“You don’t know that. And I’m only letting you be nice to me because I’m scared. Just so we’re clear, I’m still furious with you.”
He shook his head. “Okay, you can imagine ways to roast me over an open flame after the appointment.”
She was quiet for a while, then she said, “I appreciate you doing this.”
“Why wouldn’t I be willing? It’s not that big a deal.”
She looked at him. “What do you think is going to happen?”
He didn’t like that question. Or the gleam in her eye. “It’s an ultrasound. They rub goop on your belly.”
The nurse called her name. Penny stood and smiled at Cal.
“Sorry, no. We’re not doing it that way.”
“What other way is there to see the baby?” He frowned as he followed her.
“From the inside,” she said smugly.
The inside? How the hell would they get a probe…
“You’re kidding.”
“YOU WERE GOING to let Reid see this?” Cal asked fifteen minutes later as Penny lay on a table in a small room filled with equipment.
“He was going to stand by my head, which is where you’ll be standing.”
“I’m fine with that. Better than fine. Happy, even.” He might have recently seen Penny naked and touched every inch of her, but he wasn’t excited about watching an intimate medical exam.
“If you start to get queasy, close your eyes and think of England,” she said with a grin.
“I’m not British,” he muttered as the door opened and the doctor stepped into the room.
“Good morning,” she said. “How are you feeling, Penny?”
“Good. Nervous. This is Cal. He’s a friend.”
“I know you’re not the father,” the doctor said. “I did the IVF procedure. Hi. I’m Dr. Robins.” She shook hands with Cal, then turned her attention to Penny. “Don’t be nervous. We’re only doing this to check on the baby. There’s no reason for any of us to think something’s wrong.”
“I know. It’s just…you know. What happened last time.”
“Yes, I know.” The doctor checked her folder, then reached for the paper sheet covering Penny’s bottom half. “All right. Let’s see what your little guy looks like.”
Cal did his best to ignore what was happening. He held Penny’s hand, only half listened to the conversation and thought about the restaurant. When that didn’t work, he considered the yearly question of whether or not the Mariners would make it to the World Series. Now that Reid wasn’t playing baseball, he didn’t have to worry about divided loyalties.
“There we go,” the doctor said.
“Oh, look,” Penny whispered.
Cal turned to the screen and saw something moving. It was just a bunch of light and dark patches. Not anything he recognized. Then the picture shifted and sharpened.
“Is that the head?” he asked.
“Uh-huh. There we go. A head, the body. Arms and legs.”
“Just two of each, right?” Penny asked anxiously. She tightened her grip on Cal’s hand.
“Just two. Everything looks normal.” She clicked a switch and the room filled with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.
Seeing the infant move, hearing its heart, was incredibly profound. Until that moment, Cal hadn’t connected Penny’s pregnancy with actual life. Her first pregnancy had ended before they got to this stage and he realized now that in some ways, it hadn’t been real to him, either.
She was having a baby. A real baby who would grow up to be an actual person.
He stared down at her, seeing her smile, watching tears fill her eyes. How could she be so damn confident that she was willing to take this on by herself?
But he already had the answer. He could see it in the love in her eyes. She’d always wanted children. At first with him, and when he screwed that up, then any way she could.
The magnitude of what he’d lost slammed into him. A wife. A family. They had all been his to lose and he had. She’d truly loved him. Sure, intellectually he’d known but until this exact second, he hadn’t gotten it down deep.
Why hadn’t he believed? Why hadn’t he known how much he’d let drift away? She’d accused him of letting her go, of almost not being surprised that she’d left and she’d been right. He’d been waiting for her to walk out from the first day they met.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
PENNY FELT a profound sense of relief. It was as if she hadn’t been able to draw in a deep breath for weeks.
“Pretty amazing,” she said from the passenger seat of her Volvo.
“The picture was detailed,” Cal said. “You could see everything.”
“And more than you wanted to,” she teased. “Were you completely grossed out?”
“No.” He hesitated. “Okay, I didn’t need her showing us the hole that was going to be the stomach.”
Penny laughed. “That was a little strange,” she admitted. “But very cool.” All of it had been a miracle. “The baby seems so real now. I knew I was pregnant before, but seeing it like that while hearing the heartbeat…”
“It changed everything,” he said.
“Exactly. And I was very tempted to ask about the gender. It would help with getting the nursery ready. The clothes and stuff.”
“Do newborns wear clothes?” he asked.
“Oh. Good point. There’s not a formal wardrobe, but they do have things to sleep in. I have some books on babies. I guess I should start reading that part.”
“The chapter on fashion accessories?” he asked.
She smiled. “Sure. I don’t want my baby being out of step with what’s in style.” She angled toward him. “Thank you for coming with me,” she said. “I would have hated to do this alone.”
“I’m glad I was there, too,” he said. “But Reid would have come.”
She nodded. “I know, but he would have freaked out.” There’d been something intimate about the experience. While she and Reid were great friends, they’d never shared stuff like that.
