Frantically, Jessi took the rest of the casseroles out of the freezer and opened them. “Who the fuck brings tofu to a bereaved family?”
“What about tofu?” Judd asked as he strode into the kitchen. He smelled of body wash and shampoo, and he still clutched at the waist of the shorts.
Jessi grimaced. “Dinner may be a problem.” She showed him what she’d discovered. Together, they peered into one of the pans.
“I’m guessing that’s tuna,” Judd said with a frown as the dryer buzzed.
She covered her face with her hands. “I’m so embarrassed. Here I ask you to stay for dinner, and there’s absolutely nothing edible. I’m so sorry.”
He laughed. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Now tofu lady and tuna lady? They have some explaining to do.” Judd was glad when she laughed.
“Here’s what’s going to happen. We’ll get rid of all this mess, then we’ll go out for dinner. But first,” he held up a finger, “I’m going to put on my own clothes before we’re both embarrassed.”
Chapter 8
Jessi sat gazing out across the moonlit water to the red lighthouse on the opposite side of the inlet. In the cool evening breeze, she was almost cold in her casual pink and orange sundress. She thought about the ride from her house, unable to recall the last time she’d ridden alone with a man other than Graham. The uncomfortable feeling had returned, and she’d chided herself mentally.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, grow up! We’re going out because obviously, there’s nothing in the house to eat.
She’d been surprised when Judd played country music on the truck’s radio, although she couldn’t figure why that had been surprising. She knew nothing about the man and his taste, in music, or anything else for that matter.
When they’d pulled up in front of the Square Grouper, she’d also been surprised. It was not the kind of place Graham had liked, he’d been more a fan of quiet and sedate restaurants. Places that were actually indoors, unlike this bar with sand for a floor and palm trees for a roof.
She found she rather liked it. Looking back, she realized that she and Graham had rarely ever gone out to a bar. Occasionally for girls’ night out, she and Sarah and a few of their friends met for cocktails at the bar of the local Cheesecake Factory, but that was usually just a preamble to going to the movies.
The bar had been noisy and crowded when they’d entered, and she’d stiffened apprehensively, unsure of where to go. Judd seemed to have noticed, and he’d placed a hand gently on the small of her back, guiding her through the crowd to the table by the water where she now sat.
Judd seemed to be well-known among the crowd there, several times his name was called out raucously. “Yo, Judd!” He’d laughed and returned the greetings.
“Here you go, Jessi. I’ll go get us some beers and order a couple of burgers.” And he’d left her to ignore the crowd in favor of the tranquility of the full moon on the water, the rotating beam at the top of the lighthouse, the occasional boat that passed by.
“I’m back,” he said, handing her a bottle of Blue Moon and sitting beside her with his own. “The burgers will be out in a while.” He took a pull on his beer and sighed. “This is one of my favorite places to sit and relax.” Glancing at her, he frowned a bit. “Are you alright? I mean, is this place okay?”
Jessi nodded. “It’s nice. I’ve never been here before.” She looked back towards the bar as the laughter peaked again. “They seem to know you.”
He grinned. “Yeah, I’m here quite a bit. I hate to cook for myself.”
She watched him thoughtfully for a moment. “You aren’t married, then?”
Sipping his beer again, he shook his head. “Nope. I was for a while a few years back but it didn’t work out.”
“I’m sorry. That’s sad, I think.”
“Sometimes people just grow in different directions,” he said with a shrug.
Jessi felt awkward, like she should be more sympathetic but she didn’t know what to say. Thankfully, their food arrived, large cheeseburgers with what looked to be homemade French fries. For the next few minutes they concentrated on eating.
Judd groaned appreciatively. “This place has the best burgers in town.”
“It’s really good,” Jessi agreed, although she barely picked at her plate.
He looked thoughtful as he dipped a fry in ketchup. “Tell me about your business,” Judd prompted.
