by Alexa Land
I lay there for a long time, cocooned in blankets, trying to think through my problems. And every time I heard a siren, which was often in this city, I flinched, my heart rate speeding up, my body going into high alert. I felt like a fugitive, with this irrational fear that the police were going to track me down and drag me back to the station.
So when a loud knock rattled my front door, I leapt out of bed like a shot. I knew I was being stupid. The police had no way of tracking me down, unless Kieran had second thoughts and turned me in. But that would get him in all sorts of trouble, so it wasn’t likely.
I opened the door to Kieran, and we both just watched each other for a long moment. Finally, I stepped back and he came into the apartment. He was in full uniform right down to the gun, which made me more than a little uncomfortable. A radio receiver on his shoulder made it clear he was still on duty.
He was obviously angry, which instantly put me on the defensive. I already felt so ashamed at how he’d found me, my emotions on edge after the day I’d had. I was sure he was going to tell me off, as if I needed someone to lecture me about how wrong it was to work as a hooker.
“Tell me they made a mistake,” he said. “Tell me you’re not a prostitute.”
“There was no mistake,” I said quietly.
He absorbed that for a beat, then took hold of my chin, turning my injured cheek toward him. His voice was low when he asked, “Who hurt you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled.
“Did one of the arresting officers do this to you?”
“What difference does it make?”
“Was it Jorgensen? Big white guy with a crew cut?”
I stepped back from him, pulling out of his grasp and wrapping my arms around myself. “I have no idea what his name was.”
“So this was done to you by a police officer.”
“I tried to run,” I said. “It was stupid. That got me thrown against a wall, which is when my face got banged up. The cop didn’t smack me around or anything, if that’s your concern.” Kieran swore under his breath, and I mumbled, “I really don’t know what difference it makes. What am I going to do, press charges? Like anything would happen to him. The police don’t care when boys like me get hurt. No one does.”
“I care.” When I didn’t respond to that, he asked, “Have you had run-ins with the police before? Is that why you were so uncomfortable when you found out what I did for a living?”
I looked up at him and frowned. “I’d never been taken into custody before, and it probably wouldn’t have happened tonight either if my head had been in the game. I have had to deal with the police before, though.”
“That can’t be uncommon in your line of work.”
I stared at him for a long moment, then said, “It wasn’t while I was working. A little over a year ago I was drugged, raped, and almost beaten to death while on the job. The officer that came to take my statement when I was in the hospital was sweet as could be. Right up until the moment I told him I was a prostitute.”
His eyes went wide, his lips parting slightly. I ground my teeth together before continuing, “It was really special to watch the way his eyes glazed over, to notice how he stopped taking notes as soon as he found out what I was. His entire attitude changed, the way he talked to me, the way he looked at me. It was like I stopped being a person to him. What had been done to me didn’t really seem to matter anymore.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he said, his tone softening.
“What part?”
“All of it. Did they ever find the person that hurt you?”
“Hell no. They probably barely investigated.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know no one ever followed up with me. And no one was caught. Because like I said, cops don’t give a shit about what happens to boys like me.”
Kieran stared at me for a long moment, a little muscle working in his jaw. He crossed his arms over his chest, and finally said in a low voice, “I want you to explain it to me.”
“Explain what?”
“Explain how a boy as smart and beautiful and talented as you could sell yourself for sex. Explain to me how you could treat yourself like that.”
“I don’t have to explain anything to you.” I was definitely on the defensive, bracing myself, waiting for him to start yelling at me.
Even though he was angry, he kept his voice level as he said, “I need to understand this. I need to understand how the most amazing guy I’ve ever met lets himself get fucked for money. Because honestly? That’s the most baffling thing I’ve ever come across in my entire life.”
I muttered, “It’s not like I had a lot of career options as a fifteen-year-old runaway.”
“Oh God,” he said softly. I hadn’t been looking for pity, and I really didn’t want to offer him excuses. But that was the truth of it.
I said, “It was a question of survival back then. And yeah, I kept doing it, because really, what difference did it make if I sold myself a little or a lot? I was already a whore, so I kept turning tricks. It pays for school and it keeps a roof over my head, and I really don’t need you judging me for it. I already judge myself plenty.”
“I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to understand.”
“I don’t need you to understand this, Kieran. Just like I don’t need to understand how the fuck you’re a cop. I don’t need to understand how you can be a part of a group of people that can come and take a statement from a boy in the hospital, a boy that was almost beaten to death, who’s so fucking scared and severely injured, and treat him like garbage because of what he’s had to do to survive!” I really didn’t want to lash out at Kieran, but it was so hard to separate him from every other cop I’d ever had to deal with as he stood there in that uniform.
“That was one individual! We’re not all like that. I would never treat a victim that way, not in a million years!”
“I know that.” We stood there awkwardly for a long moment, and eventually I blurted, “Why did you help me tonight, Kieran? Why did you risk your job like that?”
