“Oh, I think I’m pretty sure about that.” She sighed.
“Well, you’ve already crossed the border, faced down evil, and ransomed your mother,” Dani said reasonably. “How much scarier can it get?”
Erin blew out a breath. “You know…I don’t really want to know the answer to that question.”
Chapter 29
“You’re kind of getting on my nerves, you know. She’s going to show up.”
Zander glanced at his sister, who was leaning up against the railing of their gazebo, a glass of lemonade in her hand. “Sure, because you guys are besties now and you know her every waking thought?”
“No, because I’m female. I know the type.”
“Right.” The toddlers were safely over at their other grandma’s house, having spent most of the afternoon indulging in the “kid-friendly” portion of the Jameses’ summer party. He’d never realized there was so much to consider in hosting a backyard barbeque, but of course his mom had it all down to a science. Now there were roughly two dozen of their neighbors and friends milling around the backyard, laughing and talking. Once again, the Jameses’ house was filled with sound, which possessed its own healing properties, he supposed.
He’d spent two hours last evening with Jackson’s physician before finally being pronounced intact. Today he’d spent an interminable amount of time wanting to see Erin, and it seemed he still had to wait. It was already eight o’clock, night was beginning to fall, and Erin was still a no-show.
Zander sighed, answering the question that his sister wasn’t asking. “I don’t think she’ll show because I was kind of harsh with her. And she never responded to my text about the party. I don’t even know if she got it.” This was part of why he’d never texted Erin, written to her, or emailed her, back when he’d left the first time. The uncertainty of not knowing how his message would be received, or even if it would be received. Received and more important, understood.
That and the fact that he’d felt so betrayed those first few weeks. So mind-numbingly, cripplingly betrayed that he’d had to work just to breathe. So betrayed that the strain of basic training had been a blessed relief from the chaos going on in his brain.
“You’re ridiculous.” Karen rolled her eyes. “She just got home from the scariest situation in her life, Zander. She’s not trained. She hasn’t even read about being trained. She’s probably done nothing but sleep.”
“Not true. She went to work this morning.” As soon as he said the words, he knew his mistake. Karen pounced on it, too.
“Oh, God. Now you’re stalking her.” She snickered. “Classy.”
Zander shrugged. “I wanted to check on her. She looked fine. Walked into that high-class art gallery of hers without a hair out of place.” He rubbed his hands through his own hair, already feeling that it was getting too long. He’d be smote by desert heat soon enough. He needed to get it shorn off. “So it’s all done, then. I guess we said everything we needed to say.”
“Well, that’s a bummer,” Karen said mildly. “Because she just came around the side of the house.”
Zander’s head snapped up. He saw Erin immediately and was off the steps that quickly, striding toward her through the knots of people who seemed to fade away now that she was here. She was gripping a small purse and he smiled. Had it really only been Monday that she’d showed up looking almost equally nervous, except that time she’d left her purse in her car?
She saw him and smiled back, her chin coming up. She gave the impression of being brave, of facing the music, and his heart seemed to beat a little funny in his chest—too quick, too hard. “Hey there,” he said, stopping a few steps short of her, when all he wanted to do was reach out and hold her close. “Thanks for coming.”
“Thanks for inviting me.” The tension hung between them in the air, almost a living thing, but he couldn’t help staring at her. She was wearing a simple summer dresslike thing, clingy in all the right places, and that gave him confidence. The dress she’d worn to the funeral had looked like something out of a fifties movie. “Um…” Erin continued when he didn’t speak. “So how’s everything going?”
He grinned at her. “It’s going well. Come inside, I want to show you something.” He held out his arm and Erin took it, and they wandered through the crowd, scooping up lemonades that they ignored. His mom was there, his family. Even Mr. Jackson, who smiled at Zander and nodded, not missing Erin on his arm. They’d already talked, and Zander was comfortable with his choice. More comfortable than he would have thought possible, actually.
