by Alexa Land
“Kieran, I know you mean well. But I’m afraid that if I try to fix this, it’ll end up getting worse. What happens if I start to reject the crackers? What if I end up being unable to eat anything at all?”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I believe in you. I believe you’re strong enough to beat this thing. Little by little, you can overcome it. I absolutely know that for a fact.” He held my gaze steadily.
And after a long moment, I said, “Give me the apple.”
He cut a thin sliver, and I took it from him and put it on my tongue. I didn’t even try to swallow it. I just enjoyed the freshness and sweetness of it for a few moments, before taking it out of my mouth with my fingertips and putting it in the bowl. I felt stupid, but Kieran looked absolutely delighted.
We tried this several more times with the different foods he’d brought. I was doubtful that this would actually lead to overcoming my phobia, but getting to taste things I’d missed for over a year was actually pretty wonderful. Finally he took the bowl from me and said with a smile, “You did great. I think that’s plenty for one night.”
“You’re right.”
We both leaned back against the windshield, and he ate the rest of the apple while I opened my crackers and ate them slowly. “Is this the show you promised me?” I asked with a smile, gesturing at the view. The city sparkled all around us, gaudy and beautiful.
“Yup. Best show you’ll find anywhere,” he said.
We leaned against each other and he peeled back the cover on a kids’ pudding pack, the kind parents put in school lunches, and dove in with a plastic spoon.
“As long as I’m being a pain in the ass about your eating thing,” he said, “can I ask if you ever called any of those clinics in the printout I left for you a few weeks ago?”
“No. Thank you for doing that, by the way, but I had already researched all those places. It’s like I said before, I’m afraid of someone tinkering with it and getting it wrong.”
“You let me tinker with it just now, and I couldn’t be less qualified. Would you please consider giving one of those places a call?”
“Aren’t you going to make me feel guilty about it by adding ‘for me’?”
“Nope. You wouldn’t be doing it for me. You’d be doing it for you. And you owe it to yourself to beat this thing. I know you’re hungry all the time. I know you’re often light-headed, but try to pretend you’re fine. I know you live in fear of getting worse. And baby, you deserve so much better than that. You deserve to let yourself heal.”
I mulled that over, absently running a fingertip over the rim of the chocolate pudding cup in his hand and sticking it in my mouth. “I guess…I guess a phone call wouldn’t hurt,” I finally conceded.
Kieran flashed me a huge smile. “Do you realize what you just did?”
“Agreed to make a phone call?”
“Yes. And you just put some pudding in your mouth and swallowed it.”
My eyes went wide. “Oh my God. I didn’t even realize I did that.” After a moment, a smile spread across my face.
“There’s hope, Christopher. There is absolutely, one hundred percent, no doubt about it hope.” He looked so happy as he grabbed me in a hug.
“This was a ton of progress for just one night. Maybe I am ready to face this.”
“I’ll be with you every step of the way, baby,” he said, then kissed my forehead as I snuggled against him.
We watched the lights of the city for a while, and eventually he said, “So, your twenty-first birthday’s coming up in just a few days, and I had an idea for how we might celebrate it.”
“We don’t need to do anything special.”
“Sure we do. Your birthday falls on a Saturday, and I thought it’d be nice if we went up to the cabin for the weekend. I already asked for the days off, I want to spend the whole weekend with you no matter what we do, but I’m hoping you’ll say yes to Tahoe.”
“That sounds perfect actually, I’d love to go back there. But please don’t make a fuss. I don’t need a present or anything.”
“Try and stop me,” he said, and when I shot him a look, he smiled and winked at me. Then he swung off the hood of the car and leaned in the driver’s side door, turning on the radio. After spinning the dial for a few moments, big band music filled the air. He came around to my side of the car and held out his hand. “Dance with me, Christopher.”
I grinned at that and slid off the hood. “I really don’t know how to dance.”
“Me neither. So we’ll make it up as we go along.” He gathered me into his arms, and I hugged him and rested my head against his chest as we swayed to the music, a gentle breeze stirring my hair.
After a while, he said quietly, “I love you so much, Christopher.”
“I love you too.”
“When you told me that today, it was the happiest moment of my entire life. I just want you to know that.”
“Thanks for not running in terror.” I grinned and stretched up to kiss his cheek.
“Nope, no running. I’m right where I want to be.”
I held him a little tighter and said softly, “So am I.”
Chapter Twenty
Tahoe had received a fresh blanket of snow the day before we arrived, the white hills and mountains a beautiful complement to the deep blue lake. It was my birthday weekend. We had just piled out of the Mustang, stretching after the long drive, and Kieran went around to the trunk and draped a backpack over one shoulder, then lifted out a huge, long, gift-wrapped box, grunting a little from the effort.
“Ok, whatever that is, it’s way too much!” I exclaimed.
He grinned at me. “No it’s not. Hey, can you grab my keys and get the door?”
I slid the keys off his index finger and said, “If you can barely lift it, you know I won’t be able to budge it. Whatever it is.”
“You won’t have to.”
