by Erin Osborne
Kenzie just looks at me because she knows that I’m all about Connor and wanting to be with him. The way I’m acting right now makes it seem like I don’t want anything to do with him. Maybe that’s how I’m feeling right now, like pushing him away so he can find someone that he can have kids with and shit. She just doesn’t need to know that, no one does. I think that sounds about the best way to handle this situation though. At least in my drunk mind.
As soon as I’m done getting ready, I hear a bike pull up and I know that Connor is the one that’s picking me up. I probably should have thought drinking through a little more, but I don’t care right now. I’m ready to hit the club because it means that I can get home and climb under my covers sooner. That’s all I want. I want to be alone and hide from the rest of the world. I want to hide from Connor and his ability to see things that I don’t want anyone else to see. Ever.
“Babe, you ready?” he asks, walking into my room.
“Yep,” I slur out.
“You drunk already?” he asks, and I can hear the disappointment in his voice.
“Yep.”
“How am I gonna get you on the bike when you’re drunk?” he asks, sitting down on my bed.
“Don’t know.”
Connor looks at me and I know he’s trying to figure out what’s going on. There’s no way that he’s going to know what’s going through my mind right now. I don’t even know what’s honestly going through my mind, so there’s no way he’s going to know.
“Alright, let’s just go,” he says. “I’ll just take it slow and we’ll get there when we get there.”
There’s no point in arguing with him. He’s going to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I know that we’ll make it there and I’ll be okay. Connor will make sure of that. If there’s anything I know for sure regarding Connor, it’s that he’s going to do everything he possibly can to make sure that I’m safe and happy.
We’ve been at the club for hours. The girls and I have been drinking, dancing, and having a good time. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually having fun without having to pretend I am. I’ve also been ignoring Connor like he has the plague or something.
Right now, I’m out on the dance floor alone. The rest of the girls went to get more to drink and cool down. I don’t want to go over there right now though. As I’m dancing, I feel a set of arms wrap around me and someone step up close behind me. It’s not Connor. I know that from his scent and the feelings I’m not getting. When Connor is anywhere near me, I get feelings I can’t explain, and I know without having to look or anything that he’s close by.
Kind of like now. Without opening my eyes, I know that Connor is standing in front of me. Opening my glazed over eyes, I see the pain and rage filling his eyes. He has no clue what’s going on with me and where my mind’s at right now. All he knows is that I’m allowing some other guy to touch me and dance with me. Connor doesn’t know that I’m trying to push him away so he can find someone that can give him what he wants and needs. Not someone that’s broken and can never fulfill certain parts of life.
“I suggest you back the fuck off man,” Connor says, wrapping a possessive hand around the back of my neck before pulling me close.
“I don’t hear her telling me that.”
“She’s not in the right frame of mind to tell you anythin’. I am though and I’m her man.”
“When she tells me, I’ll gladly back off,” the guy says, not understanding who he’s messing with.
“He’s right,” I begin. “He’s my man and you shouldn’t be touching what belongs to him.”
The guy that was trying to dance with me takes a good look at Connor and for the first time realizes that he’s wearing a prospect cut. Hell, it’s the first time that I’m seeing it. Before anything else can be said, the guy is backing away and putting his hands up in surrender. I guess he doesn’t want to mess with a future member of the Wild Kings.
“I don’t know what’s goin’ on with you baby, but I’m not lettin’ you push me away. We’ll work through this and figure out where we go from here. Together.” Connor tells me.
“I can’t give you what you’ll eventually want. It’s better to end it now, before I fall more in love with you,” I tell him, my voice breaking with unshed tears.
“You think I’m goin’ to let that shit happen? I’m in this for the long ride. This is not goin’ to break us and I’m not lettin’ you go because you can’t give me what you think I want and need. Let me be the judge of that.”
“We’ll see,” I tell him, not believing his words.
Chapter Two
Irish
Six months later
IT’S BEEN A HELL OF A RIDE LATELY. Between prospecting for the club and things going on with Caydence, I don’t know what to do most days. The club takes up most of my time and I have to still find time to spend with my girl. She needs me, and I don’t feel like I’m giving her the time and attention she deserves. However, I don’t know how to fix it.
“Irish?” Pops yells out.
“What’s up?”
“Need you to come here for a minute. We have somethin’ to talk about.”
This is never good when Pops calls you out. He sees more than you want him to and he doesn’t let any of us get away with anything. I know that he’s talked to Caydence about things in the past, but it’s been a while. I’m sure that he’s seen the struggle I have with spreading my time between everything I have going on in my life.
“Son, I know that things are rough right now. You need to look into what’s goin’ on with your girl though,” he starts out. “I hardly see her around here anymore and I know there’s somethin’ wrong with her. One of you needs to have the courage to talk about it with someone though.”
“I can’t. It’s not my story to tell. It’s hers,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes.
“I know you want to talk about it. I can see the pain in your eyes Irish. Tell me what you can, and we’ll go from there.”
I take a minute to think about what I want to do. On one hand, I don’t want to betray Caydence and push her even farther away. But, on the other, I need to get this out and try to figure out the best way to help her. She’s more important to me than this club or anything else. I’ll leave the club if I have to for her.