She looked up, surprised. “Oh, well, it’s event planning. You know, weddings, parties, fund raisers, that kind of thing. About four years ago, my friend Sarah and I got tired of teaching and decided to take the plunge.”
Judd grinned. “You were a teacher?”
“Ninth grade English. I did it for a long time, but I was ready for a change.”
“How is your business doing?”
Jessi smiled a little. “Pretty well, actually. We average about three events a week. Matter of fact we have a big party tomorrow night. I’ll probably spend most of the day taking care of last minute details.”
He nodded. “You said that Friday worked out better this week. I’ll be working tomorrow, too.”
“Have you always been a paramedic?” she asked.
“After I graduated from Florida State, I started out as a firefighter,” he said. He laughed at her automatic grimace. “Don’t tell me, you’re a Florida graduate.”
Jessi laughed lightly. “Go, Gators!”
He chuckled with her. “Anyway, after a few years I went to EMT school, and then later I completed my paramedic training.”
“Does being a paramedic keep you safer than being a firefighter?” Her brow furrowed with worry.
Judd smiled. “I suppose. I don’t run into many burning buildings anymore. We wait for the guys to bring victims out of the fires. And we respond to heart attacks, injuries, car accidents, that kind of thing.”
He watched Jessi’s eyes widen. “No,” he shook his head. “I didn’t get the call for Graham’s accident. I was off that day.”
“How did you know...“
“Jessi, your eyes show everything you’re thinking,” he said gently. “It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw.”
Jessi immediately looked down at her plate, concerned about what else her eyes might give away. Judd went back to eating and she picked at her burger some more. Looking back up, she spoke again. “How did you know Graham?”
Judd looked back up at Jessi, swallowed his bite of burger, and cleared his throat. “I followed his blog for quite a while.” Jessi blinked, trying to make the leap from following a blog to being friends.
He sighed, wiping his mouth and setting down his napkin. “I told you my marriage ended because we wanted different things in life. As things started going south, I realized that one problem was that both of us wanted to be in control. And it didn’t work. There was no yin to the yang, you know?”
Jessi nodded, frowning.
“I started looking online for anything that could help, some kind of advice to help me save my marriage. The more I looked, the more I realized that in my core self, I’m Dominant.”
Judd paused to let that sink in. Jessi was listening raptly. “I found a few websites about being Dominant, you know the kind of thing, ‘do this’, ‘don’t do that’. When I started going out again after the divorce, I tried some things, some really stupid things. I made a few dates through FetLife and they were disastrous.” He shook his head, half smiling. “Graham’s writing was a revelation. I thought, here’s a guy who knows what it is to be Dominant, to lead a submissive in the right way.”
She still didn’t say anything so he pushed on. “I became something of a stalker,” he laughed, “reading every article, digging through his archives... I commented on his posts and asked questions, and he was always nice, he always took the time to answer me.” Judd took a break, nibbling on a handful of fries. Jessi sipped her beer and waited.
“When I realized he was local, I worked up the nerve to ask him to meet me for coffee, and he
agreed. We met at Howley’s, and we talked for hours.”
“Howley’s,” Jessi repeated.
Judd grinned wryly. “Cooked in sight...”
“Must be right,” she finished, smiling sadly.
He nodded. “We met about once a month after that. He was my mentor, but he was also my friend.”
“He never told me this. I never knew that he was meeting someone, mentoring someone.” Jessi gazed out over the water.
“That last time,” Judd began, “he was preoccupied. He kept talking about what would happen to you when he was gone.”
“Why?” Jessi quietly pleaded. “Why did he think something was going to happen? Why didn’t he tell me if he thought something was wrong?”
Judd shook his head. “I don’t know. I think maybe he was feeling like something was off, and he didn’t want to worry you.” He looked at Jessi and sighed. “Graham asked me to promise I’d look out for you, make sure you were alright. Those things I work on at your house?” Jessi nodded. “Before we left Howley’s that day, he handed me an envelope with my name on it, said in the event something happened to him, I should open it.”