She looked at Cal. Happiness, anger and sadness blended uneasily. She’d wanted this experience for them. She’d wanted to have children with him.
How involved had he been with Alison’s pregnancy? How much of his presence here was to smooth things over? She believed he was genuinely sorry he’d hurt her, and that he hadn’t withheld the truth to be vicious, but she suspected he would have been content to keep his daughter a secret forever.
“I’m sorry about our baby,” he said.
She stared at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry we lost it.” He shrugged. “I felt bad before, when it happened, but until today, the experience wasn’t real. Intellectually I knew you were pregnant back then, but I didn’t think about you having a baby. Sorry. I’m not making sense.”
“No, you are.” She understood how he could have been more disconnected from the experience. It hadn’t been happening to his body. She just wasn’t sure she believed him.
“I missed out on a lot,” he said, staring straight ahead. “It’s sad, for both of us.”
Wow. Cal admitting to an emotion. “I’m sad, too,” she told him. “But it was for the best.”
“You losing the baby?”
She nodded. “There’s a reason that sort of thing happens. There was probably something wrong with it and it wouldn’t have survived anyway.”
“I thought you were going to say it was for the best because we got a divorce.”
“That’s a factor, but not a big one,” she said. “We would have figured out how to be parents without being together.”
Not that she’d ever expected to be a single mother. Yet here she was, making it happen.
“You were right before,” he said. “About me expecting you to leave. I was. Right from the beginning. Even when we got married, I always thought the relationship was temporary.”
“Why? What did I ever say or do to make you think that?”
“It
wasn’t you.” He gave her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “You were in it for the long haul. It was me. How I was raised. What I believed. There are a lot of reasons that aren’t that interesting. But I wanted you to know you were right.” He glanced at her again. “It’s one of your favorite things.”
“Usually,” she murmured, stunned by his confession. “This time I would have accepted being wrong.” She hesitated, then asked. “If that’s how you felt, why did you marry me?”
“I wanted to be wrong.”
“But you weren’t. I did leave.”
“You left to get my attention. I’m the one who let you go. I had a good thing with you, Penny,” he said. “When you left, I lost something I’ll never be able to replace.”
“Thank you for saying that. I always wondered if you’d even noticed I was gone.”
“I noticed.”
“Just not enough to come after me.”
He glanced at her. “You’re still mad about Lindsey.”
“Mad doesn’t cover it, Cal. It’s not like you were hiding a tattoo. You kept a huge part of your life separate from me. Not just that you had a daughter, but that you loved her so much, you couldn’t love anyone else.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Penny, you were my wife. I wanted…”
“What? To stay together forever? To have a family?”
“I wanted us to make it.”
“I don’t believe you. I think you wanted to be alone with your guilt. At least your lack of interest wasn’t about me specifically. You would have done this to anyone.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel. “You’re not going to give me a break, are you?”
“Do you deserve one? You fundamentally changed everything about our past. I’m still dealing.”
“Are you going to be able to work with me?”
“Offering to leave?” she asked.
“If it helps.”
Would it? “I meant what I said. I don’t hate you.”
“Will we ever be friends again?”
Friends? They’d been married before. They now worked together and just about a week ago, they’d been lovers. She wasn’t sure they’d ever been friends.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I’m not sure it’s…”
Suddenly she felt a fluttering in her stomach. Her breath caught.
“What?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“I’m great. It’s the baby. It’s moving.”
He smiled at her. “Yeah? What does it feel like?”
Anger and hurt battled with a need to share the wonder. She hesitated a second, then pulled up her sweater and placed his hand on her bare stomach.
“Can you feel it?” she asked. “It’s right there.”
He glanced at her, his eyes wide, his mouth parted in amazement. “I can feel it. Not a kick. More of a brushing.”
“Yes. That’s it.”
They smiled at each other, then he turned his attention back to the road. Still, he kept his hand on her stomach and she kept her hand on top of his. The moment seemed to stretch on endlessly. Despite everything, they were connected.
He’d been so much a part of her past and now he was in her present. She wanted to hate him and couldn’t.
At least she no longer loved him. Only a fool would want her heart broken by the same man twice.
CAL CHECKED over the figures from the previous night. He glanced up as his office door opened and Dani stepped inside.
“Hi,” he said before he realized she was crying. He stood and walked around to hug her. “What’s wrong?”
Instead of answering, her tears turned into sobs. Her whole body shook as he held her. He felt her pain, even if he didn’t know what caused it, and he was more than willing to go do battle on her behalf.
“Whose ass do I have to kick?” he asked, as he rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.
“I w-wish it was that simple,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest. She straightened and looked into his eyes. “It’s Hugh.”
Cal grimaced. He wasn’t comfortable picking a fight with a guy in a wheelchair, but if necessary…“What did he do?”
“He left me.”
“What?” Cal had expected to hear anything from a major disagreement to the unlikely statement of an affair. But not this.
“He left me,” she repeated.
