by Hayden Hunt
“Jerry’s? Really? That’s, uh, kind of expensive,” I said nervously.
Jerry’s was probably the fanciest Italian restaurant in our city. I’d actually never even been, because I had once looked them up online and discovered how expensive their menu was. Meals ranged anywhere between fifty and a hundred bucks. I’m surprised Rich would even suggest it, since he knows I’m pretty tight on money right now. Okay, what I mean to say is that I’m always tight on money.
“Yeah, it’s my treat,” he said, as if reading my mind.
“I don’t know how I feel about that, you paying my way for something so expensive.”
“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun. You’re getting spoiled tonight, deal with it.”
I rolled my eyes, “Okay, fine, but I’m ordering the cheapest thing on the menu.”
“The hell you will,” he answered, “If you try that shit, I’ll order for you, and I can guarantee it’ll involve lobster.”
I sighed, shook my head, and leaned back toward the window.
Jerry’s wasn’t far from my apartment, and we got there in no time. I was suddenly grateful that I’d decided to go with khakis and a collared shirt today instead of my usual jeans, or else I would have been horribly underdressed for this place.
Just like when I got into his car, once we parked, he rushed out of the car to open my passenger-side door. I can’t say it wasn’t cute, how chivalrous he was being, but it wasn’t his usual self.
We got into the restaurant, and I let myself get excited about what was to come. This was going to be nice, actually. If I get over how much of a waste it is money-wise, I think I could actually have fun.
And I did. I ordered some pasta I couldn’t even pronounce but knew had shrimp in it, and Rich ordered the same. We talked about our days, our new assignment for our photo class, and although Rich was acting a little strangely, it was really nice.
Even though I’d stuffed myself with pasta, Rich insisted that we order dessert, and, as we waited for it to come out, I realized why he had been so weird.
“So, there’s something I wanted to ask you.”
“Yes?” I asked, as I looked up at him.
“So, you know, we’ve been dating for a few weeks now, but it feels like a lot longer than that. And I can’t help but realize how fantastic the last few weeks have been.”
He was so cute when he did this. He was absolutely honest with me, and his feelings were always so genuine.
“It’s been really great for me too,” I smiled.
“I was wondering if, uh, you might want to make this thing official?”
“Official?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, like, do you want to be my boyfriend?”
My heart melted. He was so fucking sweet. I felt like a kid when he asked that.
All my fears about commitment suddenly melted away in that moment. I didn’t think they would, either. I had been sure that when we finally did make our relationship more serious, I was going to panic and want to run for the hills.
But all that fear seemed so stupid right now. Why would I run? I was mad for this boy. Just him asking to be my boyfriend made me grin like a Cheshire cat.
Obviously, this is a man with whom I want to be. I’m pretty sure this is even a man I love. And, who knows, love works out sometimes, right?
“Yes!” I said cheerily, “Yes, I’d love to be your boyfriend.”
He leaned over the small table to kiss me, and our public display of affection was only broken when the waiter returned with a gorgeous slice of chocolate cake.
“Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen,” he smiled as he set down the cake.
“Thank you!” I said, blushing.
“Enjoy.”
“We absolutely will,” Rich answered, as the waiter walked away.
I know we weren't doing much, we were just sitting at a fancy restaurant eating delicious food. Later we’d go back to his place and cuddle while talking late into the night, as we often did. But even without anything extraordinary going on, I honestly felt like this was the best night of my life.
Never before had I been this happy. I never even imagined it was possible. And if commitment means being this happy, then fuck it. I’ll commit forever. I love this feeling, I love this boy.
Even my fears about telling my parents were assuaged by our newfound commitment. Now that it was official, I couldn’t wait to call up my parents and tell them. I'd even like to introduce him to both of them. Thank god my mother has finally simmered down the last few weeks, so now we could potentially have a normal dinner with her sometime in the near future.
The rest of the night went exactly like I thought it would. We finished the chocolate cake, which was nothing short of decadent, and we went back to his house with overly full bellies. I mean, seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been that full in my life.
It was the first night we went back to his house and actually didn’t have sex. We were both too sick with fullness to even consider it. I was sure that if I tried to have sex in any capacity, I’d puke.
But I didn’t need to have sex with him. Tonight, just lying on the couch, talking about our lives was enough.
“I was so scared you were going to say no,” Rich said, later that night when we were cuddled up.
“Why is that?” I asked.
He shrugged, “Just a feeling I got. You’ve been talking so much about your parents’ divorce, and, whenever you did, it seemed like you really had lost faith in relationships. It’s only been a few weeks, so I was scared to come on too strong.”
“If you were scared of that, why’d you do it?” I asked.
“I just couldn’t wait,” he shrugged. “Being with you has been such a blessing, and I felt the need to make it more serious. I really, really like you. More than like you, in fact…” he said, dancing around the word love. “It seemed silly to not be with you on an official basis when I care about you more deeply than I ever cared for a person I was married to for a decade.”
