by Hadley Quinn
I just take a picture instead. I’ll decide later.
Next to her is the portable crib, and right there in the middle is a wiggly but smiling baby when I appear at the edge. I put my finger to my lips but he only smiles more, and that is enough to give me a second wind.
Picking him up I whisper, “Hey pal, how are you? Did you trick mommy into naptime so we could have bro time?”
I place him against my chest and his little legs are pumping up and down with excitement. God, I love that. It’s like he’s trying to jump for joy whenever he sees me. You gotta understand what that feels like. My tiny heart just wants to burst with happiness.
I look over at Melanie on the bed, still sound asleep. She’s gorgeous, every bit of her. When I place a blanket over her, she closes her mouth and curls up with the pillow. So fucking adorable.
I take another picture.
I want to kiss her but don’t want to risk waking her up, so I just carry Cade down the hall with me to the front room.
Caden Beckett. I was floored when Melanie named him that. Floored but so damn happy. And it just seemed to suit him, too. Beck had always been so smiley and happy-go-lucky, and Cade was always smiling too. No one could ever replace my friend, but baby Cade sure made life feel a lot fuller for me. I have Melanie and I have Cade, and I never would have dreamed that I would be this happy with two people.
“What’s up canine brother?” I speak for Cade and make him wave to Tank.
The dog wags his tail as he continues to work over his bone, and the baby drools a wad of spit all over my arm when he smiles. I flip on the television out of habit and sit down on the couch with my little guy. Even though Tyse had moved out, he’d left the TV behind for us. I never told him he had to move out but he did a couple weeks after Melanie moved in. I understand the flow of it. I did the same thing at Teague’s. There’s just a time when you know things should change, and once relationships and families start growing, it’s a given.
Tyse still comes over quite a lot. I’m okay with it. I have a half-brother that happens to be pretty cool and he accepts me for who I am. Kellie fucking loves him insanely much, and I’m happy for that. He’s able to give her some of the things I never have been good at. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister beyond measure. But I’ve just never been the brother that she can have long conversations with and I don’t listen patiently. No, the second she would mention some guy or any hurt feelings, I wanted to severely beat someone’s ass. I have never been the type to sit idly by and talk reason with someone.
My brother has more of that to offer. And the chicks seem to gravitate toward him like a damn magnet. He has no plans to settle down with someone—he’s been too busy opening a new branch of McCallan business with my grandfather—but it’s gonna be interesting when the right girl does claim Tyse one of these days. He’ll be a tough one to pin down like me, but just in a different way.
“Blah!” Cade announces, breaking my thoughts.
“Oh really?” I chuckle, turning him to face me. “And what more do you have to tell me today? What did you and mommy do? I bet you got to suck on some titties, huh pal? That’s no fair. Seriously. I bust my butt at work and you get to stick your face in mommy’s chest six times a day. And then I bet you crapped your drawers a few times, too. And you played the innocent baby card and had mommy wipe your butt for you, right?”
All I get is a big ass grin from him and it makes me laugh.
“You think that’s funny, huh?” I lean forward and kiss on his face, getting slobber all over me.
Slobber doesn’t bother me. Neither does spit-up. It’s the shitty diapers that took me a while to get used to. In fact, it took almost a month before I even changed one. Melanie was out for a few hours with Camryn and it was just me and Little Man for a bit. I had no idea a four-week-old baby could shit that much. It was everywhere. We were just watching football and he must not have liked that our team lost because he just exploded in his diaper. It was only a matter of seconds before it seeped onto my clothes too.
No way was I touching that. Straight to the shower, in our clothes, and I removed it all that way. I wrapped him up in a towel without a diaper at first because I had never attempted to put one on him. I’d seen Mel do it dozens of times and I had never been asked to, and I just figured she’d be home soon. Well the towel didn’t help much when he peed on me, so on to the diapers I went. Turns out it wasn’t the most difficult thing to figure out, and I’ve been changing them ever since.
I happen to glance at the coffee table and pick up a few of the papers on it. They’re from Cade’s checkup with the pediatrician earlier today. Caden Beckett Jacobs was at the top. I stare at his name for almost a minute. It’s not like I haven’t seen it in its full form, but tonight it kind of makes me sad. Melanie had given him her last name, not Jordan’s. The guy hadn’t even met Cade yet. He’d done nothing to help Melanie out financially, but he hadn’t even wanted to see his son’s face.
It infuriates me. On the one hand, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the prick. But on the other hand, it’s inconceivable to me that someone has absolutely no interest in their own biological child. Granted, I don’t feel like Jordan deserves to have Cade in his life, but I just can’t understand it.
I confronted Jordan Myers a couple of weeks ago. Melanie doesn’t know this, but I did. I missed a day of work and made a trip to Fresno where Jordan was now living again. He was scared shitless to see me waiting for him outside of the restaurant he worked at. He seriously thought I was there to kick his ass. But my heart was in a different place that day and I did something I’m still baffled by.
I begged him.