He tugged Erin up the back porch stairs and into the house, standing aside as his sister angled past with yet more lemonade. She had the good sense to keep her smirk averted from Erin, at least, and then they were inside, the house seeming different now with Erin there.
“Zander, where are you taking me?” she asked as he led her through the kitchen and down the hallway. Not to his room, though. He wanted her in the front parlor, the room they never used. Even now, with a house full of people, it stood perfect and empty, as if waiting for the president to stop by. It was still one of his favorite places, though. All dark, muted colors, vintage photos of military planes, and books in perfectly polished bookcases. He used to imagine meeting the president in here, himself, once upon a time. It was just the kind of room that played to important conversations.
“Have a seat.” He gestured Erin to the closest chair before sitting. And then he just stared at Erin for a second, taking in the image of her. She was just so bright and perfect, and his heart hurt so badly every time he looked at her that he wondered how he’d ever survived four years without seeing her face. He reached out and took hold of her hands, relishing the little jump she gave when their fingers touched. “I’m glad you came out here, today, Erin,” he said. “I really hoped you would.”
—
Erin stared into Zander’s face, completely at sea. What was Zander going to say to her that was so important that he brought her to this room? It was the most formal room in the house, and she didn’t think she’d ever sat inside it before. Had he learned where he was shipping off to? Was it somewhere she could even find on a map? “Of course, Zander,” she said, going for light and casual in the face of his earnest gaze. “Is everything okay? Your family—I expect they’re glad to have the time to spend with you finally, now that I stopped monopolizing you?”
“Ha! You could say that.” Then, finally, Zander grinned, and the tension eased between them. “Sort of on pins and needles, though, since Mr. Jackson has been after me to leave the service, and they’re too nervous to ask me what I’m doing yet.”
“Oh, I bet.” Erin bit her lip. She was sort of nervous about that, too. But no time like the present, right? And she couldn’t stand not knowing anymore. “Have you made up your mind about all of that?”
“I have,” he said, his words serious, steady. As if he’d made his decision a long time since, and he just needed to tell her, to check that box as well, to move on with his life. Erin’s smile faltered a little, her lips twisting. So this was why, she thought. This was why he brought her here. To officially close one chapter of his life, so he could start a new one.
“And what have you decided?” The words were barely audible, but Zander was so close to her that of course he heard her.
His voice was level, his eyes searching as he squeezed her hands again.
“I’ve decided to go in for four years,” he said.
“Oh.” Erin felt as if she’d had the wind knocked out of her. It was all happening again. Different circumstances, thank God, but the same result. Zander was leaving for the ultimate adventure, putting himself in danger for the greater good of others. Zander was doing what he did best. Zander was leaving her. The emotions flooding through her were selfish, horribly selfish, so she forced herself to smile. “I’m so happy for you, Zander,” she said, desperately trying for sincerity. “You love your work. It’s important.”
Zander nodded. “It’s taught me
more than I ever imagined. And I have so much more to learn.”
“Of course,” she said. She nodded then, too quickly, as Zander let her hands go, leaving her clasping them on her lap, clenching and unclenching, while he fished in his pocket for something. Four more years! she thought. That seemed like a lifetime now. He’d already changed so much, had experienced so much without her. Would he even want to write to her while he was gone? Would he be willing to share emails this time, phone calls? Or was this his way of finally putting her out of his life for good?
“You know, I was kind of hoping you could help me with this part,” Zander was saying, and she looked up at him sharply.
“Help you? What do you mean?”
“I’ve got the option to pick my assignment. I figured you might have an opinion.”
“I…” Erin shook her head, trying to clear it, her heart almost breaking in two. This was good, right? It was good that he wanted to involve her in something so important. She would hold on to this moment, cherish it, in all the days and nights that followed. “I mean, of course, Zander,” she said, smiling firmly. “I’m happy to help.”
“Good,” he said. He sat down beside her, thrusting a well-worn sheet of folded paper into her hands. “Because I’m a little stuck between Psych 101 and Western Civ.”
