really didn’t have any answers other than telling her that I was incapable of a long distance relationship. I couldn’t explain it. As much as I try to now, I still cannot explain it other than blaming it on the mental state I was in at the time.
I was alone again. I somehow felt okay with being
alone, as though solitude was my ultimate life goal. The only person I could count on was myself so eliminating other people from my life seemed to make sense. Perhaps I was sabotaging everything good around me because I didn’t know how to live a normal life. Chaos and destruction were all I knew. As much as I tried to understand why I did certain things in my life, understanding why would never change the simple fact that they happened. It was pointless to figure out my motivations so I stopped psychoanalyzing myself. Self reflection had been replaced by the need to simply exist.
In a moment of desperation and clarity, I recognized that I needed to get out of the house more. I needed to interact with people. I couldn’t keep letting myself drift and drift until I was completely gone. I was putting on more and more weight again. Manny’s social interactions were also gone because no one wanted to play outside during the winter.
We signed up to take martial arts. Affording the classes was difficult, but I figured that I would find a way, somehow, to pay for it. Perhaps these people would be my new community? Maybe the trick was to surround myself with health-conscious people and to participate with my son in a fun activity together. Maybe if Manny knew how to punch and kick he wouldn’t be so afraid of bad guys all of the time. Maybe I could meet a girl there and fall madly in love. Maybe this girl would understand my life and the bad choices I had made, and she would tell me how I amazed her and how lucky she was to be my girlfriend.
Courtney still didn’t call, and I still missed her. I wondered if she missed me.
| FORTY ONE |
Something to Prove
May 2010
Jessica called and informed me she wanted to take Manny for the summer. I spoke with a number of lawyers trying to see if her craziness could warrant eliminating her parental rights. They all said no. Even though she had been a non-factor in Manny’s life for almost the last three years, being his mother on paper made it extremely difficult to remove her parental rights. The only way her rights could ever be terminated would be if she abused Manny or cut off all contact. I had no choice but to send Manny to her house over the summer. She told me she would be in town on June 8th and would take Manny back with her. She also wanted to bring Jojo with her. I declined that suggestion. Like always, our conversations turned into a yelling match. I just wanted her to admit that she lied our entire marriage. I wanted her to acknowledge that she cheated. I wanted her to admit she was married and was in Alabama with Vince. She wouldn’t budge. I hung up the phone.
From: Jessica Timion
Subject: RE: Manny
To: "matt"
Date: Tuesday, May 18, 2010, 5:49 PM
I have no problem talking to you on the phone, you're the one that freaked out the last time we talked. I'm fine with it.
If you don’t want to send the dog, fine. I was just thinking of Manny and didn't want him to miss his dog. I have dogs and I know what I'm getting myself into. The cost would be mine. No worries.
Also, I'll be in Utah on the 8th of June, and plan on taking Manny back with me on the 12th. I have family traveling to meet us, so please don't change this on me at the last minute.
I'm in North Carolina. If I move I'll give you a forwarding address within 24 hrs like our decree spells out.
I sent her the parenting agreement that we had signed. She was to give me sixty days notice if she moved, not twenty-four hours. She then admitted that she was, in fact, in Alabama. She planned on taking Manny for the summer and if I had not figured out she had moved I would have thought Manny was in North Carolina instead of Alabama.
I started receiving phone calls from multiple members of her family expressing concern for Manny’s safety while in Jessica’s care. A call from her sister was the most shocking. Her sister was so concerned for Manny’s well-being that she called DCFS and tried to express her concerns. DCFS said that all her sister could really do to help was to call me. Members of Jessica’s family knew she wasn’t stable. Her marriage to Vince, the man who punched her, also made her family afraid for Jessica and Manny’s safety.
During Jessica’s visit to pick up Manny, there was a scheduled family gathering with her family. Her brother was supposed to drive in from Denver. Her dad was supposed to drive up from Arizona. It would have been the first time all of them were together since the family reunion at our home. As soon as her father and brother found out that Vince would be in town everyone canceled their trips. No one wanted to see that guy. Who could have blamed them, really? After all, her dad and brother had flown to rescue her from Vince just a few months prior. Another one of her siblings was on the phone during Jessica’s drunken meltdown years before.
As soon as her family backed out of seeing Jessica and Vince, I received an email from her.
Matt,
there has been some scheduling conflict and i want to pick up Manny at your house on june 9th. can you have him packed and ready to go that afternoon?