I literally begged him to give up his rights to Cade. I begged him to not only let me raise him without his interference, but to allow me to make it official with adoption. I asked Jordan Myers if he would sign the necessary papers so I could become the legal father of Melanie’s baby.
He laughed at me. Like…full out laughed his ass off. Normally my first instinct would be to punch him in the fucking throat. But I couldn’t. He truly had me at his mercy and there was nothing I could do about it. It was obvious he wasn’t going to give me any slack.
He walked away from me for his car. I was just going to let him go, but then two beautiful faces popped into my head and my heart twisted with such agony that I can’t even explain it. Melanie and Cade were all I cared about. I could lose my shop and have no money at all, but those two amazing souls were literally the air I breathed. I wanted to be more for them. I wanted Cade to have everything I never had as a kid. He didn’t deserve to have a deadbeat dad that he had to deal with for the rest of his life.
I really have had to swallow my pride so many times in the last few months.
I followed Jordan and continued to ramble on. I don’t even remember what I told him that day, but at the end, before he got in his car to drive away, he said, “Groveling is a good look for you, McCallan.”
The irony. Jordan Myers had the power to break my heart that day when all I had ever wanted to do was break his face because he deserved it. I wasn’t sure what kind of karma that was…
Since then it has been all I think about. I don’t know what I can do or say to convince Jordan that it is the best thing for Cade. Do I think I am the best person to raise him? Not really. But I love him and his mom more than anything and would do everything in my power to make both of them happy.
I used to give Teague shit about some of the little things about him that have changed since he got married, but now I completely understand. It’s not like our personalities change much, but just how we react to certain situations. It’s more about blending two lives together, not changing each other. Melanie has certainly done this flawlessly with me. I don’t know how she doesn’t beat the shit out of me every once in a while. We still have our fun little rounds of witticism and playfulness, but in the end it’s really obvious I worship the ground she walks on.
“Hey, baby, you’re home.�
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Her voice is like the frosting on a cupcake. I don’t care how pathetic that sounds. It just makes you close your eyes and smile because it totally completes the treat of having the cupcake.
“Hey,” I answer, turning around to see her.
She steps past us and sits down right beside me, cuddling up against my side. Cade is excited to see her but I’m not letting the little monster have her just yet until I get some attention first. Holding him out of her reach, I pull her close and kiss the living hell out of her face and lips. Not even a grunting baby is going to make me stop until I feel like it.
“Well hello,” she smiles when I finally let her have her mouth back. “I missed you today.”
She says this every day and I never get tired of hearing it. I end up handing Cade over because he’s starting to get really pissed off now. Nobody keeps him from his mama for long when he wants her.
“I missed you, too,” I answer, pulling both of them close to me again. “It was a very long day without you.”
She doesn’t answer except with a sigh. I can tell she’s still tired. Cade only sleeps a couple of hours at a time, and even though he’s happy a lot of the time, he still has his fussy hours of the day and acts like…well, a baby.
“Jordan just called me,” she finally says.
This makes me fiercely tense up. I have no idea what kind of shit he’s thrown at her this time.
“And?” I try to ask calmly.
She takes her time responding, which only makes me worry more. She turns slightly on the couch to face me better, and instead of looking upset, she just looks dazed. “I just…I’m not even sure what happened. I mean I don’t even know where this came from…”
“What are you talking about?”
She takes a deep breath. “He asked me if…if I wanted him to give up his rights to Cade. I mean he just…starts going on about how he’s just not suited for this kind of thing and he never will be and…”
I’m surprised. No, stunned. I never told Melanie a single thing about my visit with Jordan, and even though I thought that he would give her crap about me harassing him over it, he never had. Now to call her up out of the blue to ask her that… I didn’t know what to think.
“He told me that you talked to him about it,” she finally says. She’d spoken it so softly I barely heard her. I can’t tell if she’s upset with me or what, but my mind is still on the reason for the phone call. Hope was literally filling my chest even though I was afraid that I’d overstepped my bounds.
“I did ask him to,” I admitted. “A couple weeks ago. He pretty much told me to go to hell.”
She doesn’t answer right away as she kisses on Cade’s cheeks. I’m not sure where to go with this, it kind of blindsided me. Her reaction is somewhat ambiguous and I have no idea what she is thinking.
Well I’m no fucking mind reader.
“What are you thinking about, baby doll?” I sigh, brushing her hair back from her face.
She gives me an unsure smile and shakes her head. “I haven’t a clue,” she says. “I mean…it’s something that I’ve thought about constantly but never thought he would ever agree to it.”
“It’s something that you want, too?” I ask, not even trying to hide my insecurities. All of this is happening out of order, but I just have to go with it.
She studies my face for several seconds and says, “Yes, Jay. More than anything. But I just… I mean I never wanted to assume and…and then there’s Jordan and…”
“But it’s what you want, right?”
I can’t even say the words, but I hope that she knows what I mean.
“Yes,” she smiles again. “I love you so much, Jay. If you want to be in Cade’s life permanently—”
“Hell yes, it’s gonna be permanent,” I interrupt.