I went ahead of Kieran and unlocked the cabin, then held the door open for him and flipped on a light switch, and he went inside and set the box on the low coffee table. I almost expected it to collapse under the weight. “That box is part two of your present,” he told me as he went to a wall unit and turned on the heat in the cabin, then knelt down and got the fire going in the big stone fireplace.
“I hope part one was the trip to the cabin.”
“Nope.”
“Oh no. I hope you didn’t spend more money on me.”
He shot me a big smile as he stood up and pulled his blue sweater and t-shirt off over his head. “I didn’t spend any money at all on phase one of your gifts.”
“Well, that’s good. And aren’t you freezing? It’s so cold in here.”
He pulled off his shoes and socks, then reached for his belt, his eyes glinting mischievously. “It’ll warm up really fast in here. Especially when I explain to you what phase one is.” He dropped his pants and boxers, and came to stand right in front of me. Then he sank to his knees and looked up at me as he said, “I’m yours, Christopher. That’s always true, actually. But this weekend, it means I’m giving myself to you as your own personal boy toy. Do whatever you want to me. I belong to you completely.” He smiled at me as arousal washed through me.
I grinned at that. “Ok, the first thing I’m going to do with my boy toy is get him under the covers before he gets frostbite. Come to bed.”
“Yes sir.” He jumped up and preceded me into the bedroom, then quickly got a fire going in the second fireplace before heading to the bed.
I’d intended to just cuddle him, but as I pulled him to me and kissed him, running my hands up his broad back, my cock stirred to life. I cupped his perfect butt and licked his earlobe, and he said, “By the way, I went to my doctor’s office and had an STD test last week. I’m clean. So, if you ever decided you wanted to be done with the condoms, I’d be more than willing.”
“I got tested too actually, just a few days ago. But no way will we stop using
condoms.”
His brow instantly creased with concern. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m clean too. I get tested every three months because I’m kind of paranoid about it, and have always tested negative. But as recently as a few weeks ago I was a prostitute, so condoms are mandatory.”
“Have you had unprotected sex?”
“No.”
“I guess I’m confused. If we both tested negative for STDs and we’re monogamous now, why would we still need protection?”
“Well, something could still show up, as far as six months down the road.”
“I know the statistics though, and the chances of that happening are incredibly slim.”
“Still though, I’m not about to take unnecessary chances with your health.”
He knit his brows in concern as he looked at me closely. I didn’t know what else he saw in my face, but he asked gently, “There’s more than that going on here, isn’t there?”
I didn’t even know if I could explain it. I sat up, and after a pause murmured, “I know I tested clean, but I don’t feel clean. I don’t know if I ever will again. Maybe I’ll never stop feeling like I whore.”
“Baby—”
“You shouldn’t let a whore fuck you without a condom. Not now, not ever.”
“You’re not a whore.”
“I am. And I’m not good enough for you, Kieran,” I blurted.
He gathered me in his arms, resting his head on my shoulder. After a moment, I relaxed slightly and I reached up and began caressing his hair. “Please don’t talk that way about the man I love,” he said softly. “You’re not a whore, and you’re more than good enough. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”
“I don’t get how you could possibly love me,” I admitted.
“What brought this on all of a sudden?”
“Just…God, the thought of having sex with you without protection. It made me feel like I should come with a warning label.” He sighed quietly, his arms still around me, and I said, “I’m so sorry I lied to you. I should have told you what I was the day of Charlie’s wedding, before you brought me here for the first time. It was really deceitful and selfish on my part. You had a right to know you were bringing a prostitute to your family’s cabin.”
“I wasn’t bringing a prostitute. That’s what your job was, but it’s not who you are. I brought Christopher Robin Andrews to this cabin, a sweet, beautiful boy that I was drawn to from the moment I laid eyes on him.”
“Even that was a lie, Andrews isn’t even my real last name. Although I did file the paperwork to legally change it last week. But my point is, I wasn’t honest with you, and I feel terrible about that.”
“Well, don’t.”
A felt a little shiver go through him. He was completely naked, and the cabin hadn’t warmed up yet. I grabbed the big comforter, then went over to the fireplace with it and said, “Come here, Kieran, it’s a lot warmer over here.” I knelt down on the rug and held the blanket open for him, and he crossed the room to me and snuggled in my arms.
“And you wonder why I fell in love with you,” he murmured as he put his head on my shoulder and I wrapped him up, then kissed the top of his head and held him securely.
“I love you, Kieran. I just…I wish I had more to offer you. You’re so sweet, and so good. God, you’re perfect, and I—”
“You know, I’m really not. And actually, that reminds me that there’s something I need to tell you. I went to my police captain and turned myself in, I told him that I’d let a suspect walk because he was a friend of mine.”
“Me? The day I got caught in that police sting and taken to the station?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry, I’m not naming names, you won’t be brought back in.”
“Oh God, Kieran.”
“I know what I did was wrong, I violated the law. And I wouldn’t change a thing. Given it to do over again, I would always choose to help you, no matter what. But as a police officer, I just…I couldn’t break the law and not expect to face the consequences.”
