by Palmer, Dee
“Hardly. No, I was hoping we could go for a quick drink, and this might turn him on. I mean I’m practically naked under here.” I hate sounding tentative about this, but I’m more than a little out of my comfort zone.
“Shit, Finn. You could wear a used bin liner, and you’d turn most men on. What makes Dave so special you’re worried it won’t? Does he have a golden dick or something?”
“No. I just…” I hesitate as I struggle to articulate feelings I don’t really understand myself. “He’s my best friend, Hope, apart from you, obviously.”
“That’s a given. Continue.” She beams a smile which crinkles her bright green eyes and widens her even brighter painted red lips. Her wild, glorious red hair is slicked back in a severe bun, practical for work but a little harsh for her soft pixie features.
“Sometimes I feel that’s all I am. I don’t know when it happened but I worry we’ve slipped from lovers to mates, and I miss feeling…wanted…desired, you know?”
“Um… Only ever one-night stands over here, so not really.” She gives an unapologetic shrug. I didn’t really expect her to understand. Her longest relationship is with me. She was with me when, underage and out looking for fun, we snuck into club. We ran straight into Dave and his mates. In borrowed heels and the tightest dress this side of indecent, I literally fell on my arse at his feet. He owned me from that night on. I never stood a chance. I fell for him and didn’t look back. I do have my doubts about Hope, on the other hand. I don’t think she’d fall if she was hit with a fucking freight train.
“We’ve been together for a long time, Hope, and I think he’s a little bored. So I thought I’d spice things up a bit.”
“And is he making the same effort?” She purses her lips in an effort to temper her underlying objections. She does this a lot when we talk about Dave, however, this time, she’s very wrong.
“I think he’s going to do more than that.” I rush out the words with a surprised blurt of excitement, which seems to pique her interest.
“Oh really? What?” She leans in closer to me, her face mirroring my smile.
“I think he’s going to propose to me on Saturday.” I drop my mouth in mock shock. Well, not mock since I am shocked.
“Why Saturday?” Her face is unchanged. No more excitement, no less either; however, she looks a little skeptical.
“It’s his birthday, and he’s been really secretive. It’s not like him. I normally organize everything we do socially, but this time, he’s called all our friends, booked a private room at the new club on the high street. He’s even sorted the caterers. Every time I offer to help he says he’s got it covered, and all he wants from me is to say, ‘Yes’.” I clap my hands together in a rapid-fire mini applause.
“Fuck!” Now that tone is utter shock.
“I know.” I giggle and bounce on my toes. “Honestly, Hope, all this time I thought he was going off me. I know he loves me, but he really hasn’t shown much interest sexually for ages.”
Hope wrinkles her nose with distaste. “Eww…Do we have to? I can’t help having a visual when you talk details.” She sticks two fingers down her throat as if her tone isn’t enough for me to get the level of her abhorrence.
“I’m serious.” I flick the end of the tea towel and catch her with an impressive snap on her arm. She yelps and scowls, and I ignore the fiery stare. “I’ve been really busy at work, and I haven’t been to the gym in like forever. This”—I grab my squidgy midriff and then shift my hands to my size D-cups—“is not the body he signed up for.”
“What? The body from when you were sixteen, you mean? Well, no fucking shit, Sherlock. Whose body is? Listen very carefully. You are fucking hot, any size you choose to be, so don’t give me that shit. Has he actually said that, because I will cut him—”
“No! No, he hasn’t.” I wave her down as she brandishes a spoon as if it was a mighty blade of body-shaming retribution. “He wouldn’t say anything like that. But, I know image is important to him, so I’m sure it’s in the back of his mind, and I can’t help thinking—”
“The proof of the pudding is in the eating, and if he isn’t eating…” She wiggles her finger in the general direction of my crotch.
“Exactly.” I sigh. “I honestly don’t remember the last time he did that.” I mouth the last word silently.
“Too many carbs?” She lets loose an unladylike snort, and I blurt out a laugh. I love that about her; she always makes me feel better. “So the big seduction thing is a preemptive thank you…a timely reminder of how fucking lucky he is?”