“Don’t do anythin’ rash son. I see the thoughts runnin’ through your mind. Leavin’ this club ain’t gonna help anyone.”
“I want her to get the help she needs, but I don’t want her to feel betrayed by me. She’s already pushin’ me away, Pops.”
“That’s why we need to get her the help. She’s pushin’ us all away, son.”
Taking a deep breath, I begin to tell Pops what’s going on. “She found out just before graduation that she can’t have kids. After further testin’, we know now that she has Polycystic Ovarian Disease. So even if she manages to get pregnant, she’ll more than likely lose the baby. Caydence is takin’ it hard and it’s sinkin’ her further into her depression than she already was.”
“Just because she can’t have kids by herself, there are plenty of other ways to have children. You can have a surrogate, adoption, fosterin’, she needs to think about that.”
“I’ve tried several times to tell her that and she won’t listen.”
“Then I think it’s time to make sure she listens to someone. We’ll give her an intervention if we have to,” Pops tells me.
“I don’t know that she’s goin’ to go for that,” I tell Pops honestly.
“We’ll figure it out.”
Pops gets up and walks away. That’s just how he is. He says what he has to say and then he’s gone. Right now, he’s probably going to find Ma so they can start planning some sort of an intervention for my girl. They’ll make sure that only certain people are involved so that Caydence will be as comfortable as possible, but know that she’s loved and cared about by all of us.
About the same time, I hear someone else calling my name. Must b
e time to do something else a prospect is needed for. I know that Grim, Cage, and Joker are already busy escorting Gage down to a new chapter. And Glock is probably already doing something else. I just hope that it’s not cleaning up more puke. The last time I had to do that, I about lost my lunch myself.
Walking into the clubhouse, I see Crazy Eyes waiting for me. I hate when he needs me to do something for him. The man is full blown crazy, and I don’t know how he’s still in the club with everything he does. You never know what you’re going to have to do when he’s the one calling for a prospect.
“What can I do for you?” I ask, coming to a stop in front of him.
“Need you to go on a beer run,” he says. “Gonna have a party tonight and we need more alcohol.”
I nod and go to get one of the cages. There’s no way I can take my bike for a beer run. Whenever I have to take a cage, I hate it. I’d rather be on my bike, feeling the freedom and wind. Riding around in a cage, you don’t get that. It’s why I’ve been trying to take Caydence on the bike as much as I can. She loves it and I know that she’d spend her days on the bike if she could. Hell, I’m surprised she hasn’t gone out and gotten her own yet.
Making my way into town, I see Caydence walking down the street towards the pharmacy. I know she hasn’t been feeling well, and I hope that she’s going to get herself some medicine to get her over whatever is going on. I want to stop and pick her up, but I can’t right now. When I’m doing something for the club, I have to be doing that and nothing more. Obviously, there’s circumstances that exist meaning I can stop. But, picking up my girl is not one of them.
When I get to the liquor store, I pull around back. Someone from the club already called in an order and all I have to do is pick it up. I don’t even touch a single box. One of the employees comes out and loads the cage, gives me the bill, and I pay before making my way back to the clubhouse. As soon as I get there, the club girls will be waiting for me to unload it so they can put it away.
We’ve been at the party for a few hours now. Caydence is here but she’s been so quiet and sticking to herself. She hasn’t even been talking with the girls. Instead, she’s sitting in a corner with a glass of soda in front of her. I know it’s only soda because Ma will make sure it’s that, after the last few weeks and the way she’s been drinking. I want to go be with her, but the members have us all running around like chickens with our heads cut off. So far, I’ve been on three condom runs, been to get more alcohol since a few visitors showed up, I’ve cleaned puke up twice, and I’ve collected garbage from overflowing cans so much I can’t even begin to guess how many times.
Pops has been watching my girl and I know he sees that I want to go see her for a few minutes at least. Now, I see him talking to a few other members and I know we’re about to have this intervention. I nod my head to the rest of the girls, Grim, Cage, Joker, and Glock. We’re all going to be a part of this so that Caydence knows that she’s loved and we’re all here to support her.
“Caydence,” Ma calls out. “I need your help for a little bit.”
“Coming.”
I watch as she follows Ma down the hallway towards the game room. It’s set up more for the kids of the club and we’ve spent a lot of time in there. After a few minutes, Pops gathers the rest of us up and we all make our way there. As I enter the room, I see Ma and my girl moving a few of the chairs around. Must be this is the way Ma chose to keep her in here until we could get here.
Grim stands by the door so that Caydence can’t leave once she realizes what’s going on. The rest of us all sit down in the chairs and on the couches that are now moved closer together. Caydence looks at us all and I can see the moment she realizes what’s going on hit her. Her head lowers and she looks at the floor. Instead of trying to make her way out of the room or throw a fit, she takes a seat next to me. I grab her hand to let her know that I’m on her side.
“If we’re gonna do this, I don’t want the rest of the guys in here,” she tells us all. “I’m fine with Pops and Irish, but I’d be more comfortable if everyone else left. The girls are fine to stay too.”
