by Tara Sivec
His head jerks up as I empty the bottle and then toss it to the side, flipping up the lid on the squeeze-bottle of ketchup tucked under my arm before bringing it up above my head in both hands.
“You wouldn’t.”
“Oh, I would,” I threaten before squeezing hard on the bottle. An arc of ketchup flies out and hits Gavin right in the chest.
He blinks at me in shock and then charges. Squealing, I throw the ketchup bottle to the ground and turn to run, but my foot slides right through a ketchup/A-1 mixture and I slip across the floor, landing right on my ass. Gavin jumps over me and opens the fridge, quickly turning around and dumping a jar of black olives and all the juice on top of my head.
“Eeew, eew, eew! Black olives are disgusting!” I screech.
“Yeah, how do you like it now, bitch!”
I stop screaming and glare up at him.
“Oops, my bad. Please don’t kill me,” he pleads.
“Gavin, you seriously need to get your mailing address changed. I’m getting tired of bringing over your—”
Uncle Carter stops at the doorway to the kitchen and looks back and forth between the two of us. I quickly pull the chef coat closed and avoid looking at him while I button it back up.
“Hey, Dad. So, what’s new?” Gavin asks casually as he leans against the fridge.
Reaching over, I smack him in the leg and hold my hand out to him with an angry glare. He quickly grabs my hand and pulls me up off of the floor, moving me behind him so I’m not standing in front of his father, half-naked and covered in black olive juice.
“Well, at least you’re not naked with Tyler again,” Uncle Carter says with a sigh.
Gavin looks at me and whispers. “Don’t ask.”
Uncle Carter turns and walks out of the kitchen.
“Follow me,” he shouts back to us.
Gavin and I stare at each other for a few minutes before he shrugs and grabs my hand, pulling me into the living room behind his dad. We find him sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little freaked out right now. Uncle Carter is usually never this quiet. Is he going to yell at us? Be disappointed that we’re kind of sort of together and haven’t told the family?
“I was really afraid of this happening,” Uncle Carter finally says with a sigh as we stand in front of him with our heads bowed like two kids at the principal’s office.
Oh my God, here it comes. He’s going to tell us what a bad idea it is for us to be together. He knows Gavin doesn’t love me and that it’s only going to end in disaster.
Uncle Carter raises his head and looks back and forth between the two of us. “Be honest with me here. How long has this been going on?”
My heart is racing a mile a minute and I kind of want to cry. I can’t believe this is happening.
“Um, like a week? Or something,” Gavin mumbles.
“A week. Okay. Okay, we can fix this. That’s not enough for any long-term damage,” Uncle Carter says reassuringly.
Except I am NOT reassured. I am not reassured at all. What kind of long-term damage is he talking about? It’s official. I’m going to have to marry my fake, gay boyfriend and spend the rest of my life never having awesome sex with the man I love ever again.
“I don’t think we’ll need hypnosis. Maybe just some mind-altering drugs. I wonder if acid would work. I’ve never done acid. It should be perfectly safe in small doses,” Uncle Carter tells us.
“Dad, what the fuck are you talking about? I love Charlotte. We’re not taking acid and nothing needs to be fixed,” Gavin argues.
Wait, what the fuck?!
“I know you love her. Love has nothing to do with this,” Uncle Carter complains.
I say again, THE FUCK?!
“Love has everything to do with it!” Gavin shouts.
“Gavin, I don’t think you understand the seriousness of this situation. Look at the two of you. You’re so young. It’s not a path you want to go down.”
“Dad, are you high right now? Seriously. Has Tyler been to your house? Did you eat any little pieces of chocolate he might have left behind?” Gavin demands.
“Gavin, listen to me. Whatever Uncle Drew and Aunt Jenny have taught you, there’s still time for you to unlearn it. There’s still hope for both of you to live normal, happy lives,” Uncle Carter pleads.
“Dad, you are talking out of your ass right now. We are already living normal, happy lives.” Gavin wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in close to him. A black olive covered in ketchup drops out of my hair and lands on the ground by my feet with a splat.
