by Mamrie Hart
*“And that . . . is the night the lights went out . . . in . . . Georgia!” Take a sip if you don’t get that reference.
*Carowinds is North Carolina’s equivalent of Six Flags. There are crazy rides, and Dippin’ Dots, and you can even stand in North and South Carolina at the same time. At the time, this was mind-blowing.
*The closest town with a movie theater and shopping—thirty miles away.
*BAHAHAHAHAHAH. That’s a good one, me.
*Looking back, I was maybe a little too into Coyote Ugly. What can I say? That LeAnn Rimes soundtrack got me.
*In retrospect this is hilarious because Studio 54 was known for an insane amount of cocaine use, and I had never and will never touch cocaine in my life. Cocaine makes you cocky. I clearly do not need any help in that area. One bump and I’d be scared I’d become a dictator or cult leader.
*I clearly had to google this, despite begging my parents for (and getting) Air Jordans every year growing up. What can I say? The boys loved them and I was a total poseur.
*Tigers’ vision isn’t that impressive, TBH. They are basically color-blind. If any animal has good vision, it’s actually a goat, who can see almost 360 degrees. But apparently, “Eye of the Goat” doesn’t sound that badass in an ’80s pump-up jam.
*I am now realizing that you should never say “panties” and “cream” that close together.
*Despite my crying from anxiety, it was like getting a shot: a lot of buildup for not that much actual pain.
*If you are thinking about using this song to walk down the aisle, do yourself a favor and really listen to the lyrics. They are fucking creepy. There’s an actual line to her daddy that says, “If you don’t mind, I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.” Da fuck, Carlisle?
*Speaking of redneck nuptials, one time I went to my high school friend’s trailer. Apparently her mom had gotten engaged the night before. I immediately grabbed her hand to check out the rock, only to have her point to her ear. Yep, she and her fiancé had just bought a pair of diamond earrings and were each wearing one. I guess they were all out of engagement BB guns.
*The video for “Crazy” seriously changed me as an eleven-year-old. I wanted to be as badass as Liv Tyler in that video. I wanted to ditch class, go skinny-dipping, and strip in my father’s band’s music video—wait, what? Gross in retrospect. Real gross.
*Two things: Sienna would have to scrub her hands like a surgeon right before an operation to have anyone consider eating out of them. Also, I’ve never really liked this phrase. I know it’s supposed to sound sexy, but I just picture a guy eating out of my hand like a goat eats a quarter’s worth of feed at a petting zoo.
*Till a year ago, I didn’t realize that “See you next Tuesday” was code for cunt (C-U-Next-Tuesday). I thought it was an old-school compliment like “She’s really something else!” I shudder to think how many people I’ve called cunts with a big smile on my face. My apologies, Vice Principal Brown.
*Although I am working on a franchise called Shaved by the Bell.
*Later I would learn that cucumber water is just a sliced Kirby thrown into some tap water, but at the time I thought I was being served a royal Indian elixir.
*Also, whoever came up with the name Wet n Wild for a company is my hero. Did the CEO want it to be edgy but thought Lubed n Crazy was a bit much?
*Shout-out to Lorenzo Potenzo, Beaux Berry Biscuit, and Tony Lofi—the greatest straight males who wore their Faggettes label proudly.
*Did you know in France they call them oeufs mimosa? That’s right, eggs mimosa. Doesn’t that sound nicer? Kind of like how the French coined the term “french kissing” instead of the Carolinian term “tonguin’.”
*Peanuts are legumes, not nuts. Doesn’t the entire world feel like a lie now?
*Yes, I did say “general store” nonchalantly. There is still a general store in my hometown with big glass jars of candy, glass-bottle sodas, and weird hillbilly tchotchkes. Oh, and flyers for upcoming Civil War reenactments, but we’ll just skip past that.
*Did I mention that my dad wasn’t the only thespian in my pack of parentals? My mom was an amazing theater actress before she gave it up to birth us idiots. In fact, my mom and dad actually met in the theater department at college.
*This part of Texas had glass-bottle Cokes in regular gas stations. I’m telling you, it was old-school. You could’ve found Crystal Pepsi if you would’ve reached deep enough into the cooler.
*Thank God, ’cause soon he would meet my future stepmom, who has been an absolute beacon of strength and encouragement in my life. Plus, she’s really to blame for my sailor mouth. Love you, Anne!
*CUT TO: A jury room full of very confused people wondering why tax dollars were spent on this case.
*Get it? Bowel-and-Ease? Like Balinese? If you didn’t get it, take a sip.
*Coxswains are those people on boats yelling out orders, the ones who get gold medals for being bossy. Literally coxswain translates to “boat servant,” but if you only translate the second half of the word, it’s the best porn name ever. Mamrie Hart stars in . . . The Cox Servant.
*Don’t pretend you didn’t have animated crushes as a child.
*I must let you know at this point that it wasn’t Delta we were flying. Delta, and my dear cartoon lover Dusty the Lion, would never have come up with this plan.
*Shocker: I had to google that reference. Now “Who hates Larry Bird?” will forever live in my search history. Please, God, don’t let him go missing!
*Seriously. I never exchange my money back, out of sheer laziness. If I took the time to round up all the random euros, loonies, and pesos in my house, I could buy a hot tub—the good kind with cup holders and massage jets.
*Although, unlike in Hook, I don’t think I want to eat neon cakes and pies. Like, seriously, though, why did all the Lost Boys’ food look like it was made out of neon zinc oxide?