I can’t even imagine them not being in my life. But it’s true that I’ve never done the one thing that could change everything for good… I know this has to happen first, and it’s obvious that it’s kind of the elephant in the room at the moment.
But leave it to Cade to have my back. The loud eruption in his diaper was perfect timing, so when Melanie stood to change him, I wasn’t quick to offer my services this time.
After kissing my forehead she says, “Did you find dinner in the fridge?”
“Uh, no, I haven’t looked yet,” I reply, even though I know she always has something ready for me to eat when I get home. She’s good to me like that.
“It’s baked spaghetti,” she smiles in a sing-songy voice as she heads down the hall.
I love her. So fucking much. I’m comfortable when it comes to our relationship. I know that’s a good thing, but I can’t just depend on that alone. I’m happy with my life—our life—but I know that the best relationships are the ones that are constantly progressing…
Okay, so Teague taught me that shit, but I do believe it.
I’m not sure how long it’s been since the dog has been outside, so I make him leave his bone behind and we go out back. I’m laughing to myself, but it’s a good thing. I’ve totally become this family man—unexpectedly and at times reluctantly—but this is who I am now.
And I love it.
I think back to my single days and shake my head. What the fuck was the matter with me? I did get called out by a few of the adults in the family, but I had such a huge chip on my shoulder that I didn’t even care. Although I hated hearing it, I can still hear my mom say, “You just wait until you have your own kids to deal with someday.”
Maybe to me it was a threat because I certainly remember swearing that it would never happen. After dealing with so much shit from my parents, I think it was engraved in my head that it would only turn out miserably for those kids. From then on, it was pretty much a fact that it wasn’t the life for me. I wanted my own business instead, and that was more important to me than a family.
“Tank, I’ve officially been pussified,” I announce out loud. He looks up at me and wags his tail. It looks like he’s smiling as he hikes his leg on a bush. “I see you are totally ignorant to that fact like I was a few months ago. It’s okay. I have patience for you. You’re gonna find yourself a female one of these days that will totally accept you for you—weaknesses and all. Then you won’t be so smug, you bastard.”
I head for my shop robotically. I know what I’m doing, though. It’s been weighing on me for the last month or so. When I get inside and flip the lights on, I slowly approach one of my tool shelves. Sitting on it is a red vintage toolbox that Melanie had picked up for me at a garage sale. It is awesome, 1950s, and I use it to store some other small vintage tools in it.
I set it on the work counter and open it up. After shifting a few things inside, my fingers pick up a small black box. I crack it open and take a deep breath as my eyes greet the shiny half-carat diamond engagement ring. I’ve had this for almost five weeks and I‘m still not able to go through with it? I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. You’d think I was giving up a testicle or something—well, okay, it’s kind of like that, but seriously…
I love her. That’s the bottom line and nothing is going to change that. I love Cade with all my heart too, and that’s not going to change, either. The day Melanie stopped by Beckett’s Restoration to show me the toolbox was the day I bought the ring. She also had lunch packed into the toolbox for me. There was just something about that moment—my girl carrying a baby in one arm and an old fucking toolbox in the other. It just totally whacked me upside the head and bitch slapped my heart.
I listened to my heart that day and left work early to go ring shopping. I brought the box home with me too because it belonged in my personal shop instead of the business shop, and I hid the ring inside of it. It’s been haunting me ever since, but in a good way.
On the counter next to me is one of Melanie’s songbooks. Once in a while she sits out here with me while I work, either with a baby monitor in her hand while Cade is sleeping, or with him in her arms. Sometimes he’ll be aslee
p in one arm and she’s scribbling away with the other. I have several pictures on my phone of this and I love ‘em. One is even my screen saver.
I flip open the notebook and the first thing that grabs my attention is Tame This. Smiling, I read over the lyrics again. She told me this was about me and that she’d written it months ago, when I still lived at Teague’s house.
Sometimes I can’t breathe, I’m trying to believe,
That your distant heart will bend,
Before mine breaks and finds the end.
I don’t know how to tame this,
But I need you to own and claim this.
I’m here to love you how you need,
I can’t tame this heart and how it bleeds.
She actually sang it to me recently—how she felt it should sound with music—and I was blown away. It’s a powerful song, about how crazy and wild her heart is for me, and that it can never be tamed because of how fierce her love is. Pretty amazing stuff. And yeah, I’m pretty damn stoked it’s how she feels about me because I feel the same way. She has a talent and I hope she decides to take it somewhere. I love her unconditionally and I’m so proud of her.
I pick up the ring and stare at it again.
I just don’t know how I’m going to do this…
~The End~
Only This
(The McCallans, Book Three)
Hadley Quinn
Cover Credits:
Model: Rick Halstead
Photographer: Randy Sewell of RLS Images
“It takes courage to follow your mind, but it takes everything to follow your heart.”
PROLOGUE
September
Two months earlier…
“Oh my God, I need a damn vacation,” Jay murmured quietly with an exhale.