“I had to. When I saw you there, I didn’t think, I just reacted.” He looked away. “I’ve never done anything like that. You’re right that I risked my job. But I had to. I didn’t have it in me to leave you there, not when you looked so fragile, with your shirt torn and your face bruised and bloody—”
“I’m not fragile. There’s nothing fragile about me,” I insisted, instantly back on the defensive. “And I didn’t need you to swoop in and save me.”
Kieran sighed in frustration. “Come on, Christopher. Is it really so hard to admit you needed me tonight?”
“I don’t need anyone,” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around myself.
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“It’s the truth. I’ve taken care of myself since I was a kid.”
“You call this taking care of yourself?”
“I’ve done the best I could.” I tried to sound strong, but my voice shook a little. Kieran’s expression softened and he started to reach for me, but I pulled back and said emphatically, “It may not look like it to you, but I’m doing ok. I’m surviving. I don’t need anyone, and that’s just the way I want it.”
He said quietly, “If you don’t need anyone, then I don’t know what I’m doing here.” He started to leave, swinging the front door open. But then he paused and turned back to me. “But did you ever stop to consider the fact that maybe I need you? I need you so fucking much that it scares the shit out of me, and if you think that’s easy for me to admit, you’re dead wrong. And, I don’t know, maybe I helped you tonight as much for myself as for you.” He left the apartment, the door clicking shut behind him.
I stared after him for a long moment. He needed me?
Kieran needed me.
Those words had a huge impact on me. I felt protective of him all of a sudden, and completely remorseful for acting so defensive. I’d been so caught up in my own drama tha
t I hadn’t even stopped to consider his feelings in any of this. I flung the door open and stepped into the hall. “Kieran, wait!”
He stopped walking, even as he asked, “Why?”
I said softly, “Come back. Please?”
“My dinner break was over ten minutes ago. I have to go back to work.” He remained rooted in place, though.
“Thank you for getting me out of there.”
He looked over his shoulder and watched me for a long moment, then said, “You’re welcome.”
“I don’t know how to repay you for what you did.”
“Who says you need to repay me?”
“I do. I was so scared tonight. And what you did for me…it was huge, Kieran. My whole life, I’ve tried so hard to be self-reliant, to make sure I never depended on anyone. But now I feel indebted to you, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
“I really don’t expect anything in return.”
“I know, but still.”
“I have to go back to work,” he said again, his expression unreadable. I wanted to go to him and take him in my arms. But I didn’t know if he’d pull away from me, and I would hate it so much if he did. So I stayed where I was.
I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself, and he slid a little switch on the receiver on his shoulder and spoke into it, reporting that he was back on duty. He took a long look at me before turning and heading down the hall.
I was laying in the dark, staring at the ceiling when my phone rang sometime in the middle of the night. I glanced at Kieran’s name on the screen and answered with a quiet, “Hi.”
“Hi. Did I wake you?”
“No. I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me neither.”
“I’m sorry about earlier, Kieran. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you.”
“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have come over like that and confronted you, not when I was so upset and angry.”
“I should have told you sooner how I made a living,” I said. “You had a right to know.”
He was quiet for a few moments before saying, “What are we going to do about this, Christopher?”
“What do you mean?”
“A cop dating a prostitute. How do we make that work?” he asked.
I sat up in bed. “You still want to date me? Are you kidding?”
“You’re all I think about, and that’s been the case since the moment I met you. Your career choice might piss me off, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
I grinned a little and swung out of bed, wandering into the living room. “Right back at ya.”
He chuckled and said, “My career choice pisses you off?”
“A little bit, yeah. Even though I know that’s just me being prejudiced. It’s wrong to judge the whole lot of you by a few assholes.”
“Given the way you were treated, both today and after your assault, I get it. I think I’d hate cops too, if I was in your shoes.”
“I don’t hate cops. I merely dislike and distrust them. But that’s never applied to you,” I said as I paced slowly around the living room.
“Good to know.” After a pause, he said, “I want to reopen your case, Christopher. If the investigating officer didn’t give it due diligence, it needs to be reexamined. The man that hurt you needs to be behind bars.”
“Do you have the authority to do that?”
“No, but my Uncle Ray does. He’s a senior detective, he could easily reopen the case if I asked him.”
I perched on the windowsill in the living room and rested my head against the glass, a little shiver going through me. “Maybe you shouldn’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” I said softly, “Even if you find him, your only evidence is the testimony of a hooker. Think that’s going to stand up in court?”
“We have to try. There might be other victims, he could still be hurting people.”
“Oh God, what if that’s true?”
“I’m going to reopen the case.”
After a pause, I said quietly, “Ok. I’ll do whatever I can to help you catch this guy.”
“Did you ever meet with a police sketch artist?”