“I hope so.”
“You know I fucking hate this about you? No, not you. I hate how he makes you doubt yourself. I don’t get the whole marriage thing, but I know it’s important to you and he does too. So the fact he’s kept you waiting all these years chips away at your self-esteem and you’re all, ‘Maybe I’m not attractive to him anymore. Or maybe he sees me as just a friend’. It’s billy bollocks. You fucking rock, and he’s damn lucky to have you. There are hundreds of guys who would think the same as me. You happen to have fallen in love with a bit of a dick.” She holds her hands up to signal the end of her little speech and draws in one more breath. “I’m not judging, just stating fact.”
“It’s complicated.” I shrug off her tirade, because I have heard it before, and it stings because it’s true.
“No, it’s simple, although I’m jumping down from my soapbox because, he may be a dick, but he’s your dick, and you are the only one who matters in the equation. Your happiness and you’ve wanted that white dress since we used to play dress-up when we were kids.” She steps around the kitchen island to my side and wraps her arm around my waist.
“I still love to dress-up.” I snicker, looking down at my kinky ensemble.
“The outfits have become a little dirtier—a little more leather than lace.”
Hope wiggles her brow.
“And at least I fit into the heels.” I lift up my leg to showcase my most spectacular shoes.
“Killer heels, and if they don’t seal the deal, I don’t know what will. I can guarantee it won’t be that meal you’re cooking.”
“It’s his favorite.” I try to sound offended and defend my efforts, but she’s right. Again.
“Bollocks. That’s no one’s favorite: steamed chicken, brown rice, and broccoli. Oh God, I’m going to gag.” She starts retching, and I push her away then walk over to the hob to make sure as bland as this meal is, it’s at the very least perfectly cooked. “Okay, I’m going to be off. Do you want me to meet you for lunch tomorrow? I’m working at the spa round the corner. I could pop in.” She slips her bag over her shoulder, then grabs her keys and phone from the counter.
“Depends on whether you’re coming to see me for lunch or coming to fuck my boss.” I point an accusatory wooden spoon her way, and she boldly returns my stare with no shame, a fiery spark in her eyes.
“Well, he is very fuckable.”
“Hope…” I warn.
“Fine! Lunch.” She holds her palms flat in an act of supplication. “I promise no fucking. Maybe a quick handjob, but definitely no fucking.”
So much for supplication.
She grabs her coat from the kitchen stool and makes to run from the room. Not that I could catch her with my skyscraper slingback stilettos.
“See you tomorrow. I can tell you all about it,” I call after her.
“Please don’t. I’ve only just stopped gagging from the food.” She pops her head round the door, her shoulders jerking and her cheeks puffed out holding in pretend vomit.
“Out!” I point my finger and give my dismissal in a firm and final tone.
“Love ya’, Finn.” Her reply is delivered sing-song, which always leaves me with a smile.
“HMM…SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD, RP, what’s the occasion?” Dave walks into the kitchen dropping his gym bag and briefcase. His near-black hair is still damp from the shower he would’ve taken before he left the gym. He is religious with h
is workouts, and I have to admit he looks damn good because of it. He’s not overly tall, five foot eleven. I’m five foot five, so he’s tall enough. He has wide shoulders, trim, narrow waist. His thighs are kind of weird now though, bulging and distorted with muscle mass, it makes finding jeans that fit a challenge. Every muscle from his tanned nose to his pedicured toes is toned to perfection, if a little bulky for my taste. I felt he reached perfection a few years ago, but apparently, that wasn’t perfect enough. His face is bright with a wide smile, and his jacket strains at the seams when he draws in a deep breath through his nose, capturing the aroma of the meal I have tried so desperately hard to make interesting. He strides straight past me to the fridge, grabs a bottle of water, and peers over my shoulder at the pans simmering. He ruffles my hair that I had artfully fashioned into a messy bun. I thought at the time, It is amazing how much effort is required to look effortless. “Why have you got your coat on, if we’re eating in?”