Uncle Carter looks back and forth at us. “But you’re covered in food. First it’s food, then it’s Skittles and a trip to the emergency room, and the next thing you know, you’re out on the streets begging strangers for honey and jumper cables. JUST SAY NO to weird sex, GAVIN!”
Gavin starts to laugh and I probably would too if I wasn’t in complete and utter shock at the words that came out of his mouth a few seconds ago.
“Dad, we have not been taking sex lessons from Uncle Drew and Aunt Jenny. Don’t worry,” Gavin reassures him.
Uncle Carter gets up from the couch and rushes toward us, wrapping his arms around both of us and squeezing us to him. Just as quickly, he lets go of us and backs away toward the door.
“Well, alrighty then. You two kids have a nice evening.”
It’s Halloween and my favorite holiday of the year. I should be a little more excited right now, but I’m not. Gavin and I still haven’t discussed the bomb he dropped on me last week. Well, I haven’t discussed it. I’ve done everything I can to avoid talking about it, including taking advice from Aunt Jenny.
“If you ever want to distract a guy from talking about something serious, just mention your period. It works every time. When Uncle Drew asks me if his butt looks big in a pair of jeans, I just tell him I’ve got cramps and he runs away screaming.”
We’ve spent almost every day together and it’s pretty obvious at this point that I’m not ready to talk about the whole “love” thing.
“So, don’t you think we should talk about what happened at my place the other night?” Gavin asked.
“My ovaries feel like their being ripped out of my body right now, and I’m losing so much blood it could kill a horse, and you want to talk?!” I shouted in panic.
“I just … I think my phone’s ringing. At work. I’m going to get in my car and drive to work to answer my phone. The phone. At work,” Gavin mumbled before turning and racing out of my house.”
It’s killing me not telling him I love him. But I have to figure out a way to get rid of my pretend gay boyfriend and still keep him as my friend without Gavin knowing what I’ve done. Piece of cake.
“Later.”
“When later?”
“Just, later, alright?”
“But when? Isn’t it time yet?”
“Jesus Christ, Drew, will you stop asking if it’s time to go yet? We’ll go when the pumpkins are finished being carved,” Uncle Carter complains as I walk into Aunt Claire and Uncle Carter’s kitchen.
Uncle Drew grumbles and flops down in one of the kitchen chairs.
Every year, we all go to a Halloween Walk in the Woods that the local Metro Park puts on. Uncle Carter always volunteers to carve a few pumpkins for their displays, and each year he tries to one-up the other volunteers on the level of pumpkin carving difficulty. This year, I think he’s taken it to a whole new level.
“Sweetie, you should know by now to never tell Drew we’re going somewhere. You just throw him in the car when it’s time to leave,” Aunt Claire reminds him as she comes into the kitchen. “Hey, Charlotte! Cute costume.”
I look down at my knee high white socks, black four-inch Mary Jane’s, short plaid skirt, and white button-down tied under my boobs, and I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself. Rocco brought the outfit over earlier and helped me get dressed and even put my hair into pigtails.
“Where’s Gavin?” I ask as I take in the scene in front of me. There are pumpkin guts everywhere, and Uncle Carter is so deep in concentration on carving the pumpkin in front of him that he doesn’t even notice Uncle Drew has carved an extra piece of pumpkin into the shape of a penis and is currently pinning it to the back of Uncle Carter’s pumpkin.
“Jenny’s with him in the bathroom helping him finish up his costume. Oh my God, Carter. Who’s going to get the pumpkin guts off of the ceiling?” Aunt Claire asks as she stares above the table.
“Don’t worry, I’ll scrape them off. It’s my fault. The electric drill had a mind of its own,” Uncle Carter replies as he starts gathering up all of the newspapers from the table with piles of guts on them.
“Is there any particular reason why you thought power tools were necessary when carving pumpkins? Our kitchen looks like Home Depot covered in shit right now,” Aunt Claire complains as she looks around the room and sees a drill, a sander, an electric nail gun, a circular saw, and a soldering iron, along with enough extension cords to plug something in all the way to China. “Oh my God, there’s pumpkin on the curtains.”