Again, this comment didn’t scare me. Quite the opposite, it shot a jolt of happiness through me.
“To be honest, I was scared of commitment,” I admitted, continuing our policy of honesty. “But not because of you. Like you said, it’s been hard with my parents’ divorce and my mom constantly bad talking my father. It’s hard to see that all relationships don’t end in disaster.”
“Well, they don’t. I assure you,” he paused for a moment, “Okay, uh, maybe that’s extremely hypocritical. Considering the one relationship I had did end in divorce.”
I laughed, “No, you’re right, and that’s totally different. You were gay and in a relationship with a woman, of course that didn’t go over too well.”
“But I think this will,” he rubbed my back softly. “I really do, Patrick. I know it’s early but… god, things are so good with us, right?”
I kissed his cheek, “Yeah, they really are.”
I unfortunately had to wake up alone the next morning. Rich had stayed the night, but he he had to work the next morning, so he had to leave early. I do vaguely remember him giving me a kiss on the forehead before leaving, but, of course, it was nothing like actually waking up next to him, which was my new favorite thing.
The alone time was nice, too, though, because I planned on taking a big step today. I was going to finally tell my parents about Rich, starting with my mother.
I took in a deep breath before I dialed her up. I don’t know why, it’s not as if she won’t react well. If anything, she’ll respond with over-enthusiasm.
“Hello?” I heard her voice after a few rings.
“Hey, Mom, how are you?”
She sighed, “Oh, you know, the usual.”
Obviously this was her way of telling me that she was unhappy, but I didn’t mind the passive aggressiveness. I was used to this behavior from her. With my mom, it’s either all-out aggression or subtle aggression, and I’ll always take the latter.
“So, I’ve got some news,” I sai
d excitedly.
“Oh? What’s that?”
“Well, uh, I’ve kind of been dating this guy,” I began nervously.
“Oh? I thought you’ve been dating guys for a while…”
“No, right, duh, but I mean I’m like… in an actual relationship with a guy.”
“Really?” She said, sounding shocked, “Like an actual committed relationship?”
“Yep!” I said, waiting for her to shower me with excitement.
“How long have you been together?”
“A few weeks,” I admitted, a little nervous that she might get on my case for not telling her sooner. “But we just made it official last night.”
“Oh, honey, you poor thing.”
“Thanks, Mom— wait, what?” At first I thought I’d heard her wrong. Did she actually say what I think she said? I had been expecting a congratulations and was shocked to hear this instead.
“I said, you poor thing.”
“Okay… why? What are you talking about?”
“You are head over heels for this boy, aren’t you?”
“Yes…” I answered, my anxiety mounting.
“I was you once,” she said solemnly.
“Oh, Mom, please don’t start in on another tirade about Dad. I thought we were past this.”
I was annoyed, but I wasn’t going to let my mother shake me on this. I was happy, finally fucking happy, and her relationship with my father has nothing to do with this. Just because she thinks relationships are all bad doesn’t mean I have to. Rich and I don’t have to be my parents and me.
“This is not a tirade about your father. Not in any way, you misunderstand me. I have accepted your father’s decision.”
This last bit completely distracted me from our conversation about Rich. “You… you have?”
“Yes,” she answered. “He ended the relationship for valid reasons.”
I was shocked, these were words I never thought I’d hear out of my mother’s mouth. And she was so calm saying them. I thought for sure she would go to the grave cursing my father for ever daring to leave her.
“You mean that?”
“I do.”
“Okay… so, I don’t really understand where you’re coming from then.”
“All relationships fail, Pat. Even the ones that start out beautifully will eventually end in turmoil. It’s the way of the world. No two humans are really compatible enough to stand the test of time.”
“Mom, just because you and Dad didn’t work out—”
“It had nothing to do with us specifically. The reality is that humans are flawed. Every single person is flawed. I was flawed, your father was flawed, and we spent years torturing each other because of those flaws. People can only control the things that are wrong with them for so long before they start spilling over.”
I thought that my mom couldn’t get to me, couldn’t shake my happiness about being with Rich. But I was suddenly rethinking everything because she was hitting on my worst fears.
This wasn’t my mom acting like a crazed lunatic with hate in her heart. This was my mom finally accepting that she played a part in the demise of relationships.
I actually wished she would go back to being crazy, because I didn’t want to hear a rational reason for why relationships fail.
“But some people’s flaws work with another person’s—”
”No,” she interrupted me, “They don’t work out, at. Eventually spending every goddamn day with the same person is going to wear on you. All the things they do wrong, they will drive you insane. We humans weren’t made to be this close to each other, take my word for it.”
All the insecurities I’d been feeling were beginning to crop back up for me.
“I really like him, Mom, and I think maybe this can be something that lasts.”
“I know, honey. And that’s fine. And I will be here for you when it doesn’t. You’re young, you haven’t even had a serious relationship yet. Soon, you’ll know. And I promise I’ll always be around to pick up the pieces.”