“I thought we could go out for a quick drink before dinner?” I give him a genuine, shy smile as I feel a surge of nervousness start to grip my tummy.
“Have I missed an anniversary or something?” He frowns, taking in the fact my face has little make-up and my coat isn’t all I’m wearing.
“No, I thought we could try something a little different.” I twist around so I’m now facing him, and with a boldness that surprises both me and him, I drag my leg up his thigh. The gap in the front of my coat widens and falls back, exposing my long leg, stocking, and suspender. I press the spike of my heel against his butt, impressed I can, one, get my leg up that high and, two, maintain my balance.
“You want to go out like that?” His derisive tone is as harsh as a slap in the face, but his mocking laugh is worse.
“Well, For a start, I’d quite like you to maybe not laugh at the suggestion.” I slip my leg back down. I don’t want to sound hurt or angry, or this evening will be a non-starter.
On the other hand, right now, I can’t ignore the real pain from the slice of rejection that cut deep with his response.
“I’m not laughing. I’m a little surprised, is all. This isn’t like you, RP—”
“Could you maybe not call me RP tonight?” I watch as more bemusement twists his features.
“Why? You know I don’t mean anything by it. It’s a nickname.” I can see he’s struggling to understand, but I don’t want to go into details. I want a bit of fun and a lot of intimacy.
“I know. Just maybe not tonight.” I try and keep my plea lighthearted but earnest, because it really is a shitty nickname.
“Fine. You’re acting really weird, Finn. Are you on your period?”
“Oh, my God!” I hold my breath and count silently to ten, thanking all that’s holy I don’t have a knife at hand.
“Sorry. Clearly not, although…” His accusation hangs in the air like a noose swinging silently in the gallows, along with the remainder of my surprise evening.
“Jesus, Dave.” My voice catches with an equal mix of fury and emotion.
“What? What have I done?” His tone has switched from confused to inflammatory with a tinge of aggression. “I walk in and, bam, you’re acting all weird, wanting to have sex and go outside with me, while looking like a stripper.”
“I’m weird for wanting sex?” I take a step back and cross my arms tight around my waist, covering as much of myself as I can. I still feel more than naked, utterly vulnerable.
“That’s not what I said.” He lets out a heavy sigh, his hands deep in his pockets, and he shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “Look, can we start this again, and maybe you can talk to me and tell me what the hell’s going on?” His tone softens, and I think that’s worse. I get an intense prickle at the bridge of my nose, and I have to blink to stop the tears from welling. I won’t fucking cry. I shake myself and straighten, pulling myself together.
“Fine, but I’m going to need a drink.” I grab my empty glass and the bottle of white wine from the cooler.
“Really, RP? You know that’s like a meal in itself. Do you have any idea of how many cal—” He wisely snaps his big, fat mouth shut as I spin to face him with thunder, and possibly murder in my eyes.
“If you say calories, I swear to God, Dave, this bottle is going where the sun don’t shine, and it’s not going in narrow end first.” I wave my weapon of choice at his startled face. The only words playing in my head are Hope telling me I fell in love with a bit of a dick. I pour a large glass of wine, making a childish point to fill it to the top, slurping from the lip of the glass before I can lift it. I watch Dave intently as he nervously draws small sips from his bottled water.
“Do you love me, Dave?” I hold his gaze as his eyes widen with worry.
“Is this a trick question?”
“It really isn’t.” I let out a sigh, feeling the warmth of the alcohol hit my bloodstream, calming me some. This conversation feels a little weightier than I was anticipating. I wasn’t expecting much conversation at all.
“Then yes, of course I love you. You’re my best friend, my little RP. Well, not so little.”
“Really, Dave? Is that seriously the problem here? That I’ve gained some weight?” I take another gulp.
“I was joking, and I never said that.” He has a look of mock hurt blazing across his face that I could make such an accusation.
“We hardly ever have sex, so there has to be some reason.”