“What’s up, bitches and hos?!” Tyler shouts as he walks into the kitchen with a five-year-old little boy in tow.
“Yay, Tyler’s here,” Uncle Carter deadpans.
“Who’s the kid?” Uncle Drew nods in the little boy’s direction.
“This is my little cousin, Josh. Josh, say hi to everyone,” Tyler tells him.
“This is stupid. I hate costumes,” Josh complains as he tugs on the neck of his Batman cape.
“Tyler, your cousin’s a dick, dude,” Uncle Drew replies.
“I know. But my aunt and uncle are out of town and I got stuck babysitting him so-OWWW! SON OF A BITCH!” Tyler screams as Josh kicks him in the shin.
“You’re a dick,” Josh tells him.
“Never mind,” Uncle Drew says. “Your cousin is awesome.”
Gavin walks into the kitchen then and we both stare at each other with wide eyes. Word hasn’t seemed to have spread through the family yet that we’re sort of together so for right now, we decided to just try and act normal when we’re with everyone. That’s going to be impossible with the costume he’s wearing right now and the way he’s staring at mine.
“Is everyone ready to go? We should probably leave soon so we can get a good parking space,” Gavin finally says, tearing his gaze away from me.
“Dude, what the fuck are you wearing?” Uncle Drew asks, getting up from his chair and walking over to Gavin.
“What?” Gavin asks in confusion, looking down at his costume and then back up at Uncle Drew.
“Seriously, that’s what you’re wearing? That’s embarrassing.”
“What’s wrong with what he’s wearing? He’s a cowboy and I think he looks very handsome,” Aunt Claire replies.
“He looks like that homo from Brokeback Mountain. I JUST CAN’T QUIT YOU! That movie was like ten years ago, Muppet fucker,” Uncle Drew says with disappointment.
Gavin is wearing a barn coat with sheepskin lining over a button-down blue jean shirt, dark jeans, and cowboy boots. On his head is a black cowboy hat.
I want to shove him to the floor and fuck his brains out. Jesus, he looks good enough to eat.
“Who the hell are you supposed to be?” Gavin asks, pointing to Uncle Drew and his T-shirt that says: Don’t scare me, I poop easily.
Uncle Drew reaches over to the kitchen table and grabs a mask, sliding it over his face. “I’m Michael Myers, bitch!”
“I don’t think Michael Myers would wear a shirt like that,” Uncle Carter tells him.
“Fuck all your mothers. Everybody poops, even Michael Myers. Is it later now? Can we finally go?”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
The scream echoes through the forest and makes us all wince at the ear-piercing sound as we walk along the dark trail through the trees.
We’ve been listening to these screams for the past twenty minutes as we make our way through the Halloween Walk. There are jack-o-lanterns with candles in them lining the walkway and helping us see where we were going, but other than that, it’s pitch dark until we come up on another Halloween display every hundred yards or so.
Since it’s dark, Gavin and I have been able to steal a few hand-holding moments here and there, and while everyone was occupied with one of the haunted houses, he pulled me around the side of the house, pressed me up against it, and kissed me in the dark. My legs are still a little bit shaky from that kiss.
We pass the tree of skeletons. Over two hundred glow-in-the-dark skeletons hang down from a tree that has black lights shining on it to make them seem even more eerie. A man dressed in all black with glow-in-the-dark bones on his clothes jumps out and yells, “Boo,” which is the most recent cause for the ear-piercing scream.
“I swear to God if he screams one more time, I’m leaving his ass in the woods,” Tyler complains.
“Be nice. This walk is a little more scary this year,” I tell him.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
I cringe as another shriek fills the night air and our small group trudges farther down the path.
“Seriously? You could see the mechanical arms on that thing,” Tyler says with a roll of his eyes. “What a pussy.”
I feel a tug on my hand and looked down at Josh, clutching tightly onto both Gavin and I as he walks between us.
“Hey, Charlotte. What the heck is wrong with the guy with the poop shirt? Why does he keep screaming so much?”
I laugh and shake my head at him.