*But don’t go looking for those places or those deals when you are visiting the Big Apple. That was the stretch of time in the mid ’00s before St. Mark’s was turned into fro-yo shops and automated cupcake machines. Now it straight-up looks like Little Tokyo sprinkled with leftover gutter punks. Kind of like that Avril Lavigne “Hello Kitty” video.
*Even as a nine-year-old, I thought it was embarrassing that the entire production was in rap form. Like, I was a preteen, in the middle of nowhere North Carolina, wearing a shirt of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck that read OFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE BOY WATCHERS CLUB and it was STILL too white for me.
*Mainly because we were in the continental US and my digestive system wasn’t demonstrating a sit-in.
*I later learned that the guide in the other raft let them know that going over the falls feels like being in a car crash and lots of people knock out their teeth. FUN!
*Remember when choosing which Sex and the City character you were was a thing? The girl in every group would be bummed when she had to be the Miranda. Miranda was the shit! A lawyer, hilarious, hot husband, tiny red-headed babe. Fuck being Carrie and her emotionally unstable, cheating ways. Still love ya, SJP!
*At least that’s what I thought until I Wikipedia’d the Crossroads plot to write this chapter. You guys! For being a sappy, cheesy movie that I cried to when I was eighteen, it sure has a lot of rape, abuse, and tragic pregnancies in it. In fact, Crossroads made our trip look like a kids’ movie. . . . And I am totally okay with that.
*I lived at the skating rink most Fridays of my childhood. It was owned and DJed by Ernest (who was at least eighty), and I would always request tons of 2 Live Crew, not knowing it was dirty. Picture nine-year-old Mamrie on skates: “Ernest! Can you please play ‘Me So Horny’?” “No.” “What about ‘Pop That Pussy’?” “Again, Mamrie?”
*This is a complete lie. Go ahead and take an extra sip if you fe
ll for it.
*I’m kidding! My mom has no issue with the Poles. It’s the Chinese she hates. . . . Still kidding! I love you, Mom.
*Whether this actually happened or not is questionable. I was still pretty loaded at the time and didn’t sober up till we skipped second period to go to Bojangles’. Also, study, kids. Do not follow my lead!
*I really just want to get rich enough so I can hire a driver named Jesús and be able to say this phrase to my heart’s content. Look, everyone’s inspiration for success is different.
*Mom! Obviously this is a drastic comparison. You know it drives me crazy how you pronounce “breakfast” like “breakfrast” and make light sex noises while you eat, but you also know I adore you.
*I was probably hoping it was a coupon for a free Wendy’s Frosty.
*An idea and the four whiskey gingers I’d been sipping on.
*This was BS: Before Smartphones.
*I still go there about once a year to see my old camp friends. In fact, I am writing this chapter from that very lake house right now. Dat shit cray.
*Is it me, or did Hayley Mills with short hair look exactly like Anthony Michael Hall? This is not talked about enough.
*How the hell hasn’t Hamburger Helper made a line of products called Hangover Helper? That marketing team needs to hire some young, hip newcomer with fresh ideas.
*I like to think the maxi-pad torch was a symbol of femininity, setting fire to the constraints of feminine hygiene products. But really, desperate times called for desperate measures, and there was always a surplus of pads lying around.
*If you haven’t YouTubed that, go forth as soon as you finish this chapter.
*You might be thinking, Jesus, Mamez, between the armory story and this, what is your obsession with wrestling? What can I say? There was a tag team in the ’80s called the Hart Foundation that wore hot pink singlets. Having a first name like Mamrie, you get attached to things with at least your last name in common.
*If you would like to know the extent of how not into scary stuff I am, I once had to turn off Wallace and Gromit’s The Curse of the Were-Rabbit because I got too scared. Scared of a Claymation rabbit that destroyed people’s gardens. It’s that bad.
*This is in no way proven, but I stand by it.
*Katy Perry, you know I love you, girl, and you know I have a special place in my heart for cupcake bras, but Diamond Dave will always be the master of songs about ladies from Cali.
*Whoever decided that darts are a good game to play in a bar is a goddamn crazy person. If I see there are people playing darts in the same bar as me, I don’t care if they are forty yards away—I savor my beer like it’s my last, ’cause all I can picture is a dart going straight into my jugular like I’m a lion being tranquilized.
*For those keeping track, you can also add The X-Files to the list of Things Mamrie Is Irrationally Terrified Of.
*I adore you, Marie, and I’m sorry about that one time I bought your teenage son beer.
*Krackel bars come only in those bags of miniature candy, right? There aren’t normal-size Krackel bars sold on candy shelves. So, riddle me this, how the hell is it a miniature? If it’s the only kind, wouldn’t a miniature be the size of a Tic Tac? Boom. In your fucking face, Milton S. Hershey.
*Not true. Sorry, FedEx Gary.
*I never understood the lyrics “If I wanna floss, I got my own.” I get that floss means “to flaunt,” but to me it always just sounded like J.Lo was dating a neglectful orthodontist.
*Everyone knows a New Year’s Eve hand job should be rewarded with at least lunch at Fuddruckers or a Bath & Body Works gift card.
*Foreshadowing, kids. And I ain’t talking about a kind of makeup technique.
Looking for more?
Visit Penguin.com for more about this author and a complete list of their books.
Discover your next great read!