Vince and Jessica showed up alone in Jessica’s new car. It was the car he purchased for her after she had totaled her last car while drunk driving. Vince stood by the car and didn’t approach me. Part of my initial motivation for taking martial arts was to be able to handle myself if Vince ever tried to punch me. With his military training I wouldn’t have stood a chance, but the thought kept motivating me. I’m glad that I didn’t have to demonstrate my white belt techniques that day. I really dislike pain.
It was June 9th, and Manny was outside waiting with Jojo for Jessica and Vince to come. Manny had been playing outside all day and was dirty. I didn’t see the need for him to shower before Jessica showed up. What kid wants to shower at 2 PM? I handed off his luggage and I remembered that Manny had made a paper flower for Jessica. I ran back inside to get it for her. “Thank you Matt, that is really sweet.”
I had the house to myself. It was so quiet. A chirping sound came from my phone. It was a text message. Was it Jessica? Was Manny okay? I worried too much. It read, “Manny shit his pants while he was at your house and he stinks. All of his clothes stink. We had to take his clothes to the laundromat and wash them. I had to shower him. What the fuck is wrong with you?" I didn’t respond. Manny may have been dirty, but he didn’t stink. All of his clothes were washed. If Manny had an accident it wouldn’t be the first time. Manny would sometimes just decide that playing was more important than coming inside to use the bathroom. This had been a problem for years, and his therapist had just told me to wait it out. It’s not uncommon.
The next morning I found a soiled pair of children’s underwear in my front yard. At least they hadn't slashed my tires and pissed on my windshield.
Jessica was supposed to buy a return plane ticket for Manny to come back home. Normally both parents split the cost of the children traveling, but since she was so behind on her child support she was supposed to pay the entire amount. I kept waiting for the ticket to be sent to me. I knew that she always did everything last minute so I really didn’t expect to get the travel information until a week before Manny’s travel date.
Time went on. My days consisted of going to work, attending martial arts classes six times a week, and coming home to tend to my garden. I think I had over twenty tomato plants that summer. I would easily have enough tomato sauce for the year.
Still no word from Courtney. Still no luck on the dating websites. Men were a dime a dozen, and women didn’t want a single dad. They wanted a guy who could devote all of their time to them. I remembered that Courtney was different. She loved that I put my son first. Why did I mess things up so badly with her? Although I no longer had to tend to Manny’s every need, I really didn’t go out much. The problem wasn’t being a parent, it was me. I think I just preferred a life of solitude and drinking wine while I watched television.
For the first few weeks Jessica was nice and cordial with me. During one phone call she said, “Oh My God,” while holding back laughter, “don’t be mad, but Manny called a crow a nigglet. It was so funny that Vince and I just started bursting into laughter." His mother�
�s laughter told Manny that what he said was okay so he kept repeating it. They kept laughing. I took personal offense to this because my niece and nephew are half black. Was she inadvertently teaching my son racism was okay? I was not amused.
Seemingly overnight Jessica’s tone changed. Jessica sent me an email spelling out all of her concerns with my taking care of Manny. Was she serious? The woman who lied about her entire childhood, cheated, almost moved to Kansas on a whim, and let my son sleep for five months on a bean bag was talking to ME about parenting? Her claims were outrageous, but I had come to expect nothing less. I was finally done talking about her constantly to everyone I knew, and then this happened. She threatened a court battle if I did not voluntarily give up primary custody of Manny to her.
From: Jessica Jacobs
To: Matthew Timion
Cc: Vince Jacobs
Sent: Thursday, July 8, 2010 10:22 PM
Subject:> RE: Status for Manny Timion
Matt,
I propose you let Manny stay here with Vince and me. You and I both know he is neglected under your custody. However, when he is with me he has the care, structure, and nurturing this child requires in order to overcome some of the challenges he faced when he was younger.
First I want to provide you with my observations as to why I want to modify the divorce decree returning primary custody to myself:
*when I pick Manny up, every time he is filthy; his body is reeking of urine or feces
*his teeth were not brushed in days & in some cases were rotten (I had to take him to the Dentist twice- you did not help offset the costs)
*had not had a haircut since, I imagine, the last time I took him for one
*torn/tattered/ill fitting clothing & shoes; I have to buy him a new wardrobe every time I pick him up
Leaving Salt Lake City Page 21