Erin couldn’t follow his voice as the page snapped into focus. The words University of Massachusetts were emblazoned across the top, followed by rows and rows of dates, times, and topics for next year’s spring semester. She blinked, hard, startled when the page trembled beneath a light fall of her tears. She looked up at Zander, still not understanding. “Zander?” she whispered.
His voice was way too steady. “I’ve spent the last four years doing everything I could to get you out of my mind, Erin,” he said, holding her gaze. “I wanted nothing to do with you ever again.”
“I know,” she said, nodding. “I ruined your—”
“No,” Zander said forcefully. “You didn’t ruin my life. You made a decision in a moment of fear and panic that maybe wasn’t the best decision, but it was a decision you made because you felt you needed to. It was just one moment, one decision, Erin. Not an entire life. Not even close.”
“You went away,” she whispered. “You went away and I thought—”
“Yes, I did. And then I came back, and you made another decision. You decided to ask me for help. You didn’t want to, but you did. And it changed everything. Because you don’t have to make all your decisions alone, Erin. You never had to do it alone. I’m sorry I was too stupid to understand everything back then, that I didn’t ask the right questions about you, about your parents. I didn’t know how badly you needed to be heard. But I’m here, now, and I’m listening. I’ll be here for the next four years, too, and for however long after. I’ll be here. And I want to be here with you.”
Erin couldn’t process, couldn’t track. Didn’t dare to hope that what she was hearing was really true, really happening. “But your work,” she managed. “The army.”
“The army taught me a lot,” Zander said again. “And I have more to learn. Other things, some of them just as important. Like how to juggle a side job at Jackson Security while I’ve got midterms to study for. And how to be a freshman without getting beat up.”
Erin half-choked on a laugh. Now, somehow, tears were streaming down her face, and Zander lifted his hands, brushing her skin with his calloused thumbs. “And how to experience a thousand sunsets with you, Erin. A thousand sunsets, a thousand moments. Each one more important than the last. Like right now, for instance.”
“Right now?”
“Like this.” And he leaned forward, brushing his lips against hers. In that moment Erin felt her life fracturing in front of her—the Zander who was her high school boyfriend, the Zander who was the man in front of her now. The Zander who was going to be in her life again, impossibly, incredibly. The Zander who even now was taking her into his arms, holding her so tightly she wasn’t sure he would never let her go.
And she never wanted him to.
“Zander,” she said against his lips. “I love you so much.”
“I know, sweetheart,” he said, tightening his hold yet further. “I’ve always known. Just as I know I want to spend every waking moment loving you back.” He sighed against her shaking body, absorbing her sobs. “This is just one decision, Erin. One moment. But I’m really going to make it count.”
He leaned toward her then, and she moved instinctively to kiss him. And, just like always, he met her more than halfway.
Epilogue
Erin stood outside the gallery, looking through the plate-glass windows, her hands shoved into the pockets of her heavy peacoat, her breath freezing in front of her face for only a second before it was whisked away on the sharp breeze. She felt like she was a million miles removed from the warm, cheerful ambience inside the building, where bright yellow lights reflected off canvases bursting with deep terra-cotta reds, azure blues, and warm-skinned figures laughing in the sun.
“You know the artist?” an achingly familiar voice rumbled beside her. “Because I hear she’s pretty great.”
“Zander.” Erin didn’t trust herself to say more than his name as she turned to him. He’d been back in town for a week already, but she still couldn’t quite believe he was home for good. His four months of out-processing had seemed to last longer than the four years he’d been in the service up to that point. He’d missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s already. In fact, he’d barely gotten home in time to register before classes began for his very first semester of college.
But now he was here. So close to her. Not quite all the way, but she could handle that, she told herself. She would take what she was given and be glad for it.
