The grip lotus had on the door relaxed. “She felt so good, she would convince herself that she was better, so she would stop taking her meds and she would crash. Lotus, she would crash so fucking hard and no matter how much I tried, how hard I argued . . . I couldn’t catch her. She didn’t want me to. She would get angry at me, angry at the world that whatever the fuck she felt was unjust, and just walk out on me. Leave me for days at a time without a single phone call. And the drugs . . . she tried so many of them, trying to make herself forget. Sometimes she would get so wasted, she wouldn’t know where she was or who she was with and it scared me . . . so fucking much. Despite it all, despite the men, drugs, and fits of rage . . . it was all worth it when she decided to take her meds again, when she became the girl I fell in love with. I never knew how long it would last, so I took what I could get, when I could get it.”
I removed my foot now, knowing that I had her attention. “The last day I saw her, she was mostly herself again and it was fucking beautiful. But I was so focused on having her back, even for the little time that I could, that I missed everything that lurked under the surface. She left that morning wearing my favorite sundress. Her hair was in a messy pony tail but she didn’t care. She never came back, Lotus.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Lotus’ eyes were watery and I had to look away, because if I focused too long I would lose my nerve.
“Because you need to know everything, you need to know me. “She nodded her head and I continued. “The last words Alexa ever told me, the words that I will forever hear whenever her name is mentioned were, ‘sometimes I wish you were enough for me’. Next thing I knew, I got a call from her parents. She was dead. Locked herself in her car at a park and consumed so much fucking medication to drown away her demons that she never stood a chance.”
“It hurt. The pain of knowing that I wasn’t good enough, that my love wasn’t enough . . . to save her . . . it gutted me and I promised myself that I would never put myself in that position again. I would never let myself love someone and give them the power to destroy me. Then you came along, with your sassy, kissable mouth and eyes that slay me and I knew from the start I was in trouble. I knew you would be the one who wrecked me all over again, so I tried to hold strong. By putting up walls.”
She opened her mouth to speak and I held up my hand to stop her. “Please, just let me finish.” She nodded. “I wanted to stay away from you because you were good and wholesome and I didn’t deserve you, I didn’t deserve so much sunshine when I spent my whole life just fighting storms. But it was impossible and futile because your sun was stronger than my clouds and you broke through. I thought, maybe for a little while, I could have you. Not enough to taint you, of course, but just enough to taste a sliver of happiness. But once I had you, I couldn’t give you up. I couldn’t give you up because you were the best damn thing I have ever experienced in my life and I’m a selfish coward. But the truth is . . . I love you. I think I have always loved you, even when we were kids and all you needed was someone to look after you. I wanted to be that someone. Always.”
“The last two weeks have been torture without you and I know I should have gone after you sooner, but I was scared; scared because out of every pain I’ve ever felt, watching you leave me was the most excruciating. Alexa died and the hurt was nothing compared to knowing that I could lose you forever if I didn’t figure my shit out and step up. I’m ashamed that I could compartmentalize her death lower than the lust . . . no . . . the love you ignite in me, but it’s true. I just . . . I don’t . . . I want to . . .”
Fuck. I didn’t know how to convince her I loved her and that I wanted her and only her. I was shit with words and worse than shit trying to express emotions, but I’d made it this far and she hadn’t completely slammed the door, so I needed to keep trying. Living without her wasn’t an option I was willing to accept. My chest ached and I rubbed it, reminding myself of something important. Without putting much thought into it, I unzipped my jacket and tossed it on the ground, then started working the buttons on my shirt.
“What are you doing, Beck? Are you fucking crazy? Its thirty degrees out here.” She hissed but I didn’t care.
“Just give me a minute. Please, baby?” I begged as I worked the last button free and tossed the shirt to the ground, leaving me in my undershirt and jeans.
She huffed out her annoyance, the air turning into an opaque cloud in front of her, and then she wrapped her fingers around my wrist, stopping me from removing my last shirt. “Come inside. You’re a crazy bastard, you know that?” Then she yanked me forward, dragging me into her apartment before slamming the door, leaving my clothes outside. “Now, what’s so important that you think you need to strip on my porch and give my neighbors a peep show?” She asked me, her voice softer than before.
“I just . . . I wanted to show you this.” I pulled my shirt off, exposing my chest and the patch of gauze covering my heart. I reached up, peeling back the tape, revealing the freshly inked lotus flower directly over my heart.
“You put my flower over your heart?” Her voice came out as a whisper and I was scared that she was angry and that she would reject me. I knew I would never regret getting a representation of her over my heart, but I didn't know how to put it into words so that she would know, too.
“I know I said I would never love anything enough to fill in that space . . . the gap over my heart, but it was because I thought I was empty. I didn’t think I could love again but I was wrong because I love you. I’m glad I was wrong because when I’m with you, I feel whole, complete . . . and I don’t want to be any other way. I want to be whole, with you . . . always.”
Her fingers came up to my chest and gently traced the outline of the flower. “You did this for me?” Her eyes came up, locking me in the depth of her stunning gaze.
