By the time I reached my block, I was warmed by the sun, oddly energized, and I leapt up the front stairs of my house quick, opened the door and walked inside.
“Oh!”
“Grey!”
Adam was lying back on my couch, book in his hand, Chewy on his lap. He shot up as I came in the door. “Um—hi,” he said, sitting up and putting the book back down. “You’re back early.” It was strange finding him there, seemingly so comfortable in my space, like he felt at home.
I couldn’t help but smile slightly. “Yeah, I… well, a lot happened today.”
A slight blush broke out onto Adam’s cheeks. “I, uh… I’m sorry, I just got back from walking Chewy, and I saw the book, and I started reading….”
I smiled wider. “That’s fine,” I said. “But now you don’t get to make fun of me for reading romance novels. Clearly you like them too.”
He smiled bashfully, looking toward the floor. “Hey, I never ‘made fun of you’ for it,” he said. “But, uh, yeah, it’s not bad.”
I bent down to pet Chewy, who was making circles at my feet.
“So you said a lot happened? What’s up?”
I nodded. “A lot, honestly.” I thought for a moment, petting Chewy, then looking back up at Adam. “Actually… have you had lunch yet?”
He shook his head.
“Would you want to go walk somewhere in town and get food? It would be nice to explain shit to someone who isn’t my mother. I’m not quite ready to face her yet.”
“Sure, that sounds great. The weather is unreal out there,” Adam said, sitting up from my couch and slipping his boots back on.
“It is pretty perfect outside,” I replied. “Have you ever been to Fox’s Diner?”
He shook his head.
“We’re going there then. It’s only a five-minute walk and its probably one of the best diners you’ll ever go to.”
He gave me a crooked smile. “I don’t know, I’ve been to a lot of awesome diners….”
I shook my head. “Not ones like this.”
As we walked, I told Adam what Randy had told me, and then my plans to maybe finally make the move to Portland in 3 months after the job ended.
“Wow,” Adam said, walking next to me on the narrow sidewalk, deep green shrubs brushing past his side. “So you’re… leaving Fox Hollow,” he said, more a statement than a question.
“Yup,” I said, “I’m going to try. My main issue has always been not wanting to leave my mom—but I think if I go to Portland, I can drive back here on my days off to take care of her, and then if I get a well-paying job I can save up enough to maybe move her out there somewhere. Might take a year or two or three… but I think eventually I could do it.”
“I see,” Adam said. “What kind of job would you get there, you think?”
I shrugged, squinting in the sunlight. “I don’t know. Probably just be a bartender, honestly. It’s one of the better-paying jobs I could get.”
We approached Fox’s diner, and I reached to open the chrome-coated door and stepped in.
The lighting was fairly muted as usual, with the familiar dark wood bar and low, forest-green stools in front of it. On the other side the deep red booths were filled with people, only a couple of booths left open even long after the breakfast rush. We sat at one of the empty booths, sinking in next to the brick wall.
“Shit, dude, this place is absolutely gorgeous,” Adam said, still looking all around at the black and white photos on the wall, the warm lighting, and servers bustling around. “It’s like a relic.”
“Yup. Most popular place to go in Fox Hollow, probably because it’s one of the only good places.”
“Oh, come on, there’s plenty of good places here.”
I raised one eyebrow. “Like…?”
Adam thought for a moment. “Well, there’s that awesome Italian restaurant down the street. That doughnut shop on Wilmot Ave. has probably the best doughnuts I’ve ever had. And… um….”
“Yeah, that’s about it,” I said. “I don’t know why you seem to like this town so much.”
“I can’t see how you don’t,” Adam said, looking down and picking up a little packet of jam on the table.
“Afternoon, gentlemen,” one of the waitresses, Mary-Ann, said as she sidled up to the table. I liked Mary-Ann. She’d been working at the diner for as long as I could remember, and she knew my mom and me. “Hi Grey. Who’s your friend?”
“Mary-Ann—this is Adam. He’s new in town.”