“It looks good in there, yeah?” he said. He reached out, and Erin pulled her hand out of her coat, leaving her mitten stuffed into the deep pocket so she could feel Zander’s warmth against her skin. As usual, he wasn’t wearing gloves, refusing to let the bitter chill of a Boston January beat him into submission. He cocked a glance at her when she didn’t reply right away. “You okay?”
“I’m good. Everything’s good.” Erin nodded, too quickly, still marveling at the feel of Zander’s rough palm against her skin. She stared down at their fingers clasped together, idly noticing that her wrist still bore a smudge of a dark-gold strip of cadmium yellow despite her hurried shower. “You get everything done today you needed?”
“Well, it was quite a challenge,” Zander said, still watching her, but now with more amusement. “But, yes. I spent the day completing highly complex tasks, such as buying overpriced textbooks from a kid who looked like he was twelve, though he’s actually a year ahead of me in the program. I’m sure his insights on my new professor will prove very useful. I also checked in with Jackson, who already wants me to start work, took Mom out to lunch, avoided my sister, and bought incredibly useless gear like a backpack that’s not big enough to stow a sandwich.” He paused, his gaze turning a little more shrewd. “So why are you standing outside? You decide you prefer to view your work from deep perspective?”
“Just wanted some fresh air.” Erin’s laugh sounded too bright to her own ears. “Your mom’s glad you’re back, I bet, yeah?” She balled her fist in her pocket. Pull it together, she implored herself. He’s here, that’s enough. That’s more than enough. He’s in the same city as me, for God’s sake. That’s more than I ever thought I’d have again.
“Same as the last time you asked, which was this morning, in case you forgot. And yesterday morning, too.” Zander grinned. “And all last week.” He peered into the building. “Anna’s here, right? I finally get to meet her and her motorcycle guy?”
“Yes!” Erin said, blowing out another breath. “Jake, too, yes. They came into town today—but they’re heading back out again in just a couple days, I’m afraid. And Lacey couldn’t get back in time, of course.” Lacey, who’d functionally moved out of the brownstone to live on the road
with her very own rock star, had never really returned from her dream-come-true summer with Dante Falcone. And Anna and Jake had barely cruised into the greater Boston area this morning for Erin’s show before they’d begun looking for somewhere to travel that, in Jake’s words, “wouldn’t freeze his balls off.”
All of which was making for a very quiet brownstone, that a year ago this time had been brimming with people. Even Dani seemed restless, Erin thought with a twinge. More restless, anyway.
“Well, let’s go in and say hello,” Zander said. “Because you stay out here much longer, you’re gonna miss your own party.” He drew up short, suddenly frowning. “I’m not late, am I? You said seven o’clock.”
“You’re not late.” It wasn’t even ten till the hour, but the gallery had started welcoming guests early, given the frigid wind outside. Wind that even now was cutting through Erin’s thick jacket.
This is everything I could have asked for, she reminded herself again. Almost.
She’d been in the light, airy gallery space all afternoon staging the show, but it hadn’t really hit her until she was finished. Seeing all of her paintings there at once, hanging as a complete set, had proven almost too much for her—the warmth and color, the light and possibility. The past four months had cascaded over her in one sweep: Zander far away, finishing his duties with the army, while every last part of Erin’s life had seemed to have fundamentally changed. Her work, her friendships, her painting.
Her relationship with her mom, too. They’d even started writing emails back and forth. Nothing too long, nothing too intense, but…a start. A beginning.
It seemed like her whole life was just now beginning.
Now she just needed to not screw it up.
She turned her face again toward the scene behind the glass. “You think…you really think they look good?”
“I think they’ll look even better inside. Come on.” Laughing, Zander pulled her toward the door of the gallery, opening it to the sound of music and conversation as he helped her out of her jacket. Erin stood stock-still for another moment, once more taken aback. All of these people, here for her. For her, and for her work. Work that was finally good enough to show, that finally expressed what she could do, now that she was willing to pour everything onto the canvas again instead of leaving it locked up in her head.
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