“I did it because of you, but I did it for me. I want the reminder of our love, yours and mine forever. I don’t want to forget it. Even if I never feel your lips against mine again, I will look at this everyday and know I had you once and that’s enough for me. It has to be enough.”
She nodded her head slowly, her finger reaching the end of the ink lines. Then her lips quirked up a little. “You got this for me.” I swallowed hard, afraid to speak. Her hand left my chest and traveled up my neck, ending on my cheek and I leaned into it, missing the feel of her fingers against my skin and her caresses against the scruff of hair that lined my jaw. “You did it for me.” She whispered one more time and I closed my eyes, just trying to feel her.
When I opened my eyes, she was standing closer and her hand traveled to the back of my neck, pulling my face down to hers, touching our foreheads together. “Say it again.” She demanded and I didn’t have to ask what she meant, I already knew.
“I love you.”
Then her lips touched mine and I knew that everything would be okay. We would be okay. She kissed me slow and sweet, and I’d be fucking lying if it didn’t make me love her more, want her more, crave every ounce of her body . . . just a little more. She pulled back too soon and my lips tried to follow hers but she stopped me with her hand gently pushing my chest.
“You know, I wasn’t named after the flower.” She gave me a deadpan look and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I knew you would say that so I’ve got you covered.” I reached down, unbuttoning my pants and turning my hip so my ass was cocked toward her, before lowering my jeans just enough to show her the replica of a hot pink Lotus Elise tattooed onto my right cheek.
“You tattooed a car on your ass?” Her eyes were shining with laughter but she kept her voice straight.
“Well, Gus said you would say that, and I love you, I do. But I thought the flower was more romantic. So, we compromised and I got the car too, on my ass . . . because you sure can be a pain in the . . .” She pushed my shoulder hard and although it hardly moved me, I dramatized it a little and stumbled backwards.
“So you let Auggie touch your ass. Should I feel threate
ned by this?”
“Baby,” I wrapped my arm around her tightly, gluing her to my chest, infusing our scents together. “It was a great bonding moment. One we promised to never speak about again.”
She took my hand in hers, squeezing it tightly. “So you’re friends then?”
“We’ve come to an understanding.” I admitted tentatively.
She raised her right eyebrow, “Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“If I ever hurt you again, he will murder me and bury my body under my own porch. I think he meant it.”
She cleared her throat. “I know he did. Look, I’m not looking for temporary, Beckett. I appreciate the gesture, really I do, but I can’t just forgive you and then go back to sneaking around. I can’t handle it.”
I pulled her closer, running my fingers through her hair; her much shorter hair. “I told Bentley about us. He gave me this.” I pointed to my black eye that she had been giving questioning glances to and she winced. “But he’s fine with us. I talked to Auggie, and Phil . . . and you know what, Phil was right. I don’t want to be left behind in this life anymore. I want to live and I want it all . . . with you. Everything. The house, the kids, the picket fence . . . I want that life and I don’t want to hide behind my fears. Stan said . . .”
“Stan? The tree guy?”
“I was desperate. That’s not the point. Stan said I needed to man up because you needed something real and I’m ready to be real. I guess what I really want to know is, will you be real with me? Can I have that life with you?”
“What exactly are you saying?” Her voice was hoarse and as I watched her, I could feel my throat tightening too.
“I’m saying that I want it all with you. Everything. I want a family with you. I want kids with you. I want to come home every day knowing that you’re my wife,” I brushed her hair off her face, then used my thumb to catch a tear. “So is that a yes?”
She used the back of her hand to wipe her eye, smearing a trail of mascara. Her voice was strained, “Yes to what? You didn’t ask me a question.”
Of course, she couldn’t make this easy for me, she never had, she probably never would, but I was one hundred percent okay with it. So instead, I kissed her forehead, and then dropped to my knee in front of her, while holding her hand in mine. “Lotus Bishop, you’re the most difficult and stubborn girl I’ve ever met and I never want you to change. If you let me, I want to spent the rest of my life proving to you that you won’t be able to find a man as good as I am, that no one can love you harder than I could and that everything that’s ever happened between us, from childhood until now, has helped lead me to the girl I love. From now on, I promise to never let you fall again because I want to be there to catch you. Always. I want to have children with your eyes and that crazy hair, so that every time I see them, I know you helped me bring something good into this world. I want to come home on stormy days and cuddle up to you in bed and know that the storms aren’t so bad because you’re my light. I want you. All of you. For the rest of my life. Will you marry me, Lotus? Will you let me love you like I should have this whole time, and honor me by becoming my wife?”
The blue of her eyes were shining with the same tears that streaked down her face as she slowly nodded her head. She was beauty, everything about her, from her tangled hair to the makeup that stained her cheek, and she was mine. All mine. “Yes.” She spoke softly.
“I don’t have a ring, I hadn’t really planned this far ahead, but I know it’s what I want. I’ll buy you any . . .” her finger pressed against my lips as she shushed me. She lowered herself to the ground in front of me, still holding my hand.