“His name is Drew and he’s a big baby, that’s what’s wrong with him,” Gavin answers for me.
“Hey! I heard that,” Uncle Drew yells from a few feet in front of us.
“You were supposed to hear that, dumbass,” Gavin replies.
“Awwww, you said ass,” Josh scolds.
“Yeah, so did you. So there!” Gavin sticks his tongue out at Josh.
We stop to look at a tombstone display while the others continue walking ahead.
“Are you ready to talk to me yet?” Gavin asks.
No! Distraction!
“Ha, look at that tombstone! It says Bea A. Fraid. Hilarious!” I say nervously.
“Charlotte, I lov—”
“MENSTRUAL CRAMPS!” I shout, cutting him off.
“What are men’s tall craps?” Josh asks.
Shit, I forgot he’s still with us.
“Do tall men get craps? I’m gonna be tall when I get bigger. I wanna get the craps,” Josh adds. “Gavin, do you get the craps?”
Gavin looks down at Josh in horror and then back up at me. “I think I hear my mom calling us. WE’RE COMING, MOM!”
Gavin turns and walks away quickly, and I follow behind him with Josh.
“I’m gonna tell my mom I’m getting the craps. This is gonna be awesome!”
Well, at least kids are good for one thing.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! SON OF A BITCH!”
We’re almost finished with the walk when a man dressed up as the Grim Reaper is suddenly walking elbow-to-elbow with Uncle Drew, staring straight at him as he walks, not saying a word.
“Hey you! Mean guy! Get away from poop guy before he cries!” Josh yells.
We all laugh at the prospect of Uncle Drew breaking down in the middle of the woods crying, but Josh’s shout stops the Grim Reaper in his tracks. He slinks back off into the woods to wait for the next group of unsuspecting walkers to come through so he can scare them.
There are a few more small houses set up along the path that they turned into haunted houses, and we come up to the first one. Aunt Claire didn’t want to take Josh through it just in case it was too scary, but he insisted.
My dad bought him a light-up wand when we first got to the Halloween Walk, and he wields it in front of him as we slowly make our way into the house.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” Uncle Drew chants quietly over and over.<
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“Will you shut up?” Dad scolds him in a loud whisper.
Cobwebs hang from the ceiling, body parts with blood all over them litter the floor and dangle from the walls, and a strobe light flashes as the sounds of scary music is piped through the house. We twist and turn through the maze of the rooms, electronic bats falling down from the ceiling around one turn, a mummy popping up from a coffin around another, and a person dressed up like Freddy Kruger jumping out at us close to the exit.
As soon as the guy leaps out from behind the door and throws his razor fingernails up at us, Josh smacks him in the hand with his light stick.
“OW!” screams Freddy Kruger as he clutches his injured razor hand to his chest.
“Ha! Not so tough now, are you, Fred?” Uncle Drew laughs as he walks by the guy and out the exit.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Uncle Drew screams as the Grim Reaper guy steps out from the side of the house directly into his path. Uncle Drew holds his hands to his throat and starts choking on his own spit from yelling so loud.
“Drew, for God’s sakes, keep it together, man,” Dad mutters as I stick a finger in my ear in an attempt to rub out the ringing going on from Uncle Drew’s girly screams.
“I pacifically told him he shouldn’t go with us if he was going to be too scared,” Aunt Jenny mutters. “Baby, do you need the Heineken Remover?” she asks as she walks over and starts smacking him on the back.
“I DON’T KNOW IF HE DOES, BUT I COULD SURE USE A HEINEKEN RIGHT NOW, JENNY!” Tyler shouts.
“Dude, why are you shouting?” Gavin asks.
“Didn’t your aunt have like a stroke or something? Isn’t that why she’s a little off? I figure if I talk loudly she’ll understand me,” Tyler explains.
“No, no stroke. She’s just kind of … special,” Gavin adds nicely.
We continue down the path, following the lit jack-o-lanterns to the next haunted house. The Grim Reaper walks elbow to elbow with Uncle Drew the entire way, never once taking his eyes off of him.
“Okay, seriously, fucker. If you’re going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out,” Uncle Drew complains.