“I love you, Finn. I’m not going to lie and say you are at your most beautiful now, because I personally think you’ll look more gorgeous when you lose a little weight.” He tips his head like that will soften the shallow, passive-aggressive insult.
“Just like I think you are most handsome when you’re not so bumpy with all those gross muscles.” I counter in all seriousness.
“No, but joking aside, Finn…” He barely gives my insult any recognition, and he certainly thinks it was a joke. “…you’re a very beautiful woman, and I’m a lucky guy.” He steps forward and sweeps his arms around me, pulling me close and holding me tight. This is all I wanted, to be held…well, held and some cock. I’ll take being embraced over indifference.
“And the sex?” I push, because, actually, I would really like some cock. I think I’ve healed over.
“I guess I’ve just had a lot on at work, and I know this might come as a shock, but guys don’t think about sex every five minutes.” He laughs out loud and playfully taps me on the nose. I’m not entirely convinced, but he holds my gaze, and I do see the love in his dark hazel eyes. It’s always been him, even if he can be a bit of a dick.
“So, we’re good?” I ask and grind a little against his erection, which is most definitely just as keen as I am.
“We’re more than good, Finn. You are my perfect woman, and on Saturday, I’m going to prove it.”
“Saturday?” I ask, hoping for more, then not. I’m all tingly with the anticipation, and I kind of like the feeling.
“Nuh-uh. I’m not saying another thing.” He kisses the tip of my nose, then my cheek. His lips brush mine, and as soon as I open my mouth to take a little more, he withdraws everything. His heat and his body. I sag from the loss, but he takes my hand. ”Come here.” He pulls me over to the kitchen island and slides his hands over my shoulders, squeezing the tense muscles and massaging with just the right amount of pressure to make me moan. What am I saying? I’m so horny a gust of wind would make me moan.
“I’m starving,” he declares, and all ministrations cease. I tip my head up to meet his gaze. He has a relaxed smile, and I sigh, a little defeated but only a slight amount. I still have Saturday.
“So, do you want your dinner now?” My hope that he wants to give me more flatlines with his answer.
“Yes! Then you can give me a blowjob, how about that?” Talk about throwing the dog a bone.
“AND I TAKE IT YOU bit his dick off, and we’re off to visit him in hospital so your best friend can laugh her arse off.” Hope has her arm threaded through m
ine as we head back to the salon where I work as an artistic director, second to the owner, Carlos. I’m a hairdresser. I can polish it up however I like, but I’m a stylist, a fucking good one at the best damn Salon in Chelsea, London—most probably the whole of the UK if you believe Carlos’s hype.
“I shouldn’t have told you. It always sounds worse when I say it out loud. I like giving blowjobs. I mean I got off so, it was a win for me too.” I sound feeble even to my own ears. When did I become so pathetic?
“But that’s not what you were hoping for, right? For the evening, I mean. So, it wasn’t a win, by any stretch. Where the fuck is your backbone?” She’s keeping her tone remarkably soft, considering the furious glare sparkling in her green eyes.
“It will be a win on Saturday,” I mumble.
“You’d say yes? After that? I mean, after everything you’ve told me, you’d still say yes?” She stops in her tracks and faces me, utter astonishment shining from her pale complexion.
“I love him, Hope, and he loves me. No relationship is smooth sailing. Everyone’s shit stinks. At the end of the day, though, he picked me.” I can’t hide the catch in my voice. “I’ve never been picked for anything. Parents, foster care, even my grandmother didn’t really pick me. I was dumped there. I know marriage isn’t the be-all end-all, but it means someone wants to commit their life to me forever. Dave wants me.”
‘“Even if one in two marriages end in divorce.” She throws out a random statistic which happens to suit her argument.
“Yeah, even then, because for now and for each day in our one-day-at-a-time relationship, he has chosen me.” I nod in affirmation with a little ‘so-there’ thrown in.
“You get the partner you deserve, Finn, and right now, he’s being a dick, and you’re being a doormat.”