“It was a list of chores around my house?” Jessi asked. Judd nodded solemnly.
Jessi frowned. “Was the dog on that list?”
Judd laughed. “Yes. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make that happen.”
He looked down for a moment. “The list was the second page. The first page was a letter outlining how he wanted me to make sure that you were okay. He worried about you, Jessi.”
She looked away and swiped at a lone tear with the heel of her hand. “I just don’t understand,” she said quietly.
“There’s more, Jessi.” She looked back at him expectantly. “Graham gave me two envelopes that day. The one for me...and one for you.”
Jessi’s eyes widened. “You mean you’ve had—“
Judd put up a hand to stop her. “He told me to give it to you when the time was right. Jessi, I had it in the pocket of my jacket on the day of the funeral. But you were surrounded by assholes saying really stupid things, and you looked like you’d been hit by a bus, and it didn’t seem like the right time to give it to you. I’ve had it in my truck every time I’ve come by.”
He placed his hand over hers. “I think it’s the right time tonight. I’ll give it to you when we get back to your house.”
The drive back to Jessi’s was accented by tense silence. Judd watched out of the corner of his eye as Jessi wrung her hands together anxiously, her face tight. When they pulled into the driveway, she unbuckled her seatbelt.
“Hang on a second,” he told her. “I’ll get your door.”
STANDING AT THE KITCHEN island, he handed her an envelope. Her heart ached at the sight of Graham’s familiar left-handed scrawl across the face of the envelope.
For Sparrow.
Jessi’s eyes filled with tears.
Judd spoke softly. “I’ll be out back when you’re finished, and we can talk about it if you like.” He squeezed her shoulder gently. “Come on, Buddy. Let’s go outside.” Happily, the puppy followed Judd out the back door.
Chapter 9
Jessi’s hands shook. With her index finger she traced the writing on the front of the envelope. She glanced out the back door to see Judd kick off his shoes and sit on the edge of the pool, sinking his feet in the water. Buddy flopped down beside him and rolled over, wanting his tummy scratched, and Judd obliged.
She turned her attention back to the envelope. Her irrational self told her that if she didn’t open it, somehow everything could go back to normal. But curiosity won the moment, and she slid her thumb under the flap and carefully opened the letter.
My dearest Sparrow,
I’m so sorry I’m not there with you. I can feel my heart beginning to wear out. Please don’t be angry with me for not telling you, I know how you worry about things. We’ve had a good life together. I’ve told you before and I’m telling you again, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. The fact that you are the mother of my children amazes the hell out of me. What did I ever do to deserve such a terrific family?
Jessi reached up to wipe a silent tear from her cheek. Self-consciously, she flicked her eyes out to the pool deck to find that Judd was watching her intently, and he flashed a sympathetic smile. Sniffing, she read on.
It would be pointless, I suppose, to tell you not to mourn. Just don’t do it too long. And don’t you dare wear black. God, I hate all that maudlin bullshit. Now Sparrow, you and I know that you are a natural submissive. I don’t want you to feel lost without a Dominant in your life. I want you to find one, a true Gentleman who will cherish you in the way you deserve. One who will nurture the sexy, sensual woman you truly are. Don’t you go back to some kind of vanilla half-existence. That would really piss me off.
Tears still streaming, she laughed because she could almost hear Graham’s voice.
If you have this letter, you’ve met Judd. I’ve known him for several years now, and he’s a solid Dominant. I’ve asked him to check in on you and to take care of some things around the house. I’ve also asked him to help you out until you find a Dominant of your own. Judd is willing to give you knee time, Sparrow, to help you settle your mind and find peace. I don’t mean sex and kink. He would be a sort of ‘emotional Dominant,’ just until you get back on your feet.
On the other hand, if you found yourself attracted to Judd, it would make me happy knowing that you’d be in good hands. He’s a good man, Jessi, a gentle man and a Gentleman. He would be a perfect sexual Dominant for you. I worry thinking about the dangers out there, Sparrow. You and Judd could make your own way.