“What’s going to happen?”
“I face disciplinary action next week. I have a hearing on Tuesday in front of an in-house committee.”
“Could they arrest you for turning me loose?”
“They could, but that’s pretty unlikely.”
“Could you lose your job?”
“Yeah. But I still wouldn’t change anything.”
I asked, “Would it help if I turned myself in?”
“No. And really, if you did that, then this was all for nothing.”
“Why are you willing to bend the law for me, but not for yourself?”
He looked up at me and said, “I’m not supposed to make judgment calls like this as a police officer, but honestly? I think the prostitution laws in the state of California are unjust, and I think that sting operation was one technicality away from entrapment. Thinking that makes me a lousy cop, and should show you there’s nothing perfect about me.”
“What are you going to do if they take your badge? You love being a cop.”
“You know, given what I just said, maybe I don’t deserve the badge. It’s not my place to question, I’m just supposed to uphold the law. All of them, not just the ones I agree with.”
“It breaks my heart that you could lose your badge because of me.”
Kieran sat up and turned to face me. “No. Christopher, I could lose my badge because of me. I’m the one that chose to turn you loose, it was my decision and mine alone. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“But what are you going to do if you can’t be a cop anymore?”
“I’ve been thinking about that. Maybe I’d go to law school, and afterwards try to get a job in the public defender’s office. That wouldn’t be a bad thing. As this incident has shown me, maybe I’m just not cut out to be a cop after all.”
I shook my head. “You’re exactly what the police department needs. You’re compassionate and kind and understanding, and there need to be more cops like you on the force, not fewer.”
He stretched out on the rug, putting his head in my lap. “Thanks for saying that. But it’s out of my hands now. I’m glad I turned myself in, I just couldn’t live with that hanging over me. And if I do get booted off the force, well, it’s not the end of the world.”
“But you’ll be so disappointed. I know you will. And what will your family say?”
“They’ll be disappointed in me, too, of course. But I’m a grown-up, I can deal with it.”
I was quiet for a while, stroking his hair. Then I said, “Speaking of your family, you never told me how they reacted to the fact that you’re dating a prostitute.”
“Uncle Ray didn’t tell anyone else, actually. Jamie didn’t either. And you’re not a prostitute anymore, baby.”
“Yeah…but it’s like I was saying before, I guess it’s not something that you ever really leave behind. I still feel the same. I’m starting to think the stain is permanent.”
“You’re not stained. You just need more time to adjust, to really accept the fact that you never have to go back to that life and finally let it go. It really is in the past. And the past only has power over us if we let it.”
“True…although letting go of the past is so much easier said than done. It has such a hold over me, not just the prostitution but a lot of other stuff, too. There are so many wounds that are still so raw, and I kind of wonder if they’ll ever fully heal.”
He rolled onto his back so he was looking up at me, his head still in my lap, and asked gently, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I looked into the fire for a while, then said, “There’s one big thing in particular, something I never told you about. I’ve never talked about it with anyone, actually.” I paused again before saying, “When I ran away from home at fifteen, part of that was to get away from my father. We had such a volatile relationship, it was really toxic. But he wasn’t the real reason I ran
.”
“What else were you running from?”
“The memory of my first, and before you, only boyfriend. It had been so hard to let him get close to me. I carry the scar of my mom’s suicide right at the surface, and it was even more raw back then. I feel like she abandoned me,” I admitted. “And that feeling made it hard to trust people. But I was drawn to Jason, despite my fears. He made me believe he would take care of me, that he’d always be there for me.”
Tears prickled at the back of my eyes, but I held them back. Kieran sat up and took both my hands in his, the blanket falling from his shoulders. He didn’t ask, he didn’t prompt. He just waited patiently. After a while, I said, “I was a freshman when he and I got together, first as friends. He was two years older, a jock, one of the popular kids – in the hierarchy of high school, he was a god and I was nonexistent.
“I was so flattered when he started paying attention to me, when he wanted us to hang out. It was shocking the first time he kissed me, but it made me so happy. Shortly after that, he said he wanted to have sex with me. I was so caught in his spell that I didn’t question it. I thought I was in love with him, but at that age, I don’t know if I even understood what that meant.”
I was quiet for a few moments, then said softly, “I’d never slept with anyone before, and he’d never had anal sex. He took me without preparing me in any way, and with just a little spit for lubrication. He just didn’t know better, I didn’t either. I cried all the way through it, and bled for days afterward. But I let him fuck me again and again. I would have let him do anything he wanted to me.”
“God, I’m sorry.”
I smiled just a little and said, “This isn’t actually the bad part of the story. This is just the wow-was-I-stupid part.” I looked at our joined hands and said, “We kept our relationship a secret from everyone, because that’s what he wanted. We snuck around for five months, and even though he didn’t want anyone to know about us, he started to take chances. We hadn’t been caught, so that made him feel overconfident. He started having me suck him at school – in the stall of the boy’s bathroom, at the back of the library, in the equipment room in the gym.