She held out her hand and he smiled up at her. It was odd—I still felt like I was seeing a famous person when I saw Adam interacting with others, but when it was just the two of us, I’d almost forgotten entirely. She and Adam had a quick conversation about the cleaning company Adam worked for, before Mary-Ann turned back to me.
“How’s your mother, Grey?” Mary-Ann asked, furrowing her brow at me.
I took a breath. “Oh, you know,” I said, forcing a smile. “She’s the same. Doing better since last year, though, for sure.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Mary-Ann said, leaning over to rub me on the shoulder. “Barbara’s a good woman. And you’re such a good son, helping her with all her medical appointments….”
I nodded, biting my bottom lip.
“Anyway,” Mary-Ann said, waving a hand through the hair, “Any coffee for you two?”
“Please,” I said, relieved that she’d dropped the subject of my mom.
“Sure, I’ll take one, and a water,” Adam said.
“Be right back with that for you guys.”
There was a pause after she left the table, and I looked up to find Adam giving me a faraway look.
“What?” I asked.
“Hm?”
I smiled a little at him. “Why you looking at me like that?”
“Nothing,” he said, giving a little shrug of his shoulder and sitting back in the booth.
I couldn’t help but smile even more, shaking my head. What was he trying to do? It was driving me crazy, but in a kind of delicious way, and I had to get inside his head. “It’s not ‘nothing.’ I know better. What’re you thinking?”
He took a breath in. “You’ll probably hate me for saying this, but…”
“But what?”
He flicked his eyes up to me, meeting my gaze from under his lashes. “…It’s just clear that you really love your mom.”
“Oh,” I said, turning my eyes back down to the table. “I mean, yeah, duh, right?”
“I just mean you really care about her. Not just in the obligatory way, but it’s clear she’s a big part of your life.”
I hitched up one shoulder in a shrug. “Yeah, well, she needs me. My dad left when I was super young. She lost her job like 7 years ago. She’s been a single mom pretty much forever.”
Taking care of my mom had pretty much just been the default for me for so long, especially after she lost her job and when her hip had gotten so bad. She lived close to me, so it was just something I felt I had to do—not some grand sweeping thing that made me a great son.
Adam pulled in a breath. “My mom… doesn’t need me at all. She won’t even really call me until I call her for something. Sometimes I wish it was different.”
I looked up to him and saw that now his eyes were downcast, the smile absent from his face.
“Two coffees for you guys,” Mary-Ann said, appearing again and dropping the two mugs in front of us. It was steaming, and it smelled so perfect and inviting, already making me feel more alert just from smelling the roasted aroma. “What can I get you to eat?”
“Oh, uh, I hadn’t even looked,” Adam said, suddenly glancing down at the menu.
“Take your time, guys, I’ll be back in a few.”
“What’s the best here?” Adam asked after a minute.
“I’m boring,” I said, “I get the same thing every time. Silver dollar pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage.”
“I’ll get the same,” Adam said. “Definitely blueberry pancakes, t
hough.”
I nodded, and a moment later, was surprised to feel Adam’s hand on mine, on top of the table. He gave me a gentle squeeze, and my heart felt like it leapt up to my throat. I got that feeling, when he touched me. Like it was something I didn’t quite deserve, but was so lucky to have, and I wanted to feel him on me like that as much as I possibly could.
His eyes were earnest, staring gently into mine.
“Hey,” he said, “I know you don’t love talking about you family life or Fox Hollow, but I like learning about you, Grey. You never have to talk about anything you don’t want, though.”
I nodded, kind of dumbfounded by how kind he was. “Thank you. And yeah, I like… talking about stuff with you, too. But I swear there are so many more interesting things about me than just my mom, for God’s sake.”
He laughed. “Like what?” he said, turning my hand over on the tabletop and gently tracing his finger over my palm in a light, swirling pattern. It felt absurdly good, so sweet and unexpected.
“Uh,” I said, “I don’t know. Like… movies. Or the animal shelter. Or… crazy customers I get at Freezy Sweet. Anything, really.”