I felt sick to my stomach.
“Mom, I have to go, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Talk to you later, love you, goodbye.”
I did my best to lie down and try to reign in my nausea. How did my feelings devolve so quickly?
Just moments ago, I had been stoked to tell my parent about Rich. I was expecting answers of excitement and positivity. Guess that wasn’t going to happen.
Maybe my dad would be more positive. He obviously doesn’t believe relationships fail, as he’s already in a new one, but I didn’t bother calling him. I no longer felt good about it.
What if my mom was right? What if this ends in total disaster like my parents did? Fuck, I hate that my mom still has so much power over the way that I feel.
She hadn’t phased me like this since I was in high school. Mostly, I’ve gotten used to her shenanigans and her spreading hatred and negativity.
That’s part of the problem, though. That wasn’t what she was doing this time. In fact, she sounded generally concerned for me and my well-being. It may have fucked up results, but I don’t doubt that she actually believes she is helping to protect me right now.
Fuck, man, maybe she is. Maybe she’s not wrong. She seems to be more rational and accepting her of own faults in her relationship with my father. Maybe this is one thing she’s actually right about.
I don’t want her to be though. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to go back to the excitement and love I felt before…
Maybe I can. Maybe I should brush this off. She could be wrong. There might be relationships that actually last.
Admittedly, though, I didn’t know many that did. And what she was saying made sense. How would it feel to get to know somebody you love and then have to realize all his flaws? And face those flaws on a daily basis? A long-term relationship never has sounded easy. The real question is, is it worth it?
It wasn’t for my parents. Not for either of them. Maybe they’re both glad to have me in their life, but they also both wasted decades being unhappy and staying with each other.
I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose twenty years of my life. We only have but so much time on earth, and I want to enjoy each year to the best of my ability. I really, truly, just want to be happy.
And Rich does make me happy. The question is, how long will that last? Will we have a year of happiness and then have to deal with twenty years of unhappiness?
No part of me wants that.
My thoughts were interrupted by a text from Rich, which made my stomach churn.
“Hey, come over again tonight? Or you can just stay for the day, if you’re still there?”
I bit my lip. I was still here, but I wasn't going to stay. I wanted to go back to my apartment. And I wanted to stay there for the night, at least, while I thought things over.
“No, sorry. Got some school to catch up on.”
“No prob! Maybe tomorrow. Have a good day, babe.”
I felt guilty for lying. He’s so damn sweet, and I’m sitting here lying to his face.
“You, too,” I wrote back, as I sat up on his bed and collected my things.
I need to figure some shit out.
7
Rich
Things have been a little weird between Pat and me lately.
I swear, ever since the night I asked him to be my boyfriend, things have been different. It was exactly what I feared, that I’d scare him away with too much commitment.
Thing is, though, if I was going to scare him off, I kind of expected to do it on that same night. I thought he’d pull away from me right away, and he didn’t. We had a beautiful night together.
So, it was confusing. And I wanted to call him out on it, but, truth is, I can’t be sure that’s the real reason why he seems distant. He might just be stressed about school or his parents. It might have nothing to do with me. At least, that’s what I told myself to feel better.
But in class on Thursd
ay afternoon, our professor told us about an opportunity that I was sure would bring us together.
“Well, everyone, I’ve got exciting news,” Professor Bingsley began, “The local university is having a film photography contest and is opening it up to students of the community college, as well! Not only is this a chance to put your work out there for the world to see, but there will also be a small scholarship as the prize, the money to be used at either the University or the community college.”
I was stoked to hear this, and I was sure Patrick would be, too. It would be a great opportunity for either of us. Though, when I glanced over at him, he looked less than happy.
“And what do we have to shoot for the contest?” one girl in the back asked.
“Absolutely whatever you want! They’re accepting all subjects as long as it is black-and-white photography. And, in addition to the winner, all photos will be placed in their art gallery for one week. So, even if you don’t believe you might win, I encourage you to put your art out there anyway. You never know what may come of it. Now, in light of this news I’ll be giving you all a free day in the darkroom today, so those of you that may want to participate can begin to work on your chosen print. The deadline is only two weeks away.”
I was filled with both excitement and nervousness. Excitement because, hello, this was going to be so much fun! And nervousness because Patrick looked thoroughly unhappy.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked him after we all broke to go to the darkroom. “Is something wrong?”
He shrugged. “Are you going to participate in that contest?” he asked.
“Yeah, of course! Aren’t you?”
He shrugged again. “I’m not sure. What is the point, exactly?”
“Uh, to possibly get a scholarship?” I asked. “A few thousand extra dollars to use for school would be a giant weight lifted off your shoulder. I thought you’d be excited about that.”
“Why? I’m not going to win. I won’t actually get the money.”
“Hey, don’t say that!” I said encouragingly. “You have as good a chance as anyone here.”
“No, I don’t, not as good of a chance as you.”