One by one the guys get up, hug my girl, and make their way back out to do whatever needs to be done. Caydence takes a few minutes to gather herself before she starts talking. She holds my hand the entire time.
“With the way I’ve grown up with my mom, I’ve had depression for a very long time. Some days are better than others and some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most of the time I paste a fake smile on my face and try to laugh and joke around just to be ‘normal’. In reality, I feel like I’m dying inside with no one to help me,” she takes a break and I pull her into my side for support and comfort. “I’ve had to spend so much of my time depending on no one but myself, that I didn’t know how to tell any of you what was going on. Hell, Irish doesn’t even know what’s been going through my mind.”
“I do know part of what’s been goin’ through your mind. You’re pushin’ me and everyone else away from you. You want to deal with this all yourself because you think you know what I want and need. I love you baby and I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
Caydence looks at me with tears in her eyes and I see the love that she’s buried deep trying to shine through. It’s been hiding for so long now, that it takes my breath away to see it. She gives me a watery smile and I know she’s about to get to the part that is killing her inside.
“The next part is not to leave this room. I don’t want anyone else to know. Irish is going to have to lean on you, Pops, and the girls in this room pretty soon,” she says, trying to pull away from me. “Just before graduation, I found out that I’ll never have children of my own. I have Polycystic Ovarian Disease. Even if I do get pregnant, I’ll more than likely never carry a baby to term, or even long enough to deliver alive and safely. I’ll end up having a miscarriage. I’m debating having something done to prevent me from even having to worry about that. This news has made my depression even worse, and I know that it’s making me push everyone else away. I don’t feel like a true female since I can’t do the one thing that I’m supposed to be able to do,” Caydence says as she takes another break. “Earlier today I found out that I am in fact pregnant. I know you saw me walking to the pharmacy Irish and I was going there to get a test. It came back positive and that’s why I’ve been sitting all alone all night.”
There’s nothing I can say right now. I can’t feel joy and excitement at hearing that I’m going to be a dad, the baby will not be born unless a miracle occurs. Instead, my heart is breaking for the loss that’s imminent. I can’t imagine what my girl is going through right now. She’s been tryin to deal with this all alone, and I know it’s taking every ounce of strength to be telling us all this.
“Baby, we’re going to be there for you no matter what you’re going through,” Ma tells her. “What we need to do right now is get you in to see someone so you can get help with the depression and we’ll figure out the rest once we get you feeling better. Unless you already have a plan in place.”
“I do have a plan. I’ve been dying to tell Irish about it, but I’m scared as hell to even be voicing the fact that I have depression.”
“What’s your plan then hun?” Bailey asks. “We need to know so that we can help you stay on track. Or anything else that you need help with.”
“I made an appointment yesterday to start seeing a counselor. They couldn’t get me in today, but I go in tomorrow right after lunch. Today I made the appointment to see an OBGYN. Even if there’s a slim chance that I’ll be able to keep this baby, I want to do everything possible to make it happen. Other than that, I’m going to have to start being more open with you all. I just don’t want anyone outside of this room to know what’s going on.”
“We’ll all be there for Irish. And you,” Pops tells us. “Irish isn’t the only one that’s goin’ to be goin’ through this shit. You are goin’ to be dealin’ with it as well. We will be here for you whenever you need to talk Caydence. I may no
t understand what you’re goin’ through as far as bein’ a woman, but I have ears to listen and shoulders to lean on.”
Caydence and I just look at the truly amazing people in this room with us. They all have their own lives, personal issues they’re going through, and things they deal with daily. Yet, they’re willing to be here for my girl and me whenever we need someone to lean on. I’m glad that these individuals are our family and I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the world.
After sitting here for a few more minutes, Ma and Pops leave the room. I’m sure that the girls want to talk and hang out for a bit without having me around, so I stand up. Pulling my girl up with me, I give her a hug and a kiss before I tell them all I’ll see them soon. I should’ve known Pops would be waiting out in the hall for me, but I figured him and Ma wanted a little bit of time alone.
“That was a lot to take in, son. How are you feelin’ about everythin’ you just heard?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I can’t even be happy about the fact that I’m goin’ to be a dad. More than likely she’s not goin’ to carry the baby to term so I don’t know how to feel right now. She dropped a lot on us all and I need to sort it all out,” I tell him honestly.
“I’ve already talked to everyone and you’ve been given the rest of the night off. Take some time in your room and wait for your girl to join you. I think Ma already put some drinks in there for you. And there’s soda in the mini fridge for Caydence. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Thank you for everythin’,” I tell him, pulling him in for a hug.
Making my way into my room, I close the door behind me and settle in on my bed. Just as Pops said, there’s a bottle of Jack Daniels on my stand and I know there’s beer in the fridge with Caydence’s soda. My night is going to be one where I won’t remember a thing after the bombshell I heard tonight. But, I’m also going to have to try to be there for my girl too. She’s going to need me to be there more for her. Somehow, I’m going to have to figure out this time-sharing thing better than what I’ve been doing.