Mortified, Jessi glanced out the back door. Thankfully, Judd was staring out across the pool. “I can’t believe you’re telling me these things,” she murmured to herself.
Anyway, I trust you, Sparrow. You’re smart and strong, and I’m so proud of you. Never forget that you are absolutely the love of my life. I’m forever grateful to you for taking my hard, stuffy heart and helping me to be a better man than I ever dreamed about being. Be sure the kids know how much I love them. I love you, my Sparrow, with all my heart. Live happy. Find love and cherish it.
Your loving husband and Master, G.
Jessi was completely undone. Sobbing, she folded her arms on the counter and rested her head on them. She cried until she felt she had no tears left. Moments passed and she raised her head. It hurt and her eyes felt puffy. With a glance at Judd and Buddy still sitting by the pool, she went into the powder room and splashed water on her face.
Taking a deep breath, she forced her feet out the back door and across the pool deck. Judd smiled up at her kindly. “How are you holding up?”
Jessi shrugged as she stepped out of her sandals and sat beside him, slipping her feet into the cool water. They sat without speaking, each gently sliding feet through the water, watching the ripples cross the pool and return to them. Judd moved his foot under her leg and raised her foot to the surface. The fuchsia nail polish was chipped and peeling.
“How long since you had a pedicure, Jessi?” he asked gently.
She moved her foot away and looked at him sharply. “What exactly did your letter say, Judd?”
He exhaled forcefully. “Like I said, he was worried about you. He said that you’re submissive and that you might need somebody in your life until you find your way.” He glanced at her knowingly. “When was the last time your mind was quiet, little one?”
A tear slid down Jessi’s cheek and she swiped at it roughly. “So, you’re my appointed Dominant, is that it?” she asked testily.
“It’s not like that.” Judd looked at her steadily. “Graham and I were friends. We talked about Dominance and submission for hours over the years. He trusted me. Trusted me with the one thing that meant the most to him in the world.”
He paused, gazing at her thoughtfully. “He didn’t want you to run into the wrong kind of man while you’re looking to ease your min
d, to fill that emptiness that I see in your eyes.” Jessi stubbornly looked away and swiped at her cheek again.
“You know, it’s entirely up to you. I’m going to complete the list of things around your house. I promised him I would. But whether you accept me as a surrogate Dominant? Only you can decide that.”
He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “You miss knee time, I know you do,” he said softly. “A chance to just let go of all the concerns that weigh you down.” Jessi turned back to look at him, her expression softer. “I’m not talking about kinky sex, tying you up and all that. I’m offering you a chance to clear your mind of everything, let me carry your burdens for a while.”
“Why? Why would you do that?” Her voice was strained.
Judd shrugged. “I’m Dominant. It’s what I crave, to be needed, to take care of a submissive.” He laughed lightly. “I’m a Dominant without a submissive, and you’re a submissive without a Dominant. For the time being, it works out well.”
He gazed at her steadily, kindness in his brown eyes. “Just say the word. Do you want knee time, little one?”
Another tear rolled down her cheek. And she nodded. “Yes,” she whispered. “I want knee time.”
He smiled patiently. “Yes, what, little one?”
“Yes, Master.”
Judd shook his head. “I’m not your Master, little one. Yes, Sir will do.”
Unconsciously, Jessi bowed her head submissively. “Yes, Sir, may I please have knee time?”
“Yes, you may,” he responded gently. “There is a big leather chair in your den. Be kneeling beside the chair in two minutes. Your eyes will be closed and you will clear your mind. Do you understand, little one?”
“Yes, Sir.” Jessi stood and started to walk away, but then turned and looked at him anxiously. “My clothes, Sir?”
“Your clothes are fine the way they are,” he answered. “Hurry. I’ll come to you shortly.”
“Yes, Sir,” she said, and she hurried into the house.
For Sparrow (The Dream Dominant Collection Book 3) Page 4