“No, but there’s really no reason to do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can draw him for you more accurately than any sketch artist. I know exactly what he looks like.”
“Really? You remember him clearly, even months later?” he asked.
“I have recurring nightmares about what he did to me, so I constantly recall what he looks like. I wasn’t…I wasn’t unconscious yet when he….” The lump in my throat cut me off.
“Jesus,” Kieran whispered.
I was still perched on the windowsill, and noticed a rusty Mustang parked across the street. When I shifted my position, I saw a familiar shape silhouetted on the front steps of my building, holding a phone to his ear. I wondered why Kieran hadn’t come up and knocked on my door.
I said, “Am I going to have to come down to the station if you reopen the case? Because after my abrupt departure earlier tonight, maybe that’s not the best idea. The douchebag that arrested me might recognize me.”
“That’s another thing. Jorgensen shouldn’t get away with injuring you. He’s always teetered right on the line when it comes to excessive force.”
“We can’t do anything about that, Kieran,” I said. “Not without calling attention to the fact that you broke the rules and turned your boyfriend loose after he was arrested.”
“Boyfriend?” he repeated. I could hear the smile in his voice.
The color rose in my cheeks. “I didn’t even realize I’d said that.”
“That’s what I want, though. We’re already so much more than friends with benefits. Aren’t we?”
“Yes. Although I don’t have an answer to your earlier question. I have no idea how a cop and a rent boy date. Actually, I’ve never had any idea how a prostitute could date anyone without the job being a major issue.”
“You’ll just have to quit.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Of course it is.”
I sighed and rested my forehead against the glass again. “If I quit, then I have to drop out of school. Sutherlin costs a small fortune. And I made a promise to myself that I was going to finish my education, no matter what. I’m not going back on that, not even for you.”
“What about student loans?”
“Not eligible.”
“So, borrow what you need to pay your tuition from me. I inherited some money when my dad died. It’s probably more than enough to see you through.”
“Thanks, but no. I don’t do that.”
“Borrow money? Why not?” After a beat he added, “Wait, don’t tell me. It’s part of that ‘I don’t need anyone’ thing you’ve got going on, right?”
“I don’t.”
“Everyone needs other people. The expression is no man is an island. It’s not no man is an island except Christopher Andrews. And needing other people doesn’t make you weak, or vulnerable, or whatever it is you’re worried about. It just makes you human.”
“I’ve been let down in the past. Whenever I depended on others, they failed me drastically. I never want to be in the position of relying on anyone ever again.”
“I can swear that I’ll never let you down, but I don’t expect you to believe me.”
I said softly, “Come upstairs, Kieran.”
He glanced over his shoulder and saw me at the window. For a long moment neither of us moved, just staring at each other across the distance. Finally he got up and disappeared from sight.
I was waiting for him in the open doorway to my apartment. When he reached me, Kieran stopped right in front of me, watching me for a long moment. And then he tilted my chin up gently and kissed me.
I took his hand and led him to the bedroom, and he kicked his shoes off before getting under the covers fully clothed. Immediately, we gravitated into each other’s arms. We were bot
h quiet for a while, his fingertips idly tracing my spine through the three layers of clothing I was wearing. Eventually I whispered, “I have absolutely no idea how you and I are going to make this work.”
“Me neither. But we’ll figure it out.”
“I hope so.”
He looked up at me. “You do?”
“I want you, Kieran. Even though I don’t think I’m capable of being in a relationship, of truly trusting someone and letting them get close to me.”
“But you want this. You want me,” he said softly.
“Yes. God, so much.”
“So that’s our starting point.” He kissed my cheek and settled comfortably into my arms.
Chapter Twelve
I awoke before Kieran and watched him sleep for a while, before leaning in and kissing him gently. He grinned, eyes still closed, and returned the kiss. We spent a long time like this, wrapped up in each other’s arms, our kisses sweet and unhurried. Finally he opened his eyes just a little, his expression blissful and content, and said, “Hi baby.”
“Hi.” I smiled at him and leaned in and kissed him again, hugging his body to mine. I felt so good right in that moment, so calm and relaxed, the nightmare of yesterday pushed so far back that it almost felt like it had happened to someone else. It would have been wonderful to spend the whole day right here, just like this.
But we were soon interrupted by enthusiastic, rhythmic knocking. I rolled out of bed and opened the front door to find Hunter beaming at me. “Never fear, your muse is here,” he announced, sweeping past me into the apartment. He was again dressed all in black, a sleek leather messenger bag resting against his narrow hips.
“What time is it?”
“Ten a.m., sunshine. You know, you have the most out of control bedhead ever,” he said with a big smile, reaching out and rumpling my curls. “It’s awesome.”
“I hate morning people,” I said with a grin.
“But you love me.” He was still flashing his perfect smile.
“Yes, but I’ll have to rethink that if you persist with this alarming level of perkiness. Why are you so happy today, anyway?”