“Yeah, good point,” Adam said, grasping my hand in his again. “I want to know about all those things, too. I’d wanna hear probably anything you told me, though, to tell you the truth.”
I felt a gentle squeeze in my chest at the unexpected intimacy of the moment, here in the middle of a diner.
“Making any progress over here?” I heard Mary-Ann’s voice behind me. I quickly snapped my hand away from Adam’s, pressing it down against my thigh under the table.
I looked up at Mary-Ann, feeling my cheeks get hot. “Oh. Yeah. I’m gonna have what I always have, the #3.”
“And I’ll get the same,” Adam said, handing over the menu to Mary-Ann. “With blueberry pancakes.”
“Alrighty, boys, have these out to you right quick.” She walked away, rubber shoes squeaking on the tile. My entire body felt hot and uncomfortable. The ambient noise of the diner filled the silence again, and when I finally looked up at Adam I saw him regarding me strangely.
“You ok, Grey?” he asked.
“Hm?”
“Are you alright? You just… kinda pulled away really quick there.”
Shit. I was hoping he hadn’t noticed, but obviously he had. I guess it would have been hard for him not to see me recoiling from his touch as soon as Mary-Ann had showed up.
I took a deep breath. There was no way I could get out of it now. I was going to have to tell Adam the truth.
“Well,” I said, pressing my hands against my thighs and then meeting his eyes, “I guess there is another thing I should tell you about me.”
Seven
Adam
I braced myself for what Grey was going to say.
He couldn’t be dating someone else, could he? Or, God, what if he was embarrassed to be seen with me? I didn’t have too good a read of the general populace of Fox Hollow yet, but who knows, maybe they hated me, the newbie in town, and I just couldn’t tell.
I swallowed, waiting for him to speak.
“So…” he said, lowering his voice so much that it was almost inaudible. “Um. My mom… doesn’t know I’m into guys.”
A wave of both relief and sadness washed over me.
“Oh,” I said, sitting back in my seat slightly and eyeing Grey closely. “Why not?”
“I don’t know,” he said, suddenly shifting in his seat, looking very uncomfortable. “It just… hasn’t come up, and I don’t think she’d react well to it. And… I just don’t want her to hear about it secondhand from Mary-Ann, for God’s sake.”
“Okay,” I said, the puzzle pieces falling into place in my head. “So, did your mom not know about you and your ex?”
“Bryce? Oh, God no,” he said, furrowing his brow. “Bryce and I… it was short-lived, and he kind of didn’t want anyone to know. He was the first guy I’d ever been with, and being with him helped me confirm that I am definitely bisexual, but it wasn’t the best relationship.”
“I see.”
“So my mom only ever met my ex Tara… who she loved, and adored, and couldn’t get enough of. She’d secretly ask me when I was going to propose to Tara, the whole nine yards. My mom has wanted me to have a girlfriend ever since I was old enough.”
I turned my head to one side. “And why’s that?”
Grey shrugged. “The obvious answer would be that she doesn’t want me to be lonely like she is. Wants me to have a lot of kids, because she thinks having only one was a mistake. Wants me to ‘fit in’ to the world.”
I suddenly realized the bittersweet nature of Grey’s relationship with his mom. Clearly he loved her, and was devoted to her, but she didn’t know the real him, and it was obvious how much it affected Grey.
“Okay… well, you know you could do all of that with another guy, too, Grey? Have kids, fit in, be less lonely….”
He took a deep breath and nodded, bringing his hands up to the table and fiddling with the handle on his coffee mug. “I know that. I just don’t know if she does. Or how she’d feel about it.”
“Well, there’s no better way to let her know than to talk to her about it, right?”
He shook his head, looking to the side. “You’d think. But I just know it would crush her to hear. She can be… I don’t know, pretty conservative.”
“My parents were about as conservative as they come, and I let them know as soon as I could that I was gay. But I understand, Grey—it’s your decision what you do or don’t want to tell your mom.” There was no part of me that wanted to try to dictate what Grey should do.