“Not possible. He loves you.” What he was really thinking was that Hugh owed her. After his accident, she’d been the one to stand by him, to insist that they were still getting married, even if he was never going to walk again. She’d loved him and bullied him when necessary, all with the goal of making him want to live, despite being paralyzed from the waist down. She’d stayed at Burger Heaven to keep their insurance so he could continue with his physical therapy.
She’d succeeded. Hugh had slowly returned to the land of the living and he’d carved out a good life for himself.
“Maybe you misunderstood him.”
She gave a strangled laugh and walked to one of the chairs by his desk. He took the other, then leaned toward her and grabbed her hand.
“I don’t get it,” he said.
“That makes two of us.” She wiped her cheeks with her free hand, then fished in her coat pocket for a tissue. “I told him I wanted to talk about in vitro fertilization. We were going to need some help to get pregnant and I thought this was a good time. Okay, I was a little selfish because I knew I wasn’t going anywhere at Burger Heaven and I thought maybe this would distract me. Being a mom and all.” She sniffed. “It’s not that I didn’t want kids, it’s just that I thought I’d have my career together first.”
He tucked her short hair behind her ears. “So what happened when you mentioned getting pregnant?”
“He said he didn’t want to.” The waterworks started up again. “At first I thought it was about money, because the procedure is really expensive, but it wasn’t. He said that he wanted a divorce. He said he’d outgrown m-me.”
He shifted his chair closer, then pulled her close. She rested her forehead on his shoulder.
“He said he’s been growing and changing and I haven’t. He’s on the tenure track and I’m just the manager of Burger Heaven.” She looked at him. “He threw that in my face. As if I haven’t been trying to move up in the company. As if I hadn’t stayed there for him. I work damn hard. Harder than anyone has in that job.”
He cupped her head and kissed her nose. “That’s true. Even than me. You’ve been great and Gloria has never noticed.”
“That’s what I said. Hugh told me I was getting bitter and he didn’t want to live with someone like that. He didn’t want to live with me anymore.”
She stood up and shrugged off her jacket. “I can’t believe it. How dare he? I was there for him. I’ve always been there for him. He got really depressed after the accident. I don’t blame him, but he wasn’t very fun to be around. And I was there. Even more than his parents. But does he appreciate that? Does it matter now? No. He’s grown. La de da. He’s so sanctimonious. I really hate him.”
Cal thought about pointing out that hating Hugh would make the divorce easier, but something in his male brain told him to keep quiet.
“We’re short nearly five pounds of—” Penny looked up from the clipboard she held. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you had company.” She paused, then frowned. “Dani, are you all right?”
Dani sucked in a breath. “Hugh wants a divorce.”
“Oh, honey.” Penny dropped the clipboard onto the bookcase and held out her arms. Dani walked into them.
“He says he’s outgrown me,” his sister said.
“Men are such bastards.”
Cal wanted to protest, but he kept quiet. This was not the time to defend his gender.
“I was there for him. I loved him. I still love him,” Dani said.
Penny stroked her hair. “So do you want to try to work things out?”
“No. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s fine. I won’t be married to him. I don’t need him.” She started to cry again. “It just hurts. I loved him and he doesn’t love me back.”
Cal felt his sister’s pain and a good-sized serving of guilt. Was this what Penny had gone through when she’d left him and he hadn’t come after her?
“What do you want?” Penny asked. “Do you want him to suffer?”
“Yes. Big time. Cal offered to beat him up.”
Penny looked at him and smiled. “Your brother is a very good man. But, and no offense, Cal, I think Walker would do a better job.”
Dani straightened. “Oh, you’re right. The military training.”
She was as close to smiling as he’d seen all morning. He rose and moved next to her.
“What do you really want?” he asked.
“A good lawyer.”
“I can help you find one.”
“Okay.” She glanced at both of them and then the tears flowed again. “He wants me to file. Can you believe it? He said he was busy with finals coming up and would I please take care of the paperwork.”
He and Penny hugged her. Dani sighed. “I’d tell Walker to break his legs, but that would be redundant, wouldn’t it?”
He hugged tighter. Dani clung to him. “What is Gloria going to say? I don’t want to tell her.”
“Then don’t,” Penny said.
Dani looked at her. “But I have to.”
“Why? She’s just your grandmother, not the local oracle. She doesn’t see all and know all. Frankly, as mean as she’s been to you, I wouldn’t say a word. Why give her the satisfaction?”
Dani actually smiled. “I want to be just like you when I grow up.”
PENNY HAD JUST FINISHED the tasting for the afternoon, allowing the staff to sample the specials, when Gloria walked in.
“At least she missed Dani by a couple of hours,” Penny murmured to Naomi as Gloria walked toward her. Luckily Cal had gone back to The Daily Grind for a big meeting.
“Want a meat cleaver?”
Penny grinned. “Don’t tempt me.”
She forced herself to smile as the older woman shrugged out of her fur-trimmed coat and slung it over her arm.
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