“I don’t need a ring. Don’t you know? All I ever wanted was you.” She leaned in and kissed me again, her lips softer than I remembered them, firmer, more persistent. She kissed me like she was starved and she had to be, because I was starved too. Starved for her kisses, starved for her touch, starved for this closeness that I had gone weeks without. When she finally pulled away from my lips, she buried her face into the curve of my shoulder and I held her there, unwilling to let go of this girl who anchored me to the life I loved.
I felt her breath fan over my back, and through the muffled voice that was buried in my skin, I heard her say, “But in all seriousness, I like princess cut.”
I felt the rumble of a laugh bubble up and escape. “For you, I would never expect anything less. Nothing less.”
I kissed her head, smiling into her hair, thankful that I hadn't let my blind stubbornness ruin this one chance at love I had left in this lifetime. Thankful that this one girl, this one made especially for me, loved me enough to accept my faults and was brave enough to push me when I hadn't known I needed the nudge. She was my everything and I vowed to spend every moment of my life proving to her that, although I was a rough choice, I was the only right choice for her. Because I couldn't imagine my life ever being different.
Epilogue
Beckett
I stood under the vine covered arch in my back yard, struggling to catch my breath. All of our family and friends were here to watch us, and she was late. I knew she wouldn’t abandon me now; our whole lives had been spent building up to this moment, but still, the anticipation was stifling me. In the scheme of it all, a few more seconds, another minute, an extra hour or two made no real difference. But I knew, and all I wanted to do was quench my thirst for her and make it official.
I bent over at the waist, placing my hands on my knees, trying to suck in some air. I felt a hand come down on my shoulder and Bentley’s voice, close to my ear, “Relax man, she’s coming. They’re just fixing a bit of a wardrobe malfunction.”
I nodded my head, letting him know I understood the situation, but from where I stood, it wasn’t making it any easier. He left me alone again and I couldn’t think about anything else but her. Ten. Counting backwards from ten to one was supposed to help with anxiety, that was what I’d always heard, but I only made it to six before I gave up. It wasn’t helping; nothing was helping. At least until I heard the first chords of music blaring through my yard.
My back straightened at the sound and I was aware that all eyes were suddenly alternating rapidly between me and the end of my yard. I heard a yelp, and Daisy, the Dalmatian puppy I bought Lotus as a surprise Valentine’s Day gift, came running full speed at me, down the aisle, pieces of silk, tulle, fake pearls, and flowers flying off her. I wasn’t sure if that was how Lotus had planned it or if it was a coincidence, but Daisy’s trail of flowers and pearls made her the perfect flower girl in my book.
She ran directly into my leg and jumped at me, begging me to pet her. I reached down and patted her soft fur, ruffling her hair a bit. Gus sneaked in from the front row and stole my little flower girl, clicking her leash onto her collar so she wouldn’t run wild. Then, it was Ruins’ turn and he walked regally and proudly, like he knew the importance of today and was determined to be on his best behavior. He approached me and I couldn’t help my smile. My boy looked handsome in his Tux, with our rings tied with a white satin ribbon to his collar.
Then it was Ben and Myra walking their way down and I couldn’t concentrate on them, because all I wanted was to see her. All I could think about was her. All I needed was her. Suddenly she was there, in yards of skin-tight silk, adorned with thousands of pearls and silver beads. My breath caught in my throat. I could have been imagining it, but I swear the sunlight lit her from behind, illuminating her in an ethereal glow and it was fitting. Everything about her was angelic.
I struggled to take in air as I watched her approach. Then she was here, before me. I knew there were a million things I wanted to say; a thousand things I should have said, but I was stuck, frozen in the daze induced by only her.
“You’re crying.” She whispered softly, so that only I could hear as she wiped tears I didn't remember shedding away from my cheek.
“You’re so beautiful.” I whispered back.
Her hand travelled to mine and she gave it a little squeeze. “Read
y?”
“Never been more ready in my life.” I replied and it was true. Never had I wanted anything more than this, right now, with her. I took in air; the air that had eluded me until she was by my side, and we turned together, ready to become one, instead of two . . . Ready to become husband and wife.
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Acknowledgments
First, I couldn’t publish my first book without thanking my husband for always being around when I need him and supporting me in my adventures, despite how crazy he thinks they are. But, as much as I love him, I know he will never read this because “books aren’t his thing.” (It’s cool, math isn’t mine!)
I would like to thank all my gals for taking the time to edit my disaster without making me cry. I appreciate the time you dedicated to making my first book baby polished and neat. I wanted to thank my girls Courtenay and Isa for constantly dealing with my book talk and loving me anyway. Also, I want to send a few hundred thanks to my sister of minds Becca for constantly helping me work through plots and repeatedly reinforcing my ideas and helping with suggestions of improvements. (As well as cracking a few whips at me!)
Last, but obviously not least, I want to thank Tee for literally teaching me everything I know in the book world and dealing with my constant questions. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend and mentor.
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