He nodded solemnly, taking a small sip of black coffee. “And… to be honest with you, I don’t know how much longer my mom has.”
“Jesus,” I whispered. “Really?”
He gave a helpless shrug. “I really don’t know. She has so many medical problems. She’s been in and out of the hospital for years, now. I still can’t fucking get her to quit smoking. I feel… pretty powerless about the whole situation.”
“Well I certainly can understand that. I have no clue where I’d be if I hadn’t been able to join the band when I was younger. I don’t even know if my parents would have let me stay in the house once I turned 18.”
“Wow,” Grey said, looking up at me.
“Yeah,” I said, before another long pause. There was a sadness, now, hovering in the space between us, on what had otherwise been such an effortlessly enjoyable day.
“But… I’m so fucking sorry, Adam,” Grey said, lowering his voice a little.
“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?”
“The fact that I… that I can’t even be myself in public. I mean, it’s cowardice, isn’t it?”
I shook my head. “You shouldn’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. Period. If you’re not ready to come out to your mom, you’re not ready, and that’s your decision.”
He took a deep breath in, biting his bottom lip, looking beautiful and vulnerable all at once.
My idea of Grey had expanded a lot in the last five or so minutes. I’d had an idea of why he might be so high-strung and anxious—he did have a lot on his plate—but I saw that he also had this, this giant burden of not being able to tell his mother his true feelings. I knew how bad that could feel. It was too much for me to bear, which is why I’d told my parents right away as a teenager, even though I knew they’d freak out.
But Grey was different. I certainly wasn’t going to judge his decision, even if it meant I’d be disappointed I couldn’t do simple things like hold his hand in public. It was good enough being able to touch him in private—it was incredible, actually—and I told myself I didn’t need anything more than that. I didn’t need anything more than what Grey could give me.
We ate our food mostly in silence. It was maybe a little uncomfortable at first, but soon came to be natural. As we ate it almost became peaceful, sitting there with him and watching the lunch crow
d inside slowly die down.
When we left there were only a few other people inside the diner, and clouds were forming as we stepped outside.
“Sunshine couldn’t last forever,” Grey said with a small smile, looking up at the darkening clouds as we started the walk home. “Welcome to the Pacific Northwest.”
I shrugged. “I’m fine with overcast skies. I got enough sunshine for a lifetime growing up in the desert.”
“Good point. I don’t know how you dealt with that. Wasn’t it like, super dusty?”
“So dusty, Grey, you have no idea.”
He laughed. “Were there cactuses?”
“Cacti. The plural is cacti. And yeah, there definitely were. There certainly weren’t any gorgeous big green trees like there are here.”
“Dang, you really fuckin’ love it here, don’t you?” Grey said.
“It’s great, what can I say?”
“You make it sound way better than it really is.”
“Well, I moved to Fox Hollow and ended up with an incredibly cool, shockingly attractive next-door neighbor, so hey, I can’t complain. It’s not all just about the scenery, you know.” I gave him a little playful shove and he returned it, laughing on the otherwise empty street. I finally felt like I was with the Grey I’d come to know again. The sad, withdrawn version of him I’d seen in the restaurant had thrown me a little, but I finally felt like he was showing his true self again.
The gravel crunched under our feet as we walked home, slow and languid.
“I had a lot of fun the other night,” Grey finally said out of nowhere, turning to look at me.
“I really did too,” I said.
“You should—uh,” Grey started to say, then paused. After a second I stopped walking too, turning back to look at him. We were only a block away from our street.
“What’s up?” I asked.
A slight pink blush appeared on his cheeks, and he squinted up at me. “I was gonna say you could come over. That is—if you’re not doing anything else tonight.” He bit his bottom lip.
I smiled a little. “I’m not,” I said.
He scratched the back of his neck. “I mean, I really don’t have much in the form of entertainment. But I have cheap beer and lots of movies to watch, and a dog that you already know loves you.”
Wild Star: Under the Stars Book 3 Page 9
